Hope you enjoyed those blogs! :)

I had a lot of fun going through and reading those! I think the Bible studies were my favorite... haven't done a good one in a long time. :)

Myspace

Just moving some of my myspace blogs over here since I rarely get on myspace anymore. :) I'll put the original date at the top of each one

Jesus, have you been reading my blog??

Hmmm... this is an odd thing. After sorta shaking my fist at God, then apologizing, then explaining myself, then crying out to him, yet still leaving pretty much upset, He has begun to show himself everywhere. It's almost as if He actually paid attention to me. Huh. Like, He cares? Wow! I shouldn't be so floored, it's not as if I'm totally new at this whole Christian life thing. I've seen Him do some pretty amazing things. The thing is, that when you've spent so long asking and getting nothing, you start to feel a little cynical, you know? And then when it actually happens, there's this part of you (that fleshy part... Nyah ha ha) that says you must be imagining things. But then there is this other part (that New Creation part!! YAY!) that jumps for joy at sight of her beloved coming to her rescue! Sigh, "I knew you would be here... you are just in time!"

And he is just in time. When all hope is gone, he restores my hope. When strength is gone, he becomes my strength. When all joy is gone, he bubbles up inside of me once again. And it may be only for a few moments, but it's enough to get me to the next oasis in this desert of learning.

So, to give credit where credit is due (names excluded to protect the innocent!! ;0) )... this past week I have had two job offers (one of them FANTASTIC!), an interview at a place where I've been begging God to get me into (funny thing about that is, if they call me I'm not sure if I'll take the job!), we've been given $100 by some random person at church (If I knew who you were, I'd give you a big hug!!!), $500 from a friend, groceries from another friend (cupboards were bare! she rocks!), pull-ups and a few groceries from a relative, and the creme-de-la-creme was the friend who changed our oil, filled up our gas tank, and then changed our front brakes and rotors! (not that they are any more special than the friend who bought us groceries, just that that was something that we have needed done desperately!)

So, thanks to all of them... Wow! They may or may not have any idea how much that was needed, but I want them to know how much it meant spiritually. It's been dry and dusty. And they were Jesus to us. To me! I saw Jesus in them.

But as I said, credit where credit is due... Jesus, I'm in awe. You said, I'd find you if I sought you with all my heart, and that's one thing I haven't quit doing. And sure enough here you are. And you are doing big things. Well, big to me from the perspective I'm in at this moment. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Now if you wouldn't mind taking care of a few other things... ;0) I have a list. And since you are reading my blog anyway, check out my whole purpose/vision struggle. I've been asking you for vision for over a month now! Hint. Hint.

To write or not to write that is the question...

Chris really thinks I'm supposed to be a writer. He is fascinated by my blogs. Of course, he doesn't 'get' my poetry or my music at all, but he loves my blogs. He says I should write a Christian self help book from the view of a 25 year old girl. Could be fun! What's funny about that is that I have always dreamed about having my name on the cover of a book. Wait! Did I just say, "always dreamed??? Yes, that's right, it's something I've really wanted to do. I remember beginning to write my first novel in 7th grade, and bringing in my "manuscript" (oh, yes... I had big dreams of grandeur!) and reading it to the girls. I'd have sleepovers and they'd ask me to read my story. When we would get to the last sentence I had written they would beg me to write more before we went to sleep. Sadly, not only did I never finish that novel, but I no longer even have it. Why? I was afraid. It was not a Christian story, it was a romance novel. It wasn't smutty, but I was ashamed of it because I knew my parents would never approve of me writing anything but Christian fiction. I laid awake at night dreaming of pseudonym's for myself - my very own Mark Twain name - but even in that there was fear as I knew someone (my publisher!) would know who I was and it would eventually get out to my parents and I would be so busted!

I used to write a lot of poetry. This was private. No one ever had to read it unless I chose to let them. I did enter a poem in a contest once and got it published. That was one of the most exciting days in my life! I wanted to buy the book it was in, but my parents didn't share the same excitement I did... perhaps because they really didn't care about my poetry, or perhaps over the price tag of the book. Anyway, they never purchased the book, and I was pretty much crushed. If it wasn't important enough to them to own the tome that my name was printed in, then would it matter to anyone else? From that time one I never shared my poetry with anyone except my husband, who as I said doesn't 'get' it, (*SHRUG* What can I say? He's a guy.) and I rarely write it anymore unless it's a song. Even then I only sing the songs I write to my husband, which is also silly of me because he's not musical. I need to find a musical person to try them on. My fear there is that because my mom writes music everyone will compare me to her. I am so not her. I have a different style altogether. I do not want to be tried and found wanting. (Does anybody like criticism?)

I was also quite a story-teller back in a day. I have always had very long dreams at night that I remember in vast detail in the morning and when I was in school I would regale the other kids with these amazing adventures. They loved it. In fact, I'd have them so hooked on these dreams (that often went on and on for nights and nights. I used to have an ability to focus before sleep and cause myself to continue the same dream that night) that when the dream stopped I would have to make up an ending. They never believed that I was telling actual dreams, but I was. I often thought that I should have written them down (although they would have only been entertaining to a middle school audience!)

Then there was all the role-playing, and character imagining. I spent an entire week at youth conference one time being my imaginary self "Georgia Jakes" a southern belle who was in love with a civil war soldier named Lieutenant Anthony Allen Aimes. I used the accent and everything. I entertained the whole bus the whole way to Indiana and back. I loved to choose a character and become that person entirely - develop and entire life for them, mannerisms, friends, lifestyle, everything. I had so many 'alternate selves' I guess you could call them that I would just get lost in as I dreamed whole worlds around them. It was just like reading a book. I become the character that I most identify with in a story. In real life, I didn't like myself, so I created people that I wished to identify with. Sometimes I thought if I opened my eyes they would be standing right there... (ok, I'm no schizo!) Of course, now I have settled into who I am, but I have never lost the desire to create these amazing people and think about what they would be like if they were to really live.

My husband says this is kind of like my love for the game called the Sims. I was completely addicted to that game! I bought every expansion pack that came out. I literally spent hours upon hours playing it. Why? I loved creating people. I loved building communities. I loved choosing where they would live, what they would wear, where they would go, who they would love, if they would have children, etc. I actually had to take these games to the video game exchange place because I wasn't getting anything else accomplished in my life! I think Chris is right though... it is a clue.

Another clue is my love for so many careers. Perhaps I loved so many things, not because I wanted to be them all, but because I wanted to experience them all so that I could communicate them to others (via writing). I discovered my love for things from reading, so it makes sense that I would give it back through writing.

All that said, I'm not sure if writing is my thing or not, but I do love to write blogs, and it is one of my spiritual gifts according to the test I took on Sunday. Writing is something I can do regardless of what ministry we end up in.... I still have questions. :0) We will see.

I was born for this

Chapter 8 of the Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson is titled You Were Born for This. It has a few questions to go through to help to determine what your God-given dream/purpose is. So. What was I born for? After working through the questions, I'm still not certain, but in the spirit of keeping everything written down in one place for review at my leisure (you never know when something will just pop out at me one day and scream "DUH! How didn't you get this when you wrote it down!!!"), I will put all of the answers here in my blog.

1. "Think back to what you wanted to to while you were growing up. Don't settle for just the job description - a fireman, or movie star, or president. Think about what those roles meant to you then, and what they can reveal about your real interests and motivations now."

Hmm... I've already begun down this road a bit, but never with the question 'why did I want this career?' I would say curiosity, adventure, discovering something new, being the first to do something, and travel. As a marine biologist it was to discover new species of fish, and as an archaeologist it was to uncover lost civilizations. As a doctor it was to find the cure for cancer, or lupus, or some other disease. As a missionary or MAF pilot it was to discover lost tribes and learn unknown languages - to be the first to write their languages down, the first to give them a written passage of Scripture in their tongue. As a journalist it was to be a world traveler, to investigate everything, or as a novelist to learn about each subject everything that I could know even to the point of traveling there to see it myself. As a musician to travel and sing to crowds I didn't know, and as an actor to travel, and learn about time periods, people and places. There were also specific places that I just wanted to go to, and whole careers centered around that place. (such as Australian outback tour guide)

2. "Interview three people you respect, who you think are living their Dream. Ask them to share with you why they think you were put on this earth."

I really don't know many people who are living their dreams. I still have to properly respond to this question. I'll get back to you! I've asked a few people who aren't, and their responses range as follows: You are supposed to be a mother, you are supposed to be a missionary, you are supposed to be in sales somehow because you are good at convincing people, and you should be a writer.

3. "If Someone came along and gave you all the money you ever wanted, what would you do with it?"

I'd pay off our debts, buy a car, go to college for something (??? I'd start with general studies, and at least take physics and calculus, cuz I beat myself over the head all the time for not taking them my senior year) at which point I'd hopefully find direction for a major. I'd take voice lessons, keyboard/piano lessons, and guitar lessons, and probably classes in writing music (I'm very shy about the music I've written... I think a writing class would make me more confidant in sharing it with others). Perhaps I would record a CD at this point? I've thought about doing so. I would definitely travel (that Mediterranean cruise would be great!) to all the places that I've always wanted to go, all the places I've read about in books that I've never seen in person. (Don't worry, I'd write and tell you all about it!)

Bruce says that this is probably my dream. (minus the debt paying off, as this is just relieving the stress of life) I'm not convinced though.

4. What have I always been good at?

Reading, Communicating (talking, writing, etc), Music (singing, learning instruments), Cooking, learning (straight A student, and I LOVED school, and reading dictionaries, encyclopedias, medical journals, anything factual, as well as novels based in real life such as historical fiction), acting, story telling, people skills, sales/convincing others

5. What needs do I care about most?

Mine! ;0) Umm... I'd have to say the people at church growing closer in the Lord in worship. I have loved watching the church change from a church that sings songs in a "BLAH BLAH BLAH" fashion, to a church who praises God with passion. It makes me utterly happy!

6. Who do I admire most?

Uncle Tim because he conveys truth in a way that people can apply easily to their life.
Chris because his passion for Jesus is 'catchy!' I caught it from him
Aunt Sandy because she is a doer. She also has the gift of hospitality, and she knows how to use it. There's not a lazy bone in her body. I love her energy.

I used to have a ton of larger than life heroes, and I suppose, if I dig down deep I still admire them... I loved guys like David Livingston (My whole reason for wanting to go to Zambia!), C.T.Studd (one of my favorite quotes!), David Brainerd, George Mueller, and women like Amy Carmichael and Gladys Aylward. (the last three all because or the works they did with orphans.)
All of these were missionaries. All were great men. I wanted to be just like them. I actually did want to have an orphanage some day. I'd forgotten all about that!

7. What makes me feel most fulfilled?

Doing anything at the church. Currently it's worship team/band, but being in Sunday School is fulfilling to me, painting the church, church activities, talking to church people. It's all good!

8. What do I love to do the most?

Sing, play keyboard, and write blogs

9. What have I felt called to do?

I once felt called to be a worship leader, but I don't know if that was Jesus, or me just loving music so much.

10. Ask yourself what legacy you would like to leave for your children and grandchildren?

I don't really know. I've never thought about this before. I guess it's time to do some thinking.