Jesus, have you been reading my blog??

Hmmm... this is an odd thing. After sorta shaking my fist at God, then apologizing, then explaining myself, then crying out to him, yet still leaving pretty much upset, He has begun to show himself everywhere. It's almost as if He actually paid attention to me. Huh. Like, He cares? Wow! I shouldn't be so floored, it's not as if I'm totally new at this whole Christian life thing. I've seen Him do some pretty amazing things. The thing is, that when you've spent so long asking and getting nothing, you start to feel a little cynical, you know? And then when it actually happens, there's this part of you (that fleshy part... Nyah ha ha) that says you must be imagining things. But then there is this other part (that New Creation part!! YAY!) that jumps for joy at sight of her beloved coming to her rescue! Sigh, "I knew you would be here... you are just in time!"

And he is just in time. When all hope is gone, he restores my hope. When strength is gone, he becomes my strength. When all joy is gone, he bubbles up inside of me once again. And it may be only for a few moments, but it's enough to get me to the next oasis in this desert of learning.

So, to give credit where credit is due (names excluded to protect the innocent!! ;0) )... this past week I have had two job offers (one of them FANTASTIC!), an interview at a place where I've been begging God to get me into (funny thing about that is, if they call me I'm not sure if I'll take the job!), we've been given $100 by some random person at church (If I knew who you were, I'd give you a big hug!!!), $500 from a friend, groceries from another friend (cupboards were bare! she rocks!), pull-ups and a few groceries from a relative, and the creme-de-la-creme was the friend who changed our oil, filled up our gas tank, and then changed our front brakes and rotors! (not that they are any more special than the friend who bought us groceries, just that that was something that we have needed done desperately!)

So, thanks to all of them... Wow! They may or may not have any idea how much that was needed, but I want them to know how much it meant spiritually. It's been dry and dusty. And they were Jesus to us. To me! I saw Jesus in them.

But as I said, credit where credit is due... Jesus, I'm in awe. You said, I'd find you if I sought you with all my heart, and that's one thing I haven't quit doing. And sure enough here you are. And you are doing big things. Well, big to me from the perspective I'm in at this moment. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Now if you wouldn't mind taking care of a few other things... ;0) I have a list. And since you are reading my blog anyway, check out my whole purpose/vision struggle. I've been asking you for vision for over a month now! Hint. Hint.

Have you forgotten us?

Seriously, God... I know that you are all-powerful, all-present, and all-knowing and everything, but where the heck are you? I mean that with all due respect... but come on. Things are tough. Things are hard. Things are worse than they've been in a long time. There's no visible way out. And it doesn't look like you are coming with the rescue squad anytime soon either. What's up? I really don't have much else to say except that if our help doesn't come from the Lord, we don't have any hope at all.... and if we don't have any hope what sets us apart from the unsaved people of the world? I'm asking, no begging you for direction, guidance, mercy, compassion, HELP! because you are the only one who can provide it. I'm asking you upon your very name and reputation. Please Lord. Where are you?

Just what are my spiritual gifts?

I am moving on in my search for where I fit in in this vast world that God created. My question of the hour is "Just what are my spiritual gifts?" I have often wondered this. Not only would God not create me with out a purpose (I am convinced of that now, whether I know just what it is or not), but he is unlikely to have left me utterly unequipped to accomplish said purpose. Now, if I could figure out what my spiritual gifts are, I think perhaps I'd be one step closer to finding my vision! Yes, that magical ethereal floating somewhere out there dream that I once had when I was a child....... (Cue the mystical music Mr. sound effect guy) According to PT, I have one. So last night we dragged in super late from our camping weekend, and I went straight to the computer to, that's right, take a spiritual gifts test. I was up awfully late.
Here is my score (25 is the highest score), and I shouldn't be that surprised by some of them...

25 - Writing
25 - Hospitality
25 - Music
25 - Discernment
21 - Leadership
14 - Administration
13 - Apostle
11 - Missionary
10 - Encouragement
10 - Faith
10 - Knowledge
9 - Wisdom
7 - Prophecy
6 - Mercy
6 - Exhortation
6 - Miracles
5 - Poverty (apparently I really like my stuff!)
5 - helps
4 - Pastoring (that works out good for me seeing that I'm a woman)
3 - Giving
2 - Healing
2 - Evangelism
2 - Craftsmanship
2 - Intercession
0 - Teaching, Celibacy (Chris will be glad to hear that), Tongues

So, I think that covers the bases (I know our particular denomination perhaps doesn't believe in all of these gifts, but this was the test I took)

What's funny about this is I have been told that I have all of the top 6 gifts by more than one person (my husband, Pastor, friends, etc) but I never realized that they were spiritual gifts. I guess I just had to see for myself. Missionary is higher up on the list, so I suppose I can't rule it out as an option for my future, seeing that some of the questions I answered negatively too were asking if God had called me to the mission field. I don't really no, so I put no. If he ever does that would change my answer and that score would move up from a 10 to who knows what.

So I'm left with writing and music... Should I write books, or be a singer? And where do hospitality and discernment fit in? I'm in charge of the hospitality at church (due to PT seeing that I had that gift earlier this year), but where does that fit in in my future? And discernment? So I know if someone is teaching false doctrine... what does that say about my ministry in the future? Leadership makes sense in whatever path I choose. I'm just a leader type. I'll be in charge, (NYA HA HAHAHAHAHAHA LOL ) and administrating in some small capacity all at the same time.

Ok... I'm still confused! *SIGH*

Jesus, I'd really like it if you would come down here and comment on my blog with some clear direction. "Rebecca, you will be a Christian artist." "Rebecca, you will be a Christian author." "Rebecca, you will be a missionary." "Rebecca, you will be a Pastor's wife." etc... something! anything! Just tell me!

The waiting is killing me...

How could I forget?

I told you there was an important flaw to my musings! The finite human brain. I just remembered a very important passion of mine. Music! Especially singing. I was very young (not sure how old) when I sang my first duet with my mom in church, and one of my favorite memories was of being in a Patch the Pirate play at either the church or school (they were so closely linked, my memories blur there too sometimes) and singing a duet with my Uncle Tim. He was Patch, and I was Pixie.
Oh, and that brings to mind another favorite thing... acting!! I began doing that very young as well. 1rst or 2nd grade? I was in school plays and church plays, Christmas plays and Easter plays. And if the acting involved a singing part, so much the better! I think this would have gone much farther had I been involved in a public school, or local theater. I was in Christian School, and then pulled out for homeschooling, so I didn't have many opportunities to develop my acting skills. I did think about going to Northland Baptist Bible College (even sent them my ACT scores) and majoring in music and acting. I loved their traveling music and acting groups.
I did learn to play the piano, however. I mostly taught myself for the sheer joy of it, but did have a few years of lessons in middle school (that I hated!) and one year of lessons at Mount Union College my Senior year in high school (that I loved!). Piano is fun, but singing is my joy. Years of baggage pile up, and I deal with depression now, but there was a time when I sang every minute of the day, and I'm not kidding. I still sing very often, and get caught doing it at the oddest times. People look at me funny when I'm out shopping!
I also enjoyed learned clarinet during middle school, but once again never did much with it because I was not in a school with a marching band. (Trying not to sound bitter, but I do have many regrets about my high school years.) Had the opportunity presented (or perhaps if it ever does?) I would have loved to learn violin, saxophone, french horn, and guitar. I do own a guitar now, and still wish to learn how to play it as well as the drums.
Most recently I have greatly desired to be a worship leader, and to even make a CD. I wish to take voice lessons, keyboard lessons, and guitar lessons so that I am much more rounded musically, and then pursue this. I hesitate now. I love being on the worship team at church. LOVE IT with a passion. But is it my purpose?
Ok... don't get me wrong. I don't want to sound like the Christian who is all whiny and wondering what God's will is for her life. (Ok, maybe I kinda am in a way)
It's kind of like this.
I asked God one day about two months ago about some of my current dreams.... Like being a PartyLite RVP, Being a Worship leader, writing a book, going back to college for cosmetology, law, or business school, or whatever else. How do I choose? Is there another option I don't know about? He replied something I already knew. "You are living in grace. As long as I am with you it is my will. Imagine you are standing in the middle of a field and there's forest on one side, ocean on the other, prairie in front of you and jungle paradise behind you. Turn any way you want and run as fast as you can and I will be with you."
So I know that the question is not the what, it is the whom. However, the key thing here is that when I choose what to run to, it's a whole lot better if it's something I really desire. And even better yet, if I'm abiding in Christ and He's abiding in me, it's very likely that what I desire is going to be what he desires for me, so that when I run it will be with reckless abandon, and with no glancing back and no regrets. Herein lies the problem. I don't know what to choose. I don't have purpose. I truly have no vision. I absolutely have no idea whether I prefer ocean to jungle, forest to prairie, or viseversa. I have no clue. Somewhere in my subconscious mind I may have an inkling, but I wouldn't be writing blog after blog about this subject if I knew.
What am I made for? What will bring Rebecca the greatest joy and fulfillment in the whole wide world when she finds it? What can Jesus and I run to with the certainty that we can stay there until death?

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta...." "I gotta..." "I gotta do something 'till I die!!"

Hmmm... Just what is that something? The song says "love one man 'till I die." That could be the obvious choice for me... my husband is a wonderful man, and many other wonderfully talented woman have chosen a man to be their entire purpose in life. I don't know though, it just doesn't seem like a wise choice. Having spent part of my life finding my fulfillment in marriage, and realizing that husbands do indeed fail you at times (Imagine!) I don't think that it would be a very good idea. Besides, I can only wonder what would happen if (not that I ever want to think about this...) my husband went home to Jesus and left me here. Then what would my purpose be? Would I lose all desire to live once again? I'd be back at the starting place, searching for a purpose, only by then I'd most likely have no desire to even try.

So what could my purpose be?

I've been trying to think back to when I was a child. What did I like? What did I love? What did I dream about? What made me happy? This is difficult for me to do, because all these memories are very mixed up with the things that other people said I liked/loved/wanted/found joy in, as well as the things they said I could not do that I then lost interest in. I know that it must be in there. Doesn't every kid have a dream?

The earliest thing that comes to mind for me is that I have always loved to read. I devoured every book I could get my hands on regardless of genre, and read well above my reading level. My earliest favorites were mysteries, including Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew in 1rst and 2nd grade. Then came my love for writing; first for poetry and journaling, then short stories and book reports, and finally even for research reports. More recently I have discovered the world of blogging, and I adore it! I have often wanted to write a book, I just never sat down and started one.

As a result of all of my reading, I had an extremely adventuristic spirit. I wanted to try everything. I wanted to be everything when I grew up! This becomes another smokescreen in determining my true heart as a child. Let's see... detective, airplane pilot, deep sea diver, owner of a palomino horse ranch in Montana, Australian Outback tour guide, cowgirl, Rich southern plantation owner, join the marines, archaeologist, lawyer, police officer, CEO of a major company, to name a few. Of course, this doesn't count the completely impossible fantasy/historical life careers either ;0) It's kinda hard to be a unicorn, faerie, dragon, Civil War Southern belle, Clipper Ship captain, Cleopatra, a Greek goddess, Renaissance lady, etc.

Along with the love of writing, I also found a love of history and science. History in part from reading historical fiction in part from school. History overlapped science in the field of archaeology and in the study of creation science. I loved it. I decided I wanted to go to college at the Institute for Creation Research. As we studied more and more I began to adore ocean life, and decided to go into marine biology instead, but still wanted to go to ICR and study creation science as well. I felt that every science field needed more of a creation influence. My parents were strongly against me going to ICR, and someone else said that marine biologists did more office work than field work. Being the people pleaser that I was, and the adventure seeker that I was, I began to look elsewhere. I found exactly what I was looking for in the study of anatomy. From that point on I wanted to be a doctor. It's all I focused on. I was not really encouraged into this field, other than by my science teacher and by my two grandfathers... one of them because he wanted me to take care of him when he got old, and the other because he said I could do anything that I set my mind to and he would support any decision I made. My parents again did not like my choice of college, but I did not have many Christian choices in choosing a secular career.

Now insert new complication... one summer at youth camp (7th grade?) I went forward to get saved, but the counselor convinced me that I already was (that was the year I should have gotten saved, rather than just a few years ago... she just wasn't thinking clearly or something). The following night was missionary night and I remember being under a ton of conviction and weeping to the song "Lord, Send Me Anywhere" I didn't know what it was, but I decided that since I was already saved I must be called to missions. From that point on I told everyone I was supposed to be a missionary... even to the point where in order to still be a doctor I decided to be a medical missionary. I really wanted to go to Africa, and later on to India.

This all confuses me very much, because I was very unsaved... but I truly did weep every time a missionary came to church. I really did want to go on missions trips, and I really was torn between being a doctor and being a missionary, to the point where I felt I had to make a choice between the two. I even had this weird vision thingie one year at camp meeting where I saw Indian faces all over the room looking at me and I was terrified and couldn't sleep. I thought it was God wanting me to go to India. Now I have no idea what it was about. Did I want to be a missionary because I was concerned for my own soul? Because I knew it was one thing that would make my parents and pastor happy? I have no idea.

Anyway, I sought a missionary husband. There was this guy I really liked, but I would only allow us to just be friends because he was called to be a church planter, not a missionary. Chris (my husband) and I had been friends for a while, and of course I knew that he planned on going to Ireland as a missionary, so naturally, when I married him, I figured that's what I would end up doing with my life.

We got married, found out I was faking being saved, then I got saved, we surrendered to be missionaries to Sri Lanka... but my heart wasn't in it. Why?

He was called to be a missionary. I wanted adventure. Mystery adventure, Romance adventure, History adventure, Science adventure. Meeting people kind of adventure. But what he was planning was real life ministry. When it didn't work out for us to go, I was secretly glad. I love that country, I love the people we met there. But I still don't know my purpose.

If I am indeed purposed by God to be a missionary, then I have not caught that vision since he has brought me into his family. If I should go to college and be a doctor after all this time, then that sure is complicated seeing as I have two small children to mother! Writing would be the easiest to accomplish...

Even now there is a flaw to these musings. I am likely to have completely missed the most important facts.

But here is the most important question. Even if I feel that I loved one of these the most, I cannot go forward with it. I cannot act upon it. Until God gives me the vision for my life. Until something strikes a chord deep within my innermost soul and the Spirit says, "Yes!" I cannot do anything at all but stay right where I am.

As of now, the song lyrics will have to be true of me...

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta love one man 'till I die"

And that man is Jesus. I man I can rely on and trust. A man who will never let me down. He will show me what I need to know in his time. I know he will, because I asked him too! I just need to focus on him, listen to him, wait on him... and can't help lovin' that man of mine!

Is it me, or is it you?

So here I am, going full speed ahead with my new career choice - Independent PartyLite Consultant - when I hit a speed bump. No... there aren't supposed to be obstacles in this business! Why? Because God told me to call Dawn (my leader the first time I started) and start booking parties. This is significant because two years ago I started with PartyLite because "I" wanted too. I was trying to make it work. I was trying to fix our financial situation, and I didn't consult God on it. This was one of my many mistakes before I finally surrendered to him, and needless to say it ended in utter failure. Honestly, I have wanted to try again for a while, but embarrassment and fear have held me back. Then a few months ago it got to the point where we really needed the income. I was not going to even consider PartyLite, but it kept coming up. Then one morning God woke me up and said, call Dawn and start PartyLite. So I talked to my husband and he was ok with it, and I immediately called Dawn.
The business that I knew was blessed by God took off so quickly. I had numerous bookings, lots of orders, and I hit bonus level sales in my first month. I was even asked to train at a meeting! Wow.
Here's where the speed bump comes in... this month I've had 5 cancellations, three of which were turned into small profit book shows, 1 never to be rescheduled, and 1 where the hostess just simply avoided my phone calls for two weeks. My sales this month are extremely low, and my calender is bare! Not for lack of trying of course, although this last bout with bronchitis slowed me down (losing my voice didn't help any!).
What's up with this? God started me down this path, and he knows how desperately we need this income. Why? My friend Shannon recently said that when something like losing a job/hard times come upon an unsaved person they just get angry, but when it happens to an saved person they start asking questions... Is it me? Am I in sin? Am I going the right direction? Am I in your will? Am I as surrendered to you as I think I am? What am I missing? Is it you God? Are you upset with me? Are you testing me? Are you trying to change my direction? What is going on????
That has been my question... is it me, or is it you? Search me O God and know my thoughts, try me and see if there be any wicked way in me... But if it's you, who can know the mind of God? I'm left in puzzlement, as I can't put my finger on anything...
But with Jabez, I beg God to bless me indeed!