How could I forget?

I told you there was an important flaw to my musings! The finite human brain. I just remembered a very important passion of mine. Music! Especially singing. I was very young (not sure how old) when I sang my first duet with my mom in church, and one of my favorite memories was of being in a Patch the Pirate play at either the church or school (they were so closely linked, my memories blur there too sometimes) and singing a duet with my Uncle Tim. He was Patch, and I was Pixie.
Oh, and that brings to mind another favorite thing... acting!! I began doing that very young as well. 1rst or 2nd grade? I was in school plays and church plays, Christmas plays and Easter plays. And if the acting involved a singing part, so much the better! I think this would have gone much farther had I been involved in a public school, or local theater. I was in Christian School, and then pulled out for homeschooling, so I didn't have many opportunities to develop my acting skills. I did think about going to Northland Baptist Bible College (even sent them my ACT scores) and majoring in music and acting. I loved their traveling music and acting groups.
I did learn to play the piano, however. I mostly taught myself for the sheer joy of it, but did have a few years of lessons in middle school (that I hated!) and one year of lessons at Mount Union College my Senior year in high school (that I loved!). Piano is fun, but singing is my joy. Years of baggage pile up, and I deal with depression now, but there was a time when I sang every minute of the day, and I'm not kidding. I still sing very often, and get caught doing it at the oddest times. People look at me funny when I'm out shopping!
I also enjoyed learned clarinet during middle school, but once again never did much with it because I was not in a school with a marching band. (Trying not to sound bitter, but I do have many regrets about my high school years.) Had the opportunity presented (or perhaps if it ever does?) I would have loved to learn violin, saxophone, french horn, and guitar. I do own a guitar now, and still wish to learn how to play it as well as the drums.
Most recently I have greatly desired to be a worship leader, and to even make a CD. I wish to take voice lessons, keyboard lessons, and guitar lessons so that I am much more rounded musically, and then pursue this. I hesitate now. I love being on the worship team at church. LOVE IT with a passion. But is it my purpose?
Ok... don't get me wrong. I don't want to sound like the Christian who is all whiny and wondering what God's will is for her life. (Ok, maybe I kinda am in a way)
It's kind of like this.
I asked God one day about two months ago about some of my current dreams.... Like being a PartyLite RVP, Being a Worship leader, writing a book, going back to college for cosmetology, law, or business school, or whatever else. How do I choose? Is there another option I don't know about? He replied something I already knew. "You are living in grace. As long as I am with you it is my will. Imagine you are standing in the middle of a field and there's forest on one side, ocean on the other, prairie in front of you and jungle paradise behind you. Turn any way you want and run as fast as you can and I will be with you."
So I know that the question is not the what, it is the whom. However, the key thing here is that when I choose what to run to, it's a whole lot better if it's something I really desire. And even better yet, if I'm abiding in Christ and He's abiding in me, it's very likely that what I desire is going to be what he desires for me, so that when I run it will be with reckless abandon, and with no glancing back and no regrets. Herein lies the problem. I don't know what to choose. I don't have purpose. I truly have no vision. I absolutely have no idea whether I prefer ocean to jungle, forest to prairie, or viseversa. I have no clue. Somewhere in my subconscious mind I may have an inkling, but I wouldn't be writing blog after blog about this subject if I knew.
What am I made for? What will bring Rebecca the greatest joy and fulfillment in the whole wide world when she finds it? What can Jesus and I run to with the certainty that we can stay there until death?

Is it me, or is it you?

So here I am, going full speed ahead with my new career choice - Independent PartyLite Consultant - when I hit a speed bump. No... there aren't supposed to be obstacles in this business! Why? Because God told me to call Dawn (my leader the first time I started) and start booking parties. This is significant because two years ago I started with PartyLite because "I" wanted too. I was trying to make it work. I was trying to fix our financial situation, and I didn't consult God on it. This was one of my many mistakes before I finally surrendered to him, and needless to say it ended in utter failure. Honestly, I have wanted to try again for a while, but embarrassment and fear have held me back. Then a few months ago it got to the point where we really needed the income. I was not going to even consider PartyLite, but it kept coming up. Then one morning God woke me up and said, call Dawn and start PartyLite. So I talked to my husband and he was ok with it, and I immediately called Dawn.
The business that I knew was blessed by God took off so quickly. I had numerous bookings, lots of orders, and I hit bonus level sales in my first month. I was even asked to train at a meeting! Wow.
Here's where the speed bump comes in... this month I've had 5 cancellations, three of which were turned into small profit book shows, 1 never to be rescheduled, and 1 where the hostess just simply avoided my phone calls for two weeks. My sales this month are extremely low, and my calender is bare! Not for lack of trying of course, although this last bout with bronchitis slowed me down (losing my voice didn't help any!).
What's up with this? God started me down this path, and he knows how desperately we need this income. Why? My friend Shannon recently said that when something like losing a job/hard times come upon an unsaved person they just get angry, but when it happens to an saved person they start asking questions... Is it me? Am I in sin? Am I going the right direction? Am I in your will? Am I as surrendered to you as I think I am? What am I missing? Is it you God? Are you upset with me? Are you testing me? Are you trying to change my direction? What is going on????
That has been my question... is it me, or is it you? Search me O God and know my thoughts, try me and see if there be any wicked way in me... But if it's you, who can know the mind of God? I'm left in puzzlement, as I can't put my finger on anything...
But with Jabez, I beg God to bless me indeed!