My spiritual journey: moments of clarity, ponderings, and vast irritations

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Sorry

Ok... I must apologize to Jesus for whining... the hostess at the party tonight decided to start the business! I have the first person for my team! So, maybe I'm short in sales and bookings, but I'm one person closer to doubling my total income. That is what I've really been praying for after all. I've been praying for 6 team members so that I can be a unit leader. Perhaps my error was in not praying for bookings and sales as well? Silly me.
Yet, I know that he didn't mind all of my asking. ;0) It's part of the relationship communication. You have to ask questions to get answers. My answer was in my new team member. My answer was that Jesus is still in control, still loving me, and still blessing my life. Would I have still gotten that answer had I not asked the questions? Perhaps, but surely I would have missed the significance!

Is it me, or is it you?

So here I am, going full speed ahead with my new career choice - Independent PartyLite Consultant - when I hit a speed bump. No... there aren't supposed to be obstacles in this business! Why? Because God told me to call Dawn (my leader the first time I started) and start booking parties. This is significant because two years ago I started with PartyLite because "I" wanted too. I was trying to make it work. I was trying to fix our financial situation, and I didn't consult God on it. This was one of my many mistakes before I finally surrendered to him, and needless to say it ended in utter failure. Honestly, I have wanted to try again for a while, but embarrassment and fear have held me back. Then a few months ago it got to the point where we really needed the income. I was not going to even consider PartyLite, but it kept coming up. Then one morning God woke me up and said, call Dawn and start PartyLite. So I talked to my husband and he was ok with it, and I immediately called Dawn.
The business that I knew was blessed by God took off so quickly. I had numerous bookings, lots of orders, and I hit bonus level sales in my first month. I was even asked to train at a meeting! Wow.
Here's where the speed bump comes in... this month I've had 5 cancellations, three of which were turned into small profit book shows, 1 never to be rescheduled, and 1 where the hostess just simply avoided my phone calls for two weeks. My sales this month are extremely low, and my calender is bare! Not for lack of trying of course, although this last bout with bronchitis slowed me down (losing my voice didn't help any!).
What's up with this? God started me down this path, and he knows how desperately we need this income. Why? My friend Shannon recently said that when something like losing a job/hard times come upon an unsaved person they just get angry, but when it happens to an saved person they start asking questions... Is it me? Am I in sin? Am I going the right direction? Am I in your will? Am I as surrendered to you as I think I am? What am I missing? Is it you God? Are you upset with me? Are you testing me? Are you trying to change my direction? What is going on????
That has been my question... is it me, or is it you? Search me O God and know my thoughts, try me and see if there be any wicked way in me... But if it's you, who can know the mind of God? I'm left in puzzlement, as I can't put my finger on anything...
But with Jabez, I beg God to bless me indeed!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Pour My Love On You

Pour My Love On You by Phillips Craig and Dean

Verse 1:
I don't know how to say exactly how I feel
And I can't begin to tell you what your love has meant
I'm lost for words
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
Lord, this is my desire
To pour my love on You

Chorus:
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you

Verse 2:
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
Lord, this is my desire
To pour my love on you

Chorus:
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you

Every time I hear this song, I find myself lost at the feet of Jesus... Lavishing my praise and love upon Him. This is my desire. I desire to take these precious moments of loving musical refrain and transform my life into one beautiful rapturous love song . Imagine, an entire life devoted only to falling at the feet of my Saviour and bestowing all that I am and all that I ever can be upon Him! I would spend every waking moment anticipating His every need and each hour that goes by in sleep filled with dreams of Him. To be so in love with Jesus that nothing else matters... it used to be so silly to think of such things. I'd hear people talk about it, see people who lived it, or read books by people who tell how to achieve it, and I'd think to myself that it was far to fanciful to be reality. And yet... there was this longing deep inside, this ache that I couldn't deny that longed for this relationship. Of course, it was the Holy Spirit living within me, awakening me to who Jesus really is. Jesus, the loving bridegroom who dotes upon his bride, and I the bride who ignores his every advance... Oh, how it grieved Him. Slowly, my eyes were opened and I tentatively reached out my hand to His. I found in that instant more love and acceptance than I ever dreamed possible! As my heart opened up to His, He poured His love into me. I can hear Him now as He sings to me:

I don't know how to say exactly how I feel
And I can't begin to tell you what your love has meant
I'm lost for words
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
this is my desire
To pour my love on You
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
My dearest friend
this is my desire
To pour my love on you
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on you


He loves me like that!!! How can I not echo back to him the refrain of mutual affection? How can I not desire to spend a lifetime getting to know the one who loves me with such ardent passion? Spirit, teach me more of this magnificent one who I am united with! Take this spark of desire and turn it into a burning flame for Jesus!


Saturday, May 24, 2008

Prayer Warrior?

It's Saturday morning... And once again I'm home with the kids while my husband goes to prayer meeting. I'm jealous. Truly. I want to be there seeking God in corporate prayer with my church. Sometimes in my spirit I'm there... I'm praying with them. But then the kids start screaming and I'm back to reality that I'm home being a mother, not a prayer warrior.
Funny, but this never used to matter to me. I'd happily send my other half off on any spiritual adventure he chose all by himself hoping that no one would ask where I was, or, worse yet I would try and convince him to stay home with me for whatever reason I could concoct. What irony! All those days I made excuses to stay home, and now that I want to go I have a genuine reason why I have to stay! When you have prayer meeting at 8:00 AM on a Saturday morning it is extremely difficult to find a sitter... not only to people not want to get out of bed to pray, but who wants to get out of bed to watch someone else's kids?
So somewhere between my desire to turn my church upside down for Jesus and my responsibilities as a mother I have to find a balance. This is where God wants me. ;0) But I can still pray in between the frequent interruptions and despite the noise of Saturday morning cartoons! Does God hear me any less because it's not 'two or more gathered in my name' or because I'm not bending my knee in fervent, impassioned prayer? Nope! He sees my heart, he knows my desire, and he hears my every word.
This is just a season of time. My children will grow up and I will have lots of Saturdays to spend doing whatever I choose... Someday I'm sure I'll miss these mornings; just me and the kids, and stolen moments of whispered prayer. Perhaps I'll look back on it and find that I was more of a prayer warrior than I ever imagined.

Monday, May 19, 2008

What's Going On With Me

I have for some time wanted to begin a blog devoted entirely to my spiritual journey, separate from my myspace blog. After reading PT's blog I decided, why not today? God has been doing amazing things in our church, but that's not all... he's been doing incredible things in me. I've been saved now for 5 years and looking back at where I was to where I am I'm in awe! Jesus has made some marvelous transformations in me through His Spirit over the years, including bringing me to that wonderful time of surrendering all to Him a few years ago. But this is different... I feel inexplicably drawn to Him, to learn of Him, to sit at His feet, to do something for Him. I keep waking up in the morning thinking of Him, desiring to spend time with this One who for some reason is reaching out and desiring to spend time with me. The Spirit within me is begging me, yearning to reach out to a level of relationship that I've never been to before. To worship my Saviour like I never have. To develop intimacy that I never knew existed. Only now I know it's out there because He's invited me to it. Imagine! Being loved so much that my Jesus would come to me, that the Holy Spirit would talk to me and ask me to talk back! How can I not respond? Sometimes I wake up in the early morning, knowing that it is He that has woken me up... and I'm too tired to read His Word, and I'm too tired to pray, but just knowing that He wants to spend time with me is so amazing! I lay there and bask in his presence and just let Him know how much He means to me. Those times are so precious. It's better than the days when I'd set the alarm to wake up for those forced devotions when I'd rather be sleeping... now I go to sleep, almost hoping that He'll wake me up! The Word of God has opened up like never before as well... I think that I finally understand the verse where it says that the Spirit will teach you. He does!
My Desire. I said once that I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff and that I just needed to jump off. There's this whole world of Spiritual growth out there for me that I was afraid of for whatever reason, and the things that were holding me back were so trivial (although at the time they seemed so HUGE!) But then one day I realized that if it was good enough for Paul, and all the great men of the faith, and if it was important enough for Jesus to come to me about it then I just needed to let go. So I jumped! And I realized that there were things that I thought I had surrendered to Christ that I hadn't surrendered... so many things that I had held back. I had to let go of everything. You know what was awesome? I thought I was jumping into the unknown, but I was actually jumping into the hand of my Saviour! Not as fearsome as I had made it. My desire.... to stay here. To get more and more like Him! To allow Him to find all of the things in my life that don't belong there, the things that keep us from being as close as we possibly can. I want to serve Him, walk with Him, be in unity with Him, my hopes and my dreams to be His.
I can't wait to see what happens in this next year!
-I must mention that I feel I wouldn't be here at all if it weren't for my husband Christopher. ;0) Thanks for leading me to Jesus! And thanks for G.E.A.R. class. You've really taught me so much about these things. Every big step in my life has not been taken without much time in discussion with you!