Life Song/Movie/Show

Been thinking for awhile about what my life song, movie, or tv show would be...
i.e. desperate housewife, sleepless in seattle, etc...
I, of course, must choose a song! I'm a music person!
And I can't just stick with title, it must include lyrics. :)


Leaning right now toward Dream, by Michelle Tumes (I say leaning, because I am still thinking about this... I may find something that speaks to me even more, but this is just so spot on at the moment)
Dreams you say? yes! I'm full of them!



I believe there is divine imagination
Give it wings for it created aviation
Every little hop you’re holding inside
Every little gleam you keep in you eyes
A dream, yeah, a dream

Before a seed became a flower there was a vision
The dream is planted deep, He’ll shower it with wisdom
Flowing with love that’s making you smile
You’ve waited in your faith you’ve dreamed your whole life
Your soul begin to fly

There’s a dream in your heart
And His heart is your prayer
You can move mountains with your life in His hands
He’ll tear down the walls and He’ll walk where you can’t
Have faith in the power to believe
He’s given you a dream

I pray your dream will leap beyond your expectations
You’ll see miracles He has no limitations
Listen to His voice a spark will ignite
Let Him be the strength to carry your life
He’ll raise your spirit high

You will find the bloom beneath the sunshine
Reach inside and sail to His horizon
Every little hope you’re holding inside
Every little gleam you keep in your eyes
You’ve waited in your faith you’ve dreamed your whole life
Let your soul begin to fly

Faith in the power to believe
He has given you a dream
Faith in the power to believe
Gotta have faith in the power to believe
He has given you a dream
Faith in the power

Not I But Christ

Here I am wide awake while all the rest of the house sleeps. I've been up for a couple hours now. I've played games, checked my facebook, and even taken a shower, and still my mind will not quiet down! So I began to pray. Okay God... I'm awake. What's up? My mind quickly wandered to different things, and I found that what I was most focused on was my upcoming audition for the worship team at church. I'm really kinda nervous about it! What to play, what to sing... should I sing? Maybe I should just do the keys. Will I be able to perform the song they give me? Am I going to practice the song they already sent me enough. Will I choose the right hymn to sing acapella? Should I do a song that I've written, and if so which one is the best? Will I pass the audition? Am I good enough.... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! My mind wouldn't shut up! And then it hit me! I should not be auditioning! I am not good enough to do it! My talents are nothing! I have every reason in the world to worry, stress and freak out! Unless...... I remember WHO gave me the talent. Jesus is the giver of my gifts and talents! And would he give me something and then leave me to handle it all by myself? No way! He is working through me to use those things he has bestowed. Jesus will be auditioning next week, Jesus will choose the songs, Jesus will decide if I sing and play or just play. Jesus will cause my talent to shine or not. It's all up to him. I am just the vessel ready and waiting to be used. I desire to worship him in music more than anything in the world... He knows that, and is waiting for me to ask him to take over! So, Jesus, will you take care of things for me? I'm afraid and feel less than confidant in myself, but I can trust in you! You who gave the psalmist the words to write, you who gave the angels voices to sing, you who delight over us with singing, you the creator of all music, you who placed in me a new song and a desire to sing and write for you... You can do this! So, here and now I put my voice, fingers and mind into your capable hands. I will now rest in peace knowing it's all under control! You led me to sign up for the audition, you will perform the audition, and you will hand me the results! (So, could you please do an awesome job and give me the thumbs up?)

I'm Forgiven by Sanctus Real

Amazing song! So true! Makes me cry and want to shout at the same time! Goosebumps!

I've found it... Or perhaps it found me.

Sometimes God smacks you in the head with the thing you've been searching for, and then you realize that you've actually known it all along... Yeah, about that.

Sigh.

I've made this all very hard on myself.

To the point of driving my self, my family, my friends, and even the whole world crazy with my searching for purpose. I quit writing on here for a while, because honestly, I felt like I was just spinning in circles with no end in sight. I pretty much gave up.

Funny, I've heard people say that when you stop searching, you find your answer, and it must be true.

I believed with all my heart that there was something for me, but it was just too hard to find.

Then on September 27th we had the privilege to go to a Michelle Tumes concert. Totally amazing! My friend Gail won tickets, and my husband and I were the lucky two that went with her and Tim.

Sitting there listening to her from the third row back right (I had an amazing view of her at the grand piano!) I was overcome by this emotion I couldn't put my finger on, but somehow I couldn't fully enjoy the concert. Oh, I loved the music, but something was wrong. Then it hit me. I wanted to BE her. I wanted to do what she was doing. I thought to myself.... "Is singing in front of people really my purpose?" Hmmm.... I tried to ignore the feeling, but couldn't quite shake it. Then she said something that pierced my heart. She said that she used to be too shy to get up in front of all those people and share the songs that she had written, but God told her that he didn't give them to her for her to keep, but to give away. So she started to sing them for others. Wow. I was like so convicted. Chris even knew it and looked at me.

I've been writing songs off and on since I was 17, nothing extremely spectacular I suppose, but a few good ones. In fact a couple from last year/early this year were pretty good. Problem though... I'm terrified to sing them to anyone. I'm scared of what they'll think. Don't want to hear the criticism that I'm sure will follow, etc. I'll sometimes sing them to Chris, but if I get the feeling he doesn't like it, I completely shut down. (he doesn't get blank verse poetry, so often it stops right there... I write a lot of blank verse!) I figure if my own husband doesn't like it, nobody will. That doesn't factor in that he knows nothing about music... and perhaps just doesn't like the style and that somebody else might. I just keep it all to myself. I know that God gave them to me, but....

I couldn't stop thinking about this. Several days went by. Michelle Tumes songs were in my head at night, in the morning, while I was working, just ALL the time!! Finally, I sat down at the piano and started to play, and ended up rewriting a song that I had written before and it came out absolutely fantastic! Stranger still Chris actually loved it! He cried! The next day with another Michelle Tumes melody in my head I sat down to play it, and ended up playing something totally different and unique. It turned into a brand new song. It made me cry. Since then I've written 3 more new ones, one of which still needs some work, and I'm tweaking a couple old ones, as well as working on melodies for a couple of love poems I wrote when I was a teenager.

I told Chris after that first song that I finally knew my purpose. It's to do what Michelle Tumes does.... The Rebecca Dennison way, of course! I'm supposed to write music, sing and play, perform, basically do the thing that makes me the most fulfilled!

Here I was trying to figure out how to choose between the gift of writing and the gift of music, when I can have my cake and eat it too!!!!

Another funny thing.... I've always heard the full orchestra accompanying me when I played the piano... even when I was a beginner. And no I wasn't crazy, I just knew they should be there filling in the gaps... making the music beautiful, passionate, amazing! Oh my! I couldn't believe it when it hit me... Michelle Tumes uses an orchestra.... That's what I'm supposed to do... My music is supposed to be fully orchestrated! Isn't that crazy? From a kid I've somehow known that!

Chris said that when he heard me play my song Arms of Love he heard the orchestra. Yay! Success! Someone else heard it! Of course there are a few songs that are more keys/drums/guitar, or just piano style.

Anyway, I'm just super excited skipping on clouds! Thanks Jesus for telling me something I should have known already! As many times as I've written a song, and felt so elated afterward... why didn't I figure this out? As much as I love to play the keys in the band... as much as I love to sing in the worship team... how did I not just KNOW?

So, I'm trying to get financial aid to go to Akron U for music composition. I figure that would be of the best help for me. I'll learn how to write all that orchestration stuff. ;0) Plus brush up on piano and vocals while I'm at it.

Yay!

How could I forget?

I told you there was an important flaw to my musings! The finite human brain. I just remembered a very important passion of mine. Music! Especially singing. I was very young (not sure how old) when I sang my first duet with my mom in church, and one of my favorite memories was of being in a Patch the Pirate play at either the church or school (they were so closely linked, my memories blur there too sometimes) and singing a duet with my Uncle Tim. He was Patch, and I was Pixie.
Oh, and that brings to mind another favorite thing... acting!! I began doing that very young as well. 1rst or 2nd grade? I was in school plays and church plays, Christmas plays and Easter plays. And if the acting involved a singing part, so much the better! I think this would have gone much farther had I been involved in a public school, or local theater. I was in Christian School, and then pulled out for homeschooling, so I didn't have many opportunities to develop my acting skills. I did think about going to Northland Baptist Bible College (even sent them my ACT scores) and majoring in music and acting. I loved their traveling music and acting groups.
I did learn to play the piano, however. I mostly taught myself for the sheer joy of it, but did have a few years of lessons in middle school (that I hated!) and one year of lessons at Mount Union College my Senior year in high school (that I loved!). Piano is fun, but singing is my joy. Years of baggage pile up, and I deal with depression now, but there was a time when I sang every minute of the day, and I'm not kidding. I still sing very often, and get caught doing it at the oddest times. People look at me funny when I'm out shopping!
I also enjoyed learned clarinet during middle school, but once again never did much with it because I was not in a school with a marching band. (Trying not to sound bitter, but I do have many regrets about my high school years.) Had the opportunity presented (or perhaps if it ever does?) I would have loved to learn violin, saxophone, french horn, and guitar. I do own a guitar now, and still wish to learn how to play it as well as the drums.
Most recently I have greatly desired to be a worship leader, and to even make a CD. I wish to take voice lessons, keyboard lessons, and guitar lessons so that I am much more rounded musically, and then pursue this. I hesitate now. I love being on the worship team at church. LOVE IT with a passion. But is it my purpose?
Ok... don't get me wrong. I don't want to sound like the Christian who is all whiny and wondering what God's will is for her life. (Ok, maybe I kinda am in a way)
It's kind of like this.
I asked God one day about two months ago about some of my current dreams.... Like being a PartyLite RVP, Being a Worship leader, writing a book, going back to college for cosmetology, law, or business school, or whatever else. How do I choose? Is there another option I don't know about? He replied something I already knew. "You are living in grace. As long as I am with you it is my will. Imagine you are standing in the middle of a field and there's forest on one side, ocean on the other, prairie in front of you and jungle paradise behind you. Turn any way you want and run as fast as you can and I will be with you."
So I know that the question is not the what, it is the whom. However, the key thing here is that when I choose what to run to, it's a whole lot better if it's something I really desire. And even better yet, if I'm abiding in Christ and He's abiding in me, it's very likely that what I desire is going to be what he desires for me, so that when I run it will be with reckless abandon, and with no glancing back and no regrets. Herein lies the problem. I don't know what to choose. I don't have purpose. I truly have no vision. I absolutely have no idea whether I prefer ocean to jungle, forest to prairie, or viseversa. I have no clue. Somewhere in my subconscious mind I may have an inkling, but I wouldn't be writing blog after blog about this subject if I knew.
What am I made for? What will bring Rebecca the greatest joy and fulfillment in the whole wide world when she finds it? What can Jesus and I run to with the certainty that we can stay there until death?

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta...." "I gotta..." "I gotta do something 'till I die!!"

Hmmm... Just what is that something? The song says "love one man 'till I die." That could be the obvious choice for me... my husband is a wonderful man, and many other wonderfully talented woman have chosen a man to be their entire purpose in life. I don't know though, it just doesn't seem like a wise choice. Having spent part of my life finding my fulfillment in marriage, and realizing that husbands do indeed fail you at times (Imagine!) I don't think that it would be a very good idea. Besides, I can only wonder what would happen if (not that I ever want to think about this...) my husband went home to Jesus and left me here. Then what would my purpose be? Would I lose all desire to live once again? I'd be back at the starting place, searching for a purpose, only by then I'd most likely have no desire to even try.

So what could my purpose be?

I've been trying to think back to when I was a child. What did I like? What did I love? What did I dream about? What made me happy? This is difficult for me to do, because all these memories are very mixed up with the things that other people said I liked/loved/wanted/found joy in, as well as the things they said I could not do that I then lost interest in. I know that it must be in there. Doesn't every kid have a dream?

The earliest thing that comes to mind for me is that I have always loved to read. I devoured every book I could get my hands on regardless of genre, and read well above my reading level. My earliest favorites were mysteries, including Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew in 1rst and 2nd grade. Then came my love for writing; first for poetry and journaling, then short stories and book reports, and finally even for research reports. More recently I have discovered the world of blogging, and I adore it! I have often wanted to write a book, I just never sat down and started one.

As a result of all of my reading, I had an extremely adventuristic spirit. I wanted to try everything. I wanted to be everything when I grew up! This becomes another smokescreen in determining my true heart as a child. Let's see... detective, airplane pilot, deep sea diver, owner of a palomino horse ranch in Montana, Australian Outback tour guide, cowgirl, Rich southern plantation owner, join the marines, archaeologist, lawyer, police officer, CEO of a major company, to name a few. Of course, this doesn't count the completely impossible fantasy/historical life careers either ;0) It's kinda hard to be a unicorn, faerie, dragon, Civil War Southern belle, Clipper Ship captain, Cleopatra, a Greek goddess, Renaissance lady, etc.

Along with the love of writing, I also found a love of history and science. History in part from reading historical fiction in part from school. History overlapped science in the field of archaeology and in the study of creation science. I loved it. I decided I wanted to go to college at the Institute for Creation Research. As we studied more and more I began to adore ocean life, and decided to go into marine biology instead, but still wanted to go to ICR and study creation science as well. I felt that every science field needed more of a creation influence. My parents were strongly against me going to ICR, and someone else said that marine biologists did more office work than field work. Being the people pleaser that I was, and the adventure seeker that I was, I began to look elsewhere. I found exactly what I was looking for in the study of anatomy. From that point on I wanted to be a doctor. It's all I focused on. I was not really encouraged into this field, other than by my science teacher and by my two grandfathers... one of them because he wanted me to take care of him when he got old, and the other because he said I could do anything that I set my mind to and he would support any decision I made. My parents again did not like my choice of college, but I did not have many Christian choices in choosing a secular career.

Now insert new complication... one summer at youth camp (7th grade?) I went forward to get saved, but the counselor convinced me that I already was (that was the year I should have gotten saved, rather than just a few years ago... she just wasn't thinking clearly or something). The following night was missionary night and I remember being under a ton of conviction and weeping to the song "Lord, Send Me Anywhere" I didn't know what it was, but I decided that since I was already saved I must be called to missions. From that point on I told everyone I was supposed to be a missionary... even to the point where in order to still be a doctor I decided to be a medical missionary. I really wanted to go to Africa, and later on to India.

This all confuses me very much, because I was very unsaved... but I truly did weep every time a missionary came to church. I really did want to go on missions trips, and I really was torn between being a doctor and being a missionary, to the point where I felt I had to make a choice between the two. I even had this weird vision thingie one year at camp meeting where I saw Indian faces all over the room looking at me and I was terrified and couldn't sleep. I thought it was God wanting me to go to India. Now I have no idea what it was about. Did I want to be a missionary because I was concerned for my own soul? Because I knew it was one thing that would make my parents and pastor happy? I have no idea.

Anyway, I sought a missionary husband. There was this guy I really liked, but I would only allow us to just be friends because he was called to be a church planter, not a missionary. Chris (my husband) and I had been friends for a while, and of course I knew that he planned on going to Ireland as a missionary, so naturally, when I married him, I figured that's what I would end up doing with my life.

We got married, found out I was faking being saved, then I got saved, we surrendered to be missionaries to Sri Lanka... but my heart wasn't in it. Why?

He was called to be a missionary. I wanted adventure. Mystery adventure, Romance adventure, History adventure, Science adventure. Meeting people kind of adventure. But what he was planning was real life ministry. When it didn't work out for us to go, I was secretly glad. I love that country, I love the people we met there. But I still don't know my purpose.

If I am indeed purposed by God to be a missionary, then I have not caught that vision since he has brought me into his family. If I should go to college and be a doctor after all this time, then that sure is complicated seeing as I have two small children to mother! Writing would be the easiest to accomplish...

Even now there is a flaw to these musings. I am likely to have completely missed the most important facts.

But here is the most important question. Even if I feel that I loved one of these the most, I cannot go forward with it. I cannot act upon it. Until God gives me the vision for my life. Until something strikes a chord deep within my innermost soul and the Spirit says, "Yes!" I cannot do anything at all but stay right where I am.

As of now, the song lyrics will have to be true of me...

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta love one man 'till I die"

And that man is Jesus. I man I can rely on and trust. A man who will never let me down. He will show me what I need to know in his time. I know he will, because I asked him too! I just need to focus on him, listen to him, wait on him... and can't help lovin' that man of mine!

I'm so glad I got up this morning!!

I'm weeping as I write this. I was complaining last night about having no time to read the Bible... and that Jesus doesn't wake me up to read anymore... and that I could never get up regularly to an alarm clock... and now here I am wide awake. I woke up around 6:00? I was awake a few times before that but went back to sleep. I lay there for a while, but all I could think about was getting up to read my Bible. "Nah, I'm to tired," I thought. Then when I had myself about convinced that it really was Jesus that wanted me to get up and read and that I should probably listen, my next excuse was that I wouldn't know where to read at. Suddenly Colossians was strongly impressed upon me, but that could have been me, right? So I shrugged it off and tried to get back to sleep. The thought was insistent, so I was like ok then, but I'm having a real hard time reading lately, and my Pastor said that maybe I'd enjoy reading a paraphrase like the Message sometimes and I don't have on yet. I don't want to read this morning, I would maybe read that, but I can't so I have to go back to sleep. Then I have this strong thought that I could of course read the Message on the internet because everything is on the internet. I could even read Colossians in the Message on the internet. Excuse me? Is that you Jesus? It must be, because all I want to do is sleep, and it seems to me like you are explaining away all of my excuses and giving me direction all at the same time. So about 6:30 I dragged myself out of bed. I pulled up BibleGateway.com, finally figured out how to open up the Message, which I have never really read before other than brief passages in books or someone else reading me a quick example, and I began to read. I don't know if it was hearing something that I've heard over and over a different way (I've become almost deaf to it in the past?), I don't know if it was that it sounded as if Paul and Jesus were standing right here talking to me in 2008, I don't know if it was because it was the exact passage in the exact version (paraphrase ;0) ) that Jesus wanted me to read, but I began to weep. And it spoke to me about things that I've been dealing with. And it answered questions that I've had. And it was so beautiful.
I really felt that He was thankful for me! Somebody is singing praises of thanksgiving for me! I felt that when Paul wrote that, he was thinking of me, and beyond that Jesus was thinking of me. I feel so many times as if I don't matter. As if I could disappear from the world and no one would even notice. But someone is thankful to the point of spilling over for me!
Here's verse 9-12: "

Be assured that from the first day we heard of you, we haven't stopped praying for you, asking God to give you wise minds and spirits attuned to his will, and so acquire a thorough understanding of the ways in which God works. We pray that you'll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard. As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us."

To make the Master proud of me? That's what I long for! To not give up and quit? To have strength that endures? To not have that mindset of I'm just going to make it one more day, but I might not make it tomorrow? To actually have real Jesus joy and Jesus thankfulness and Jesus strength? To enjoy life? This would be to experience that life more abundant that Jesus talked about. This is what Paul wants for ME! This is what Jesus wants for ME! And he prays for me to have it! It is attainable... somehow. I want this.
Vs. 13-14:

God rescued us from dead-end alleys and dark dungeons. He's set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much, the Son who got us out of the pit we were in, got rid of the sins we were doomed to keep repeating.

With this depression, I feel like I am in a dead-end alley and a dark dungeon... but that's not where I am in Christ. This is a good reminder.

We look at this Son and see God's original purpose in everything created. For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels—everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him.

I may not know what it is now, but I have a purpose! He says I do! I feel purposeless, just as I feel I don't matter to people (worthless, I suppose). But Jesus says everything finds it's purpose in Him. Perhaps I have not searched in the correct places for my purpose?

So spacious is he, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross.

Here it is again... everything finds it's place in God, but even more so, everything that is broken gets fixed and put back together! Wow! That's me, alright! And even better than it was before...we get put back together into a beautiful song. If I look to him as the source of my purpose and my place He will fix my brokenness. He will rescue me from my darkness. He will place the strength and joy in my heart to serve him with out tiring... because it is he who gives me the song to sing for him! It is that song that gives him pride in me! I can't make him proud in and of myself, can I? wow... He does it all. He gives it all. It's almost more than I can comprehend in one morning.

And finally... Jesus says to me, "Don't give up!"
21-22

You yourselves are a case study of what he does. At one time you all had your backs turned to God, thinking rebellious thoughts of him, giving him trouble every chance you got. But now, by giving himself completely at the Cross, actually dying for you, Christ brought you over to God's side and put your lives together, whole and holy in his presence. You don't walk away from a gift like that! You stay grounded and steady in that bond of trust, constantly tuned in to the Message, careful not to be distracted or diverted.

So.... I'm glad that I got up this morning!

Pour My Love On You

Pour My Love On You by Phillips Craig and Dean

Verse 1:
I don't know how to say exactly how I feel
And I can't begin to tell you what your love has meant
I'm lost for words
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
Lord, this is my desire
To pour my love on You

Chorus:
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you

Verse 2:
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
Lord, this is my desire
To pour my love on you

Chorus:
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you

Every time I hear this song, I find myself lost at the feet of Jesus... Lavishing my praise and love upon Him. This is my desire. I desire to take these precious moments of loving musical refrain and transform my life into one beautiful rapturous love song . Imagine, an entire life devoted only to falling at the feet of my Saviour and bestowing all that I am and all that I ever can be upon Him! I would spend every waking moment anticipating His every need and each hour that goes by in sleep filled with dreams of Him. To be so in love with Jesus that nothing else matters... it used to be so silly to think of such things. I'd hear people talk about it, see people who lived it, or read books by people who tell how to achieve it, and I'd think to myself that it was far to fanciful to be reality. And yet... there was this longing deep inside, this ache that I couldn't deny that longed for this relationship. Of course, it was the Holy Spirit living within me, awakening me to who Jesus really is. Jesus, the loving bridegroom who dotes upon his bride, and I the bride who ignores his every advance... Oh, how it grieved Him. Slowly, my eyes were opened and I tentatively reached out my hand to His. I found in that instant more love and acceptance than I ever dreamed possible! As my heart opened up to His, He poured His love into me. I can hear Him now as He sings to me:

I don't know how to say exactly how I feel
And I can't begin to tell you what your love has meant
I'm lost for words
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
this is my desire
To pour my love on You
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
this is my desire
To pour my love on you
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you

He loves me like that!!! How can I not echo back to him the refrain of mutual affection? How can I not desire to spend a lifetime getting to know the one who loves me with such ardent passion? Spirit, teach me more of this magnificent one who I am united with! Take this spark of desire and turn it into a burning flame for Jesus!