My desire ~ What I want

What do I want? I desire to be that person who is embraced and ravished by the sun rather than irritated by it's scorching presence. I want to be the one who stretches out her arms and invites the gentle rain to saturate her entire being rather than muttering course words as each water droplet leaves it's mark. Storms? What are they but an accompaniment to my heart's pounding soliloquy? Wind is but the blowing of my soul pulling me to the next destination in my journey. "No grievance with the day" would be the motto here. Yes, even wintry blizzards in their harsh extremes would stir the upward motion of my lips into the greatest of delighted looks. Do I mean Content? Is that enough? Merely content? Not I! To content, add thankful, grateful, happy, blessed! And seeking still beyond for life abundant, life so free. Freedom to laugh in the face of fate whatever that might be simply for enjoyment and pleasure. Yes, That is what I desire. To taste everything, and to share it. To share it with all who do not know how. To the one who cowers from the sun, to the one who shrinks from the rain, to the one who fears the storm and shivers in the blizzards, to YOU, I wish to share my freedom and joy and gratefulness in life. This I desire. Passion... yes, passion too. Passion for HIM, for the reason for my existence. And I share his passion, to set captives free. Freedom is my passion. Freedom above all else. It is for these freed ones who do not know they are free that I am so emblazoned. Yes! Galatians 5:1 is my cry and I feel it deeply. I see the chains as if they were real, I hear the clinking. The yoke of bondage of which Paul speaks has a hold of so many, so many. And it is then that I allow myself to grieve. It is then that I weep. I, the one who is content, thankful, happy, blessed, free, who is ever longing to be at utter abandon at my Lover's feet and not concerned with the doubts and worries of life, WEEP. It is then that I realize that I my path is not one of flippant disregard of all things.. it is a path of deepest regard. There are those who may not think so (Even I, myself, have not thought so!), but I care more deeply than most. I love more deeply. I share His heart. For in enjoying creation I have developed a love for it. A love for his people. Freedom brings with it a price, a price of being willing to lay down one's life to give it to others. Ahhh, that word... surrender... it again finds me. And here I am with the striking awareness that my future will not be exactly as I thought. It will not be exactly as others thought. It will not necessarily be easy, and it will not always be pretty. It will be my hearts desire, it will be my passion, and that is what matters above all. It will be following that inner voice whom I love more dearly than anything in the world, and He is above all voices. And I am fairly sure that it will be the hardest thing I've ever done. Yes. I will be my own worst enemy in this. And I can already number my enemies before I begin. I am scared. But I can count my supporters. And I know what I desire. I know who I desire to be. And I know WHOM I desire. What else matters? When it comes down to it, I have a choice and I can choose anything. I AM FREE! But which choice will bring me closer to the woman I wish to see in the mirror at the end of the day? Ahh, this is the question. And so I am excited. An adventure awaits. How it will be accomplished, I do not know. It is a journey and I will be swept along in this chapter just as the last!

Loved with an amazing love

In constant flux.. ever changing, growing, becoming, discovering. Fearless! Yet filled with trepidation. Anticipating! Yet hanging back in the shadows doubting... The voices in my head fighting for attention, "Go this way and that way!", pointing their fingers and shaking them when they disapprove. Smiling and nodding when they are proud. And then there is Your voice and it is STUNNING. I am locked in your gaze. I can't believe your words, or can I? They come when I most need them as you say that I am PERFECT and beautiful. And exactly as you DESIRE me to be. You breathe the words in a way that I cannot deny them even if I try.... fear fades away. The doubt fades away. In those moments I am as one chained, enslaved to you, your words mean all and all others pale in comparison. I am loved and that is all that matters! Then glancing at my feet I realize I am still as free as I always was. One look into your loving eyes confirms it. WOW. What is a girl to do when lavished with such love and trust? Fly, that's what! Fly back out and conquer it all with his words propelling me onward!

Jaded, Doubting, Uncertain... Yet He is there

And He SHINES on me. He warms me. He awes me. The tears come to my eyes and I try to hold them back.. I won't weep, I refuse to weep when I am this angry, this hurt, this betrayed. And yet... He is there. He is patient. Ever reminding me in little ways and big ways of his ardent passion for me. He has never left me. He never abandoned me. It is me who is turning my head away from his romantic melody. I am the doubter, he is the wooer. And he never gives up. How can I not melt when he is this amazing in his romance? How can I not forgive him for something he never even did to me... I am holding a grudge against an innocent lover... because I don't fully understand him. He says he wants me to have the most marvelous, amazing, happy, joyful and wonderful life and here I am wanting instant proof of that life and railing against him at the slightest sign of a storm. And yet... it is the moments with him that are the most marvelous, amazing, happy, joyful and wonderful. I am ruined for anyone else. I cannot be happy anywhere else but with him, in his arms.



Thank you Steve McVey for posting this song today because it struck a chord with all that I have been struggling with in my walk.

Opportunity --- Seize the day or Walk Away?

Once in a lifetime the opportunity comes To leap from the comfort of the everyday Into the possibilities of the future. But what we do in that moment makes all the difference. Do we run and hide in terror at the thought of the unknown? Do we pretend everything is the same and go on As if oblivious to the new pathway? Do we question and research this avenue Yet refuse to act upon our knowledge? Do we beg the advice of those around us Allowing them to make our decisions Rather than listening to the voice of our own heart, Or do we cast aside the hum drum of our normal routine And embrace this new venture wholeheartedly? THIS choice makes all the difference in future fulfillment. Abundant life is offered freely, but when such freedom is refused.... What good can it bring to one's existence? Fears are lies. Worries are enemies. Anxiety is a phantom. The wall is an imaginary construct waiting to be crushed. So chase that dream with all your heart. GO! Make it yours while you can. You can grasp it if you only choose to do so. It lies with in you.

Great 8 Competencies

According to Enneagram research, 7s fall into this category of the Great 8 Competencies (a personality profile I had never heard of before, but will have to look into further.)

Interacting and presenting

Interacting and presenting comprises three sets of competencies. First, relating and networking entails relating and networking, building rapport, networking, relating across levels, managing conflict, and using humor. Second, persuading and influencing entails making an impact, shaping conversations, appealing to emotions, promoting ideas, negotiating, gaining agreement, and dealing with political issues. Third, presenting and communicating information includes speaking fluently, explaining concepts and opinions, articulating key points of an argument, presenting and public speaking, projecting credibility, and responding to an audience.

Career test results

These are the personality types in Dr. John Holland's theory of careers and vocational choice:

Realistic: practical, physical, concrete, hands-on, machine, and tool-oriented
Investigative: analytical, intellectual, scientific, explorative, thinker
Artistic: creative, original, independent, chaotic, inventive, media, graphics, and text
Social: cooperative, supporting, helping, healing/nurturing, teaching
Enterprising: competitive environments, leadership, persuading, status
Conventional: detail-oriented, organizing, clerical

My results from the test (which I am not entirely thrilled about!):
You preferred 'Investigative' the most, followed by 'Enterprising' and 'Artistic'. Your six letter personality type is 'IEACRS'. Your personal preference is also shown in a graph below.





Your personal Holland Code:

Depending on how strongly you favor any specific type you can compose your own personal Holland Code. You do this by taking the first letters of the types you favor most. In your case, this is the letters I, E and A Your personal Holland Code then becomes either IEA, IE, EI or even EIA.

Recommended jobs:

Architect
Journalist
Lawyer
Judge
Mechanical engineering technician
Logistics manager
Web developer
University researcher
General practitioner
Secondary school manager
HR manager
Police inspector
Veterinary practitioner
Estate agent
Socialphotographer
Civil engineering technician.

Big 5 tests compared;

Today's results: high extraversion, low agreeableness, low conscientiousness, high neuroticism, and high openness to experience. Soooo... I have changed a bit here and there in the conscientiousness and neuroticism categories. or else perhaps I was just more honest with myself today. :p

Comparing my '08 results with my current results:

Extraversion

Same score, however my activity level is down from 94% in '08 to 61% in '11 and my cheerfulness is down from 97% to 91%

Agreeableness

I was low in this both times I took the test, however I dropped from 25% in '08 to 0% currently. Hmmm... I am apparently a very disagreeable person.
My score went down in all levels except trust which went from 66% to 79%.
The greatest drop was in altruism: 64% down to 3%

Conscientiousness
another BIG drop here.. from 44% down to 8%. However, my self-efficacy increased 4% to 89%.
I am less dutiful than ever dropping from 33% to 0!!!
Basically, all other categories are lower, including SURPRISE! achievement-striving which dropped from 84% to 47%.

Neuroticism

Increase here from 58% to 76%

Only category that is down is depression. YAY! However, anxiety and anger are at new highs... I've increased my immoderation and vulnerability significantly as well. Still not self-conscious - Holding at 1%

Openness to Experience

Higher score by 4%, Imagination is down 2%, intellect dropped a few points, liberalism jumped from 0 to a whopping 43%!! Wow! Overall, scores are relatively the same in this category.