Loved with an amazing love

In constant flux.. ever changing, growing, becoming, discovering. Fearless! Yet filled with trepidation. Anticipating! Yet hanging back in the shadows doubting... The voices in my head fighting for attention, "Go this way and that way!", pointing their fingers and shaking them when they disapprove. Smiling and nodding when they are proud. And then there is Your voice and it is STUNNING. I am locked in your gaze. I can't believe your words, or can I? They come when I most need them as you say that I am PERFECT and beautiful. And exactly as you DESIRE me to be. You breathe the words in a way that I cannot deny them even if I try.... fear fades away. The doubt fades away. In those moments I am as one chained, enslaved to you, your words mean all and all others pale in comparison. I am loved and that is all that matters! Then glancing at my feet I realize I am still as free as I always was. One look into your loving eyes confirms it. WOW. What is a girl to do when lavished with such love and trust? Fly, that's what! Fly back out and conquer it all with his words propelling me onward!

Jaded, Doubting, Uncertain... Yet He is there

And He SHINES on me. He warms me. He awes me. The tears come to my eyes and I try to hold them back.. I won't weep, I refuse to weep when I am this angry, this hurt, this betrayed. And yet... He is there. He is patient. Ever reminding me in little ways and big ways of his ardent passion for me. He has never left me. He never abandoned me. It is me who is turning my head away from his romantic melody. I am the doubter, he is the wooer. And he never gives up. How can I not melt when he is this amazing in his romance? How can I not forgive him for something he never even did to me... I am holding a grudge against an innocent lover... because I don't fully understand him. He says he wants me to have the most marvelous, amazing, happy, joyful and wonderful life and here I am wanting instant proof of that life and railing against him at the slightest sign of a storm. And yet... it is the moments with him that are the most marvelous, amazing, happy, joyful and wonderful. I am ruined for anyone else. I cannot be happy anywhere else but with him, in his arms.



Thank you Steve McVey for posting this song today because it struck a chord with all that I have been struggling with in my walk.

Jesus first? Spouse First? Struggle?

I recently had a friend ask me about the struggles I have found as a Christian within marriage in regards to maintaining my fellowship with God. Here is my reply:

I haven't found a challenge with that at all. :) I think that the reason many marriages struggle with maintaining a good balance between fellowship with God and their relationship with each other is because they are trying so hard to 'keep God number one'
I have found that it is impossible to keep God number one, and love my husband fully... therefore, I surrendered everything I am to Christ. All of me. As I did that my capacity to love my husband and my children grew by leaps and bounds!! And my fellowship with God, rather than being a struggle to maintain (as in finding time for Bible reading and prayer in the midst of all the daily issues) became a relationship that flowed naturally 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
It is easy to be a Christian and be married if you are surrendered 100% to Christ and filled with his love. :)

Marriage thoughts from last night. :)

The law is a minister of death! Marriage feels like 'a ball and chain' to so many people, and I don't think that is what God meant at all. The same freedom we have in Christ should be found in our marriages! Sadly, people get so caught up in towing the lines of submission, and holiness that they miss the whole point of marriage - to mirror the relationship with Jesus.
____________________________________________________________________________________________

I think there is a difference between being lonely and desiring human companionship and finding complete and utter fulfillment in another human being. I've been there... Finding my utter fulfillment in my boyfriend, fiancee and then eventually my husband... It doesn't work out so well! At the same time, I am completely ... See Moreunable to 'keep Jesus first!' It is completely natural for a person to wholy love another person, and not be able to keep God in that first place. We can't do it! It's IMPOSSIBLE!

Only when I surrendered my all to Christ did all that fall into place... and you know what's funny? I didn't realize when it happened. LOL I just realized one day that Jesus filled up all of my heart so much I couldn't stand it! And it wasn't like, the whole "I love Jesus first, and then I have a little room left over for my husband, then a little bit for my kids..." It was that in loving Christ with my whole heart, I had MORE room for everyone else! I actually loved my husband more and found MORE fulfillment in him. And MORE enjoyment sexually, etc. :) There is nothing wrong with that. God created us as sexual, companionable beings!

Accepted?

People often ask me about my tattoos/piercings, so I decided to give the stories behind them all here on my blog. In order to do that I have to back WAY up to just before I surrendered my everything to Christ in me. My journey into the grace walk was not an easy one by any means! Having posted much on this before I won't go into the whole story again, but I have more to add.

I was terrified to yield to Christ. Absolutely terrified. Before I got saved I was afraid to become a hypocrite. I was afraid to be pressed into the particular Baptist mold that I had witnessed all my life. Then on the brink of abandoning my all to Jesus, I was afraid that once he had me he would throw me away. I couldn't possibly believe that he could accept all of me exactly how I was. How could he? I was hopelessly flawed. Yeah, yeah... I'd read all the stuff Andrew Murray, A.W.Tozer, Steve McVey, and Watchman Nee had written on being dead and God no longer seeing that stuff. And I knew the book of Romans inside and out: there's no condemnation in Christ, he sees me just as though I've never sinned, I'm accepted in the beloved, he'll never leave me nor forsake me, etc. I wasn't convinced. Sure, he saved me and that was pretty fantastic! But wasn't he kind of under contract for that? He died on the cross for redemption, and salvation was offered freely to all who would believe. It was a given. Acceptance however? That was another ballgame altogether. He just couldn't love me when it was all said and done. I envisioned it all too frequently... God would beckon me to come to him and place my life in his hands and I would do so with many tears. He would than laugh maniacally and say something along the lines of, "I've got you where I want you!" This never ended well - there was a lot of crushing and bruising involved.

I had an idea. Maybe not my brightest idea ever, but in my mind I had to formulate a test. I had always wanted to get my belly button pierced for as long as I could remember (super cute!!!) and had even asked Chris if I could many times. If I got a piercing God could either choose to abandon me or accept me anyway. He could either heap loads of guilt on me or shower me with love. I knew people who would never talk to me again if they knew about it, and the question in my mind was, "Is God like that?" So that's exactly what I did. I went out and got it pierced. Strange, I didn't feel different afterwards... In fact, I felt very free in a good way.

Two days passed and the axe didn't fall. I felt the wooing of the Spirit leading me to fall into his arms, and for once I thought maybe I believed him. If you have read my blog you know the rest of the story, for that is the night I knelt on my living room floor and did just that: I entrusted all that I was, all that I had, all that I would be, everything to Him. It's funny... it was so effortless. All those months of fighting it, and it was one of the easiest things I've ever done. You see, surrender is not something you "DO," It's something HE does. I simply laid down yielding to him, and he filled me up. That's it. I felt acceptance! I felt love!

So that's it in a nutshell. My belly piercing was nothing more than a fleece to see if God truly accepted me or if he could only accept me based on who I was. My silly attempt to figure out God! Apparently God didn't care one way or the other, all he wanted was for me to enjoy the perfect union he purchased for me on the cross as fully as was possible. Salvation was far more than the gift of life. It was the gift of LIFE in me! Christ in me! He desired a relationship with me! Wow.

Inablility

September 10, 2007
From time to time in my life I am overwhelmed with the sense of how small I really am. How weak I really am. How unworthy I really am. This is one of those times. In fact it is so great of a feeling that even looking at "I" makes me feel like more than I deserve. It would be more appropriate to change that big "I" to a small "i" as truly that is where i belong. Faced with what God may have in store for my future i cannot imagine why He would even think of me. i can't even begin to describe how i feel about that. To think that He would want me to serve Him in any capacity puts me in awe... and then reminds me of how truly unable i am to do any of it! Simply put: i can't do it. i am not able to serve Him. i am not capable of being His chosen vessel in any area of life. i'm just a girl, just a mother, just a wife... why does He look at me? So many times i mess up in my day to day life and cry out to Him to fix it... beg Him to live my day through me to prevent anymore crazy mistakes. He knows i can't do anything. He knows i've barely started my journey with Him. But OH! How i love Him! My eyes fill with tears thinking of all He is to me... all He's done for me. He's more than i ever dreamed. More than i ever could possibly hope for. More than i deserve. And He chose me! And here He is again whispering to me that He has a plan for my life... i can't deny it. Whether in the immediate future, or a few years from now, He wants to use me! He wants to use this vessel! i can't say i am not excited at the thought, but i'm terrified as well; for the truth is, without Him, i'm nothing at all.
Once again i'm at that altar of God emptied out of all i am... all my failures, all my mistakes. Wait. Even my accomplishments and my talents must be placed at His feet for in my hands they become tainted with my pride and selfishness. All that i am.

Here they are Lord. Here i am. All i need is you! Fill me with Yourself. For it is only then that i can be used of you. A vessel to honour. No treasure of myself, all the treasure is You. Maybe that's why You chose me...? A yielded heart, a humble spirit? i do not know Lord, but your will be done!

My testimony

August 17, 2007
During my early teenage years I doubted my salvation. I only went through the outward motions of Christianity, but I had no desire to have anything personal with God. When I was asked to give my testimony, I had to ask my mom for all the details. My own memories were very faint, and I had no peace inside that I was saved. But I ignored those feelings because everyone else was so certain that I was, and I didn't want to seem silly. One time I went forward at youth camp to talk about getting saved, but my counselor spent the whole time convincing me I already was, so I figured it was useless to say anything to anyone else.

I met my future husband Chris at church. We were friends for several years, and that friendship grew into love. By this time had I been honest with myself I knew that I wasn't saved, but it was much easier to go on as if I was. When the Pastor asked me how sure I was that Chris was the one for me I told him "As sure as I know that I'm saved," And I knew it was a lie. We were married on September 15, 2001. The longer we were married, the more I doubted that I was truly saved. It bothered me that Chris really enjoyed all the "Christian stuff." He read his Bible all the time, prayed all the time, and really, genuinely walked with God. I didn't have any of that, and didn't want any of that. It was enough for me that I knew the facts of the Bible front to back, that I went to church all the time, and that I was a good person. I became very angry at him for spending so much time doing things that I didn't want to do. When I was at church I would always try to slip out during the invitation because I hated the feelings that I would get. The pastor would ask if anyone needed to be saved and I would stand there gripping my hands together to keep from raising them all the while saying to myself, "You were saved when you were four, you don't need to do it again." And so many times I would hear the words, "I don't want to end this invitation, we will sing one more verse because I feel there is one person here who needs to come forward to be saved." And I would think to myself, "I know that it is me, but I can't do it." The longer I was around my husband, the more certain I became that I was not saved. But I never told him or anyone else for fear of what they might think of me. I started to think up as many excuses as possible to miss church, and always left the room when Chris spent time with God.

In May of 2002 we attended Camp Meeting at Fellowship Baptist Church and heard Terry Unruh preach about Sri Lanka, and how he needed help passing out ten and a half million tracts. We volunteered to go. I was very excited because I was finally going to get the missionary adventure I had always wanted. Meanwhile I reassured myself all the time that I had to be saved because of all the times God had answered my prayers and done things for me, and because my mom said that I prayed when I was four. I pretty much convinced myself that I was okay. In fact, I even looked for proofs of salvation. When I would lead someone to the Lord I would get all excited and then say, "I must be saved because I am happy when someone else gets saved," not realizing that I was just happy because I was being a 'good Christian.'

On Sunday night, March 3, 2003 at church I went forward during the invitation. I told God that I was tired of the way I had been feeling and that He needed to leave me alone. I then said that I didn't know for sure what it was He wanted but the answer was definitely NO. On the way home I was terrified, and told Chris that I had to get home so I would be safe because I was afraid that God was going to kill me. I actually thought I would be safe in my own house! Chris asked me why, and I told him what I had been going through. We talked for a very long time most of which was me giving excuses such as how I didn't want to be one of the hypocrites I grew up around, I was afraid that I was going be forced to be just like my parents (that's a story all in itself), God had been so good to me, I had led people to the Lord, I had had prayers answered, and my mom said I had prayed when I was four. Of course his answers were that none of those were good reasons to go to hell, but still I resisted. Then he asked if Jesus was in my heart. I had no idea how to answer that question. So he asked me if we were married, and of course, I said we were. Then he asked if I had to think back to our wedding day, which I hadn't; I knew right then. The last question he asked was if Jesus was in my heart right then. I answered that I didn't know, and started to cry. I knew then what I needed to do but I was still scared to do it so I asked to pray after him. He started out with "Dear Jesus, this is Becky, I know I'm saved," and I couldn't say it, I just cried more. Then he said "Dear Jesus, this is Becky, I'm not sure if I'm saved," and I couldn't even say that. Finally he said "Dear Jesus, this is Becky, I'm not saved," and I felt this intense inner struggle. I knew that I had to say those words. I prayed with him, and then sent him out and prayed again by myself because I wanted to know for sure that it was the real thing.

Just a few weeks later we went to Sri Lanka. It was a life-changing experience for me. Missions became more than adventure; it was giving other people a chance to be saved just like I was. I was baptized a few weeks after our trip at Bethel Baptist Church in Ravenna.

God gave me the verse Romans 2:4 about a month after I was saved, showing me that all of the things I thought were proofs of salvation were the things that He did to lead me to salvation! Praise God for His goodness that leads to repentance!

Adendum:

What's interesting in all this is since then Becky has died! I no longer live, but Christ! And also I've changed so much as a person.... Becky really no longer exists! I'm Rebecca or Becca now. And it's so funny as I look back over all my fears... all the excuses that I had... none of them were real. And as I think about that time I remember how intense that struggle was. How real Satan was as he whispered in my ear trying to keep me from making the most important choice of my life. And Jesus is HERE! With me! I know that He is here... and I haven't doubted for one moment since that day. I can't describe it to you... but once you have Him, you KNOW! And I've learned that Jesus doesn't desire cookie cutters. He made each of us the way we are; unique, individual, with a purpose! His purpose! Only I can do what He wants of me. That verse in Scripture about the unsaved being Spiritually blind is so true... because on the other side it becomes so clear. And you just marvel at what God has done! I know I do.

"You are a marvelous God and I am so in love with you!"

Worship

April 13, 2007
Worship... The central focus of the Christian life... (Not to be confused with love being the central docrine although the two flow hand in hand in unity.) But do we truly worship? I remember the days of standing in church singing the words to all the hymns by heart, but was my heart involved? Who was I really singing for? Why was I singing? Where were my thoughts? I can honestly say that I know none of those answers had anything to do with our Saviour. And what about the remainder of the week? I read my Bible, I prayed... because it was required of me. Was there any thought to the maker of the universe... the Redeemer of my soul? No. This was not worship, this was going through the motions of Christianity. Worship Him in spirit and in truth. I did neither. How many of us live our lives this way? And then one day I realized just how much Christ really had done for me. I realized that he offered more for me than the bondage of routine and requirements. He wanted to give me freedom and liberty and joy in Him! No, He already had given those things to me, I was just living as if He hadn't. I realized that all He wanted was for me to surrender my life to His control so that I could enjoy my life to it's fullest! Abundant life! He really did have my best interests in mind. THEN I began to understand worship, for I was beginning to KNOW the One I was to be worshiping. He is everything to me... my very existence. He deserves all the praise, all the glory and all the honour. He alone is worthy of the all the passion our hearts can pour out in our most exuberant moments. It belongs to Him. Not just on Sunday... but on everyday of the week! I can't stop myself anymore... nope... just can't. I love to praise my Saviour Jesus Christ! It takes a darkest day and turns it to brightest joy. It takes the worst of circumstances and gives the peace to get through them... for worship is communion with Christ Himself... He actually talks back! And through that our soul is restored to fullness of joy and peace and love so that we are walking in Christ, abiding in Christ as the New Testament shows. The most blessed of moments are in your alone times with Christ when you are worshipping Him freely and He communes with you so that He just reaches out and touches you... When His presence in the room is so strong that you can't deny His reality, His almost tangibility. That is worship. That is communion. I pray that you all grow to a point in your lives where you can say that you have experienced such a time and that you experience it regularly.

Lift Him Higher

February 16, 2007

I just can't stop thinking about the sermon last Sunday... Jesus starts out in Matthew Mark Luke and John proclaiming himself as I Am (the vine, the good shephard, the bread of life, the way the truth and the life) and then as we grow in Christ and get to the book of Colossians we get the opportunity to lift Him up as He is: I Am! I AM!! And He lives in me! And we are as united as we can be without me becoming him.... and him becoming me... I am flesh of his flesh as the bride becomes one with the groom and as the branch is joined to the vine. How blessed am I to be able to praise him and lift him higher... He is holy, Almighty, Worthy, Beloved, Beautiful... My heart overflows with joy and emotion as I think of the things he has done in my life. Can we not be glad for that? Rejoice!! Sing in the streets! Oh! He has done great things in my life, has he done great things in yours?? Do you not want to shout it to the rooftops? I am accepted in the beloved, should I not tell everyone of this love that is offered to me freely? So I cried as it was preached "Lift him up" and a good friend shouted "I Am! I Am!!" For my hearts desire was only to do just that... and that every one else would do so as well... every tongue confess that He is Lord.

I could just go on........ Literally but it would be so broken and disjointed because we have left simple blogging and entered into the realm of my prayer life so I will leave you all to ponder and I will continue praising God alone. Until next time, LIFT HIM HIGHER AND HIGHER AND HIGHER! He can't be praised enough, for our mouths can't even phrase his glory.

The Love of Jesus

April 2, 2009

Romans 8:31-39 The Message

So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If
God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our
condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is
there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who
would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who
would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was
raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment
sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a
wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not
trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not
bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in
Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that
nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow,
high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get
between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has
embraced us.

Being in a dry place

Passion! Fire! Excitement! Joy! Oh, what splendors at the master's feet! How thrilling to be soaking up new and wondrous things every time you turn around! Abandoned in worship, fulfilled in love, steeped in desire for your Saviour, every day is a brand new chance to fall in love deeper and know him more fully. There are constantly chances to pour out on others around you, to minister Christ!

Let it never end!

Sigh.

Then it does.

Does it have to? Should it? Is there something wrong with me? What's going on? Why did this happen? When did it change? When will it be like it was again? Is there sin in my life? Did Jesus leave me? Did I leave him? On and on the questions come to mind, the frustration, the hurt, the longing to go back...

So here I am once again in this dry desert place...

And I'm asking these questions once again...

And the answer comes to me! I have new things to learn that I've never learned before. Things I've never needed to know before. I have learned of the marvelous grace of Jesus, I have learned to bask in his precious love. I have learned to minister to others in worship in such a way that they are drawn to have what I have. I have learned to walk in such joy that even in sorrow and depression there is a song in my heart... a melody of praise to Jesus! I have been in a place where these truths were easy to obtain, where others were there to help spark my excitement. I have had little need of getting alone with God and searching for his face as he was so quickly revealed to me at any moment; so accessible like the very fingers on my hands.

Now we have moved away from my wonderful church family... away from that atmosphere where the Spirit so easily spoke with me. Away from the people I loved so dearly that I begged to know God better in order to lead them closer to Him...

Here I am just another person in the pew. Here I sit alone, no ministry of my own, and insignificant number among thousands. Here I look around at the faces of people who do not know how to worship, who do not know God... and I am saddened. Saddened because they cannot help lead me into that place of abandon to Jesus, and saddened because I cannot help them either. I'm hearing the same old same old stuff that I already know, no new tidbits to ponder, no deep truths to excite me. (ok, not entirely true... there have been some cool things, just not weekly like it used to be) I seem to have forgotten some of the things that were so real to me just months ago... something is lost, missing... but what?

And God whispers to me... 'learn to walk in the Spirit on your own... you won't always have others around you to encourage you in the Lord. You won't always have a ministry to plug into that causes you to desire me more. Sometimes you must bury yourself in my word, search for me with all your heart, yield yourself to a new chapter in our relationship... there is more to be had than you realize!'

Alone. Me and Jesus. Jesus and me. Alone together. No one else. A love that gets better with time, grows deeper the more that I know him. So it feels dry and dusty right now... doesn't mean I can't go into my own worship session at home. Doesn't mean I can't dig deeper into the word to learn something new. The truths of my Saviour can never be exhausted!! I was in a wonderful, passionate and intimate love relationship with him, and now I have entered a time of deepening friendship, of greater knowing of who he is. And from personal experience with my marriage, that can only lead to deeper passion and desire! If deeper friendship with my earthly husband leads to better romance, how much more getting to know my heavenly betrothed!! He is nothing but perfection!

So, this is not a cruel punishment from God, he's still with me like always! In fact in many ways it's the best thing to happen for me! What an opportunity to get to know Jesus better! It's time for me to realize that everything I need is right here inside of me right now in the form of the Spirit of God and that even if church gets utterly boring there is no boredom in Him! Even if I have no friends or family near by to talk about what Jesus is doing, I can talk to Him at any moment. He will never leave me or forsake me! Never never!! And even if there is no church ministry outlet for my overflowing cup, there is still the whole world!

Doing something about it....

So, I have established that I have a dream. I've figured out what my purpose is in life, what my vision is... etc. I've even set a few goals for myself... But I'm still sitting here stagnating.

Where's the fire under my butt?!?!

Okay, technically I'm not stagnating... I'm fulfilling the most important obligation I've been given. I used to hate being a mother. I used to hate that I was 'stuck' at home wiping noses and changing diapers, doing laundry and washing dishes. Oh, the mundane and boring daily routines! Oh, the thankless, endless chores! Was this really all I was? Was dowdy housewife all that defined me?

How I fought it. How I despised it. How I BEGGED God to change my life. I wished that Chris and I could trade places. He's much more nurturing and would make a great stay-at-home dad, and I'm more goal oriented and would make a great office manager.

I was completely unwilling to be thankful for my situation. Don't get me wrong. I loved my kids to pieces, I was just completely overwhelmed by the job. I felt that I'd made a terrible mistake for having children before I had made a life for myself; before I'd experienced anything. Why, oh why did I have kids so young? I beat myself up for it. I took care of the kids out of duty. I was depressed. Suicidal even. I had soo many dreams, and now they were all lost forever buried in a pile of dirty laundry. Sigh

Then one day something changed. I'm not sure exactly at what moment, but my heart was filled with love and happiness and thankfulness that couldn't be described. I found out I was expecting Meagan (I knew it was a girl from conception! They just confirmed what I already knew at the ultrasound) and I was ecstatic! To this day I feel like weeping when I think about her. She changed me. She changed everything I thought about parenthood. I realized a profound truth: my children were a gift from God to cherish and love, not a duty to perform and take care of.

WOW! What a difference that made in me! What renewed love for my boys! With this came a desire to get to know them, to spend time with them, to do for them. I didn't experience a moment of depression with Megs, because I didn't resent her in any way as I did the boys. In fact, I no longer resent the boys! They are my precious gifts to lavish the love of Jesus on. They are my little blank slates to begin writing futures on! They are my life, if not my dreams. I'm full to bursting when I think of them! For the first time I understand what people mean when they say that children compete with their spouses for a place in their hearts... although Chris will always take first after my Saviour!!

The second thing I learned is that motherhood does not define me, it is simply a part of what I do. I am more than just a mom! I am a child of God with purpose beyond 20+ years of child raising. There will still be life after they are gone...

And so, I realize that I must make small steps to reach my dreams even while mothering my kids. I can make little steps here and there that will prepare me for life after kids. No empty nest syndrome here, there's a whole lifetime ahead!!

This said, I embark on my new one year plan to draw me closer to the career of my choice... MUSIC!

I've been looking at the waves for too long...

It's funny just how quickly I can spiral to the lowest of lows in mood. God can be so good to me one day, and I can be so thankful... then I feel kinda lost and alone again wondering just where God is. Why is it that some days he just seems more real, more good, more present, more ALIVE... and then other days he seems distant and uncaring, almost as if he's playing a game of hide and seek with me. Is he playing games?

Obviously God is still here, as he promised to never leave, certainly Jesus is still abiding in me, and of course I still have the Holy Spirit just as always. So what is different from one day to the next?

I am reminded of Peter as he bravely, trustingly stepped out of the boat into the raging stormy sea, eyes only on Jesus. Wow. What a peak in this man's walk with Christ! He was not only witnessing a miracle, but actually taking part in it! But something happened. Peter began to sink. What was going on? Had Jesus disappeared? Had Jesus lost his power? Had Jesus decided to let him step out, only to let him die? I'm sure many things went through Peter's mind at the time. I'd have been wondering what in the world I was doing stepping out of the boat in the first place! How foolish! But Jesus hadn't changed. Peter had changed. He went from being full of faith to full of fear. He looked about him and began to focus on the 'real' situation: he had stepped out of the safety of the boat and was in the middle of the giant waves of a storm! Of course, we know that he cried out to Jesus and Jesus rescued him, but what really happened here? Peter focused on the wrong reality. The big 'R' reality for Peter was that Jesus told him he could step out. Jesus was all that was keeping him up, and all that mattered was faith.

This is me all over! God has this absolutely amazing Reality for me. It's beyond my wildest dreams. All I have to do to obtain that Reality is focus on him. Keep my eyes on the Master of the storm. But what do I do? I look all around me. I worry. I panic. I get frustrated. I get angry. I become afraid. I pretty much freak out! It would be so easy for me to just live there all the time. It's like second nature for me. Then starts the nasty spiral of depression and anxiety. Of course, I excuse it away because I'm just being realistic. There's a bunch of bad stuff going on in my life, and nobody is going to fix it but me. I have to deal with it. I have to figure it out.

This is a vicious cycle! I can't fix it. I can't figure it out. These are circumstances that God has allowed to surround me as I walk toward him. Who has the power to stop the storm? Me? Or Christ? It's kinda like he's testing me to see where I'm going to look at. I think I fail more than I succeed. But then Christ reaches out for me. He never lets me drown. I sure think I'm going to, but he doesn't let it happen. He calms the storm, even if only for a few moments, and reminds me who is in control. He tells me that it's going to be alright. He catches me in his sweet gaze and says that I am blessed, loved, protected, everything that I need to hear. In those moments I feel as if my heart would burst into a thousand pieces. How can I ever look away from him again? This one who loves me like that deserves far better than what I give him.

Better Is One Day

Better is one day in your courts, better is one day in your house. Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere.

That song hit me hard on Sunday. Here I am stressing about all of this stuff on purpose, and I was singing about the one thing that truly makes me happy. If church was everyday, I'd be there everyday. I know the song is specifically singing specifically about spending time in Jesus' presence, but all I could think about was how much joy is found at church. How strong his presence is there. How free I am to worship there. How many friends I have there. How many lives are changing for the better there. The growth. The fellowship. The love. Jesus. The Spirit of God. The unity. The family. The teaching. I could go on and on. Best of all, I love how I've grown personally, how people care about me, and how I have ministries that I am involved in that touch other people. I help people to worship every week! I have watched a church grow in worship over the last few years, and although it should in no way be credited to me (Glory to Jesus and His Holy Spirit, and what an amazing worship team and band we have!!), I have had a part in it! It is an awesome feeling. And I get to make the missionaries feel super special when they come in. That is a real treat! I love it. Really, everything else could just go away, and I'd stay there in those moments forever.

Chris says this is another sign that I'm called to ministry. *SHRUG*

I'm going to start working at ElderBeerman. I got the job! I know I'll like it... I've been looking forward to it so much. I'm just not certain that it will give me the same joy and fulfillment... Will I be satisfied there? Do I want to be satisfied there? Don't get me wrong, I will give them my all, 100%! It's what I do! I love clothes, I love retail, and I love ElderBeerman! But if I'm truly made for something else, I'm just afraid that I'll still feel like something is missing...

Perhaps a little unfair...

Upon reflection, I was perhaps a little unfair to you, Lord. You have been present in our lives... just not in the miraculously huge way that I feel that we really need. There was that awesome gift we received on Sunday that I didn't even thank you for, and I apologize. You do show in little things along the way that you are here. In fact, funny thing is, you have been more present in some ways than you have been in a long time. What ways? Oh, like waking me up in the morning to spend time with you, like speaking to me through your word... you have been more real to me this year than you have been in a long time. If you seek me you will find me if you search for me with all your heart... and I've been seeking. I've had no choice but to seek. My heart has found joy in nothing else. Fulfillment in no other thing. You have become my ultimate obsession. And indeed, I have found you... and yet I am still far from satisfied. I know there is more. I know that I have not yet discovered all that is to be found in you. You are beyond my comprehension, far above my understanding. I can always go deeper, wider, farther into you. And I long for it - for that ultimate satisfaction that is found in being fully in love with my Saviour. And yet when circumstances of life get tough, who do I blame? You. The one person in my life who always gets me. The one person in my life who I should trust 100% of the time with everything I am. You are the first one that I blame. I feel abandoned. I feel alone. I know it isn't true. You said you will never leave me. You will never forsake me. But were those just words? Sometimes I feel that you are a taker. You take from me everything that I am willing to give to you, and you give nothing back. That is so unfair. But what is more unfair? You being a taker, or me feeling that you are. You who gave yourself... your very life for me. You who gave up everything so that I could live... So that I could be one with you... So that I could spend eternity with you. I am the most unloyal of friends. The most undeserving of your servants. Trust? What do I know of it? Faith? It is as a foreign word to me. I want to know more of your mercy, but want to learn little of patience. I want to learn more of your love, but less of longsuffering. I want to learn of your compassion, and less of trials and tribulations. I want to experience more of being under the shadow of your wings, and less of carrying your cross. These tears. You see them, right? I know you do. And you have the power to wipe them away. To reach down with your peace, with your reassurance that it's all ok. That you are going to fix it. That you aren't molding me into the woman you want me to be for nothing. You aren't setting me up for failure. Because right now, that's all I feel like. So yes, I know you are here, I know that you are present in my life, and I know that I am likely the one who needs to learn the lesson here, but this once I'd love to have you come down and just make it all go away. Of course, it won't happen. I will cry. I will wait. I will learn. I will trust. I will grow. Somewhere on the other side of all of this I may even laugh. At least I know that even though there are times that I feel like it , I'm not alone - you are here. I can talk to you. We can be closer than ever before. Thank you for that.

How could I forget?

I told you there was an important flaw to my musings! The finite human brain. I just remembered a very important passion of mine. Music! Especially singing. I was very young (not sure how old) when I sang my first duet with my mom in church, and one of my favorite memories was of being in a Patch the Pirate play at either the church or school (they were so closely linked, my memories blur there too sometimes) and singing a duet with my Uncle Tim. He was Patch, and I was Pixie.
Oh, and that brings to mind another favorite thing... acting!! I began doing that very young as well. 1rst or 2nd grade? I was in school plays and church plays, Christmas plays and Easter plays. And if the acting involved a singing part, so much the better! I think this would have gone much farther had I been involved in a public school, or local theater. I was in Christian School, and then pulled out for homeschooling, so I didn't have many opportunities to develop my acting skills. I did think about going to Northland Baptist Bible College (even sent them my ACT scores) and majoring in music and acting. I loved their traveling music and acting groups.
I did learn to play the piano, however. I mostly taught myself for the sheer joy of it, but did have a few years of lessons in middle school (that I hated!) and one year of lessons at Mount Union College my Senior year in high school (that I loved!). Piano is fun, but singing is my joy. Years of baggage pile up, and I deal with depression now, but there was a time when I sang every minute of the day, and I'm not kidding. I still sing very often, and get caught doing it at the oddest times. People look at me funny when I'm out shopping!
I also enjoyed learned clarinet during middle school, but once again never did much with it because I was not in a school with a marching band. (Trying not to sound bitter, but I do have many regrets about my high school years.) Had the opportunity presented (or perhaps if it ever does?) I would have loved to learn violin, saxophone, french horn, and guitar. I do own a guitar now, and still wish to learn how to play it as well as the drums.
Most recently I have greatly desired to be a worship leader, and to even make a CD. I wish to take voice lessons, keyboard lessons, and guitar lessons so that I am much more rounded musically, and then pursue this. I hesitate now. I love being on the worship team at church. LOVE IT with a passion. But is it my purpose?
Ok... don't get me wrong. I don't want to sound like the Christian who is all whiny and wondering what God's will is for her life. (Ok, maybe I kinda am in a way)
It's kind of like this.
I asked God one day about two months ago about some of my current dreams.... Like being a PartyLite RVP, Being a Worship leader, writing a book, going back to college for cosmetology, law, or business school, or whatever else. How do I choose? Is there another option I don't know about? He replied something I already knew. "You are living in grace. As long as I am with you it is my will. Imagine you are standing in the middle of a field and there's forest on one side, ocean on the other, prairie in front of you and jungle paradise behind you. Turn any way you want and run as fast as you can and I will be with you."
So I know that the question is not the what, it is the whom. However, the key thing here is that when I choose what to run to, it's a whole lot better if it's something I really desire. And even better yet, if I'm abiding in Christ and He's abiding in me, it's very likely that what I desire is going to be what he desires for me, so that when I run it will be with reckless abandon, and with no glancing back and no regrets. Herein lies the problem. I don't know what to choose. I don't have purpose. I truly have no vision. I absolutely have no idea whether I prefer ocean to jungle, forest to prairie, or viseversa. I have no clue. Somewhere in my subconscious mind I may have an inkling, but I wouldn't be writing blog after blog about this subject if I knew.
What am I made for? What will bring Rebecca the greatest joy and fulfillment in the whole wide world when she finds it? What can Jesus and I run to with the certainty that we can stay there until death?

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta...." "I gotta..." "I gotta do something 'till I die!!"

Hmmm... Just what is that something? The song says "love one man 'till I die." That could be the obvious choice for me... my husband is a wonderful man, and many other wonderfully talented woman have chosen a man to be their entire purpose in life. I don't know though, it just doesn't seem like a wise choice. Having spent part of my life finding my fulfillment in marriage, and realizing that husbands do indeed fail you at times (Imagine!) I don't think that it would be a very good idea. Besides, I can only wonder what would happen if (not that I ever want to think about this...) my husband went home to Jesus and left me here. Then what would my purpose be? Would I lose all desire to live once again? I'd be back at the starting place, searching for a purpose, only by then I'd most likely have no desire to even try.

So what could my purpose be?

I've been trying to think back to when I was a child. What did I like? What did I love? What did I dream about? What made me happy? This is difficult for me to do, because all these memories are very mixed up with the things that other people said I liked/loved/wanted/found joy in, as well as the things they said I could not do that I then lost interest in. I know that it must be in there. Doesn't every kid have a dream?

The earliest thing that comes to mind for me is that I have always loved to read. I devoured every book I could get my hands on regardless of genre, and read well above my reading level. My earliest favorites were mysteries, including Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew in 1rst and 2nd grade. Then came my love for writing; first for poetry and journaling, then short stories and book reports, and finally even for research reports. More recently I have discovered the world of blogging, and I adore it! I have often wanted to write a book, I just never sat down and started one.

As a result of all of my reading, I had an extremely adventuristic spirit. I wanted to try everything. I wanted to be everything when I grew up! This becomes another smokescreen in determining my true heart as a child. Let's see... detective, airplane pilot, deep sea diver, owner of a palomino horse ranch in Montana, Australian Outback tour guide, cowgirl, Rich southern plantation owner, join the marines, archaeologist, lawyer, police officer, CEO of a major company, to name a few. Of course, this doesn't count the completely impossible fantasy/historical life careers either ;0) It's kinda hard to be a unicorn, faerie, dragon, Civil War Southern belle, Clipper Ship captain, Cleopatra, a Greek goddess, Renaissance lady, etc.

Along with the love of writing, I also found a love of history and science. History in part from reading historical fiction in part from school. History overlapped science in the field of archaeology and in the study of creation science. I loved it. I decided I wanted to go to college at the Institute for Creation Research. As we studied more and more I began to adore ocean life, and decided to go into marine biology instead, but still wanted to go to ICR and study creation science as well. I felt that every science field needed more of a creation influence. My parents were strongly against me going to ICR, and someone else said that marine biologists did more office work than field work. Being the people pleaser that I was, and the adventure seeker that I was, I began to look elsewhere. I found exactly what I was looking for in the study of anatomy. From that point on I wanted to be a doctor. It's all I focused on. I was not really encouraged into this field, other than by my science teacher and by my two grandfathers... one of them because he wanted me to take care of him when he got old, and the other because he said I could do anything that I set my mind to and he would support any decision I made. My parents again did not like my choice of college, but I did not have many Christian choices in choosing a secular career.

Now insert new complication... one summer at youth camp (7th grade?) I went forward to get saved, but the counselor convinced me that I already was (that was the year I should have gotten saved, rather than just a few years ago... she just wasn't thinking clearly or something). The following night was missionary night and I remember being under a ton of conviction and weeping to the song "Lord, Send Me Anywhere" I didn't know what it was, but I decided that since I was already saved I must be called to missions. From that point on I told everyone I was supposed to be a missionary... even to the point where in order to still be a doctor I decided to be a medical missionary. I really wanted to go to Africa, and later on to India.

This all confuses me very much, because I was very unsaved... but I truly did weep every time a missionary came to church. I really did want to go on missions trips, and I really was torn between being a doctor and being a missionary, to the point where I felt I had to make a choice between the two. I even had this weird vision thingie one year at camp meeting where I saw Indian faces all over the room looking at me and I was terrified and couldn't sleep. I thought it was God wanting me to go to India. Now I have no idea what it was about. Did I want to be a missionary because I was concerned for my own soul? Because I knew it was one thing that would make my parents and pastor happy? I have no idea.

Anyway, I sought a missionary husband. There was this guy I really liked, but I would only allow us to just be friends because he was called to be a church planter, not a missionary. Chris (my husband) and I had been friends for a while, and of course I knew that he planned on going to Ireland as a missionary, so naturally, when I married him, I figured that's what I would end up doing with my life.

We got married, found out I was faking being saved, then I got saved, we surrendered to be missionaries to Sri Lanka... but my heart wasn't in it. Why?

He was called to be a missionary. I wanted adventure. Mystery adventure, Romance adventure, History adventure, Science adventure. Meeting people kind of adventure. But what he was planning was real life ministry. When it didn't work out for us to go, I was secretly glad. I love that country, I love the people we met there. But I still don't know my purpose.

If I am indeed purposed by God to be a missionary, then I have not caught that vision since he has brought me into his family. If I should go to college and be a doctor after all this time, then that sure is complicated seeing as I have two small children to mother! Writing would be the easiest to accomplish...

Even now there is a flaw to these musings. I am likely to have completely missed the most important facts.

But here is the most important question. Even if I feel that I loved one of these the most, I cannot go forward with it. I cannot act upon it. Until God gives me the vision for my life. Until something strikes a chord deep within my innermost soul and the Spirit says, "Yes!" I cannot do anything at all but stay right where I am.

As of now, the song lyrics will have to be true of me...

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta love one man 'till I die"

And that man is Jesus. I man I can rely on and trust. A man who will never let me down. He will show me what I need to know in his time. I know he will, because I asked him too! I just need to focus on him, listen to him, wait on him... and can't help lovin' that man of mine!

Alive Fest

Alive Fest last night was amazing! I couldn't help but think as I walked down into that natural ampitheatre/hillside setting of Jesus feeding the five thousand. Wow what a miracle that must have been. I couldn't imagine feeding that many people with plenty of food, let alone one little lunch. There were so many people sitting and standing everywhere, all gathered in one heart, for one purpose... to worship Jesus! While we were waiting for the music to start, Reggie Dabbs had us laughing all the way to the most sneaky presentation of the gospel and of Christians getting right with God that I've ever heard. Wow! He was amazing. I was crying, and if there was a dry eye in the place I'd be amazed. A ton of people went forward to be prayed over. Here's this guy, just cracking jokes and having a good time with us and then "Bam!" the knife of conviction plunges into the heart and twists... OUCH! At one point I coud have sworn he was speaking directly to me, looking directly at me, despite the thousands of people there. That's the Holy Spirit, Baby! We saw Thousand Foot Krutch and TobyMac. What a great night of high energy rocking out and singing! The love of Christ was tangible all around, the excitement, the passion, the fervor. Here was a whole crowd of Jesus freaks dancing and shouting as one to their Saviour! I was blessed. I was convicted. I was in awe. Music is powerful, and as I listened I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me of so many things. (It was truly overwhelming!!) Of course, I also did my fair share of dancing and shouting (way up front by the band of course!) and hand raising, but in those last few TobyMac songs, I couldn't help but raise my hands to the stars in gratefulness with heart so full of love it could burst. I definitely plan on going back next year! (and thanks Shannon for taking me! It was a great birthday present!!)





http://reggiedabbsonline.com/
http://www.thousandfootkrutch.com/
http://www.tobymac.com/

Pour My Love On You

Pour My Love On You by Phillips Craig and Dean

Verse 1:
I don't know how to say exactly how I feel
And I can't begin to tell you what your love has meant
I'm lost for words
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
Lord, this is my desire
To pour my love on You

Chorus:
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you

Verse 2:
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
Lord, this is my desire
To pour my love on you

Chorus:
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you

Every time I hear this song, I find myself lost at the feet of Jesus... Lavishing my praise and love upon Him. This is my desire. I desire to take these precious moments of loving musical refrain and transform my life into one beautiful rapturous love song . Imagine, an entire life devoted only to falling at the feet of my Saviour and bestowing all that I am and all that I ever can be upon Him! I would spend every waking moment anticipating His every need and each hour that goes by in sleep filled with dreams of Him. To be so in love with Jesus that nothing else matters... it used to be so silly to think of such things. I'd hear people talk about it, see people who lived it, or read books by people who tell how to achieve it, and I'd think to myself that it was far to fanciful to be reality. And yet... there was this longing deep inside, this ache that I couldn't deny that longed for this relationship. Of course, it was the Holy Spirit living within me, awakening me to who Jesus really is. Jesus, the loving bridegroom who dotes upon his bride, and I the bride who ignores his every advance... Oh, how it grieved Him. Slowly, my eyes were opened and I tentatively reached out my hand to His. I found in that instant more love and acceptance than I ever dreamed possible! As my heart opened up to His, He poured His love into me. I can hear Him now as He sings to me:

I don't know how to say exactly how I feel
And I can't begin to tell you what your love has meant
I'm lost for words
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
this is my desire
To pour my love on You
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
this is my desire
To pour my love on you
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you

He loves me like that!!! How can I not echo back to him the refrain of mutual affection? How can I not desire to spend a lifetime getting to know the one who loves me with such ardent passion? Spirit, teach me more of this magnificent one who I am united with! Take this spark of desire and turn it into a burning flame for Jesus!