Loved with an amazing love

In constant flux.. ever changing, growing, becoming, discovering. Fearless! Yet filled with trepidation. Anticipating! Yet hanging back in the shadows doubting... The voices in my head fighting for attention, "Go this way and that way!", pointing their fingers and shaking them when they disapprove. Smiling and nodding when they are proud. And then there is Your voice and it is STUNNING. I am locked in your gaze. I can't believe your words, or can I? They come when I most need them as you say that I am PERFECT and beautiful. And exactly as you DESIRE me to be. You breathe the words in a way that I cannot deny them even if I try.... fear fades away. The doubt fades away. In those moments I am as one chained, enslaved to you, your words mean all and all others pale in comparison. I am loved and that is all that matters! Then glancing at my feet I realize I am still as free as I always was. One look into your loving eyes confirms it. WOW. What is a girl to do when lavished with such love and trust? Fly, that's what! Fly back out and conquer it all with his words propelling me onward!

Jesus Life Coach

Little thing I wrote for school that I ended up not using. Wasn't exactly what the assignment called for, so I re-wrote it with a different life application. Thought this was worth saving though. :)

There was a time that I saw Jesus as coming to steal away the individuality of those who called upon his name. Every dream I ever had as a child was squelched because I thought that in order to be a Christian, I had to ‘fit the mold’ that every other Christian in my church was striving to fit into with the ultimate goal being full-time ministry as if that were the end-all-be-all place of the Christian life. I always loved the verse in Scripture that says, “Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart” (Psalm 37:4), because secretly, deep inside me, I hoped that if I tried hard enough to please him he would make me happy with some of my hopes and dreams—but this was always explained away as meaning Christ’s desires.
Then one day I actually met Jesus. He transformed my life, my way of thinking, my everything. Slowly, bit-by-bit, he awakened my heart to the realization that the dreams inside of me were gifts from him! He had created me with a purpose and a plan, and the week-in, week-out performance of religion was not going to replace that for me. With Jesus as my Coach my life has become, as Jones (2004) says, “a dance of possibilities far more than the march of sorrows we have come to associate with religion” (p. 169). No longer do I look to a religious consensus to see where my story will go, I look within me to the amazing passions Jesus has placed there. He has given me the desires of my heart.

Reference
Jones, Laurie B. (2004) Jesus life coach. New York, NY. MLB Books

2011 Abundant Life!!

Square peg fitting in a round hole for too long??? Make 2011 your year to discover God's marvelous abundant life for you!! Get outta there and find YOUR purpose. Yes, God has a place where you will thrive and fit in perfect fulfillment of your unique personality, temperament, gifts, and especially that inner hearts desire you have almost forgotten. (You're excited already, aren't you!!)

No Greater Desire

April 25, 2007

I am finding so much joy in reading "The Pursuit of God" by A.W. Tozer! I recommend this book highly! It speaks of a journey that I have already discovered myself from other authors, but in a language that is so beautiful... wow! And I have found quite a few nuggets that have broadened my understanding of my wonderful God and this life of Christianity. I would like to put a few excerpts from the book in this blog.

Preface

"The Bible is not an end in itself, but a means to bring men to an intimate and satisfying knowledge of God, that they may enter into Him, that they may delight in His Presence, may taste and know that inner sweetness of the very God Himself in the core and center of their hearts."

Chapter 3 Removing the Veil

"Frederick Faber['s love] for the Person of Christ was so intene that it threatened to consume him. It burned within him as a sweet ad holy madness and flowed from his lips like molten gold. In one of his sermons he says,

Wherever we turn in the church of God, there is Jesus. He is the beginning, middle and end of everything to us.... There is nothing good, nothing holy, nothing beautiful, nothing joyous which He is not to His servants. No one need to be poor, because, if he chooses, he can have Jesus for his own property and possession. No one need be downcast, for Jesus is the joy of heaven, and it is His joy to enter into sorrowful hearts. We can exaggerate about many things; but we can never exaggerate our obligation to Jesus or the compassionate abundance of the love of Jesus to us. All our lives long we might talk of Jesus, and yet we should never come to an end of the sweet things that might be said of Him. Eternity will not be long enough to learn all He is, or to praise Him for all He has done, but then, that matters not; for we shall be always with Him, and we desire nothing more."

"God is so vastly wonderful, so utterly and completely delightful that He can, without anything other than Himself, meet and overflow the deepest demands of our total nature, mysterious and deep as that nature is. Such worship ... can never come from a mere doctrinal knowledge of God. Hearts that are "fit to break" with love for the Godhead are those who have been in the Presence and have looked with opened eye upon the majesty of Deity."

"We hear the Bridegroom say, "Let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely" (Song of Solomon 2:14)"

Chapter 4 Apprehending God

"Always a living Person is present, speaking, pleading, loving, working and manifesting Himself whenever and wherever His people have the receptivity necessary to receive the manifestation."

"...God will become to us the great All, and His presence the glory and wonder of our lives."

I am currently reading chapter 6 and just enjoying myself immensely. If I quoted everything I'd be on here all day!

Suffice it to say that there is no greater joy or desire in life than pursuing God with your whole heart. And He is VERY NEAR! He DESIRES communion and relationship with us. Draw nigh to God and he will draw nigh to you. He's just waiting for us to show Him that we want Him in our lives. He is most desirable! Most lovely! Most wonderful!

Love HIM! KNOW Him!

Perhaps a little unfair...

Upon reflection, I was perhaps a little unfair to you, Lord. You have been present in our lives... just not in the miraculously huge way that I feel that we really need. There was that awesome gift we received on Sunday that I didn't even thank you for, and I apologize. You do show in little things along the way that you are here. In fact, funny thing is, you have been more present in some ways than you have been in a long time. What ways? Oh, like waking me up in the morning to spend time with you, like speaking to me through your word... you have been more real to me this year than you have been in a long time. If you seek me you will find me if you search for me with all your heart... and I've been seeking. I've had no choice but to seek. My heart has found joy in nothing else. Fulfillment in no other thing. You have become my ultimate obsession. And indeed, I have found you... and yet I am still far from satisfied. I know there is more. I know that I have not yet discovered all that is to be found in you. You are beyond my comprehension, far above my understanding. I can always go deeper, wider, farther into you. And I long for it - for that ultimate satisfaction that is found in being fully in love with my Saviour. And yet when circumstances of life get tough, who do I blame? You. The one person in my life who always gets me. The one person in my life who I should trust 100% of the time with everything I am. You are the first one that I blame. I feel abandoned. I feel alone. I know it isn't true. You said you will never leave me. You will never forsake me. But were those just words? Sometimes I feel that you are a taker. You take from me everything that I am willing to give to you, and you give nothing back. That is so unfair. But what is more unfair? You being a taker, or me feeling that you are. You who gave yourself... your very life for me. You who gave up everything so that I could live... So that I could be one with you... So that I could spend eternity with you. I am the most unloyal of friends. The most undeserving of your servants. Trust? What do I know of it? Faith? It is as a foreign word to me. I want to know more of your mercy, but want to learn little of patience. I want to learn more of your love, but less of longsuffering. I want to learn of your compassion, and less of trials and tribulations. I want to experience more of being under the shadow of your wings, and less of carrying your cross. These tears. You see them, right? I know you do. And you have the power to wipe them away. To reach down with your peace, with your reassurance that it's all ok. That you are going to fix it. That you aren't molding me into the woman you want me to be for nothing. You aren't setting me up for failure. Because right now, that's all I feel like. So yes, I know you are here, I know that you are present in my life, and I know that I am likely the one who needs to learn the lesson here, but this once I'd love to have you come down and just make it all go away. Of course, it won't happen. I will cry. I will wait. I will learn. I will trust. I will grow. Somewhere on the other side of all of this I may even laugh. At least I know that even though there are times that I feel like it , I'm not alone - you are here. I can talk to you. We can be closer than ever before. Thank you for that.

To write or not to write that is the question...

Chris really thinks I'm supposed to be a writer. He is fascinated by my blogs. Of course, he doesn't 'get' my poetry or my music at all, but he loves my blogs. He says I should write a Christian self help book from the view of a 25 year old girl. Could be fun! What's funny about that is that I have always dreamed about having my name on the cover of a book. Wait! Did I just say, "always dreamed??? Yes, that's right, it's something I've really wanted to do. I remember beginning to write my first novel in 7th grade, and bringing in my "manuscript" (oh, yes... I had big dreams of grandeur!) and reading it to the girls. I'd have sleepovers and they'd ask me to read my story. When we would get to the last sentence I had written they would beg me to write more before we went to sleep. Sadly, not only did I never finish that novel, but I no longer even have it. Why? I was afraid. It was not a Christian story, it was a romance novel. It wasn't smutty, but I was ashamed of it because I knew my parents would never approve of me writing anything but Christian fiction. I laid awake at night dreaming of pseudonym's for myself - my very own Mark Twain name - but even in that there was fear as I knew someone (my publisher!) would know who I was and it would eventually get out to my parents and I would be so busted!

I used to write a lot of poetry. This was private. No one ever had to read it unless I chose to let them. I did enter a poem in a contest once and got it published. That was one of the most exciting days in my life! I wanted to buy the book it was in, but my parents didn't share the same excitement I did... perhaps because they really didn't care about my poetry, or perhaps over the price tag of the book. Anyway, they never purchased the book, and I was pretty much crushed. If it wasn't important enough to them to own the tome that my name was printed in, then would it matter to anyone else? From that time one I never shared my poetry with anyone except my husband, who as I said doesn't 'get' it, (*SHRUG* What can I say? He's a guy.) and I rarely write it anymore unless it's a song. Even then I only sing the songs I write to my husband, which is also silly of me because he's not musical. I need to find a musical person to try them on. My fear there is that because my mom writes music everyone will compare me to her. I am so not her. I have a different style altogether. I do not want to be tried and found wanting. (Does anybody like criticism?)

I was also quite a story-teller back in a day. I have always had very long dreams at night that I remember in vast detail in the morning and when I was in school I would regale the other kids with these amazing adventures. They loved it. In fact, I'd have them so hooked on these dreams (that often went on and on for nights and nights. I used to have an ability to focus before sleep and cause myself to continue the same dream that night) that when the dream stopped I would have to make up an ending. They never believed that I was telling actual dreams, but I was. I often thought that I should have written them down (although they would have only been entertaining to a middle school audience!)

Then there was all the role-playing, and character imagining. I spent an entire week at youth conference one time being my imaginary self "Georgia Jakes" a southern belle who was in love with a civil war soldier named Lieutenant Anthony Allen Aimes. I used the accent and everything. I entertained the whole bus the whole way to Indiana and back. I loved to choose a character and become that person entirely - develop and entire life for them, mannerisms, friends, lifestyle, everything. I had so many 'alternate selves' I guess you could call them that I would just get lost in as I dreamed whole worlds around them. It was just like reading a book. I become the character that I most identify with in a story. In real life, I didn't like myself, so I created people that I wished to identify with. Sometimes I thought if I opened my eyes they would be standing right there... (ok, I'm no schizo!) Of course, now I have settled into who I am, but I have never lost the desire to create these amazing people and think about what they would be like if they were to really live.

My husband says this is kind of like my love for the game called the Sims. I was completely addicted to that game! I bought every expansion pack that came out. I literally spent hours upon hours playing it. Why? I loved creating people. I loved building communities. I loved choosing where they would live, what they would wear, where they would go, who they would love, if they would have children, etc. I actually had to take these games to the video game exchange place because I wasn't getting anything else accomplished in my life! I think Chris is right though... it is a clue.

Another clue is my love for so many careers. Perhaps I loved so many things, not because I wanted to be them all, but because I wanted to experience them all so that I could communicate them to others (via writing). I discovered my love for things from reading, so it makes sense that I would give it back through writing.

All that said, I'm not sure if writing is my thing or not, but I do love to write blogs, and it is one of my spiritual gifts according to the test I took on Sunday. Writing is something I can do regardless of what ministry we end up in.... I still have questions. :0) We will see.

How could I forget?

I told you there was an important flaw to my musings! The finite human brain. I just remembered a very important passion of mine. Music! Especially singing. I was very young (not sure how old) when I sang my first duet with my mom in church, and one of my favorite memories was of being in a Patch the Pirate play at either the church or school (they were so closely linked, my memories blur there too sometimes) and singing a duet with my Uncle Tim. He was Patch, and I was Pixie.
Oh, and that brings to mind another favorite thing... acting!! I began doing that very young as well. 1rst or 2nd grade? I was in school plays and church plays, Christmas plays and Easter plays. And if the acting involved a singing part, so much the better! I think this would have gone much farther had I been involved in a public school, or local theater. I was in Christian School, and then pulled out for homeschooling, so I didn't have many opportunities to develop my acting skills. I did think about going to Northland Baptist Bible College (even sent them my ACT scores) and majoring in music and acting. I loved their traveling music and acting groups.
I did learn to play the piano, however. I mostly taught myself for the sheer joy of it, but did have a few years of lessons in middle school (that I hated!) and one year of lessons at Mount Union College my Senior year in high school (that I loved!). Piano is fun, but singing is my joy. Years of baggage pile up, and I deal with depression now, but there was a time when I sang every minute of the day, and I'm not kidding. I still sing very often, and get caught doing it at the oddest times. People look at me funny when I'm out shopping!
I also enjoyed learned clarinet during middle school, but once again never did much with it because I was not in a school with a marching band. (Trying not to sound bitter, but I do have many regrets about my high school years.) Had the opportunity presented (or perhaps if it ever does?) I would have loved to learn violin, saxophone, french horn, and guitar. I do own a guitar now, and still wish to learn how to play it as well as the drums.
Most recently I have greatly desired to be a worship leader, and to even make a CD. I wish to take voice lessons, keyboard lessons, and guitar lessons so that I am much more rounded musically, and then pursue this. I hesitate now. I love being on the worship team at church. LOVE IT with a passion. But is it my purpose?
Ok... don't get me wrong. I don't want to sound like the Christian who is all whiny and wondering what God's will is for her life. (Ok, maybe I kinda am in a way)
It's kind of like this.
I asked God one day about two months ago about some of my current dreams.... Like being a PartyLite RVP, Being a Worship leader, writing a book, going back to college for cosmetology, law, or business school, or whatever else. How do I choose? Is there another option I don't know about? He replied something I already knew. "You are living in grace. As long as I am with you it is my will. Imagine you are standing in the middle of a field and there's forest on one side, ocean on the other, prairie in front of you and jungle paradise behind you. Turn any way you want and run as fast as you can and I will be with you."
So I know that the question is not the what, it is the whom. However, the key thing here is that when I choose what to run to, it's a whole lot better if it's something I really desire. And even better yet, if I'm abiding in Christ and He's abiding in me, it's very likely that what I desire is going to be what he desires for me, so that when I run it will be with reckless abandon, and with no glancing back and no regrets. Herein lies the problem. I don't know what to choose. I don't have purpose. I truly have no vision. I absolutely have no idea whether I prefer ocean to jungle, forest to prairie, or viseversa. I have no clue. Somewhere in my subconscious mind I may have an inkling, but I wouldn't be writing blog after blog about this subject if I knew.
What am I made for? What will bring Rebecca the greatest joy and fulfillment in the whole wide world when she finds it? What can Jesus and I run to with the certainty that we can stay there until death?

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta...." "I gotta..." "I gotta do something 'till I die!!"

Hmmm... Just what is that something? The song says "love one man 'till I die." That could be the obvious choice for me... my husband is a wonderful man, and many other wonderfully talented woman have chosen a man to be their entire purpose in life. I don't know though, it just doesn't seem like a wise choice. Having spent part of my life finding my fulfillment in marriage, and realizing that husbands do indeed fail you at times (Imagine!) I don't think that it would be a very good idea. Besides, I can only wonder what would happen if (not that I ever want to think about this...) my husband went home to Jesus and left me here. Then what would my purpose be? Would I lose all desire to live once again? I'd be back at the starting place, searching for a purpose, only by then I'd most likely have no desire to even try.

So what could my purpose be?

I've been trying to think back to when I was a child. What did I like? What did I love? What did I dream about? What made me happy? This is difficult for me to do, because all these memories are very mixed up with the things that other people said I liked/loved/wanted/found joy in, as well as the things they said I could not do that I then lost interest in. I know that it must be in there. Doesn't every kid have a dream?

The earliest thing that comes to mind for me is that I have always loved to read. I devoured every book I could get my hands on regardless of genre, and read well above my reading level. My earliest favorites were mysteries, including Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew in 1rst and 2nd grade. Then came my love for writing; first for poetry and journaling, then short stories and book reports, and finally even for research reports. More recently I have discovered the world of blogging, and I adore it! I have often wanted to write a book, I just never sat down and started one.

As a result of all of my reading, I had an extremely adventuristic spirit. I wanted to try everything. I wanted to be everything when I grew up! This becomes another smokescreen in determining my true heart as a child. Let's see... detective, airplane pilot, deep sea diver, owner of a palomino horse ranch in Montana, Australian Outback tour guide, cowgirl, Rich southern plantation owner, join the marines, archaeologist, lawyer, police officer, CEO of a major company, to name a few. Of course, this doesn't count the completely impossible fantasy/historical life careers either ;0) It's kinda hard to be a unicorn, faerie, dragon, Civil War Southern belle, Clipper Ship captain, Cleopatra, a Greek goddess, Renaissance lady, etc.

Along with the love of writing, I also found a love of history and science. History in part from reading historical fiction in part from school. History overlapped science in the field of archaeology and in the study of creation science. I loved it. I decided I wanted to go to college at the Institute for Creation Research. As we studied more and more I began to adore ocean life, and decided to go into marine biology instead, but still wanted to go to ICR and study creation science as well. I felt that every science field needed more of a creation influence. My parents were strongly against me going to ICR, and someone else said that marine biologists did more office work than field work. Being the people pleaser that I was, and the adventure seeker that I was, I began to look elsewhere. I found exactly what I was looking for in the study of anatomy. From that point on I wanted to be a doctor. It's all I focused on. I was not really encouraged into this field, other than by my science teacher and by my two grandfathers... one of them because he wanted me to take care of him when he got old, and the other because he said I could do anything that I set my mind to and he would support any decision I made. My parents again did not like my choice of college, but I did not have many Christian choices in choosing a secular career.

Now insert new complication... one summer at youth camp (7th grade?) I went forward to get saved, but the counselor convinced me that I already was (that was the year I should have gotten saved, rather than just a few years ago... she just wasn't thinking clearly or something). The following night was missionary night and I remember being under a ton of conviction and weeping to the song "Lord, Send Me Anywhere" I didn't know what it was, but I decided that since I was already saved I must be called to missions. From that point on I told everyone I was supposed to be a missionary... even to the point where in order to still be a doctor I decided to be a medical missionary. I really wanted to go to Africa, and later on to India.

This all confuses me very much, because I was very unsaved... but I truly did weep every time a missionary came to church. I really did want to go on missions trips, and I really was torn between being a doctor and being a missionary, to the point where I felt I had to make a choice between the two. I even had this weird vision thingie one year at camp meeting where I saw Indian faces all over the room looking at me and I was terrified and couldn't sleep. I thought it was God wanting me to go to India. Now I have no idea what it was about. Did I want to be a missionary because I was concerned for my own soul? Because I knew it was one thing that would make my parents and pastor happy? I have no idea.

Anyway, I sought a missionary husband. There was this guy I really liked, but I would only allow us to just be friends because he was called to be a church planter, not a missionary. Chris (my husband) and I had been friends for a while, and of course I knew that he planned on going to Ireland as a missionary, so naturally, when I married him, I figured that's what I would end up doing with my life.

We got married, found out I was faking being saved, then I got saved, we surrendered to be missionaries to Sri Lanka... but my heart wasn't in it. Why?

He was called to be a missionary. I wanted adventure. Mystery adventure, Romance adventure, History adventure, Science adventure. Meeting people kind of adventure. But what he was planning was real life ministry. When it didn't work out for us to go, I was secretly glad. I love that country, I love the people we met there. But I still don't know my purpose.

If I am indeed purposed by God to be a missionary, then I have not caught that vision since he has brought me into his family. If I should go to college and be a doctor after all this time, then that sure is complicated seeing as I have two small children to mother! Writing would be the easiest to accomplish...

Even now there is a flaw to these musings. I am likely to have completely missed the most important facts.

But here is the most important question. Even if I feel that I loved one of these the most, I cannot go forward with it. I cannot act upon it. Until God gives me the vision for my life. Until something strikes a chord deep within my innermost soul and the Spirit says, "Yes!" I cannot do anything at all but stay right where I am.

As of now, the song lyrics will have to be true of me...

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta love one man 'till I die"

And that man is Jesus. I man I can rely on and trust. A man who will never let me down. He will show me what I need to know in his time. I know he will, because I asked him too! I just need to focus on him, listen to him, wait on him... and can't help lovin' that man of mine!

No fair...

Have you ever been in a place where you just knew God was going to do something really huge, and you are anticipating it, begging for it, and can almost taste it... but then he points the finger of conviction on you and says that there's something you are doing that is keeping the something really huge from happening? Been there, done that - yesterday morning in Sunday School.
We have been praying for the Holy Spirit to do something amazing in our church for a while, and in keeping with that my husband has been teaching on the Holy Spirit and revivals in Sunday School for several months. It just gets more and more exciting with every passing week as we think about what God has done and what he can do. The last three weeks I have felt inside of me an intensity of passion for Christ and what he is going to do in our church like I have never felt before. I'm experiencing worship in a whole new way, and I am sure that others are feeling the same way.
But then as my husband read of missionary Jonathan Goforth restoring a relationship with another missionary, my heart began pounding with conviction. There was something in my life that wasn't right. Somewhere that I was prideful and refusing to admit my fault. Someone that I claim to love dearly that I was hurting very much. And as Goforth's obedience to God brought about revival, so to would my obedience to God lead us one step closer to what he has for us as a church.
I confess, I am too prideful, too stubborn, and too focused on getting my own way, and on top of that I have a certain unwillingness to admit any wrong on my part when I feel that I have been wronged in the first place.
I wanted to make it right as soon as possible, I really did...
Revival starts in the individual hearts of men; revival starts with confessing of sin; revival starts with apologies and forgiveness to others even when you think that you are in the right. Revival brings unity, and that unity can't be had when we are not showing real love for one another.
I know this and yet I held back all day yesterday from what I knew I needed to do.
This morning in my Bible reading I read in my Bible something that I really wanted to be true for me. I prayed about it, and God reminded me about that little issue I needed to take care of with that certain someone.
NO FAIR, God.
It has become obvious to me that any further spiritual growth will be severely stunted until I make this matter right.
Caught between pride and my desire for Christ.
How surrendered am I?
So I called this person and told them that it was imperative that I speak with them tonight.
I'm afraid. Afraid to admit my faults. Afraid that this person who of course is not blind to my imperfections will not only be unwilling to accept my apology, but be full of other short comings that have not even been brought to my attention at this time.
I can't do this, but Jesus can. He wants me to do it, so he must be planning on being there for it.
I guess that will have to be my consolation for now...

Pour My Love On You

Pour My Love On You by Phillips Craig and Dean

Verse 1:
I don't know how to say exactly how I feel
And I can't begin to tell you what your love has meant
I'm lost for words
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
Lord, this is my desire
To pour my love on You

Chorus:
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you

Verse 2:
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
Lord, this is my desire
To pour my love on you

Chorus:
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you

Every time I hear this song, I find myself lost at the feet of Jesus... Lavishing my praise and love upon Him. This is my desire. I desire to take these precious moments of loving musical refrain and transform my life into one beautiful rapturous love song . Imagine, an entire life devoted only to falling at the feet of my Saviour and bestowing all that I am and all that I ever can be upon Him! I would spend every waking moment anticipating His every need and each hour that goes by in sleep filled with dreams of Him. To be so in love with Jesus that nothing else matters... it used to be so silly to think of such things. I'd hear people talk about it, see people who lived it, or read books by people who tell how to achieve it, and I'd think to myself that it was far to fanciful to be reality. And yet... there was this longing deep inside, this ache that I couldn't deny that longed for this relationship. Of course, it was the Holy Spirit living within me, awakening me to who Jesus really is. Jesus, the loving bridegroom who dotes upon his bride, and I the bride who ignores his every advance... Oh, how it grieved Him. Slowly, my eyes were opened and I tentatively reached out my hand to His. I found in that instant more love and acceptance than I ever dreamed possible! As my heart opened up to His, He poured His love into me. I can hear Him now as He sings to me:

I don't know how to say exactly how I feel
And I can't begin to tell you what your love has meant
I'm lost for words
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
this is my desire
To pour my love on You
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
this is my desire
To pour my love on you
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you

He loves me like that!!! How can I not echo back to him the refrain of mutual affection? How can I not desire to spend a lifetime getting to know the one who loves me with such ardent passion? Spirit, teach me more of this magnificent one who I am united with! Take this spark of desire and turn it into a burning flame for Jesus!

Prayer Warrior?

It's Saturday morning... And once again I'm home with the kids while my husband goes to prayer meeting. I'm jealous. Truly. I want to be there seeking God in corporate prayer with my church. Sometimes in my spirit I'm there... I'm praying with them. But then the kids start screaming and I'm back to reality that I'm home being a mother, not a prayer warrior.
Funny, but this never used to matter to me. I'd happily send my other half off on any spiritual adventure he chose all by himself hoping that no one would ask where I was, or, worse yet I would try and convince him to stay home with me for whatever reason I could concoct. What irony! All those days I made excuses to stay home, and now that I want to go I have a genuine reason why I have to stay! When you have prayer meeting at 8:00 AM on a Saturday morning it is extremely difficult to find a sitter... not only to people not want to get out of bed to pray, but who wants to get out of bed to watch someone else's kids?
So somewhere between my desire to turn my church upside down for Jesus and my responsibilities as a mother I have to find a balance. This is where God wants me. ;0) But I can still pray in between the frequent interruptions and despite the noise of Saturday morning cartoons! Does God hear me any less because it's not 'two or more gathered in my name' or because I'm not bending my knee in fervent, impassioned prayer? Nope! He sees my heart, he knows my desire, and he hears my every word.
This is just a season of time. My children will grow up and I will have lots of Saturdays to spend doing whatever I choose... Someday I'm sure I'll miss these mornings; just me and the kids, and stolen moments of whispered prayer. Perhaps I'll look back on it and find that I was more of a prayer warrior than I ever imagined.

What's Going On With Me

I have for some time wanted to begin a blog devoted entirely to my spiritual journey, separate from my myspace blog. After reading PT's blog I decided, why not today? God has been doing amazing things in our church, but that's not all... he's been doing incredible things in me. I've been saved now for 5 years and looking back at where I was to where I am I'm in awe! Jesus has made some marvelous transformations in me through His Spirit over the years, including bringing me to that wonderful time of surrendering all to Him a few years ago. But this is different... I feel inexplicably drawn to Him, to learn of Him, to sit at His feet, to do something for Him. I keep waking up in the morning thinking of Him, desiring to spend time with this One who for some reason is reaching out and desiring to spend time with me. The Spirit within me is begging me, yearning to reach out to a level of relationship that I've never been to before. To worship my Saviour like I never have. To develop intimacy that I never knew existed. Only now I know it's out there because He's invited me to it. Imagine! Being loved so much that my Jesus would come to me, that the Holy Spirit would talk to me and ask me to talk back! How can I not respond? Sometimes I wake up in the early morning, knowing that it is He that has woken me up... and I'm too tired to read His Word, and I'm too tired to pray, but just knowing that He wants to spend time with me is so amazing! I lay there and bask in his presence and just let Him know how much He means to me. Those times are so precious. It's better than the days when I'd set the alarm to wake up for those forced devotions when I'd rather be sleeping... now I go to sleep, almost hoping that He'll wake me up! The Word of God has opened up like never before as well... I think that I finally understand the verse where it says that the Spirit will teach you. He does!
My Desire. I said once that I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff and that I just needed to jump off. There's this whole world of Spiritual growth out there for me that I was afraid of for whatever reason, and the things that were holding me back were so trivial (although at the time they seemed so HUGE!) But then one day I realized that if it was good enough for Paul, and all the great men of the faith, and if it was important enough for Jesus to come to me about it then I just needed to let go. So I jumped! And I realized that there were things that I thought I had surrendered to Christ that I hadn't surrendered... so many things that I had held back. I had to let go of everything. You know what was awesome? I thought I was jumping into the unknown, but I was actually jumping into the hand of my Saviour! Not as fearsome as I had made it. My desire.... to stay here. To get more and more like Him! To allow Him to find all of the things in my life that don't belong there, the things that keep us from being as close as we possibly can. I want to serve Him, walk with Him, be in unity with Him, my hopes and my dreams to be His.
I can't wait to see what happens in this next year!
-I must mention that I feel I wouldn't be here at all if it weren't for my husband Christopher. ;0) Thanks for leading me to Jesus! And thanks for G.E.A.R. class. You've really taught me so much about these things. Every big step in my life has not been taken without much time in discussion with you!