My spiritual journey: moments of clarity, ponderings, and vast irritations

Showing posts with label Vision. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Vision. Show all posts

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Early morning ponderings...

Some people like to do puzzles, I like to draw mazes... Right now I'm trying to figure out where some of these interesting paths in my life intersect into the main path... and I'm concerned about which ones may dead end... Unfortunately, this is one maze that I did not draw....
And of course, there is comfort in the fact that the most amazing Maze Maker of all has designed this one for me, but there is also frustration involved cuz I want to know NOW. Sometimes it's hard to rest in Him, knowing that He will show me in His time. I have many questions, and I have many plans. I really should not worry, it's not like He's disappointed me yet. He has given me the desires of my heart over and over and over again... Really, is there reason to fear? No... no fears... only a deep need to see the end goal, to formulate a clear vision, to know exactly what I am working towards. :) I think, "Is that so much to ask?" I suppose not, and yet I know this One who guides me each step of the way, and He has been very funny about giving me tiny little illuminated corridors at a time! A scripture verse here, a self-insight there... Perhaps to others these make more sense than they do to myself! Maybe? HA! And so the mystery continues, and I grab a hold of His hand and beg Him to take me deeper into Himself and deeper into what He has for me. I anticipate...... something wonderful....!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Life Song/Movie/Show

Been thinking for awhile about what my life song, movie, or tv show would be...
i.e. desperate housewife, sleepless in seattle, etc...
I, of course, must choose a song! I'm a music person!
And I can't just stick with title, it must include lyrics. :)


Leaning right now toward Dream, by Michelle Tumes (I say leaning, because I am still thinking about this... I may find something that speaks to me even more, but this is just so spot on at the moment)
Dreams you say? yes! I'm full of them!



I believe there is divine imagination
Give it wings for it created aviation
Every little hop you’re holding inside
Every little gleam you keep in you eyes
A dream, yeah, a dream

Before a seed became a flower there was a vision
The dream is planted deep, He’ll shower it with wisdom
Flowing with love that’s making you smile
You’ve waited in your faith you’ve dreamed your whole life
Your soul begin to fly

There’s a dream in your heart
And His heart is your prayer
You can move mountains with your life in His hands
He’ll tear down the walls and He’ll walk where you can’t
Have faith in the power to believe
He’s given you a dream

I pray your dream will leap beyond your expectations
You’ll see miracles He has no limitations
Listen to His voice a spark will ignite
Let Him be the strength to carry your life
He’ll raise your spirit high

You will find the bloom beneath the sunshine
Reach inside and sail to His horizon
Every little hope you’re holding inside
Every little gleam you keep in your eyes
You’ve waited in your faith you’ve dreamed your whole life
Let your soul begin to fly

Faith in the power to believe
He has given you a dream
Faith in the power to believe
Gotta have faith in the power to believe
He has given you a dream
Faith in the power

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Celine Dion

Part of my one year plan is to read one musician/songwriter biography a week. I more fiction in a week than that, so it shouldn't be difficult to accomplish. I am looking for 'why' they pursued their dream, what it was that gave them their lucky break, mistakes they made along the way, and any little tidbits that really speak to me.

The first book I'm reading is Celine Dion's My Story, My Dream. I've only read the prologue at this point, but have already picked up on a few amazing truths.

1. Don't forget your little dreams on your way to pursuing your big dream.
From the time she was a child Celine always said she would buy a horse with her first paycheck as a singer. She bought high heels instead. Years later she looked back on that with sadness. So many of her small dreams had been lost along the way due to schedules, parties, and new dreams.

2. There will always be new dreams along the way to your big dream.
We will always be growing up along the way... discovering new things about ourselves... things that may have been there all along, but we never realized it.

3. When you accomplish your big dream, what then?
There will always be a dream bigger than your big dream that you haven't dreamed yet. Life does not end when we have accomplished all that we set out to do! Life is more than just a feather in your cap for a job well done. There will be greater and greater visions as we grow into who we were meant to be. Don't be afraid to dream big and even bigger!

4. Your big dream is not what defines you.
If you have done everything in your life to reach that fantastic place that you've always envisioned and then reached it, don't be afraid to take a break. I will still be me if I don't sing or write music. Even your favorite things can become just another job. Realize that it's okay to relax even from your dreams, goals and purpose.

If you are trying to find all those exact statements in the prologue, you wont! They are just little things I figured out while reading! ;)

Back to the book now.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

IPIP-NEO 5 Factor Personality Test

Took this very long Personality Test today... Maybe helpful, maybe just more of what I already know! So I go onward in this pursuit of a dream, purpose and vision!


This report compares Becca from the country USA to other adult women. (The name used in this report is either a nickname chosen by the person taking the test, or, if a valid nickname was not chosen, a random nickname generated by the program.)

This report estimates the individual's level on each of the five broad personality domains of the Five-Factor Model. The description of each one of the five broad domains is followed by a more detailed description of personality according to the six subdomains that comprise each domain.

A note on terminology. Personality traits describe, relative to other people, the frequency or intensity of a person's feelings, thoughts, or behaviors. Possession of a trait is therefore a matter of degree. We might describe two individuals as extraverts, but still see one as more extraverted than the other. This report uses expressions such as "extravert" or "high in extraversion" to describe someone who is likely to be seen by others as relatively extraverted. The computer program that generates this report classifies you as low, average, or high in a trait according to whether your score is approximately in the lowest 30%, middle 40%, or highest 30% of scores obtained by people of your sex and roughly your age. Your numerical scores are reported and graphed as percentile estimates. For example, a score of "60" means that your level on that trait is estimated to be higher than 60% of persons of your sex and age.

Please keep in mind that "low," "average," and "high" scores on a personality test are neither absolutely good nor bad. A particular level on any trait will probably be neutral or irrelevant for a great many activites, be helpful for accomplishing some things, and detrimental for accomplishing other things. As with any personality inventory, scores and descriptions can only approximate an individual's actual personality. High and low score descriptions are usually accurate, but average scores close to the low or high boundaries might misclassify you as only average. On each set of six subdomain scales it is somewhat uncommon but certainly possible to score high in some of the subdomains and low in the others. In such cases more attention should be paid to the subdomain scores than to the broad domain score. Questions about the accuracy of your results are best resolved by showing your report to people who know you well.

John A. Johnson wrote descriptions of the five domains and thirty subdomains. These descriptions are based on an extensive reading of the scientific literature on personality measurement.

Extraversion

Extraversion is marked by pronounced engagement with the external world. Extraverts enjoy being with people, are full of energy, and often experience positive emotions. They tend to be enthusiastic, action-oriented, individuals who are likely to say "Yes!" or "Let's go!" to opportunities for excitement. In groups they like to talk, assert themselves, and draw attention to themselves.

Introverts lack the exuberance, energy, and activity levels of extraverts. They tend to be quiet, low-key, deliberate, and disengaged from the social world. Their lack of social involvement should not be interpreted as shyness or depression; the introvert simply needs less stimulation than an extravert and prefers to be alone. The independence and reserve of the introvert is sometimes mistaken as unfriendliness or arrogance. In reality, an introvert who scores high on the agreeableness dimension will not seek others out but will be quite pleasant when approached.

Domain/Facet........... Score

Extraversion...............99

Friendliness.............95

Gregariousness...........99

Assertiveness............99

Activity Level...........94

Excitement-Seeking.......99

Cheerfulness.............97

Your score on Extraversion is high, indicating you are sociable, outgoing, energetic, and lively. You prefer to be around people much of the time.

Extraversion Facets

  • Friendliness. Friendly people genuinely like other people and openly demonstrate positive feelings toward others. They make friends quickly and it is easy for them to form close, intimate relationships. Low scorers on Friendliness are not necessarily cold and hostile, but they do not reach out to others and are perceived as distant and reserved. Your level of friendliness is high.
  • Gregariousness. Gregarious people find the company of others pleasantly stimulating and rewarding. They enjoy the excitement of crowds. Low scorers tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. They do not necessarily dislike being with people sometimes, but their need for privacy and time to themselves is much greater than for individuals who score high on this scale. Your level of gregariousness is high.
  • Assertiveness. High scorers Assertiveness like to speak out, take charge, and direct the activities of others. They tend to be leaders in groups. Low scorers tend not to talk much and let others control the activities of groups. Your level of assertiveness is high.
  • Activity Level. Active individuals lead fast-paced, busy lives. They move about quickly, energetically, and vigorously, and they are involved in many activities. People who score low on this scale follow a slower and more leisurely, relaxed pace. Your activity level is high.
  • Excitement-Seeking. High scorers on this scale are easily bored without high levels of stimulation. They love bright lights and hustle and bustle. They are likely to take risks and seek thrills. Low scorers are overwhelmed by noise and commotion and are adverse to thrill-seeking. Your level of excitement-seeking is high.
  • Cheerfulness. This scale measures positive mood and feelings, not negative emotions (which are a part of the Neuroticism domain). Persons who score high on this scale typically experience a range of positive feelings, including happiness, enthusiasm, optimism, and joy. Low scorers are not as prone to such energetic, high spirits. Your level of positive emotions is high.

Agreeableness

Agreeableness reflects individual differences in concern with cooperation and social harmony. Agreeable individuals value getting along with others. They are therefore considerate, friendly, generous, helpful, and willing to compromise their interests with others'. Agreeable people also have an optimistic view of human nature. They believe people are basically honest, decent, and trustworthy.

Disagreeable individuals place self-interest above getting along with others. They are generally unconcerned with others' well-being, and therefore are unlikely to extend themselves for other people. Sometimes their skepticism about others' motives causes them to be suspicious, unfriendly, and uncooperative.

Agreeableness is obviously advantageous for attaining and maintaining popularity. Agreeable people are better liked than disagreeable people. On the other hand, agreeableness is not useful in situations that require tough or absolute objective decisions. Disagreeable people can make excellent scientists, critics, or soldiers.

Domain/Facet........... Score

Agreeableness..............25

Trust....................66

Morality.................5

Altruism.................64

Cooperation..............57

Modesty..................8

Sympathy.................9

Your score on Agreeableness is low, indicating less concern with others' needs Than with your own. People see you as tough, critical, and uncompromising.

Agreeableness Facets

  • Trust. A person with high trust assumes that most people are fair, honest, and have good intentions. Persons low in trust see others as selfish, devious, and potentially dangerous. Your level of trust is average.
  • Morality. High scorers on this scale see no need for pretense or manipulation when dealing with others and are therefore candid, frank, and sincere. Low scorers believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. People find it relatively easy to relate to the straightforward high-scorers on this scale. They generally find it more difficult to relate to the unstraightforward low-scorers on this scale. It should be made clear that low scorers are not unprincipled or immoral; they are simply more guarded and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth. Your level of morality is low.
  • Altruism. Altruistic people find helping other people genuinely rewarding. Consequently, they are generally willing to assist those who are in need. Altruistic people find that doing things for others is a form of self-fulfillment rather than self-sacrifice. Low scorers on this scale do not particularly like helping those in need. Requests for help feel like an imposition rather than an opportunity for self-fulfillment. Your level of altruism is average.
  • Cooperation. Individuals who score high on this scale dislike confrontations. They are perfectly willing to compromise or to deny their own needs in order to get along with others. Those who score low on this scale are more likely to intimidate others to get their way. Your level of compliance is average.
  • Modesty. High scorers on this scale do not like to claim that they are better than other people. In some cases this attitude may derive from low self-confidence or self-esteem. Nonetheless, some people with high self-esteem find immodesty unseemly. Those who are willing to describe themselves as superior tend to be seen as disagreeably arrogant by other people. Your level of modesty is low.
  • Sympathy. People who score high on this scale are tenderhearted and compassionate. They feel the pain of others vicariously and are easily moved to pity. Low scorers are not affected strongly by human suffering. They pride themselves on making objective judgments based on reason. They are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy. Your level of tender-mindedness is low.

Conscientiousness

Conscientiousness concerns the way in which we control, regulate, and direct our impulses. Impulses are not inherently bad; occasionally time constraints require a snap decision, and acting on our first impulse can be an effective response. Also, in times of play rather than work, acting spontaneously and impulsively can be fun. Impulsive individuals can be seen by others as colorful, fun-to-be-with, and zany.

Nonetheless, acting on impulse can lead to trouble in a number of ways. Some impulses are antisocial. Uncontrolled antisocial acts not only harm other members of society, but also can result in retribution toward the perpetrator of such impulsive acts. Another problem with impulsive acts is that they often produce immediate rewards but undesirable, long-term consequences. Examples include excessive socializing that leads to being fired from one's job, hurling an insult that causes the breakup of an important relationship, or using pleasure-inducing drugs that eventually destroy one's health.

Impulsive behavior, even when not seriously destructive, diminishes a person's effectiveness in significant ways. Acting impulsively disallows contemplating alternative courses of action, some of which would have been wiser than the impulsive choice. Impulsivity also sidetracks people during projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Accomplishments of an impulsive person are therefore small, scattered, and inconsistent.

A hallmark of intelligence, what potentially separates human beings from earlier life forms, is the ability to think about future consequences before acting on an impulse. Intelligent activity involves contemplation of long-range goals, organizing and planning routes to these goals, and persisting toward one's goals in the face of short-lived impulses to the contrary. The idea that intelligence involves impulse control is nicely captured by the term prudence, an alternative label for the Conscientiousness domain. Prudent means both wise and cautious. Persons who score high on the Conscientiousness scale are, in fact, perceived by others as intelligent.

The benefits of high conscientiousness are obvious. Conscientious individuals avoid trouble and achieve high levels of success through purposeful planning and persistence. They are also positively regarded by others as intelligent and reliable. On the negative side, they can be compulsive perfectionists and workaholics. Furthermore, extremely conscientious individuals might be regarded as stuffy and boring. Unconscientious people may be criticized for their unreliability, lack of ambition, and failure to stay within the lines, but they will experience many short-lived pleasures and they will never be called stuffy.

Domain/Facet........... Score

Conscientiousness..........44

Self-Efficacy............85

Orderliness..............37

Dutifulness..............33

Achievement-Striving.....84

Self-Discipline..........47

Cautiousness.............4

Your score on Conscientiousness is average. This means you are reasonably reliable, organized, and self-controlled.

Conscientiousness Facets

  • Self-Efficacy. Self-Efficacy describes confidence in one's ability to accomplish things. High scorers believe they have the intelligence (common sense), drive, and self-control necessary for achieving success. Low scorers do not feel effective, and may have a sense that they are not in control of their lives. Your level of self-efficacy is high.
  • Orderliness. Persons with high scores on orderliness are well-organized. They like to live according to routines and schedules. They keep lists and make plans. Low scorers tend to be disorganized and scattered. Your level of orderliness is average.
  • Dutifulness. This scale reflects the strength of a person's sense of duty and obligation. Those who score high on this scale have a strong sense of moral obligation. Low scorers find contracts, rules, and regulations overly confining. They are likely to be seen as unreliable or even irresponsible. Your level of dutifulness is average.
  • Achievement-Striving. Individuals who score high on this scale strive hard to achieve excellence. Their drive to be recognized as successful keeps them on track toward their lofty goals. They often have a strong sense of direction in life, but extremely high scores may be too single-minded and obsessed with their work. Low scorers are content to get by with a minimal amount of work, and might be seen by others as lazy. Your level of achievement striving is high.
  • Self-Discipline. Self-discipline-what many people call will-power-refers to the ability to persist at difficult or unpleasant tasks until they are completed. People who possess high self-discipline are able to overcome reluctance to begin tasks and stay on track despite distractions. Those with low self-discipline procrastinate and show poor follow-through, often failing to complete tasks-even tasks they want very much to complete. Your level of self-discipline is average.
  • Cautiousness. Cautiousness describes the disposition to think through possibilities before acting. High scorers on the Cautiousness scale take their time when making decisions. Low scorers often say or do first thing that comes to mind without deliberating alternatives and the probable consequences of those alternatives. Your level of cautiousness is low.

Neuroticism

Freud originally used the term neurosis to describe a condition marked by mental distress, emotional suffering, and an inability to cope effectively with the normal demands of life. He suggested that everyone shows some signs of neurosis, but that we differ in our degree of suffering and our specific symptoms of distress. Today neuroticism refers to the tendency to experience negative feelings. Those who score high on Neuroticism may experience primarily one specific negative feeling such as anxiety, anger, or depression, but are likely to experience several of these emotions. People high in neuroticism are emotionally reactive. They respond emotionally to events that would not affect most people, and their reactions tend to be more intense than normal. They are more likely to interpret ordinary situations as threatening, and minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult. Their negative emotional reactions tend to persist for unusually long periods of time, which means they are often in a bad mood. These problems in emotional regulation can diminish a neurotic's ability to think clearly, make decisions, and cope effectively with stress.

At the other end of the scale, individuals who score low in neuroticism are less easily upset and are less emotionally reactive. They tend to be calm, emotionally stable, and free from persistent negative feelings. Freedom from negative feelings does not mean that low scorers experience a lot of positive feelings; frequency of positive emotions is a component of the Extraversion domain.

Domain/Facet........... Score

Neuroticism................58

Anxiety..................60

Anger....................87

Depression...............77

Self-Consciousness.......1

Immoderation.............63

Vulnerability............53

Your score on Neuroticism is average, indicating that your level of emotional reactivity is typical of the general population. Stressful and frustrating situations are somewhat upsetting to you, but you are generally able to get over these feelings and cope with these situations.

Neuroticism Facets

  • Anxiety. The "fight-or-flight" system of the brain of anxious individuals is too easily and too often engaged. Therefore, people who are high in anxiety often feel like something dangerous is about to happen. They may be afraid of specific situations or be just generally fearful. They feel tense, jittery, and nervous. Persons low in Anxiety are generally calm and fearless. Your level of anxiety is average.
  • Anger. Persons who score high in Anger feel enraged when things do not go their way. They are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter when they feel they are being cheated. This scale measures the tendency to feel angry; whether or not the person expresses annoyance and hostility depends on the individual's level on Agreeableness. Low scorers do not get angry often or easily. Your level of anger is high.
  • Depression. This scale measures the tendency to feel sad, dejected, and discouraged. High scorers lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. Low scorers tend to be free from these depressive feelings. Your level of depression is high.
  • Self-Consciousness. Self-conscious individuals are sensitive about what others think of them. Their concern about rejection and ridicule cause them to feel shy and uncomfortable abound others. They are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Their fears that others will criticize or make fun of them are exaggerated and unrealistic, but their awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy. Low scorers, in contrast, do not suffer from the mistaken impression that everyone is watching and judging them. They do not feel nervous in social situations. Your level or self-consciousness is low.
  • Immoderation. Immoderate individuals feel strong cravings and urges that they have difficulty resisting. They tend to be oriented toward short-term pleasures and rewards rather than long- term consequences. Low scorers do not experience strong, irresistible cravings and consequently do not find themselves tempted to overindulge. Your level of immoderation is average.
  • Vulnerability. High scorers on Vulnerability experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. Low scorers feel more poised, confident, and clear-thinking when stressed. Your level of vulnerability is average.

Openness to Experience

Openness to Experience describes a dimension of cognitive style that distinguishes imaginative, creative people from down-to-earth, conventional people. Open people are intellectually curious, appreciative of art, and sensitive to beauty. They tend to be, compared to closed people, more aware of their feelings. They tend to think and act in individualistic and nonconforming ways. Intellectuals typically score high on Openness to Experience; consequently, this factor has also been called Culture or Intellect. Nonetheless, Intellect is probably best regarded as one aspect of openness to experience. Scores on Openness to Experience are only modestly related to years of education and scores on standard intelligent tests.

Another characteristic of the open cognitive style is a facility for thinking in symbols and abstractions far removed from concrete experience. Depending on the individual's specific intellectual abilities, this symbolic cognition may take the form of mathematical, logical, or geometric thinking, artistic and metaphorical use of language, music composition or performance, or one of the many visual or performing arts. People with low scores on openness to experience tend to have narrow, common interests. They prefer the plain, straightforward, and obvious over the complex, ambiguous, and subtle. They may regard the arts and sciences with suspicion, regarding these endeavors as abstruse or of no practical use. Closed people prefer familiarity over novelty; they are conservative and resistant to change.

Openness is often presented as healthier or more mature by psychologists, who are often themselves open to experience. However, open and closed styles of thinking are useful in different environments. The intellectual style of the open person may serve a professor well, but research has shown that closed thinking is related to superior job performance in police work, sales, and a number of service occupations.

Domain/Facet........... Score

Openness to experience.....91

Imagination..............95

Artistic Interests.......82

Emotionality.............92

Adventurousness..........99

Intellect................93

Liberalism...............0

Your score on Openness to Experience is high, indicating you enjoy novelty, variety, and change. You are curious, imaginative, and creative.

Openness Facets

  • Imagination. To imaginative individuals, the real world is often too plain and ordinary. High scorers on this scale use fantasy as a way of creating a richer, more interesting world. Low scorers are on this scale are more oriented to facts than fantasy. Your level of imagination is high.
  • Artistic Interests. High scorers on this scale love beauty, both in art and in nature. They become easily involved and absorbed in artistic and natural events. They are not necessarily artistically trained nor talented, although many will be. The defining features of this scale are interest in, and appreciation of natural and artificial beauty. Low scorers lack aesthetic sensitivity and interest in the arts. Your level of artistic interests is high.
  • Emotionality. Persons high on Emotionality have good access to and awareness of their own feelings. Low scorers are less aware of their feelings and tend not to express their emotions openly. Your level of emotionality is high.
  • Adventurousness. High scorers on adventurousness are eager to try new activities, travel to foreign lands, and experience different things. They find familiarity and routine boring, and will take a new route home just because it is different. Low scorers tend to feel uncomfortable with change and prefer familiar routines. Your level of adventurousness is high.
  • Intellect. Intellect and artistic interests are the two most important, central aspects of openness to experience. High scorers on Intellect love to play with ideas. They are open-minded to new and unusual ideas, and like to debate intellectual issues. They enjoy riddles, puzzles, and brain teasers. Low scorers on Intellect prefer dealing with either people or things rather than ideas. They regard intellectual exercises as a waste of time. Intellect should not be equated with intelligence. Intellect is an intellectual style, not an intellectual ability, although high scorers on Intellect score slightly higher than low-Intellect individuals on standardized intelligence tests. Your level of intellect is high.
  • Liberalism. Psychological liberalism refers to a readiness to challenge authority, convention, and traditional values. In its most extreme form, psychological liberalism can even represent outright hostility toward rules, sympathy for law-breakers, and love of ambiguity, chaos, and disorder. Psychological conservatives prefer the security and stability brought by conformity to tradition. Psychological liberalism and conservatism are not identical to political affiliation, but certainly incline individuals toward certain political parties. Your level of liberalism is low.


Monday, July 28, 2008

Jesus, have you been reading my blog??

Hmmm... this is an odd thing. After sorta shaking my fist at God, then apologizing, then explaining myself, then crying out to him, yet still leaving pretty much upset, He has begun to show himself everywhere. It's almost as if He actually paid attention to me. Huh. Like, He cares? Wow! I shouldn't be so floored, it's not as if I'm totally new at this whole Christian life thing. I've seen Him do some pretty amazing things. The thing is, that when you've spent so long asking and getting nothing, you start to feel a little cynical, you know? And then when it actually happens, there's this part of you (that fleshy part... Nyah ha ha) that says you must be imagining things. But then there is this other part (that New Creation part!! YAY!) that jumps for joy at sight of her beloved coming to her rescue! Sigh, "I knew you would be here... you are just in time!"

And he is just in time. When all hope is gone, he restores my hope. When strength is gone, he becomes my strength. When all joy is gone, he bubbles up inside of me once again. And it may be only for a few moments, but it's enough to get me to the next oasis in this desert of learning.

So, to give credit where credit is due (names excluded to protect the innocent!! ;0) )... this past week I have had two job offers (one of them FANTASTIC!), an interview at a place where I've been begging God to get me into (funny thing about that is, if they call me I'm not sure if I'll take the job!), we've been given $100 by some random person at church (If I knew who you were, I'd give you a big hug!!!), $500 from a friend, groceries from another friend (cupboards were bare! she rocks!), pull-ups and a few groceries from a relative, and the creme-de-la-creme was the friend who changed our oil, filled up our gas tank, and then changed our front brakes and rotors! (not that they are any more special than the friend who bought us groceries, just that that was something that we have needed done desperately!)

So, thanks to all of them... Wow! They may or may not have any idea how much that was needed, but I want them to know how much it meant spiritually. It's been dry and dusty. And they were Jesus to us. To me! I saw Jesus in them.

But as I said, credit where credit is due... Jesus, I'm in awe. You said, I'd find you if I sought you with all my heart, and that's one thing I haven't quit doing. And sure enough here you are. And you are doing big things. Well, big to me from the perspective I'm in at this moment. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Now if you wouldn't mind taking care of a few other things... ;0) I have a list. And since you are reading my blog anyway, check out my whole purpose/vision struggle. I've been asking you for vision for over a month now! Hint. Hint.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Why 5 AM?

This morning at 5 AM Jesus woke me up. Did I want to get up? No. I was cold. I was tired. I was grouchy. I wanted to go back to sleep. Why, oh why is it always 5 AM? Of course, you would think that by this time in my Christian life I would just bound out of bed with joy at the thought that my Saviour wants to talk to me, but no... I said something along the lines of 'what do you want?' (OH MY!) Of course, he wanted me to read my Bible (AT 5 AM??!!), and I'm like, "Jesus, I'm cold, I'm tired! Can we do this later? Besides, remember how I don't have The Message yet? I don't even have access to the Internet today because something is wrong with the server (thank goodness it turned out to be a firewall problem!! YAY! My Internet is back! But at this moment, I didn't know that)." He of course sends me this mental image of my simple green KJV sitting on the shelf in the other room, to which I said, "But Lord, it's so early, I'll never get anything out of it this morning!" To which he sent me the same mental image with the thought that there was something very simple in there for me today. Nothing to difficult, nothing that would need a dictionary, a concordance, or a commentary. "But why?" I had to ask. (I HAD to ask. It was 5 o'clock in the morning!!!) He simply whispered one word. VISION. Come again? What was that? VISION. "Are you saying that you are going to give me my vision if I get up and read my Bible this morning?" Why, oh why did He have to wait until 5 AM to do it? I think I actually harrumphed. I dragged out of bed with my blanked wrapped around me asking where I was supposed to read at, but of course there was no reply on that. I apparently had to figure it out myself. I sat down on the floor outside of the bathroom and decided to read where I had left off in the Message a few days earlier, in Colossians 4 (I know, I know, for a girl who's seeking purpose I haven't been reading very much...). I was all like "YADA, YADA, YADA... okay, God. There's nothing in here for me, I'm going to bed now..." until I came to verse 17.

"And say to Archippus, Take heed to the ministry which thou hast received in the Lord, that thou fulfil it."

It was like there were little neon arrows surrounding the verse, and I knew it was what he had roused me from sleep for. Simple for sure, but confusing as well. What ministry? I already had one? When did he give it to me? Of course, right now he was pretty quiet and I was left entirely to my own sleepy-headed musings, and this was the time that an explanation would have been great! I had a cross reference written in my Bible from some time ago leading me to Philemon 2

"And to our beloved Apphia, and Archippus our fellowsoldier, and to the church in they house:"
It meant little to me, so I went back and studied the verse some more... What ministry? It must be important if the Holy Spirit would get me up at 5 AM. And then I remembered something... I Timothy... There was this verse that God gave me last year when we submitted our resumes to FBC. I was terrified about being a pastor's wife, but we saw it as an open door, so we walked through it. God ended up having other plans, but he was pleased with our willingness. At this time I was seeking him like crazy because I was overwhelmed with what that role would mean for me. I was at the dentist getting an emergency root canal and I was bored, so I was playing games on my cell phone (it turned into an all day event). I decided to read my Bible on my cell phone while I was in there and started in I Timothy. It seemed a logical place to start. My husband was seeking the pastorate, and I Timothy was written to a young pastor. I got to verse 12 and my heart melted. Jesus spoke to me, and at the time I thought it was just for peace about FBC... now I'm not so sure. The verse is as follows:

" And I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who hath enabled me, for that he counted me faithful, putting me into the ministry;"
I was never called to do anything, but I felt that God was saying that because I had been faithful in the ministries he had given me, he would allow me to serve alongside my husband.

Now here I was this morning looking at this verse in a new light. Last fall Jesus said that I was faithful and he put me into the ministry, and now he says to me, remember what I told you? It's time to fulfill it.

This left me a tad bit confused as I asked myself is it a ministry, or THE ministry... So I asked Christopher, and in so doing I found the importance of Philemon 2... Archippus was a preacher/teacher, Timothy was a Pastor. There is only one "THE ministry" I quipped back at him that I must be called to preach then, and he laughed. No, not called to preach. Called to the ministry. My husband is called to preach. I as his wife am no less in the ministry than he is. He proceeded to remind me of something that happened last summer at my dear friend Carolyn's funeral. Christopher preached her funeral, and afterwards a sweet lady began to talk to me in an understanding way about being a pastor's wife and that she just knew I was a wonderful one, and she knew just what it was like and gave me all kinds of encouragement. I should have told her that my husband wasn't a pastor, but I couldn't. It felt... right. It felt like truth. Chris was standing right there having person after person shake his hand and call him a pastor, but he couldn't correct them. It felt true. We looked at each other, startled as if some prophecy had been spoken over us. We did tell the sweet lady the truth, and she looked at us in confusion and said that God would put us in a church for sure. From that point on Chris has known that he would pastor a church. For some reason, it hasn't sunk in with me.
Oh, I know why. Because it is the one thing that I have always said that I would NEVER do!! There you have it. A missionaries wife, sure, a pastor's wife, no way!
So I think God is trying to tell me something...
Meanwhile other things are happening in Chris' life that I'd love to tell you about, but the timing isn't right. Needless to say, God has me on this vision seeking journey for a reason, and I'm not seeking on my own. My husband is on a journey as well! I think we all will be amazed at what will happen in the near future.

Oh... Archippus means master of the horse... perhaps I'll get my horse ranch after all! LOL

Monday, July 7, 2008

Just what are my spiritual gifts?

I am moving on in my search for where I fit in in this vast world that God created. My question of the hour is "Just what are my spiritual gifts?" I have often wondered this. Not only would God not create me with out a purpose (I am convinced of that now, whether I know just what it is or not), but he is unlikely to have left me utterly unequipped to accomplish said purpose. Now, if I could figure out what my spiritual gifts are, I think perhaps I'd be one step closer to finding my vision! Yes, that magical ethereal floating somewhere out there dream that I once had when I was a child....... (Cue the mystical music Mr. sound effect guy) According to PT, I have one. So last night we dragged in super late from our camping weekend, and I went straight to the computer to, that's right, take a spiritual gifts test. I was up awfully late.
Here is my score (25 is the highest score), and I shouldn't be that surprised by some of them...

25 - Writing
25 - Hospitality
25 - Music
25 - Discernment
21 - Leadership
14 - Administration
13 - Apostle
11 - Missionary
10 - Encouragement
10 - Faith
10 - Knowledge
9 - Wisdom
7 - Prophecy
6 - Mercy
6 - Exhortation
6 - Miracles
5 - Poverty (apparently I really like my stuff!)
5 - helps
4 - Pastoring (that works out good for me seeing that I'm a woman)
3 - Giving
2 - Healing
2 - Evangelism
2 - Craftsmanship
2 - Intercession
0 - Teaching, Celibacy (Chris will be glad to hear that), Tongues

So, I think that covers the bases (I know our particular denomination perhaps doesn't believe in all of these gifts, but this was the test I took)

What's funny about this is I have been told that I have all of the top 6 gifts by more than one person (my husband, Pastor, friends, etc) but I never realized that they were spiritual gifts. I guess I just had to see for myself. Missionary is higher up on the list, so I suppose I can't rule it out as an option for my future, seeing that some of the questions I answered negatively too were asking if God had called me to the mission field. I don't really no, so I put no. If he ever does that would change my answer and that score would move up from a 10 to who knows what.

So I'm left with writing and music... Should I write books, or be a singer? And where do hospitality and discernment fit in? I'm in charge of the hospitality at church (due to PT seeing that I had that gift earlier this year), but where does that fit in in my future? And discernment? So I know if someone is teaching false doctrine... what does that say about my ministry in the future? Leadership makes sense in whatever path I choose. I'm just a leader type. I'll be in charge, (NYA HA HAHAHAHAHAHA LOL ) and administrating in some small capacity all at the same time.

Ok... I'm still confused! *SIGH*

Jesus, I'd really like it if you would come down here and comment on my blog with some clear direction. "Rebecca, you will be a Christian artist." "Rebecca, you will be a Christian author." "Rebecca, you will be a missionary." "Rebecca, you will be a Pastor's wife." etc... something! anything! Just tell me!

The waiting is killing me...

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

How could I forget?

I told you there was an important flaw to my musings! The finite human brain. I just remembered a very important passion of mine. Music! Especially singing. I was very young (not sure how old) when I sang my first duet with my mom in church, and one of my favorite memories was of being in a Patch the Pirate play at either the church or school (they were so closely linked, my memories blur there too sometimes) and singing a duet with my Uncle Tim. He was Patch, and I was Pixie.
Oh, and that brings to mind another favorite thing... acting!! I began doing that very young as well. 1rst or 2nd grade? I was in school plays and church plays, Christmas plays and Easter plays. And if the acting involved a singing part, so much the better! I think this would have gone much farther had I been involved in a public school, or local theater. I was in Christian School, and then pulled out for homeschooling, so I didn't have many opportunities to develop my acting skills. I did think about going to Northland Baptist Bible College (even sent them my ACT scores) and majoring in music and acting. I loved their traveling music and acting groups.
I did learn to play the piano, however. I mostly taught myself for the sheer joy of it, but did have a few years of lessons in middle school (that I hated!) and one year of lessons at Mount Union College my Senior year in high school (that I loved!). Piano is fun, but singing is my joy. Years of baggage pile up, and I deal with depression now, but there was a time when I sang every minute of the day, and I'm not kidding. I still sing very often, and get caught doing it at the oddest times. People look at me funny when I'm out shopping!
I also enjoyed learned clarinet during middle school, but once again never did much with it because I was not in a school with a marching band. (Trying not to sound bitter, but I do have many regrets about my high school years.) Had the opportunity presented (or perhaps if it ever does?) I would have loved to learn violin, saxophone, french horn, and guitar. I do own a guitar now, and still wish to learn how to play it as well as the drums.
Most recently I have greatly desired to be a worship leader, and to even make a CD. I wish to take voice lessons, keyboard lessons, and guitar lessons so that I am much more rounded musically, and then pursue this. I hesitate now. I love being on the worship team at church. LOVE IT with a passion. But is it my purpose?
Ok... don't get me wrong. I don't want to sound like the Christian who is all whiny and wondering what God's will is for her life. (Ok, maybe I kinda am in a way)
It's kind of like this.
I asked God one day about two months ago about some of my current dreams.... Like being a PartyLite RVP, Being a Worship leader, writing a book, going back to college for cosmetology, law, or business school, or whatever else. How do I choose? Is there another option I don't know about? He replied something I already knew. "You are living in grace. As long as I am with you it is my will. Imagine you are standing in the middle of a field and there's forest on one side, ocean on the other, prairie in front of you and jungle paradise behind you. Turn any way you want and run as fast as you can and I will be with you."
So I know that the question is not the what, it is the whom. However, the key thing here is that when I choose what to run to, it's a whole lot better if it's something I really desire. And even better yet, if I'm abiding in Christ and He's abiding in me, it's very likely that what I desire is going to be what he desires for me, so that when I run it will be with reckless abandon, and with no glancing back and no regrets. Herein lies the problem. I don't know what to choose. I don't have purpose. I truly have no vision. I absolutely have no idea whether I prefer ocean to jungle, forest to prairie, or viseversa. I have no clue. Somewhere in my subconscious mind I may have an inkling, but I wouldn't be writing blog after blog about this subject if I knew.
What am I made for? What will bring Rebecca the greatest joy and fulfillment in the whole wide world when she finds it? What can Jesus and I run to with the certainty that we can stay there until death?

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Vision, Purpose, Dreams, and Goals

I read Pastor Tim's blog the other day, and I realized that I don't have a vision. I have long lists of goals that I want to accomplish (yep! I have an amazing life list!), but if I were honest with myself, I have no idea where I will be when they are accomplished. They are all great things of course, but what is their purpose? Beyond that, what is my real place in the world? What is my purpose in existence? I'm 25 years old, and I don't know what I'm supposed to be when I grow up. I know a million things that I'd like to be, that I'm interested in being, that I may even have a passion about being, but what is my niche? Even more important, where does God want me? Did he screw up when he made me? Am I an accident? If I were made for a purpose, wouldn't I know it by now? My husband is called to the ministry... he knows it. He knew it shortly after he got saved. He has the gift of teaching, an amazing ability to preach, and a huge heart for most anything ministry including missions. I don't know my gifts, I don't know my abilities, and don't really know where my heart lies. Is it in the church? Is it in the home? Is it in a secular job? Just because he's in the ministry doesn't mean I have to be... But at the same time because he is I may be... I'm musically talented, but is that my gift? I don't know. I've often dreamed of being a worship leader, but is that God's dream for me or mine? Most of my goals are silly ones like learning how to ride a motorcycle, quilting my first quilt, flying a plane, bungee jumping, going on a Mediterranean cruise, getting a full body massage, making more married friends so we can go out more, going back to college someday, etc... But what do they really accomplish except giving me a few more experiences? I thought that being a Party Lite consultant would be the it job for me... but I'm already feeling bored with it. (could be from the depression, who knows!) Seems like it always goes like that for me... I do something for 3-6 months and then I want to move on. You could blame it on a restless spirit, you could call me a quitter, but I say it's because I haven't yet found my calling. I think about what to do next... cosmetology school, law school, business school, to name a few of my often thought about options, and I can't decide which one I'd be happiest doing... which one I'd stick too. Which one would I get a degree in and get certified in and actually do something with? I got a degree in medical assisting. I never got certified. I was so bored with it by the time it was almost over that almost quit before I graduated. (It wasn't much of a challenge either...) So here's the deal... I could keep going from thing to thing, trying this and that, getting bored, being unchallenged, or whatever the case may be.... OR I could actually find my vision. My God-given dream. I really don't feel like I have one. I don't think I do. I talked to Pastor about it, and he said that it's in there, but it's buried deep under all the baggage of life. Somewhere deep inside me is the dream that God gave me when I was a little girl, long before I was tainted by the world, others, and my self. Before I was even saved, God gave me a dream. Now I have to resurrect it somehow. How? I'm not sure. But I have to. I have no choice. I refuse to live my life feeling worthless, and purposeless, without place or vision. I may be a mostly happy and optimistic person most of the time, but if you don't have vision, your gonna end up down in the dumps. Vision is why you move forward. Vision is why you don't quit. I don't have that. Nope. Don't have it.
I'm supposed to read DreamGiver by Bruce Wilkinson. I mooched it from BookMooch, and should have it by the end of next week.