Garment of Praise!

Sometimes I wish that God would shelter us from all of the hardships of this life; in the moment it is so difficult, so painful. Yet looking back, I see the hand of God. I see the master potter shaping me for his purpose. I am reminded of the verse Isaiah 61:3, "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified." God turns all those sorrows into joy. He turns our bondage into freedom! And he deserves the glory for that. He is so worthy of it!

And he does not do this just for our benefit, oh no! He has a far greater purpose in mind! Isaiah goes on to say,

"And their seed shall be known among the Gentiles, and their offspring among the people: all that see them shall acknowledge them, that they are the seed which the LORD hath blessed. I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels. For as the earth bringeth forth her bud, and as the garden causeth the things that are sown in it to spring forth; so the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations" (9-11)

He does it to bring blessings to the world! we are blessed to be a blessing! Our salvation, our deliverance, our dependence of Christ, our joy, our peace, they are gifts from God not only to glorify him in us, but to glorify him to all the world!

That is how I think of counseling. I was blessed of God, now I have a marvelous opportunity to bless others--to bring them the garment of praise!

I've found it... Or perhaps it found me.

Sometimes God smacks you in the head with the thing you've been searching for, and then you realize that you've actually known it all along... Yeah, about that.

Sigh.

I've made this all very hard on myself.

To the point of driving my self, my family, my friends, and even the whole world crazy with my searching for purpose. I quit writing on here for a while, because honestly, I felt like I was just spinning in circles with no end in sight. I pretty much gave up.

Funny, I've heard people say that when you stop searching, you find your answer, and it must be true.

I believed with all my heart that there was something for me, but it was just too hard to find.

Then on September 27th we had the privilege to go to a Michelle Tumes concert. Totally amazing! My friend Gail won tickets, and my husband and I were the lucky two that went with her and Tim.

Sitting there listening to her from the third row back right (I had an amazing view of her at the grand piano!) I was overcome by this emotion I couldn't put my finger on, but somehow I couldn't fully enjoy the concert. Oh, I loved the music, but something was wrong. Then it hit me. I wanted to BE her. I wanted to do what she was doing. I thought to myself.... "Is singing in front of people really my purpose?" Hmmm.... I tried to ignore the feeling, but couldn't quite shake it. Then she said something that pierced my heart. She said that she used to be too shy to get up in front of all those people and share the songs that she had written, but God told her that he didn't give them to her for her to keep, but to give away. So she started to sing them for others. Wow. I was like so convicted. Chris even knew it and looked at me.

I've been writing songs off and on since I was 17, nothing extremely spectacular I suppose, but a few good ones. In fact a couple from last year/early this year were pretty good. Problem though... I'm terrified to sing them to anyone. I'm scared of what they'll think. Don't want to hear the criticism that I'm sure will follow, etc. I'll sometimes sing them to Chris, but if I get the feeling he doesn't like it, I completely shut down. (he doesn't get blank verse poetry, so often it stops right there... I write a lot of blank verse!) I figure if my own husband doesn't like it, nobody will. That doesn't factor in that he knows nothing about music... and perhaps just doesn't like the style and that somebody else might. I just keep it all to myself. I know that God gave them to me, but....

I couldn't stop thinking about this. Several days went by. Michelle Tumes songs were in my head at night, in the morning, while I was working, just ALL the time!! Finally, I sat down at the piano and started to play, and ended up rewriting a song that I had written before and it came out absolutely fantastic! Stranger still Chris actually loved it! He cried! The next day with another Michelle Tumes melody in my head I sat down to play it, and ended up playing something totally different and unique. It turned into a brand new song. It made me cry. Since then I've written 3 more new ones, one of which still needs some work, and I'm tweaking a couple old ones, as well as working on melodies for a couple of love poems I wrote when I was a teenager.

I told Chris after that first song that I finally knew my purpose. It's to do what Michelle Tumes does.... The Rebecca Dennison way, of course! I'm supposed to write music, sing and play, perform, basically do the thing that makes me the most fulfilled!

Here I was trying to figure out how to choose between the gift of writing and the gift of music, when I can have my cake and eat it too!!!!

Another funny thing.... I've always heard the full orchestra accompanying me when I played the piano... even when I was a beginner. And no I wasn't crazy, I just knew they should be there filling in the gaps... making the music beautiful, passionate, amazing! Oh my! I couldn't believe it when it hit me... Michelle Tumes uses an orchestra.... That's what I'm supposed to do... My music is supposed to be fully orchestrated! Isn't that crazy? From a kid I've somehow known that!

Chris said that when he heard me play my song Arms of Love he heard the orchestra. Yay! Success! Someone else heard it! Of course there are a few songs that are more keys/drums/guitar, or just piano style.

Anyway, I'm just super excited skipping on clouds! Thanks Jesus for telling me something I should have known already! As many times as I've written a song, and felt so elated afterward... why didn't I figure this out? As much as I love to play the keys in the band... as much as I love to sing in the worship team... how did I not just KNOW?

So, I'm trying to get financial aid to go to Akron U for music composition. I figure that would be of the best help for me. I'll learn how to write all that orchestration stuff. ;0) Plus brush up on piano and vocals while I'm at it.

Yay!

Blessed Beyond Measure!

As I said before, I've been focusing on the waves for way too long. Fear, anger, frustration, anxiety, depression: it's kinda where I've lived. Boy, have I been foolish to doubt God. God is so good to me. So good to my family. I mentioned some things that he has done for us in an earlier blog, but somehow even with my thankful attitude, it just wasn't enough. I still felt like I was drowning. Enter Jesus! (not that he had really left, of course!) He moved upon our church family to shower us in blessings. I think that I was touched more than I ever have been before. I felt surrounded in love, in hope, in peace, in comfort. I am not alone. Not only is Jesus still watching out for me, his church, his body, is also caring for me. I am blessed. I am blessed!!!

Ezekiel 34:26 And I will make them and the places round about my hill a blessing; and I will cause the shower to come down in his season; there shall be showers of blessing.

Yep, that's pretty much it.

So thank you Jesus, and thank you FBC!

Oh, and the little picture frame says,

A Blessing
May the windows of heaven open and pour out a blessing upon you. Malachi 3:10

Jesus, have you been reading my blog??

Hmmm... this is an odd thing. After sorta shaking my fist at God, then apologizing, then explaining myself, then crying out to him, yet still leaving pretty much upset, He has begun to show himself everywhere. It's almost as if He actually paid attention to me. Huh. Like, He cares? Wow! I shouldn't be so floored, it's not as if I'm totally new at this whole Christian life thing. I've seen Him do some pretty amazing things. The thing is, that when you've spent so long asking and getting nothing, you start to feel a little cynical, you know? And then when it actually happens, there's this part of you (that fleshy part... Nyah ha ha) that says you must be imagining things. But then there is this other part (that New Creation part!! YAY!) that jumps for joy at sight of her beloved coming to her rescue! Sigh, "I knew you would be here... you are just in time!"

And he is just in time. When all hope is gone, he restores my hope. When strength is gone, he becomes my strength. When all joy is gone, he bubbles up inside of me once again. And it may be only for a few moments, but it's enough to get me to the next oasis in this desert of learning.

So, to give credit where credit is due (names excluded to protect the innocent!! ;0) )... this past week I have had two job offers (one of them FANTASTIC!), an interview at a place where I've been begging God to get me into (funny thing about that is, if they call me I'm not sure if I'll take the job!), we've been given $100 by some random person at church (If I knew who you were, I'd give you a big hug!!!), $500 from a friend, groceries from another friend (cupboards were bare! she rocks!), pull-ups and a few groceries from a relative, and the creme-de-la-creme was the friend who changed our oil, filled up our gas tank, and then changed our front brakes and rotors! (not that they are any more special than the friend who bought us groceries, just that that was something that we have needed done desperately!)

So, thanks to all of them... Wow! They may or may not have any idea how much that was needed, but I want them to know how much it meant spiritually. It's been dry and dusty. And they were Jesus to us. To me! I saw Jesus in them.

But as I said, credit where credit is due... Jesus, I'm in awe. You said, I'd find you if I sought you with all my heart, and that's one thing I haven't quit doing. And sure enough here you are. And you are doing big things. Well, big to me from the perspective I'm in at this moment. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Now if you wouldn't mind taking care of a few other things... ;0) I have a list. And since you are reading my blog anyway, check out my whole purpose/vision struggle. I've been asking you for vision for over a month now! Hint. Hint.

Is it me, or is it you?

So here I am, going full speed ahead with my new career choice - Independent PartyLite Consultant - when I hit a speed bump. No... there aren't supposed to be obstacles in this business! Why? Because God told me to call Dawn (my leader the first time I started) and start booking parties. This is significant because two years ago I started with PartyLite because "I" wanted too. I was trying to make it work. I was trying to fix our financial situation, and I didn't consult God on it. This was one of my many mistakes before I finally surrendered to him, and needless to say it ended in utter failure. Honestly, I have wanted to try again for a while, but embarrassment and fear have held me back. Then a few months ago it got to the point where we really needed the income. I was not going to even consider PartyLite, but it kept coming up. Then one morning God woke me up and said, call Dawn and start PartyLite. So I talked to my husband and he was ok with it, and I immediately called Dawn.
The business that I knew was blessed by God took off so quickly. I had numerous bookings, lots of orders, and I hit bonus level sales in my first month. I was even asked to train at a meeting! Wow.
Here's where the speed bump comes in... this month I've had 5 cancellations, three of which were turned into small profit book shows, 1 never to be rescheduled, and 1 where the hostess just simply avoided my phone calls for two weeks. My sales this month are extremely low, and my calender is bare! Not for lack of trying of course, although this last bout with bronchitis slowed me down (losing my voice didn't help any!).
What's up with this? God started me down this path, and he knows how desperately we need this income. Why? My friend Shannon recently said that when something like losing a job/hard times come upon an unsaved person they just get angry, but when it happens to an saved person they start asking questions... Is it me? Am I in sin? Am I going the right direction? Am I in your will? Am I as surrendered to you as I think I am? What am I missing? Is it you God? Are you upset with me? Are you testing me? Are you trying to change my direction? What is going on????
That has been my question... is it me, or is it you? Search me O God and know my thoughts, try me and see if there be any wicked way in me... But if it's you, who can know the mind of God? I'm left in puzzlement, as I can't put my finger on anything...
But with Jabez, I beg God to bless me indeed!