Better Is One Day

Better is one day in your courts, better is one day in your house. Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere.

That song hit me hard on Sunday. Here I am stressing about all of this stuff on purpose, and I was singing about the one thing that truly makes me happy. If church was everyday, I'd be there everyday. I know the song is specifically singing specifically about spending time in Jesus' presence, but all I could think about was how much joy is found at church. How strong his presence is there. How free I am to worship there. How many friends I have there. How many lives are changing for the better there. The growth. The fellowship. The love. Jesus. The Spirit of God. The unity. The family. The teaching. I could go on and on. Best of all, I love how I've grown personally, how people care about me, and how I have ministries that I am involved in that touch other people. I help people to worship every week! I have watched a church grow in worship over the last few years, and although it should in no way be credited to me (Glory to Jesus and His Holy Spirit, and what an amazing worship team and band we have!!), I have had a part in it! It is an awesome feeling. And I get to make the missionaries feel super special when they come in. That is a real treat! I love it. Really, everything else could just go away, and I'd stay there in those moments forever.

Chris says this is another sign that I'm called to ministry. *SHRUG*

I'm going to start working at ElderBeerman. I got the job! I know I'll like it... I've been looking forward to it so much. I'm just not certain that it will give me the same joy and fulfillment... Will I be satisfied there? Do I want to be satisfied there? Don't get me wrong, I will give them my all, 100%! It's what I do! I love clothes, I love retail, and I love ElderBeerman! But if I'm truly made for something else, I'm just afraid that I'll still feel like something is missing...

No fair...

Have you ever been in a place where you just knew God was going to do something really huge, and you are anticipating it, begging for it, and can almost taste it... but then he points the finger of conviction on you and says that there's something you are doing that is keeping the something really huge from happening? Been there, done that - yesterday morning in Sunday School.
We have been praying for the Holy Spirit to do something amazing in our church for a while, and in keeping with that my husband has been teaching on the Holy Spirit and revivals in Sunday School for several months. It just gets more and more exciting with every passing week as we think about what God has done and what he can do. The last three weeks I have felt inside of me an intensity of passion for Christ and what he is going to do in our church like I have never felt before. I'm experiencing worship in a whole new way, and I am sure that others are feeling the same way.
But then as my husband read of missionary Jonathan Goforth restoring a relationship with another missionary, my heart began pounding with conviction. There was something in my life that wasn't right. Somewhere that I was prideful and refusing to admit my fault. Someone that I claim to love dearly that I was hurting very much. And as Goforth's obedience to God brought about revival, so to would my obedience to God lead us one step closer to what he has for us as a church.
I confess, I am too prideful, too stubborn, and too focused on getting my own way, and on top of that I have a certain unwillingness to admit any wrong on my part when I feel that I have been wronged in the first place.
I wanted to make it right as soon as possible, I really did...
Revival starts in the individual hearts of men; revival starts with confessing of sin; revival starts with apologies and forgiveness to others even when you think that you are in the right. Revival brings unity, and that unity can't be had when we are not showing real love for one another.
I know this and yet I held back all day yesterday from what I knew I needed to do.
This morning in my Bible reading I read in my Bible something that I really wanted to be true for me. I prayed about it, and God reminded me about that little issue I needed to take care of with that certain someone.
NO FAIR, God.
It has become obvious to me that any further spiritual growth will be severely stunted until I make this matter right.
Caught between pride and my desire for Christ.
How surrendered am I?
So I called this person and told them that it was imperative that I speak with them tonight.
I'm afraid. Afraid to admit my faults. Afraid that this person who of course is not blind to my imperfections will not only be unwilling to accept my apology, but be full of other short comings that have not even been brought to my attention at this time.
I can't do this, but Jesus can. He wants me to do it, so he must be planning on being there for it.
I guess that will have to be my consolation for now...