Trapped or Free

Today I have a job interview. I am excited. I can almost taste what it is like to be back in the work place again! After 4 1/2 years of being home with children, I am headed back out into the world of 40 hours a week and Friday is payday. (I'm not dead set on 40 hours though... I'll probably start at 30 and see how it goes? We'll see) This is not really what I had planned at this stage in my life, as I was going to wait until both of my children were in school, but our financial situation demands it. Strange. I should feel forced into working, or angry... I should feel trapped. Why am I not feeling this emotion? For years I was trapped by being home all the time, when what I really wanted to do was work... yet for the love of my children, I stayed home. At the same time, I never wanted to work because I had too, and anytime it was brought up I felt forced into the situation... again trapped. I think for the first time in my life, I am realizing that I can choose how I feel. And when it comes down to it, I want to work. So why should I let my issues of being cornered into it affect my joy in this?
Chris preached on the word 'Trapped' in Sunday School yesterday, and the quote on the top of the page was "Freedom is Frightening." Yeah, it's kinda like that. I'm so used to the feelings and emotions of being trapped in my life... stuck in my circumstances... that old Mr. Fear comes along and says that I can never be free. I can never have joy. I can never let go of my depression. Mr. Fear says that there is no door to exit; the only solution to my problems is death. But what Mr. Fear doesn't know is that I am opening my eyes to something HUGE! I have the key to get out of that feeling. I have the key to change how I perceive a situation. I have the key to give thanks in all things - to see that silver lining on the cloud!
The first key is that God is sovereign in my situation! He foreordained it to happen. He knows what's going on. He sees it all. He saw me all of those years as I cared for my children while I felt lonely, unfulfilled, and without purpose. He sees our financial situation that would force me into finding a job sooner than I had planned. He knows. He sees. He brought it upon me! That is the second key. He brings things upon me to prepare me for the ministry that he has for me! Here I am excited about today, but also dreading it. Dreading escaping the box of my house, and fearing that I am just entering one more box at work. Is there really any freedom? What would I do with it if I were truly free? This is the wrong attitude. Jesus is bringing each circumstance into my life to shape me for that perfect plan He has in mind. He created me to do a specific something, and designed special circumstances to shape me into exactly what he had in mind. Everybody has an opinion on what they think about me going back to work... positive, negative and neutral... but the bottom line is that this is an experience God wants me to have right now for his glory in my life. The third key is that even if I feel alone, Jesus goes through everything I go through right along with me. The coolest thing that Chris said about feeling trapped was that 'When God is conspicuously absent it is when he is most omnisciently present." When I don't feel him, don't see him, and feel like I'm just going to have to figure things out on my own, He is still there. In fact, he is probably orchestrating circumstances so that I will look to him and tell him that I'm in over my head. He is just waiting for me to ask him to do things for me. He brings everything upon me to bring me to my face on his altar of surrender. He is ever there patiently waiting for the day that I stop playing tug-o-war and give each situation to him.
So here I am right now on the morning of my interview, and I want to do something I have never done before. Something that I am completely unable to do, but that I believe that Jesus wants me to do. I want to thank him for my life circumstances. I want to thank him for the years that I've stayed home with my children; there are so many memories that I will always cherish. I want to thank him for our financial situation. I have learned much about God's provision and faith. I want to thank him for allowing me to go back to work even though it is not in optimum circumstances in my life, he has a plan. And I want to surrender to him my future. I don't want to feel trapped any more by anything. It's such a silly emotion. I'm saved! I have Christ in me! In Christ is perfect liberty and freedom. I want to be able to give thanks in everything, and feel joy and freedom in everything. Chris said it was a choice - choose to complain and stay trapped, or choose to surrender and find freedom. I choose surrender.

Surrender and Tug-o-War

Why is surrender such a difficult concept? There are days, I will admit that this thing called surrender is like reaching for the apple on the very top of the tree without a ladder. Impossible. You can see it, you can taste it, and oh! how you want it, but no matter how much effort you put into jumping, stretching, climbing, and grabbing it just seems to taunt you from it's uppermost perch.
I have surrendered everything to God. I have knelt in my living room, and weeping given him all that I am. I thought that ended this whole dilemma. But wait. There was that little thing Jesus whispered into my ear as I wept.... something about there would be things that we would deal with together as I came to them? At the time I didn't think too much of it. I was on a spiritual high! Nothing could touch me.
And then that day came. There was something God wanted me to hand over that I wanted to keep. So ensued a game of tug-o-war, not very unlike the one leading up to that first day where I surrendered to him my all. What? How could this be? How can I be fighting for my rights when I've given them all up? And so I cried out to him, and released my end of the rope, not only in defeat, but in despair and guilt. And so the cycle went on. Sometimes I only tugged for a few hours, sometimes days, weeks, or months. Sometimes the game was played over the most trivial of issues, sometimes over things that felt like life or death to me. Eventually I would ask myself the question, "How surrendered are you really?" And the answer scared me. A surrendered Christian doesn't fight God kicking and screaming on every little thing, do they?
But what if.... what if he's touching my plans for my life? I know the plans for my life... they are great plans! They are going to take me places! I'm going to be somebody. But Jesus wants my plans. He wants to take everything. He says that he has great plans for my life too. Jeremiah 29:11NLT says, " For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. " That should be encouraging! And yet... what if I don't like his plan... his future... What if I don't like the thoughts that he has in mind for me? It feels like He is wrenching every little scrap of my life that I have to hold on to away from me. Why?
I know why. As I've gone through this cycle of tug-o-war, I've learned several lessons. First of all I've learned that there will always be one more thing in your life that you are holding back from Jesus, even if you don't know about it yet. Just about the time that I think I've finally dealt with every issue that could possibly be wrong, the Mirror shines my on my life and I see something else that I want to live in denial about. Secondly, Jesus doesn't want your stuff, your plans, your money, or your personality quirks that you are fighting so hard to keep. He just wants to see if you are willing to give them to him. What he really wants? Your life. So many times he asks me for something small, like giving up somewhere I go or something I do not because he doesn't like it, but just to see if I'll do it for him. He often returns the very thing that you give to him (i.e. Abraham sacrificing Isaac on Mt. Moriah!) The question is always "How surrendered are you really?" Thirdly, before surrendering everything to him in one huge weeping life-defining moment, you will never even be aware of all the little tug-o-war struggles. Here I am questioning my Christianity because I am fighting God over little things, when they are things that I wouldn't have even noticed before. I wouldn't have even spoken to God about an issue let alone struggled over it! I used to be all about running from God, and now I'm all about confronting God and eventually dealing with my issues. This is spiritual growth. Someday I hope that these confrontations will be more and more submissive and easier, but for now, I am hearing God speak to me, and I am aware of surrender as the ultimate goal. Fourthly, Jesus will take away everything that you depend on outside of Him. If anything takes his place in your life in any capacity, those are the areas in your life He will target first! Ouch!!! I speak from experience here, that these are the most painful areas to have removed. Lastly, the reason that surrender feels like jumping for that apple at the top of the tree that can never be reached is because it can't be reached. It is a gift just like everything else in our Christian lives. Jesus is the ladder, the tree, the apple, and the very life within us that allows us to climb up and finally place our hand around that apple and not only take a bite, but eventually devour every bit of that apple. And despite that fact that sometimes it may seem a bit sour, when we realize from whom it comes, it become the most delicious thing we have ever tasted.
Yes, I have learned these truths, but I did not say that I live them. I fail miserably. I still beat myself up with guilt at my failures. I still question God's plans. I still rely on myself to accomplish surrender. And here I am depressed, frustrated, angry, and who knows what else as I fight him yet again on something that to me is so huge that I dare not even blog about it...
I'm still looking for that miracle zap that will take me from struggling Christian growth to apostle Paul maturity. If you find it, please let me know?