My sincerest apologies

I must apologize to all of you who do not yet comprehend the wonders of the grace walk, as there are some of you who are feeling judged. We of the grace community do not intend to make you feel this way at all, I promise you. None of the words we write are barbed with hatred, malice, bitterness, or any form of bashing against any individual or particular church group/organization for that matter. We are simply as blind men having received our sight who will stop at nothing to proclaim the good news to every blind person we see! Does that make us judgemental?

We all were once slaves serving the Pharoah of Egypt and God rescued us all and brought us over the Red Sea... We are all brothers in Christ having tasted of salvation! In that instance, those on both sides of this matter of grace understand the need to cry the gospel from the rooftops.

Yet... some of those who have entered into salvation wander in the wilderness never receiving the full abundant life that God has promised us. They believe there is victory in Christ.... some day. They believe that there is rest in Christ... someday. They are afraid at every moment to mess it up and offend the God who redeemed them. Their daily lives do not match up to the New Testament example, and they excuse it with, "Well, it will all be made right when we get to heaven." Or perhaps the daily struggles in their lives are so great that they actually would prefer to return to the chains of Egypt, because at least there they had a few pleasures in life.

Then there are some of us who reach the Jordan river, and perhaps with great trepidation or with anticipation we cross over in the arms of our Saviour. The victory, rest, and abundant life they find there is so fantastic that they feel the need to cry out to all the world, "There is FREEDOM in Christ!" We do not ever need to walk in defeat again! Why should we ever desire to return to Egypt when this land flows with milk and honey and the grapes are so HUGE! This is a land of plenty! A land of GRACE.

When we of the grace community come across to you as judgemental, please understand that we are trying to show you something WONDERFUL! We are in pain for you. We remember how it felt to be slaves in Egypt so we tell the lost man how to be saved. We remember what it is like to wander in defeat so we tell the Christian how to find freedom in Christ. We hurt for you and want to help you.
And on the other hand, we love our Saviour soooo much, that we cannot help but speak about what he has done for us! He is our everything!

-if though, you are still intent on finding hate speak in our writings, I will allow this one thing: We are bold proclaimers of hatred of religion in any form. So was Jesus, so this shouldn't be offensive to anyone. :)

Jesus, have you been reading my blog??

Hmmm... this is an odd thing. After sorta shaking my fist at God, then apologizing, then explaining myself, then crying out to him, yet still leaving pretty much upset, He has begun to show himself everywhere. It's almost as if He actually paid attention to me. Huh. Like, He cares? Wow! I shouldn't be so floored, it's not as if I'm totally new at this whole Christian life thing. I've seen Him do some pretty amazing things. The thing is, that when you've spent so long asking and getting nothing, you start to feel a little cynical, you know? And then when it actually happens, there's this part of you (that fleshy part... Nyah ha ha) that says you must be imagining things. But then there is this other part (that New Creation part!! YAY!) that jumps for joy at sight of her beloved coming to her rescue! Sigh, "I knew you would be here... you are just in time!"

And he is just in time. When all hope is gone, he restores my hope. When strength is gone, he becomes my strength. When all joy is gone, he bubbles up inside of me once again. And it may be only for a few moments, but it's enough to get me to the next oasis in this desert of learning.

So, to give credit where credit is due (names excluded to protect the innocent!! ;0) )... this past week I have had two job offers (one of them FANTASTIC!), an interview at a place where I've been begging God to get me into (funny thing about that is, if they call me I'm not sure if I'll take the job!), we've been given $100 by some random person at church (If I knew who you were, I'd give you a big hug!!!), $500 from a friend, groceries from another friend (cupboards were bare! she rocks!), pull-ups and a few groceries from a relative, and the creme-de-la-creme was the friend who changed our oil, filled up our gas tank, and then changed our front brakes and rotors! (not that they are any more special than the friend who bought us groceries, just that that was something that we have needed done desperately!)

So, thanks to all of them... Wow! They may or may not have any idea how much that was needed, but I want them to know how much it meant spiritually. It's been dry and dusty. And they were Jesus to us. To me! I saw Jesus in them.

But as I said, credit where credit is due... Jesus, I'm in awe. You said, I'd find you if I sought you with all my heart, and that's one thing I haven't quit doing. And sure enough here you are. And you are doing big things. Well, big to me from the perspective I'm in at this moment. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Now if you wouldn't mind taking care of a few other things... ;0) I have a list. And since you are reading my blog anyway, check out my whole purpose/vision struggle. I've been asking you for vision for over a month now! Hint. Hint.

Perhaps a little unfair...

Upon reflection, I was perhaps a little unfair to you, Lord. You have been present in our lives... just not in the miraculously huge way that I feel that we really need. There was that awesome gift we received on Sunday that I didn't even thank you for, and I apologize. You do show in little things along the way that you are here. In fact, funny thing is, you have been more present in some ways than you have been in a long time. What ways? Oh, like waking me up in the morning to spend time with you, like speaking to me through your word... you have been more real to me this year than you have been in a long time. If you seek me you will find me if you search for me with all your heart... and I've been seeking. I've had no choice but to seek. My heart has found joy in nothing else. Fulfillment in no other thing. You have become my ultimate obsession. And indeed, I have found you... and yet I am still far from satisfied. I know there is more. I know that I have not yet discovered all that is to be found in you. You are beyond my comprehension, far above my understanding. I can always go deeper, wider, farther into you. And I long for it - for that ultimate satisfaction that is found in being fully in love with my Saviour. And yet when circumstances of life get tough, who do I blame? You. The one person in my life who always gets me. The one person in my life who I should trust 100% of the time with everything I am. You are the first one that I blame. I feel abandoned. I feel alone. I know it isn't true. You said you will never leave me. You will never forsake me. But were those just words? Sometimes I feel that you are a taker. You take from me everything that I am willing to give to you, and you give nothing back. That is so unfair. But what is more unfair? You being a taker, or me feeling that you are. You who gave yourself... your very life for me. You who gave up everything so that I could live... So that I could be one with you... So that I could spend eternity with you. I am the most unloyal of friends. The most undeserving of your servants. Trust? What do I know of it? Faith? It is as a foreign word to me. I want to know more of your mercy, but want to learn little of patience. I want to learn more of your love, but less of longsuffering. I want to learn of your compassion, and less of trials and tribulations. I want to experience more of being under the shadow of your wings, and less of carrying your cross. These tears. You see them, right? I know you do. And you have the power to wipe them away. To reach down with your peace, with your reassurance that it's all ok. That you are going to fix it. That you aren't molding me into the woman you want me to be for nothing. You aren't setting me up for failure. Because right now, that's all I feel like. So yes, I know you are here, I know that you are present in my life, and I know that I am likely the one who needs to learn the lesson here, but this once I'd love to have you come down and just make it all go away. Of course, it won't happen. I will cry. I will wait. I will learn. I will trust. I will grow. Somewhere on the other side of all of this I may even laugh. At least I know that even though there are times that I feel like it , I'm not alone - you are here. I can talk to you. We can be closer than ever before. Thank you for that.

No fair...

Have you ever been in a place where you just knew God was going to do something really huge, and you are anticipating it, begging for it, and can almost taste it... but then he points the finger of conviction on you and says that there's something you are doing that is keeping the something really huge from happening? Been there, done that - yesterday morning in Sunday School.
We have been praying for the Holy Spirit to do something amazing in our church for a while, and in keeping with that my husband has been teaching on the Holy Spirit and revivals in Sunday School for several months. It just gets more and more exciting with every passing week as we think about what God has done and what he can do. The last three weeks I have felt inside of me an intensity of passion for Christ and what he is going to do in our church like I have never felt before. I'm experiencing worship in a whole new way, and I am sure that others are feeling the same way.
But then as my husband read of missionary Jonathan Goforth restoring a relationship with another missionary, my heart began pounding with conviction. There was something in my life that wasn't right. Somewhere that I was prideful and refusing to admit my fault. Someone that I claim to love dearly that I was hurting very much. And as Goforth's obedience to God brought about revival, so to would my obedience to God lead us one step closer to what he has for us as a church.
I confess, I am too prideful, too stubborn, and too focused on getting my own way, and on top of that I have a certain unwillingness to admit any wrong on my part when I feel that I have been wronged in the first place.
I wanted to make it right as soon as possible, I really did...
Revival starts in the individual hearts of men; revival starts with confessing of sin; revival starts with apologies and forgiveness to others even when you think that you are in the right. Revival brings unity, and that unity can't be had when we are not showing real love for one another.
I know this and yet I held back all day yesterday from what I knew I needed to do.
This morning in my Bible reading I read in my Bible something that I really wanted to be true for me. I prayed about it, and God reminded me about that little issue I needed to take care of with that certain someone.
NO FAIR, God.
It has become obvious to me that any further spiritual growth will be severely stunted until I make this matter right.
Caught between pride and my desire for Christ.
How surrendered am I?
So I called this person and told them that it was imperative that I speak with them tonight.
I'm afraid. Afraid to admit my faults. Afraid that this person who of course is not blind to my imperfections will not only be unwilling to accept my apology, but be full of other short comings that have not even been brought to my attention at this time.
I can't do this, but Jesus can. He wants me to do it, so he must be planning on being there for it.
I guess that will have to be my consolation for now...

Sorry

Ok... I must apologize to Jesus for whining... the hostess at the party tonight decided to start the business! I have the first person for my team! So, maybe I'm short in sales and bookings, but I'm one person closer to doubling my total income. That is what I've really been praying for after all. I've been praying for 6 team members so that I can be a unit leader. Perhaps my error was in not praying for bookings and sales as well? Silly me.
Yet, I know that he didn't mind all of my asking. ;0) It's part of the relationship communication. You have to ask questions to get answers. My answer was in my new team member. My answer was that Jesus is still in control, still loving me, and still blessing my life. Would I have still gotten that answer had I not asked the questions? Perhaps, but surely I would have missed the significance!