Jaded, Doubting, Uncertain... Yet He is there

And He SHINES on me. He warms me. He awes me. The tears come to my eyes and I try to hold them back.. I won't weep, I refuse to weep when I am this angry, this hurt, this betrayed. And yet... He is there. He is patient. Ever reminding me in little ways and big ways of his ardent passion for me. He has never left me. He never abandoned me. It is me who is turning my head away from his romantic melody. I am the doubter, he is the wooer. And he never gives up. How can I not melt when he is this amazing in his romance? How can I not forgive him for something he never even did to me... I am holding a grudge against an innocent lover... because I don't fully understand him. He says he wants me to have the most marvelous, amazing, happy, joyful and wonderful life and here I am wanting instant proof of that life and railing against him at the slightest sign of a storm. And yet... it is the moments with him that are the most marvelous, amazing, happy, joyful and wonderful. I am ruined for anyone else. I cannot be happy anywhere else but with him, in his arms.



Thank you Steve McVey for posting this song today because it struck a chord with all that I have been struggling with in my walk.

Purpose Statement Revised Again... :)

“My purpose is to use my effervescence and people skills through writing, music, and personal relationships to guide, to inspire, and to lead others to realize their identity in Christ, to find their purpose, and to enter into the freedom of worshiping God in utter abandon.”

Always a work in progress!

Is it passion or curiosity?

When I finished reading chapter 7 of Christian Coaching it got me thinking about passions. What am I passionate about? Is this life coaching thing another rabbit trail in my journey, or is it going to be something that ignites a flame inside me? It's somewhat hard to tell this early into it. Sometimes our passions are locked away deep inside waiting to be discovered! Right now, I think I'm curious. But I'm curious about a lot of things that I could never envision myself doing for the rest of my life. :)
There are things that I know about me: I KNOW I'm passionate about my music. I KNOW that I want a college degree, and I KNOW I love psychology and that I am enjoying this class leaps and bounds above the counseling classes. It's much more my thing than that was!
But after that it's kinda hazy....
Is it what I wanna do the rest of my life or what I can simply "see myself doing'?
Is it going to make me happy or leave me truly fulfilled?
Is it going to just suit my personality or is it going to place me into that perfect niche that God created me for?
Will I be living out my dreams?
Is it passion or curiosity?

Passion

Passion is the heart set free to pursue that which is truly worthy. Those who set their hearts on what is most worthy - the glory of God - live with joy-filled abandon. Their hearts are both seized and satisfied with the ambition for Jesus to be ardently worshiped. That love comes to dominate and integrate all other desires so that they live in the freedom of single-minded pupose. -Taken from Perspectives Study Guide

Love this!! It so embodies my personal pupose statement (which I haven't posted on here... will get to that evenutally)

Being in a dry place

Passion! Fire! Excitement! Joy! Oh, what splendors at the master's feet! How thrilling to be soaking up new and wondrous things every time you turn around! Abandoned in worship, fulfilled in love, steeped in desire for your Saviour, every day is a brand new chance to fall in love deeper and know him more fully. There are constantly chances to pour out on others around you, to minister Christ!

Let it never end!

Sigh.

Then it does.

Does it have to? Should it? Is there something wrong with me? What's going on? Why did this happen? When did it change? When will it be like it was again? Is there sin in my life? Did Jesus leave me? Did I leave him? On and on the questions come to mind, the frustration, the hurt, the longing to go back...

So here I am once again in this dry desert place...

And I'm asking these questions once again...

And the answer comes to me! I have new things to learn that I've never learned before. Things I've never needed to know before. I have learned of the marvelous grace of Jesus, I have learned to bask in his precious love. I have learned to minister to others in worship in such a way that they are drawn to have what I have. I have learned to walk in such joy that even in sorrow and depression there is a song in my heart... a melody of praise to Jesus! I have been in a place where these truths were easy to obtain, where others were there to help spark my excitement. I have had little need of getting alone with God and searching for his face as he was so quickly revealed to me at any moment; so accessible like the very fingers on my hands.

Now we have moved away from my wonderful church family... away from that atmosphere where the Spirit so easily spoke with me. Away from the people I loved so dearly that I begged to know God better in order to lead them closer to Him...

Here I am just another person in the pew. Here I sit alone, no ministry of my own, and insignificant number among thousands. Here I look around at the faces of people who do not know how to worship, who do not know God... and I am saddened. Saddened because they cannot help lead me into that place of abandon to Jesus, and saddened because I cannot help them either. I'm hearing the same old same old stuff that I already know, no new tidbits to ponder, no deep truths to excite me. (ok, not entirely true... there have been some cool things, just not weekly like it used to be) I seem to have forgotten some of the things that were so real to me just months ago... something is lost, missing... but what?

And God whispers to me... 'learn to walk in the Spirit on your own... you won't always have others around you to encourage you in the Lord. You won't always have a ministry to plug into that causes you to desire me more. Sometimes you must bury yourself in my word, search for me with all your heart, yield yourself to a new chapter in our relationship... there is more to be had than you realize!'

Alone. Me and Jesus. Jesus and me. Alone together. No one else. A love that gets better with time, grows deeper the more that I know him. So it feels dry and dusty right now... doesn't mean I can't go into my own worship session at home. Doesn't mean I can't dig deeper into the word to learn something new. The truths of my Saviour can never be exhausted!! I was in a wonderful, passionate and intimate love relationship with him, and now I have entered a time of deepening friendship, of greater knowing of who he is. And from personal experience with my marriage, that can only lead to deeper passion and desire! If deeper friendship with my earthly husband leads to better romance, how much more getting to know my heavenly betrothed!! He is nothing but perfection!

So, this is not a cruel punishment from God, he's still with me like always! In fact in many ways it's the best thing to happen for me! What an opportunity to get to know Jesus better! It's time for me to realize that everything I need is right here inside of me right now in the form of the Spirit of God and that even if church gets utterly boring there is no boredom in Him! Even if I have no friends or family near by to talk about what Jesus is doing, I can talk to Him at any moment. He will never leave me or forsake me! Never never!! And even if there is no church ministry outlet for my overflowing cup, there is still the whole world!

I've found it... Or perhaps it found me.

Sometimes God smacks you in the head with the thing you've been searching for, and then you realize that you've actually known it all along... Yeah, about that.

Sigh.

I've made this all very hard on myself.

To the point of driving my self, my family, my friends, and even the whole world crazy with my searching for purpose. I quit writing on here for a while, because honestly, I felt like I was just spinning in circles with no end in sight. I pretty much gave up.

Funny, I've heard people say that when you stop searching, you find your answer, and it must be true.

I believed with all my heart that there was something for me, but it was just too hard to find.

Then on September 27th we had the privilege to go to a Michelle Tumes concert. Totally amazing! My friend Gail won tickets, and my husband and I were the lucky two that went with her and Tim.

Sitting there listening to her from the third row back right (I had an amazing view of her at the grand piano!) I was overcome by this emotion I couldn't put my finger on, but somehow I couldn't fully enjoy the concert. Oh, I loved the music, but something was wrong. Then it hit me. I wanted to BE her. I wanted to do what she was doing. I thought to myself.... "Is singing in front of people really my purpose?" Hmmm.... I tried to ignore the feeling, but couldn't quite shake it. Then she said something that pierced my heart. She said that she used to be too shy to get up in front of all those people and share the songs that she had written, but God told her that he didn't give them to her for her to keep, but to give away. So she started to sing them for others. Wow. I was like so convicted. Chris even knew it and looked at me.

I've been writing songs off and on since I was 17, nothing extremely spectacular I suppose, but a few good ones. In fact a couple from last year/early this year were pretty good. Problem though... I'm terrified to sing them to anyone. I'm scared of what they'll think. Don't want to hear the criticism that I'm sure will follow, etc. I'll sometimes sing them to Chris, but if I get the feeling he doesn't like it, I completely shut down. (he doesn't get blank verse poetry, so often it stops right there... I write a lot of blank verse!) I figure if my own husband doesn't like it, nobody will. That doesn't factor in that he knows nothing about music... and perhaps just doesn't like the style and that somebody else might. I just keep it all to myself. I know that God gave them to me, but....

I couldn't stop thinking about this. Several days went by. Michelle Tumes songs were in my head at night, in the morning, while I was working, just ALL the time!! Finally, I sat down at the piano and started to play, and ended up rewriting a song that I had written before and it came out absolutely fantastic! Stranger still Chris actually loved it! He cried! The next day with another Michelle Tumes melody in my head I sat down to play it, and ended up playing something totally different and unique. It turned into a brand new song. It made me cry. Since then I've written 3 more new ones, one of which still needs some work, and I'm tweaking a couple old ones, as well as working on melodies for a couple of love poems I wrote when I was a teenager.

I told Chris after that first song that I finally knew my purpose. It's to do what Michelle Tumes does.... The Rebecca Dennison way, of course! I'm supposed to write music, sing and play, perform, basically do the thing that makes me the most fulfilled!

Here I was trying to figure out how to choose between the gift of writing and the gift of music, when I can have my cake and eat it too!!!!

Another funny thing.... I've always heard the full orchestra accompanying me when I played the piano... even when I was a beginner. And no I wasn't crazy, I just knew they should be there filling in the gaps... making the music beautiful, passionate, amazing! Oh my! I couldn't believe it when it hit me... Michelle Tumes uses an orchestra.... That's what I'm supposed to do... My music is supposed to be fully orchestrated! Isn't that crazy? From a kid I've somehow known that!

Chris said that when he heard me play my song Arms of Love he heard the orchestra. Yay! Success! Someone else heard it! Of course there are a few songs that are more keys/drums/guitar, or just piano style.

Anyway, I'm just super excited skipping on clouds! Thanks Jesus for telling me something I should have known already! As many times as I've written a song, and felt so elated afterward... why didn't I figure this out? As much as I love to play the keys in the band... as much as I love to sing in the worship team... how did I not just KNOW?

So, I'm trying to get financial aid to go to Akron U for music composition. I figure that would be of the best help for me. I'll learn how to write all that orchestration stuff. ;0) Plus brush up on piano and vocals while I'm at it.

Yay!

I was born for this

Chapter 8 of the Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson is titled You Were Born for This. It has a few questions to go through to help to determine what your God-given dream/purpose is. So. What was I born for? After working through the questions, I'm still not certain, but in the spirit of keeping everything written down in one place for review at my leisure (you never know when something will just pop out at me one day and scream "DUH! How didn't you get this when you wrote it down!!!"), I will put all of the answers here in my blog.

1. "Think back to what you wanted to to while you were growing up. Don't settle for just the job description - a fireman, or movie star, or president. Think about what those roles meant to you then, and what they can reveal about your real interests and motivations now."

Hmm... I've already begun down this road a bit, but never with the question 'why did I want this career?' I would say curiosity, adventure, discovering something new, being the first to do something, and travel. As a marine biologist it was to discover new species of fish, and as an archaeologist it was to uncover lost civilizations. As a doctor it was to find the cure for cancer, or lupus, or some other disease. As a missionary or MAF pilot it was to discover lost tribes and learn unknown languages - to be the first to write their languages down, the first to give them a written passage of Scripture in their tongue. As a journalist it was to be a world traveler, to investigate everything, or as a novelist to learn about each subject everything that I could know even to the point of traveling there to see it myself. As a musician to travel and sing to crowds I didn't know, and as an actor to travel, and learn about time periods, people and places. There were also specific places that I just wanted to go to, and whole careers centered around that place. (such as Australian outback tour guide)

2. "Interview three people you respect, who you think are living their Dream. Ask them to share with you why they think you were put on this earth."

I really don't know many people who are living their dreams. I still have to properly respond to this question. I'll get back to you! I've asked a few people who aren't, and their responses range as follows: You are supposed to be a mother, you are supposed to be a missionary, you are supposed to be in sales somehow because you are good at convincing people, and you should be a writer.

3. "If Someone came along and gave you all the money you ever wanted, what would you do with it?"

I'd pay off our debts, buy a car, go to college for something (??? I'd start with general studies, and at least take physics and calculus, cuz I beat myself over the head all the time for not taking them my senior year) at which point I'd hopefully find direction for a major. I'd take voice lessons, keyboard/piano lessons, and guitar lessons, and probably classes in writing music (I'm very shy about the music I've written... I think a writing class would make me more confidant in sharing it with others). Perhaps I would record a CD at this point? I've thought about doing so. I would definitely travel (that Mediterranean cruise would be great!) to all the places that I've always wanted to go, all the places I've read about in books that I've never seen in person. (Don't worry, I'd write and tell you all about it!)

Bruce says that this is probably my dream. (minus the debt paying off, as this is just relieving the stress of life) I'm not convinced though.

4. What have I always been good at?

Reading, Communicating (talking, writing, etc), Music (singing, learning instruments), Cooking, learning (straight A student, and I LOVED school, and reading dictionaries, encyclopedias, medical journals, anything factual, as well as novels based in real life such as historical fiction), acting, story telling, people skills, sales/convincing others

5. What needs do I care about most?

Mine! ;0) Umm... I'd have to say the people at church growing closer in the Lord in worship. I have loved watching the church change from a church that sings songs in a "BLAH BLAH BLAH" fashion, to a church who praises God with passion. It makes me utterly happy!

6. Who do I admire most?

Uncle Tim because he conveys truth in a way that people can apply easily to their life.
Chris because his passion for Jesus is 'catchy!' I caught it from him
Aunt Sandy because she is a doer. She also has the gift of hospitality, and she knows how to use it. There's not a lazy bone in her body. I love her energy.

I used to have a ton of larger than life heroes, and I suppose, if I dig down deep I still admire them... I loved guys like David Livingston (My whole reason for wanting to go to Zambia!), C.T.Studd (one of my favorite quotes!), David Brainerd, George Mueller, and women like Amy Carmichael and Gladys Aylward. (the last three all because or the works they did with orphans.)
All of these were missionaries. All were great men. I wanted to be just like them. I actually did want to have an orphanage some day. I'd forgotten all about that!

7. What makes me feel most fulfilled?

Doing anything at the church. Currently it's worship team/band, but being in Sunday School is fulfilling to me, painting the church, church activities, talking to church people. It's all good!

8. What do I love to do the most?

Sing, play keyboard, and write blogs

9. What have I felt called to do?

I once felt called to be a worship leader, but I don't know if that was Jesus, or me just loving music so much.

10. Ask yourself what legacy you would like to leave for your children and grandchildren?

I don't really know. I've never thought about this before. I guess it's time to do some thinking.

How could I forget?

I told you there was an important flaw to my musings! The finite human brain. I just remembered a very important passion of mine. Music! Especially singing. I was very young (not sure how old) when I sang my first duet with my mom in church, and one of my favorite memories was of being in a Patch the Pirate play at either the church or school (they were so closely linked, my memories blur there too sometimes) and singing a duet with my Uncle Tim. He was Patch, and I was Pixie.
Oh, and that brings to mind another favorite thing... acting!! I began doing that very young as well. 1rst or 2nd grade? I was in school plays and church plays, Christmas plays and Easter plays. And if the acting involved a singing part, so much the better! I think this would have gone much farther had I been involved in a public school, or local theater. I was in Christian School, and then pulled out for homeschooling, so I didn't have many opportunities to develop my acting skills. I did think about going to Northland Baptist Bible College (even sent them my ACT scores) and majoring in music and acting. I loved their traveling music and acting groups.
I did learn to play the piano, however. I mostly taught myself for the sheer joy of it, but did have a few years of lessons in middle school (that I hated!) and one year of lessons at Mount Union College my Senior year in high school (that I loved!). Piano is fun, but singing is my joy. Years of baggage pile up, and I deal with depression now, but there was a time when I sang every minute of the day, and I'm not kidding. I still sing very often, and get caught doing it at the oddest times. People look at me funny when I'm out shopping!
I also enjoyed learned clarinet during middle school, but once again never did much with it because I was not in a school with a marching band. (Trying not to sound bitter, but I do have many regrets about my high school years.) Had the opportunity presented (or perhaps if it ever does?) I would have loved to learn violin, saxophone, french horn, and guitar. I do own a guitar now, and still wish to learn how to play it as well as the drums.
Most recently I have greatly desired to be a worship leader, and to even make a CD. I wish to take voice lessons, keyboard lessons, and guitar lessons so that I am much more rounded musically, and then pursue this. I hesitate now. I love being on the worship team at church. LOVE IT with a passion. But is it my purpose?
Ok... don't get me wrong. I don't want to sound like the Christian who is all whiny and wondering what God's will is for her life. (Ok, maybe I kinda am in a way)
It's kind of like this.
I asked God one day about two months ago about some of my current dreams.... Like being a PartyLite RVP, Being a Worship leader, writing a book, going back to college for cosmetology, law, or business school, or whatever else. How do I choose? Is there another option I don't know about? He replied something I already knew. "You are living in grace. As long as I am with you it is my will. Imagine you are standing in the middle of a field and there's forest on one side, ocean on the other, prairie in front of you and jungle paradise behind you. Turn any way you want and run as fast as you can and I will be with you."
So I know that the question is not the what, it is the whom. However, the key thing here is that when I choose what to run to, it's a whole lot better if it's something I really desire. And even better yet, if I'm abiding in Christ and He's abiding in me, it's very likely that what I desire is going to be what he desires for me, so that when I run it will be with reckless abandon, and with no glancing back and no regrets. Herein lies the problem. I don't know what to choose. I don't have purpose. I truly have no vision. I absolutely have no idea whether I prefer ocean to jungle, forest to prairie, or viseversa. I have no clue. Somewhere in my subconscious mind I may have an inkling, but I wouldn't be writing blog after blog about this subject if I knew.
What am I made for? What will bring Rebecca the greatest joy and fulfillment in the whole wide world when she finds it? What can Jesus and I run to with the certainty that we can stay there until death?

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta...." "I gotta..." "I gotta do something 'till I die!!"

Hmmm... Just what is that something? The song says "love one man 'till I die." That could be the obvious choice for me... my husband is a wonderful man, and many other wonderfully talented woman have chosen a man to be their entire purpose in life. I don't know though, it just doesn't seem like a wise choice. Having spent part of my life finding my fulfillment in marriage, and realizing that husbands do indeed fail you at times (Imagine!) I don't think that it would be a very good idea. Besides, I can only wonder what would happen if (not that I ever want to think about this...) my husband went home to Jesus and left me here. Then what would my purpose be? Would I lose all desire to live once again? I'd be back at the starting place, searching for a purpose, only by then I'd most likely have no desire to even try.

So what could my purpose be?

I've been trying to think back to when I was a child. What did I like? What did I love? What did I dream about? What made me happy? This is difficult for me to do, because all these memories are very mixed up with the things that other people said I liked/loved/wanted/found joy in, as well as the things they said I could not do that I then lost interest in. I know that it must be in there. Doesn't every kid have a dream?

The earliest thing that comes to mind for me is that I have always loved to read. I devoured every book I could get my hands on regardless of genre, and read well above my reading level. My earliest favorites were mysteries, including Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew in 1rst and 2nd grade. Then came my love for writing; first for poetry and journaling, then short stories and book reports, and finally even for research reports. More recently I have discovered the world of blogging, and I adore it! I have often wanted to write a book, I just never sat down and started one.

As a result of all of my reading, I had an extremely adventuristic spirit. I wanted to try everything. I wanted to be everything when I grew up! This becomes another smokescreen in determining my true heart as a child. Let's see... detective, airplane pilot, deep sea diver, owner of a palomino horse ranch in Montana, Australian Outback tour guide, cowgirl, Rich southern plantation owner, join the marines, archaeologist, lawyer, police officer, CEO of a major company, to name a few. Of course, this doesn't count the completely impossible fantasy/historical life careers either ;0) It's kinda hard to be a unicorn, faerie, dragon, Civil War Southern belle, Clipper Ship captain, Cleopatra, a Greek goddess, Renaissance lady, etc.

Along with the love of writing, I also found a love of history and science. History in part from reading historical fiction in part from school. History overlapped science in the field of archaeology and in the study of creation science. I loved it. I decided I wanted to go to college at the Institute for Creation Research. As we studied more and more I began to adore ocean life, and decided to go into marine biology instead, but still wanted to go to ICR and study creation science as well. I felt that every science field needed more of a creation influence. My parents were strongly against me going to ICR, and someone else said that marine biologists did more office work than field work. Being the people pleaser that I was, and the adventure seeker that I was, I began to look elsewhere. I found exactly what I was looking for in the study of anatomy. From that point on I wanted to be a doctor. It's all I focused on. I was not really encouraged into this field, other than by my science teacher and by my two grandfathers... one of them because he wanted me to take care of him when he got old, and the other because he said I could do anything that I set my mind to and he would support any decision I made. My parents again did not like my choice of college, but I did not have many Christian choices in choosing a secular career.

Now insert new complication... one summer at youth camp (7th grade?) I went forward to get saved, but the counselor convinced me that I already was (that was the year I should have gotten saved, rather than just a few years ago... she just wasn't thinking clearly or something). The following night was missionary night and I remember being under a ton of conviction and weeping to the song "Lord, Send Me Anywhere" I didn't know what it was, but I decided that since I was already saved I must be called to missions. From that point on I told everyone I was supposed to be a missionary... even to the point where in order to still be a doctor I decided to be a medical missionary. I really wanted to go to Africa, and later on to India.

This all confuses me very much, because I was very unsaved... but I truly did weep every time a missionary came to church. I really did want to go on missions trips, and I really was torn between being a doctor and being a missionary, to the point where I felt I had to make a choice between the two. I even had this weird vision thingie one year at camp meeting where I saw Indian faces all over the room looking at me and I was terrified and couldn't sleep. I thought it was God wanting me to go to India. Now I have no idea what it was about. Did I want to be a missionary because I was concerned for my own soul? Because I knew it was one thing that would make my parents and pastor happy? I have no idea.

Anyway, I sought a missionary husband. There was this guy I really liked, but I would only allow us to just be friends because he was called to be a church planter, not a missionary. Chris (my husband) and I had been friends for a while, and of course I knew that he planned on going to Ireland as a missionary, so naturally, when I married him, I figured that's what I would end up doing with my life.

We got married, found out I was faking being saved, then I got saved, we surrendered to be missionaries to Sri Lanka... but my heart wasn't in it. Why?

He was called to be a missionary. I wanted adventure. Mystery adventure, Romance adventure, History adventure, Science adventure. Meeting people kind of adventure. But what he was planning was real life ministry. When it didn't work out for us to go, I was secretly glad. I love that country, I love the people we met there. But I still don't know my purpose.

If I am indeed purposed by God to be a missionary, then I have not caught that vision since he has brought me into his family. If I should go to college and be a doctor after all this time, then that sure is complicated seeing as I have two small children to mother! Writing would be the easiest to accomplish...

Even now there is a flaw to these musings. I am likely to have completely missed the most important facts.

But here is the most important question. Even if I feel that I loved one of these the most, I cannot go forward with it. I cannot act upon it. Until God gives me the vision for my life. Until something strikes a chord deep within my innermost soul and the Spirit says, "Yes!" I cannot do anything at all but stay right where I am.

As of now, the song lyrics will have to be true of me...

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta love one man 'till I die"

And that man is Jesus. I man I can rely on and trust. A man who will never let me down. He will show me what I need to know in his time. I know he will, because I asked him too! I just need to focus on him, listen to him, wait on him... and can't help lovin' that man of mine!

Alive Fest

Alive Fest last night was amazing! I couldn't help but think as I walked down into that natural ampitheatre/hillside setting of Jesus feeding the five thousand. Wow what a miracle that must have been. I couldn't imagine feeding that many people with plenty of food, let alone one little lunch. There were so many people sitting and standing everywhere, all gathered in one heart, for one purpose... to worship Jesus! While we were waiting for the music to start, Reggie Dabbs had us laughing all the way to the most sneaky presentation of the gospel and of Christians getting right with God that I've ever heard. Wow! He was amazing. I was crying, and if there was a dry eye in the place I'd be amazed. A ton of people went forward to be prayed over. Here's this guy, just cracking jokes and having a good time with us and then "Bam!" the knife of conviction plunges into the heart and twists... OUCH! At one point I coud have sworn he was speaking directly to me, looking directly at me, despite the thousands of people there. That's the Holy Spirit, Baby! We saw Thousand Foot Krutch and TobyMac. What a great night of high energy rocking out and singing! The love of Christ was tangible all around, the excitement, the passion, the fervor. Here was a whole crowd of Jesus freaks dancing and shouting as one to their Saviour! I was blessed. I was convicted. I was in awe. Music is powerful, and as I listened I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me of so many things. (It was truly overwhelming!!) Of course, I also did my fair share of dancing and shouting (way up front by the band of course!) and hand raising, but in those last few TobyMac songs, I couldn't help but raise my hands to the stars in gratefulness with heart so full of love it could burst. I definitely plan on going back next year! (and thanks Shannon for taking me! It was a great birthday present!!)





http://reggiedabbsonline.com/
http://www.thousandfootkrutch.com/
http://www.tobymac.com/

Pour My Love On You

Pour My Love On You by Phillips Craig and Dean

Verse 1:
I don't know how to say exactly how I feel
And I can't begin to tell you what your love has meant
I'm lost for words
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
Lord, this is my desire
To pour my love on You

Chorus:
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you

Verse 2:
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
Lord, this is my desire
To pour my love on you

Chorus:
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you

Every time I hear this song, I find myself lost at the feet of Jesus... Lavishing my praise and love upon Him. This is my desire. I desire to take these precious moments of loving musical refrain and transform my life into one beautiful rapturous love song . Imagine, an entire life devoted only to falling at the feet of my Saviour and bestowing all that I am and all that I ever can be upon Him! I would spend every waking moment anticipating His every need and each hour that goes by in sleep filled with dreams of Him. To be so in love with Jesus that nothing else matters... it used to be so silly to think of such things. I'd hear people talk about it, see people who lived it, or read books by people who tell how to achieve it, and I'd think to myself that it was far to fanciful to be reality. And yet... there was this longing deep inside, this ache that I couldn't deny that longed for this relationship. Of course, it was the Holy Spirit living within me, awakening me to who Jesus really is. Jesus, the loving bridegroom who dotes upon his bride, and I the bride who ignores his every advance... Oh, how it grieved Him. Slowly, my eyes were opened and I tentatively reached out my hand to His. I found in that instant more love and acceptance than I ever dreamed possible! As my heart opened up to His, He poured His love into me. I can hear Him now as He sings to me:

I don't know how to say exactly how I feel
And I can't begin to tell you what your love has meant
I'm lost for words
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
this is my desire
To pour my love on You
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
this is my desire
To pour my love on you
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you

He loves me like that!!! How can I not echo back to him the refrain of mutual affection? How can I not desire to spend a lifetime getting to know the one who loves me with such ardent passion? Spirit, teach me more of this magnificent one who I am united with! Take this spark of desire and turn it into a burning flame for Jesus!