My spiritual journey: moments of clarity, ponderings, and vast irritations

Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Spiritual Disorders Part 2

Ever been mountain climbing? Well, I haven't, but I've watched those national geographic shows about it. Imagine you are climbing Mt. Everest. You are making amazingly fast time and are set to make a world record for length of time to reach the peak. After scaling sheer cliffs, crossing vast glaciers, surviving avalanches and terrible weather, you reach a small boulder. "AAAAHH!" you shriek. "A boulder! I can't get over that boulder! I need to quit right now!! Time to turn back team. This obstacle is just too much for me. I'm done. I will never reach the top." That would be so silly, wouldn't it? I laugh to myself as I imaging the whole team descending the mountain over a rock when they had overcome much greater obstacles that that before. And yet....
How many times in my walk with Christ have I been scaling the heights in Him... flying high! I knew I was victorious, I knew things were going to be okay. The trial may have been enormous, but in Christ I was more than a conqueror! And then a small hurdle was placed in my way... "OH NO! God has forgotten me! How could he do that? We were doing so well... the end was in sight, and now this? How could he do this to me?" And in that instance like Peter the waves become greater than faith in the Saviour.
I call this Spiritual Attention Deficit Disorder. Satan LOVES to use this one. He realizes that our faith is strong, and he can't stop us by using that huge thing he places in our path; so he places tiny nuisances along the way. It's kinda like the straw that broke the camels back! Oh, how we get soooo focused on the little things! "I'm getting the victory! Oh... look! there's a puddle in my way!" And suddenly that 'puddle' becomes the most important thing in the world to you... until the next little thing, and the next little thing. And suddenly we melt in a pile of anxiety and worry and depression because we are completely unable to stay focused on what the battle really is about!
My most recent SADD moment (Lol! sadd!) began last week. I have terribly weak ankles due to bad bone structure. Every time I gain weight from a pregnancy they get worse. After having Meagan in July, they reached a pain level I have never experienced before. I felt like I was walking on tooth picks. SCARY! I worried that I would drop Baby Megs at any moment. On top of all this, my insurance ran out. Both ankles needed surgery, and that's a total of 6 months recovery time. Impossible with 3 kids and a husband working, besides the fact that there is no way we could ever afford it. Our new church has healing prayer on Thursday nights, and I got to thinking that it wouldn't hurt anything to ask God to heal them.... why not? So I went (Aug 24). I was prayed over. God brought to light some things I needed to deal with in order to receive healing, and the elders prayed for that too. (another story!) I left that service on cloud 9! My ankles still hurt, but I KNEW God was doing something. Friday and Saturday were amazing days. My faith was soo strong. I was going about my day with so much joy that I hardly even noticed my ankle pain. Then Sunday came... that afternoon we were going to the mall, but the boys wanted to go to the park. Everybody changed plans on me. I was ticked. I grudgingly went along with them, but I wasn't going to like it! They played for a while, and I persuaded Chris to take us to the mall... only to remember that they close early on Sundays. Now I was ANGRY! The only thing I wanted to do that day and I didn't get to. I was so focused on this little thing that I remembered how bad my ankle pain was. I started to doubt what God was doing in my life, and I let my attitude show it. I realized what was going on that evening and renewed my faith in our evening devotional time.
So... now I'm on track, right? Not for long... I had a repeat of this on Tuesday because I had a long wait at an appointment. (It sure doesn't take much for me to lose focus on Jesus! lol) That was easily overcome with a trip to the mall, a Starbucks caramel frappuccino, iced lemon pound cake, and an apology to God and my husband (who I had hung up on several times that morning in frustration!), but it could have been avoided.
Backing up a bit, I have had a cold for the last three weeks or so... nothing too bad, just irritating. I woke up at around 2 o'clock in the morning Thursday (Oct. 1) and that cold had changed to bronchitis. YUCK! I knew the only way to beat it was antibiotics, but I no longer had insurance. I moped all day. My ankles killed me, I was depressed, I was upset. If God couldn't keep me well, how could he heal my ankles? I heard this voice in my head saying that the bronchitis was an obstacle Satan was throwing at me to try to steal my faith, but I ignored it. I made a choice NOT to go to prayer meeting that night. I was just going to go to bed and take care of myself since God couldn't.
Long story short, I ended up at prayer meeting.... and they prayed for me again. As one of the elders prayed for my ankles he looked up at me and said, "God wants you to know that this bronchitis is an attack of Satan trying to sidetrack you from what God is doing in you." WOW! funny... I guess I should have listened to that voice earlier in the day! They prayed for the bronchitis to leave me, and I left that meeting with my joy restored! The awesome thing in this is Friday morning I woke up and the bronchitis was GONE! I can breathe normally again! I have some residual coughing and runny nose, but it's all loose. I've never gotten better from bronchitis without meds! And that quickly?! God is good!
So, what in the world is wrong with me? God is faithful! Christ himself lives in me, and it should be soooo easy to focus on him 100% of the time! Shouldn't it? Why do all these little obstacles so quickly steal my undivided attention?
I am reminded of my conversation with Jessica the other day.... It's gaps in my conscious. My heart and head KNOW who I am in Christ, that my faith comes from Christ, that my victory comes from Christ, that all that I am comes from Christ... but sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. There are these little places in my mind that still have that old programming. Those little 'gaps' think that my faith is from me, that victory is up to me, and that I have to figure things out for myself. WRONGO! But those are the places Satan most likes to attack! He knows my weaknesses. All he has to do is figure out those areas and throw something in my path, and BAM! I forget the way of grace and walk in disgrace! As I said yesterday in Part 1, the only way to fix this is renewing my mind in the Word, reminding myself of my spiritual REALITY, and claiming authority over Satan. He has no business messing with a child of God! And I will be able to quench all his fiery darts in Jesus Christ as I immerse myself in his Word.
:) Here's to victory over Spiritual ADD!!!

Monday, August 4, 2008

I've been looking at the waves for too long...

It's funny just how quickly I can spiral to the lowest of lows in mood. God can be so good to me one day, and I can be so thankful... then I feel kinda lost and alone again wondering just where God is. Why is it that some days he just seems more real, more good, more present, more ALIVE... and then other days he seems distant and uncaring, almost as if he's playing a game of hide and seek with me. Is he playing games?

Obviously God is still here, as he promised to never leave, certainly Jesus is still abiding in me, and of course I still have the Holy Spirit just as always. So what is different from one day to the next?

I am reminded of Peter as he bravely, trustingly stepped out of the boat into the raging stormy sea, eyes only on Jesus. Wow. What a peak in this man's walk with Christ! He was not only witnessing a miracle, but actually taking part in it! But something happened. Peter began to sink. What was going on? Had Jesus disappeared? Had Jesus lost his power? Had Jesus decided to let him step out, only to let him die? I'm sure many things went through Peter's mind at the time. I'd have been wondering what in the world I was doing stepping out of the boat in the first place! How foolish! But Jesus hadn't changed. Peter had changed. He went from being full of faith to full of fear. He looked about him and began to focus on the 'real' situation: he had stepped out of the safety of the boat and was in the middle of the giant waves of a storm! Of course, we know that he cried out to Jesus and Jesus rescued him, but what really happened here? Peter focused on the wrong reality. The big 'R' reality for Peter was that Jesus told him he could step out. Jesus was all that was keeping him up, and all that mattered was faith.

This is me all over! God has this absolutely amazing Reality for me. It's beyond my wildest dreams. All I have to do to obtain that Reality is focus on him. Keep my eyes on the Master of the storm. But what do I do? I look all around me. I worry. I panic. I get frustrated. I get angry. I become afraid. I pretty much freak out! It would be so easy for me to just live there all the time. It's like second nature for me. Then starts the nasty spiral of depression and anxiety. Of course, I excuse it away because I'm just being realistic. There's a bunch of bad stuff going on in my life, and nobody is going to fix it but me. I have to deal with it. I have to figure it out.

This is a vicious cycle! I can't fix it. I can't figure it out. These are circumstances that God has allowed to surround me as I walk toward him. Who has the power to stop the storm? Me? Or Christ? It's kinda like he's testing me to see where I'm going to look at. I think I fail more than I succeed. But then Christ reaches out for me. He never lets me drown. I sure think I'm going to, but he doesn't let it happen. He calms the storm, even if only for a few moments, and reminds me who is in control. He tells me that it's going to be alright. He catches me in his sweet gaze and says that I am blessed, loved, protected, everything that I need to hear. In those moments I feel as if my heart would burst into a thousand pieces. How can I ever look away from him again? This one who loves me like that deserves far better than what I give him.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

IPIP-NEO 5 Factor Personality Test

Took this very long Personality Test today... Maybe helpful, maybe just more of what I already know! So I go onward in this pursuit of a dream, purpose and vision!


This report compares Becca from the country USA to other adult women. (The name used in this report is either a nickname chosen by the person taking the test, or, if a valid nickname was not chosen, a random nickname generated by the program.)

This report estimates the individual's level on each of the five broad personality domains of the Five-Factor Model. The description of each one of the five broad domains is followed by a more detailed description of personality according to the six subdomains that comprise each domain.

A note on terminology. Personality traits describe, relative to other people, the frequency or intensity of a person's feelings, thoughts, or behaviors. Possession of a trait is therefore a matter of degree. We might describe two individuals as extraverts, but still see one as more extraverted than the other. This report uses expressions such as "extravert" or "high in extraversion" to describe someone who is likely to be seen by others as relatively extraverted. The computer program that generates this report classifies you as low, average, or high in a trait according to whether your score is approximately in the lowest 30%, middle 40%, or highest 30% of scores obtained by people of your sex and roughly your age. Your numerical scores are reported and graphed as percentile estimates. For example, a score of "60" means that your level on that trait is estimated to be higher than 60% of persons of your sex and age.

Please keep in mind that "low," "average," and "high" scores on a personality test are neither absolutely good nor bad. A particular level on any trait will probably be neutral or irrelevant for a great many activites, be helpful for accomplishing some things, and detrimental for accomplishing other things. As with any personality inventory, scores and descriptions can only approximate an individual's actual personality. High and low score descriptions are usually accurate, but average scores close to the low or high boundaries might misclassify you as only average. On each set of six subdomain scales it is somewhat uncommon but certainly possible to score high in some of the subdomains and low in the others. In such cases more attention should be paid to the subdomain scores than to the broad domain score. Questions about the accuracy of your results are best resolved by showing your report to people who know you well.

John A. Johnson wrote descriptions of the five domains and thirty subdomains. These descriptions are based on an extensive reading of the scientific literature on personality measurement.

Extraversion

Extraversion is marked by pronounced engagement with the external world. Extraverts enjoy being with people, are full of energy, and often experience positive emotions. They tend to be enthusiastic, action-oriented, individuals who are likely to say "Yes!" or "Let's go!" to opportunities for excitement. In groups they like to talk, assert themselves, and draw attention to themselves.

Introverts lack the exuberance, energy, and activity levels of extraverts. They tend to be quiet, low-key, deliberate, and disengaged from the social world. Their lack of social involvement should not be interpreted as shyness or depression; the introvert simply needs less stimulation than an extravert and prefers to be alone. The independence and reserve of the introvert is sometimes mistaken as unfriendliness or arrogance. In reality, an introvert who scores high on the agreeableness dimension will not seek others out but will be quite pleasant when approached.

Domain/Facet........... Score

Extraversion...............99

Friendliness.............95

Gregariousness...........99

Assertiveness............99

Activity Level...........94

Excitement-Seeking.......99

Cheerfulness.............97

Your score on Extraversion is high, indicating you are sociable, outgoing, energetic, and lively. You prefer to be around people much of the time.

Extraversion Facets

  • Friendliness. Friendly people genuinely like other people and openly demonstrate positive feelings toward others. They make friends quickly and it is easy for them to form close, intimate relationships. Low scorers on Friendliness are not necessarily cold and hostile, but they do not reach out to others and are perceived as distant and reserved. Your level of friendliness is high.
  • Gregariousness. Gregarious people find the company of others pleasantly stimulating and rewarding. They enjoy the excitement of crowds. Low scorers tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. They do not necessarily dislike being with people sometimes, but their need for privacy and time to themselves is much greater than for individuals who score high on this scale. Your level of gregariousness is high.
  • Assertiveness. High scorers Assertiveness like to speak out, take charge, and direct the activities of others. They tend to be leaders in groups. Low scorers tend not to talk much and let others control the activities of groups. Your level of assertiveness is high.
  • Activity Level. Active individuals lead fast-paced, busy lives. They move about quickly, energetically, and vigorously, and they are involved in many activities. People who score low on this scale follow a slower and more leisurely, relaxed pace. Your activity level is high.
  • Excitement-Seeking. High scorers on this scale are easily bored without high levels of stimulation. They love bright lights and hustle and bustle. They are likely to take risks and seek thrills. Low scorers are overwhelmed by noise and commotion and are adverse to thrill-seeking. Your level of excitement-seeking is high.
  • Cheerfulness. This scale measures positive mood and feelings, not negative emotions (which are a part of the Neuroticism domain). Persons who score high on this scale typically experience a range of positive feelings, including happiness, enthusiasm, optimism, and joy. Low scorers are not as prone to such energetic, high spirits. Your level of positive emotions is high.

Agreeableness

Agreeableness reflects individual differences in concern with cooperation and social harmony. Agreeable individuals value getting along with others. They are therefore considerate, friendly, generous, helpful, and willing to compromise their interests with others'. Agreeable people also have an optimistic view of human nature. They believe people are basically honest, decent, and trustworthy.

Disagreeable individuals place self-interest above getting along with others. They are generally unconcerned with others' well-being, and therefore are unlikely to extend themselves for other people. Sometimes their skepticism about others' motives causes them to be suspicious, unfriendly, and uncooperative.

Agreeableness is obviously advantageous for attaining and maintaining popularity. Agreeable people are better liked than disagreeable people. On the other hand, agreeableness is not useful in situations that require tough or absolute objective decisions. Disagreeable people can make excellent scientists, critics, or soldiers.

Domain/Facet........... Score

Agreeableness..............25

Trust....................66

Morality.................5

Altruism.................64

Cooperation..............57

Modesty..................8

Sympathy.................9

Your score on Agreeableness is low, indicating less concern with others' needs Than with your own. People see you as tough, critical, and uncompromising.

Agreeableness Facets

  • Trust. A person with high trust assumes that most people are fair, honest, and have good intentions. Persons low in trust see others as selfish, devious, and potentially dangerous. Your level of trust is average.
  • Morality. High scorers on this scale see no need for pretense or manipulation when dealing with others and are therefore candid, frank, and sincere. Low scorers believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. People find it relatively easy to relate to the straightforward high-scorers on this scale. They generally find it more difficult to relate to the unstraightforward low-scorers on this scale. It should be made clear that low scorers are not unprincipled or immoral; they are simply more guarded and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth. Your level of morality is low.
  • Altruism. Altruistic people find helping other people genuinely rewarding. Consequently, they are generally willing to assist those who are in need. Altruistic people find that doing things for others is a form of self-fulfillment rather than self-sacrifice. Low scorers on this scale do not particularly like helping those in need. Requests for help feel like an imposition rather than an opportunity for self-fulfillment. Your level of altruism is average.
  • Cooperation. Individuals who score high on this scale dislike confrontations. They are perfectly willing to compromise or to deny their own needs in order to get along with others. Those who score low on this scale are more likely to intimidate others to get their way. Your level of compliance is average.
  • Modesty. High scorers on this scale do not like to claim that they are better than other people. In some cases this attitude may derive from low self-confidence or self-esteem. Nonetheless, some people with high self-esteem find immodesty unseemly. Those who are willing to describe themselves as superior tend to be seen as disagreeably arrogant by other people. Your level of modesty is low.
  • Sympathy. People who score high on this scale are tenderhearted and compassionate. They feel the pain of others vicariously and are easily moved to pity. Low scorers are not affected strongly by human suffering. They pride themselves on making objective judgments based on reason. They are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy. Your level of tender-mindedness is low.

Conscientiousness

Conscientiousness concerns the way in which we control, regulate, and direct our impulses. Impulses are not inherently bad; occasionally time constraints require a snap decision, and acting on our first impulse can be an effective response. Also, in times of play rather than work, acting spontaneously and impulsively can be fun. Impulsive individuals can be seen by others as colorful, fun-to-be-with, and zany.

Nonetheless, acting on impulse can lead to trouble in a number of ways. Some impulses are antisocial. Uncontrolled antisocial acts not only harm other members of society, but also can result in retribution toward the perpetrator of such impulsive acts. Another problem with impulsive acts is that they often produce immediate rewards but undesirable, long-term consequences. Examples include excessive socializing that leads to being fired from one's job, hurling an insult that causes the breakup of an important relationship, or using pleasure-inducing drugs that eventually destroy one's health.

Impulsive behavior, even when not seriously destructive, diminishes a person's effectiveness in significant ways. Acting impulsively disallows contemplating alternative courses of action, some of which would have been wiser than the impulsive choice. Impulsivity also sidetracks people during projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Accomplishments of an impulsive person are therefore small, scattered, and inconsistent.

A hallmark of intelligence, what potentially separates human beings from earlier life forms, is the ability to think about future consequences before acting on an impulse. Intelligent activity involves contemplation of long-range goals, organizing and planning routes to these goals, and persisting toward one's goals in the face of short-lived impulses to the contrary. The idea that intelligence involves impulse control is nicely captured by the term prudence, an alternative label for the Conscientiousness domain. Prudent means both wise and cautious. Persons who score high on the Conscientiousness scale are, in fact, perceived by others as intelligent.

The benefits of high conscientiousness are obvious. Conscientious individuals avoid trouble and achieve high levels of success through purposeful planning and persistence. They are also positively regarded by others as intelligent and reliable. On the negative side, they can be compulsive perfectionists and workaholics. Furthermore, extremely conscientious individuals might be regarded as stuffy and boring. Unconscientious people may be criticized for their unreliability, lack of ambition, and failure to stay within the lines, but they will experience many short-lived pleasures and they will never be called stuffy.

Domain/Facet........... Score

Conscientiousness..........44

Self-Efficacy............85

Orderliness..............37

Dutifulness..............33

Achievement-Striving.....84

Self-Discipline..........47

Cautiousness.............4

Your score on Conscientiousness is average. This means you are reasonably reliable, organized, and self-controlled.

Conscientiousness Facets

  • Self-Efficacy. Self-Efficacy describes confidence in one's ability to accomplish things. High scorers believe they have the intelligence (common sense), drive, and self-control necessary for achieving success. Low scorers do not feel effective, and may have a sense that they are not in control of their lives. Your level of self-efficacy is high.
  • Orderliness. Persons with high scores on orderliness are well-organized. They like to live according to routines and schedules. They keep lists and make plans. Low scorers tend to be disorganized and scattered. Your level of orderliness is average.
  • Dutifulness. This scale reflects the strength of a person's sense of duty and obligation. Those who score high on this scale have a strong sense of moral obligation. Low scorers find contracts, rules, and regulations overly confining. They are likely to be seen as unreliable or even irresponsible. Your level of dutifulness is average.
  • Achievement-Striving. Individuals who score high on this scale strive hard to achieve excellence. Their drive to be recognized as successful keeps them on track toward their lofty goals. They often have a strong sense of direction in life, but extremely high scores may be too single-minded and obsessed with their work. Low scorers are content to get by with a minimal amount of work, and might be seen by others as lazy. Your level of achievement striving is high.
  • Self-Discipline. Self-discipline-what many people call will-power-refers to the ability to persist at difficult or unpleasant tasks until they are completed. People who possess high self-discipline are able to overcome reluctance to begin tasks and stay on track despite distractions. Those with low self-discipline procrastinate and show poor follow-through, often failing to complete tasks-even tasks they want very much to complete. Your level of self-discipline is average.
  • Cautiousness. Cautiousness describes the disposition to think through possibilities before acting. High scorers on the Cautiousness scale take their time when making decisions. Low scorers often say or do first thing that comes to mind without deliberating alternatives and the probable consequences of those alternatives. Your level of cautiousness is low.

Neuroticism

Freud originally used the term neurosis to describe a condition marked by mental distress, emotional suffering, and an inability to cope effectively with the normal demands of life. He suggested that everyone shows some signs of neurosis, but that we differ in our degree of suffering and our specific symptoms of distress. Today neuroticism refers to the tendency to experience negative feelings. Those who score high on Neuroticism may experience primarily one specific negative feeling such as anxiety, anger, or depression, but are likely to experience several of these emotions. People high in neuroticism are emotionally reactive. They respond emotionally to events that would not affect most people, and their reactions tend to be more intense than normal. They are more likely to interpret ordinary situations as threatening, and minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult. Their negative emotional reactions tend to persist for unusually long periods of time, which means they are often in a bad mood. These problems in emotional regulation can diminish a neurotic's ability to think clearly, make decisions, and cope effectively with stress.

At the other end of the scale, individuals who score low in neuroticism are less easily upset and are less emotionally reactive. They tend to be calm, emotionally stable, and free from persistent negative feelings. Freedom from negative feelings does not mean that low scorers experience a lot of positive feelings; frequency of positive emotions is a component of the Extraversion domain.

Domain/Facet........... Score

Neuroticism................58

Anxiety..................60

Anger....................87

Depression...............77

Self-Consciousness.......1

Immoderation.............63

Vulnerability............53

Your score on Neuroticism is average, indicating that your level of emotional reactivity is typical of the general population. Stressful and frustrating situations are somewhat upsetting to you, but you are generally able to get over these feelings and cope with these situations.

Neuroticism Facets

  • Anxiety. The "fight-or-flight" system of the brain of anxious individuals is too easily and too often engaged. Therefore, people who are high in anxiety often feel like something dangerous is about to happen. They may be afraid of specific situations or be just generally fearful. They feel tense, jittery, and nervous. Persons low in Anxiety are generally calm and fearless. Your level of anxiety is average.
  • Anger. Persons who score high in Anger feel enraged when things do not go their way. They are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter when they feel they are being cheated. This scale measures the tendency to feel angry; whether or not the person expresses annoyance and hostility depends on the individual's level on Agreeableness. Low scorers do not get angry often or easily. Your level of anger is high.
  • Depression. This scale measures the tendency to feel sad, dejected, and discouraged. High scorers lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. Low scorers tend to be free from these depressive feelings. Your level of depression is high.
  • Self-Consciousness. Self-conscious individuals are sensitive about what others think of them. Their concern about rejection and ridicule cause them to feel shy and uncomfortable abound others. They are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Their fears that others will criticize or make fun of them are exaggerated and unrealistic, but their awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy. Low scorers, in contrast, do not suffer from the mistaken impression that everyone is watching and judging them. They do not feel nervous in social situations. Your level or self-consciousness is low.
  • Immoderation. Immoderate individuals feel strong cravings and urges that they have difficulty resisting. They tend to be oriented toward short-term pleasures and rewards rather than long- term consequences. Low scorers do not experience strong, irresistible cravings and consequently do not find themselves tempted to overindulge. Your level of immoderation is average.
  • Vulnerability. High scorers on Vulnerability experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. Low scorers feel more poised, confident, and clear-thinking when stressed. Your level of vulnerability is average.

Openness to Experience

Openness to Experience describes a dimension of cognitive style that distinguishes imaginative, creative people from down-to-earth, conventional people. Open people are intellectually curious, appreciative of art, and sensitive to beauty. They tend to be, compared to closed people, more aware of their feelings. They tend to think and act in individualistic and nonconforming ways. Intellectuals typically score high on Openness to Experience; consequently, this factor has also been called Culture or Intellect. Nonetheless, Intellect is probably best regarded as one aspect of openness to experience. Scores on Openness to Experience are only modestly related to years of education and scores on standard intelligent tests.

Another characteristic of the open cognitive style is a facility for thinking in symbols and abstractions far removed from concrete experience. Depending on the individual's specific intellectual abilities, this symbolic cognition may take the form of mathematical, logical, or geometric thinking, artistic and metaphorical use of language, music composition or performance, or one of the many visual or performing arts. People with low scores on openness to experience tend to have narrow, common interests. They prefer the plain, straightforward, and obvious over the complex, ambiguous, and subtle. They may regard the arts and sciences with suspicion, regarding these endeavors as abstruse or of no practical use. Closed people prefer familiarity over novelty; they are conservative and resistant to change.

Openness is often presented as healthier or more mature by psychologists, who are often themselves open to experience. However, open and closed styles of thinking are useful in different environments. The intellectual style of the open person may serve a professor well, but research has shown that closed thinking is related to superior job performance in police work, sales, and a number of service occupations.

Domain/Facet........... Score

Openness to experience.....91

Imagination..............95

Artistic Interests.......82

Emotionality.............92

Adventurousness..........99

Intellect................93

Liberalism...............0

Your score on Openness to Experience is high, indicating you enjoy novelty, variety, and change. You are curious, imaginative, and creative.

Openness Facets

  • Imagination. To imaginative individuals, the real world is often too plain and ordinary. High scorers on this scale use fantasy as a way of creating a richer, more interesting world. Low scorers are on this scale are more oriented to facts than fantasy. Your level of imagination is high.
  • Artistic Interests. High scorers on this scale love beauty, both in art and in nature. They become easily involved and absorbed in artistic and natural events. They are not necessarily artistically trained nor talented, although many will be. The defining features of this scale are interest in, and appreciation of natural and artificial beauty. Low scorers lack aesthetic sensitivity and interest in the arts. Your level of artistic interests is high.
  • Emotionality. Persons high on Emotionality have good access to and awareness of their own feelings. Low scorers are less aware of their feelings and tend not to express their emotions openly. Your level of emotionality is high.
  • Adventurousness. High scorers on adventurousness are eager to try new activities, travel to foreign lands, and experience different things. They find familiarity and routine boring, and will take a new route home just because it is different. Low scorers tend to feel uncomfortable with change and prefer familiar routines. Your level of adventurousness is high.
  • Intellect. Intellect and artistic interests are the two most important, central aspects of openness to experience. High scorers on Intellect love to play with ideas. They are open-minded to new and unusual ideas, and like to debate intellectual issues. They enjoy riddles, puzzles, and brain teasers. Low scorers on Intellect prefer dealing with either people or things rather than ideas. They regard intellectual exercises as a waste of time. Intellect should not be equated with intelligence. Intellect is an intellectual style, not an intellectual ability, although high scorers on Intellect score slightly higher than low-Intellect individuals on standardized intelligence tests. Your level of intellect is high.
  • Liberalism. Psychological liberalism refers to a readiness to challenge authority, convention, and traditional values. In its most extreme form, psychological liberalism can even represent outright hostility toward rules, sympathy for law-breakers, and love of ambiguity, chaos, and disorder. Psychological conservatives prefer the security and stability brought by conformity to tradition. Psychological liberalism and conservatism are not identical to political affiliation, but certainly incline individuals toward certain political parties. Your level of liberalism is low.


Monday, July 14, 2008

Trapped or Free

Today I have a job interview. I am excited. I can almost taste what it is like to be back in the work place again! After 4 1/2 years of being home with children, I am headed back out into the world of 40 hours a week and Friday is payday. (I'm not dead set on 40 hours though... I'll probably start at 30 and see how it goes? We'll see) This is not really what I had planned at this stage in my life, as I was going to wait until both of my children were in school, but our financial situation demands it. Strange. I should feel forced into working, or angry... I should feel trapped. Why am I not feeling this emotion? For years I was trapped by being home all the time, when what I really wanted to do was work... yet for the love of my children, I stayed home. At the same time, I never wanted to work because I had too, and anytime it was brought up I felt forced into the situation... again trapped. I think for the first time in my life, I am realizing that I can choose how I feel. And when it comes down to it, I want to work. So why should I let my issues of being cornered into it affect my joy in this?
Chris preached on the word 'Trapped' in Sunday School yesterday, and the quote on the top of the page was "Freedom is Frightening." Yeah, it's kinda like that. I'm so used to the feelings and emotions of being trapped in my life... stuck in my circumstances... that old Mr. Fear comes along and says that I can never be free. I can never have joy. I can never let go of my depression. Mr. Fear says that there is no door to exit; the only solution to my problems is death. But what Mr. Fear doesn't know is that I am opening my eyes to something HUGE! I have the key to get out of that feeling. I have the key to change how I perceive a situation. I have the key to give thanks in all things - to see that silver lining on the cloud!
The first key is that God is sovereign in my situation! He foreordained it to happen. He knows what's going on. He sees it all. He saw me all of those years as I cared for my children while I felt lonely, unfulfilled, and without purpose. He sees our financial situation that would force me into finding a job sooner than I had planned. He knows. He sees. He brought it upon me! That is the second key. He brings things upon me to prepare me for the ministry that he has for me! Here I am excited about today, but also dreading it. Dreading escaping the box of my house, and fearing that I am just entering one more box at work. Is there really any freedom? What would I do with it if I were truly free? This is the wrong attitude. Jesus is bringing each circumstance into my life to shape me for that perfect plan He has in mind. He created me to do a specific something, and designed special circumstances to shape me into exactly what he had in mind. Everybody has an opinion on what they think about me going back to work... positive, negative and neutral... but the bottom line is that this is an experience God wants me to have right now for his glory in my life. The third key is that even if I feel alone, Jesus goes through everything I go through right along with me. The coolest thing that Chris said about feeling trapped was that 'When God is conspicuously absent it is when he is most omnisciently present." When I don't feel him, don't see him, and feel like I'm just going to have to figure things out on my own, He is still there. In fact, he is probably orchestrating circumstances so that I will look to him and tell him that I'm in over my head. He is just waiting for me to ask him to do things for me. He brings everything upon me to bring me to my face on his altar of surrender. He is ever there patiently waiting for the day that I stop playing tug-o-war and give each situation to him.
So here I am right now on the morning of my interview, and I want to do something I have never done before. Something that I am completely unable to do, but that I believe that Jesus wants me to do. I want to thank him for my life circumstances. I want to thank him for the years that I've stayed home with my children; there are so many memories that I will always cherish. I want to thank him for our financial situation. I have learned much about God's provision and faith. I want to thank him for allowing me to go back to work even though it is not in optimum circumstances in my life, he has a plan. And I want to surrender to him my future. I don't want to feel trapped any more by anything. It's such a silly emotion. I'm saved! I have Christ in me! In Christ is perfect liberty and freedom. I want to be able to give thanks in everything, and feel joy and freedom in everything. Chris said it was a choice - choose to complain and stay trapped, or choose to surrender and find freedom. I choose surrender.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

I'm so glad I got up this morning!!

I'm weeping as I write this. I was complaining last night about having no time to read the Bible... and that Jesus doesn't wake me up to read anymore... and that I could never get up regularly to an alarm clock... and now here I am wide awake. I woke up around 6:00? I was awake a few times before that but went back to sleep. I lay there for a while, but all I could think about was getting up to read my Bible. "Nah, I'm to tired," I thought. Then when I had myself about convinced that it really was Jesus that wanted me to get up and read and that I should probably listen, my next excuse was that I wouldn't know where to read at. Suddenly Colossians was strongly impressed upon me, but that could have been me, right? So I shrugged it off and tried to get back to sleep. The thought was insistent, so I was like ok then, but I'm having a real hard time reading lately, and my Pastor said that maybe I'd enjoy reading a paraphrase like the Message sometimes and I don't have on yet. I don't want to read this morning, I would maybe read that, but I can't so I have to go back to sleep. Then I have this strong thought that I could of course read the Message on the internet because everything is on the internet. I could even read Colossians in the Message on the internet. Excuse me? Is that you Jesus? It must be, because all I want to do is sleep, and it seems to me like you are explaining away all of my excuses and giving me direction all at the same time. So about 6:30 I dragged myself out of bed. I pulled up BibleGateway.com, finally figured out how to open up the Message, which I have never really read before other than brief passages in books or someone else reading me a quick example, and I began to read. I don't know if it was hearing something that I've heard over and over a different way (I've become almost deaf to it in the past?), I don't know if it was that it sounded as if Paul and Jesus were standing right here talking to me in 2008, I don't know if it was because it was the exact passage in the exact version (paraphrase ;0) ) that Jesus wanted me to read, but I began to weep. And it spoke to me about things that I've been dealing with. And it answered questions that I've had. And it was so beautiful.
I really felt that He was thankful for me! Somebody is singing praises of thanksgiving for me! I felt that when Paul wrote that, he was thinking of me, and beyond that Jesus was thinking of me. I feel so many times as if I don't matter. As if I could disappear from the world and no one would even notice. But someone is thankful to the point of spilling over for me!
Here's verse 9-12: "
Be assured that from the first day we heard of you, we haven't stopped praying for you, asking God to give you wise minds and spirits attuned to his will, and so acquire a thorough understanding of the ways in which God works. We pray that you'll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard. As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haulnot the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us."

To make the Master proud of me? That's what I long for! To not give up and quit? To have strength that endures? To not have that mindset of I'm just going to make it one more day, but I might not make it tomorrow? To actually have real Jesus joy and Jesus thankfulness and Jesus strength? To enjoy life? This would be to experience that life more abundant that Jesus talked about. This is what Paul wants for ME! This is what Jesus wants for ME! And he prays for me to have it! It is attainable... somehow. I want this.
Vs. 13-14:
God rescued us from dead-end alleys and dark dungeons. He's set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much, the Son who got us out of the pit we were in, got rid of the sins we were doomed to keep repeating.
With this depression, I feel like I am in a dead-end alley and a dark dungeon... but that's not where I am in Christ. This is a good reminder.
We look at this Son and see God's original purpose in everything created. For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels—everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him.
I may not know what it is now, but I have a purpose! He says I do! I feel purposeless, just as I feel I don't matter to people (worthless, I suppose). But Jesus says everything finds it's purpose in Him. Perhaps I have not searched in the correct places for my purpose?

So spacious is he, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross.


Here it is again... everything finds it's place in God, but even more so, everything that is broken gets fixed and put back together! Wow! That's me, alright! And even better than it was before...we get put back together into a beautiful song. If I look to him as the source of my purpose and my place He will fix my brokenness. He will rescue me from my darkness. He will place the strength and joy in my heart to serve him with out tiring... because it is he who gives me the song to sing for him! It is that song that gives him pride in me! I can't make him proud in and of myself, can I? wow... He does it all. He gives it all. It's almost more than I can comprehend in one morning.

And finally... Jesus says to me, "Don't give up!"
21-22
You yourselves are a case study of what he does. At one time you all had your backs turned to God, thinking rebellious thoughts of him, giving him trouble every chance you got. But now, by giving himself completely at the Cross, actually dying for you, Christ brought you over to God's side and put your lives together, whole and holy in his presence. You don't walk away from a gift like that! You stay grounded and steady in that bond of trust, constantly tuned in to the Message, careful not to be distracted or diverted.
So.... I'm glad that I got up this morning!

Monday, June 16, 2008

I don't want to fight

Make no bones about it, I'm depressed... utterly miserable, downward spiraling depression. This is nothing new to me, as I've been in an out of depression since I was a teenager, had pre-natal and post-partum depression, been in counseling and even been medically treated for it. But this is not supposed to happen now. Not this. I'm trying, really trying to grow spiritually... and this is so... I don't know... a battle that I thought I didn't have to fight any more? "Here Jesus, here's my life, so now why are these old problems coming back to the surface? I thought you had it handled. Can't you take care of it? Just blink it away? Because I sure don't want to deal with it. I didn't want to deal with it then, and I don't want to deal with it now." But apparently I have to deal with it in order to move forward, just like I had to seek restoration with that person a couple of weeks ago (which I did and I feel immensely better, by the way!!). Again the question comes to me, "Are you as surrendered to Jesus as you think you are?" Jesus wants me to face this problem head on... I want to sink back into denial. Jesus wants me to gain the victory through him. I want to wallow in self-pity. Jesus wants me to be all that I can be in Him. I want to be a little coward and run away from everything the only way I know how to. And the devil laughs at me... he laughs knowing that he has me right where he wants me as long as I believe each of the lies that he and his minions whisper in my ear... and I do believe them every night as I lie on my pillow. But in the morning I wake only to feelings of guilt for my failure to fight, for my failure to listen to Jesus. He is there in the morning ready to talk about it, and sometimes we do. Sometimes I reach for my Bible and I weep and ask forgiveness and we fellowship together. But never do we make a game plan for victory against that which plagues me most. (My own fear, denial, and stubbornness prevents this perhaps?) Once as I read my Bible I found a passage that told who I am in Christ... How He sees me. For that moment all else faded away. I forgot the lies of Satan. I forgot the words of others. I forgot the way I treat my own self. I wept as I saw in that instance who God saw. Who I really am. I'm a beautiful person. Why can't I always see that? In listening to the other voices, I push farther and farther away from that image until it's faded to barely a memory.... I don't want to fight this battle, nor do I want to helplessly give into it and watch it tear my family apart. I'm supposed to be a conqueror. I'm supposed to be a soldier. Why don't I feel like one? The issues have become bigger to me than life itself... they have become my life. Life is worth fighting for, but the issues that I have been fighting for perhaps (even now I am not willing to admit this) are not. The battle is for the mind, and I am losing hopelessly...
And yet I am encouraged... there is hope, even if I can not feel it. There is victory, even if I can not taste it. There is an end, even if I can not see it. I have been here before and come out on the other side. Perhaps not having dealt with the issues properly, but looking over the past 7 years I have grown, I have changed, and I have healed. There are things in my life that I am ready to face now that I would have never faced even 2 years ago. So, now I look at something that I've never looked at. It's gotten so big that it can't be ignored... I can't do this alone... I'm so glad I don't have to.