My spiritual journey: moments of clarity, ponderings, and vast irritations

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I've found it... Or perhaps it found me.

Sometimes God smacks you in the head with the thing you've been searching for, and then you realize that you've actually known it all along... Yeah, about that.


I've made this all very hard on myself.

To the point of driving my self, my family, my friends, and even the whole world crazy with my searching for purpose. I quit writing on here for a while, because honestly, I felt like I was just spinning in circles with no end in sight. I pretty much gave up.

Funny, I've heard people say that when you stop searching, you find your answer, and it must be true.

I believed with all my heart that there was something for me, but it was just too hard to find.

Then on September 27th we had the privilege to go to a Michelle Tumes concert. Totally amazing! My friend Gail won tickets, and my husband and I were the lucky two that went with her and Tim.

Sitting there listening to her from the third row back right (I had an amazing view of her at the grand piano!) I was overcome by this emotion I couldn't put my finger on, but somehow I couldn't fully enjoy the concert. Oh, I loved the music, but something was wrong. Then it hit me. I wanted to BE her. I wanted to do what she was doing. I thought to myself.... "Is singing in front of people really my purpose?" Hmmm.... I tried to ignore the feeling, but couldn't quite shake it. Then she said something that pierced my heart. She said that she used to be too shy to get up in front of all those people and share the songs that she had written, but God told her that he didn't give them to her for her to keep, but to give away. So she started to sing them for others. Wow. I was like so convicted. Chris even knew it and looked at me.

I've been writing songs off and on since I was 17, nothing extremely spectacular I suppose, but a few good ones. In fact a couple from last year/early this year were pretty good. Problem though... I'm terrified to sing them to anyone. I'm scared of what they'll think. Don't want to hear the criticism that I'm sure will follow, etc. I'll sometimes sing them to Chris, but if I get the feeling he doesn't like it, I completely shut down. (he doesn't get blank verse poetry, so often it stops right there... I write a lot of blank verse!) I figure if my own husband doesn't like it, nobody will. That doesn't factor in that he knows nothing about music... and perhaps just doesn't like the style and that somebody else might. I just keep it all to myself. I know that God gave them to me, but....

I couldn't stop thinking about this. Several days went by. Michelle Tumes songs were in my head at night, in the morning, while I was working, just ALL the time!! Finally, I sat down at the piano and started to play, and ended up rewriting a song that I had written before and it came out absolutely fantastic! Stranger still Chris actually loved it! He cried! The next day with another Michelle Tumes melody in my head I sat down to play it, and ended up playing something totally different and unique. It turned into a brand new song. It made me cry. Since then I've written 3 more new ones, one of which still needs some work, and I'm tweaking a couple old ones, as well as working on melodies for a couple of love poems I wrote when I was a teenager.

I told Chris after that first song that I finally knew my purpose. It's to do what Michelle Tumes does.... The Rebecca Dennison way, of course! I'm supposed to write music, sing and play, perform, basically do the thing that makes me the most fulfilled!

Here I was trying to figure out how to choose between the gift of writing and the gift of music, when I can have my cake and eat it too!!!!

Another funny thing.... I've always heard the full orchestra accompanying me when I played the piano... even when I was a beginner. And no I wasn't crazy, I just knew they should be there filling in the gaps... making the music beautiful, passionate, amazing! Oh my! I couldn't believe it when it hit me... Michelle Tumes uses an orchestra.... That's what I'm supposed to do... My music is supposed to be fully orchestrated! Isn't that crazy? From a kid I've somehow known that!

Chris said that when he heard me play my song Arms of Love he heard the orchestra. Yay! Success! Someone else heard it! Of course there are a few songs that are more keys/drums/guitar, or just piano style.

Anyway, I'm just super excited skipping on clouds! Thanks Jesus for telling me something I should have known already! As many times as I've written a song, and felt so elated afterward... why didn't I figure this out? As much as I love to play the keys in the band... as much as I love to sing in the worship team... how did I not just KNOW?

So, I'm trying to get financial aid to go to Akron U for music composition. I figure that would be of the best help for me. I'll learn how to write all that orchestration stuff. ;0) Plus brush up on piano and vocals while I'm at it.