thoughts on Darin's podcast free believers network 4/29/2010

Had this saved as a draft, just never published it:

Being conformed to the image of Christ is simply Christ freeing you to be fully yourself without the bondage of the world! The bondage falls away, and the true self that Christ created is free to shine! :) -me

we are created in His image! As the world is stripped away, as religion is stripped away, what is left is the perfect creation that reflects Christ himself!!

I thank Jesus all the time for revealing this to me... I was always afraid that as I gave myself to him he would force me to be something terrible, something that I had no desire to be! But I was SOO wrong!

Faith Without Works - It just ain't happenin'!

Let me start by saying that FAITH is what saves. Works has nothing to do with it. Sanctification is by FAITH. Works has nothing to do with that either. Yet, James says that faith without works is dead. What? Dead faith? I thought faith was life giving?
Well, of course faith is life giving! Faith comes from God! For by grace are you saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God. But faith without works is dead? Really? What does this mean?

As a grace person, I have questioned this many times. I know that there is no work for me to do. I know that the only 'work' that Christ has for us is to believe unto salvation. I know that there are no 'shall's and 'shall not's for the Christian. So what are these works?

They are simply the simple outflows of Christ! It is the fruit! By your fruit you will know them. These works are not something that we do, but something that Christ does through us! These works are not something for us, but something for others to see Christ! These works are evidence to a lost world that Christ has made a difference in our lives.

James 2:18 "Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works."

So, a random 'good person' walks up to a random 'good Christian.' The Christian says, "Hey, you need to get saved!!" The good person says, "Nah, I have good works, I don't need anything else. I'm ok." (like the man who told Jesus that he had kept the 10 commandments from his youth) The Christian insists that salvation comes by faith alone, and the good person says, "Sure, prove it! I'm living a good life, but you are just talking a good life."

Hmmm... So James says, "I will show you my faith! I will give visible evidence to you of my faith. You will see it in my works. But were they 'James' works?? Did James then strive harder and harder to achieve a Christ-like life? No, of course not. In fact, James was a total grace freak!!! SWEET! :)

James 1:25 But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.

Can I just say I'm losing it right now!!!!!! I have heard vs. 22-24 so many times 'be a doer, be a doer, yada yada yada. But WOW! James says those who walk in liberty, those who live totally absorbed in the precious grace of God, those people who are FREE indeed, are doers of the work! These people have looked at Grace, and not turned away. These people have looked at Christ and chosen to surrender all and abide in Him, and works are a natural outflow of that! Christ in us, leading us to work for His Kingdom. Some of these things are works we are not even conscious of until after the fact, some of them are things we choose to do at the Spirit's prompting, but all of them are for one purpose: to show our faith to the lost, that people will be saved and that God will get the glory!

Let's back up a bit: Faith is life-giving. Faith gives life to me! Faith brings Christ's resurrected life to this dead spirit. Faith rocks! But, faith without works is dead because it doesn't give life to others. There is life in me, but not life for others. It's kinda like a married couple that are both perfectly fertile. They have everything they need to pass on their 'life' to a new generation. But they never have intercourse. They never consummate their relationship. Hmmm. Wonder where the children are?? What's wrong? They never 'did' anything! We have life. We are perfectly fertile Christians with the very life-Giver Himself dwelling within us... but where are our works? Where is the 'deed' that brings about New Life?

I'm not saying that we need to evangelize more, or soul-win more, or door-knock more, or start nagging all of our friends. NO!!! That is not the moral of the story!! Those are just works. I'm not talking about plain old works. I'm talking about works that spring up naturally out of love for Jesus. These aren't works you have to write down on a list so you don't forget them, or works that you need guilt-trip yourself over if you neglect them. These are works that the Spirit will guide you into and you will look back and giggle to yourself, and wonder with amazement that He allowed you to be his instrument!

But, you still have to take the initiative. We all have the option to look into the law of liberty, face that mirror, see what the Spirit wants to do in our lives to affect the lives of others, and only talk about it.

Jesus first? Spouse First? Struggle?

I recently had a friend ask me about the struggles I have found as a Christian within marriage in regards to maintaining my fellowship with God. Here is my reply:

I haven't found a challenge with that at all. :) I think that the reason many marriages struggle with maintaining a good balance between fellowship with God and their relationship with each other is because they are trying so hard to 'keep God number one'
I have found that it is impossible to keep God number one, and love my husband fully... therefore, I surrendered everything I am to Christ. All of me. As I did that my capacity to love my husband and my children grew by leaps and bounds!! And my fellowship with God, rather than being a struggle to maintain (as in finding time for Bible reading and prayer in the midst of all the daily issues) became a relationship that flowed naturally 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
It is easy to be a Christian and be married if you are surrendered 100% to Christ and filled with his love. :)

The Cross: A burden or a blessing?

"Oh, I am soo burdened with this cross that I have to bear right now... It is weighing soo heavy on me. I don't know if I can make it one... more... step... Every morning I wake up and put that cross back on my shoulder and crawl my way through one more day. But thankfully God is with me! I know that He'll see me through; he is the one who gave me this cross, after all. It was he who said that I must take up my cross in order to be his disciple. So here I am, just plugging away, hoping I can survive one more day of this arduous cross-bearing life."

Hmmm. Sounds like the perfect model of abundant life! Is that what Christ really meant by 'take up your cross and follow me? I don't think so... He says that his yoke is easy and his burden is light! He says, "Come to me and I will give you rest!" Rest? Easy? Light? Wow. Are those words that describe your life? For most Christians, those words are a far cry from reality!

But wait, how is it even possible to have rest if we must carry a cross around with us everywhere we go? This is a hard life! We have temptation thrown at us from every direction. We have circumstances in our lives that are not to our own choosing. We have giant trials looming on the horizon everywhere we look, or we are in the midst of one now. Rest? There's no rest for the wicked! is the phrase that gets bantered about. No, there will be no rest until I get to heaven. Sigh.

So sad. That is not what Christ intended at all. This cross-bearing is not another 'chore' to add to our Christian check-list!! (or in this case, the ultimate Christian chore!) Nor is is suffering hardships for Jesus' sake (although that will happen!) The meaning here is so much deeper! So much better!

The cross was an instrument of death and total sacrifice. This cross that Christ asks us to bear is the cross of 100% surrender and sacrifice of our lives to him.

Romans 12:1-2 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. 2And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

This is a life of complete abandon to God, even unto death! In fact, the death of self. With self removed from the picture, Christ is free to live out his life through us. We are FREE to REST in him.

This is not a life of defeat, or a life of unbearable burdens. This is a life of attaining all of my hearts desires! For, I find that as I take up my cross in pursuit of him, he gives me all the desires of my heart. The very things that I once viewed as burdens are transformed into blessings! The things I once counted gain, I now see are worthless! My view point changes drastically. And I am victorious! I am free! I am living the abundant life he had planned for me from the very beginning.

If only I had never viewed that cross as one more thing I had to do every day, I could have been enjoying this life sooo much sooner!

Accepted?

People often ask me about my tattoos/piercings, so I decided to give the stories behind them all here on my blog. In order to do that I have to back WAY up to just before I surrendered my everything to Christ in me. My journey into the grace walk was not an easy one by any means! Having posted much on this before I won't go into the whole story again, but I have more to add.

I was terrified to yield to Christ. Absolutely terrified. Before I got saved I was afraid to become a hypocrite. I was afraid to be pressed into the particular Baptist mold that I had witnessed all my life. Then on the brink of abandoning my all to Jesus, I was afraid that once he had me he would throw me away. I couldn't possibly believe that he could accept all of me exactly how I was. How could he? I was hopelessly flawed. Yeah, yeah... I'd read all the stuff Andrew Murray, A.W.Tozer, Steve McVey, and Watchman Nee had written on being dead and God no longer seeing that stuff. And I knew the book of Romans inside and out: there's no condemnation in Christ, he sees me just as though I've never sinned, I'm accepted in the beloved, he'll never leave me nor forsake me, etc. I wasn't convinced. Sure, he saved me and that was pretty fantastic! But wasn't he kind of under contract for that? He died on the cross for redemption, and salvation was offered freely to all who would believe. It was a given. Acceptance however? That was another ballgame altogether. He just couldn't love me when it was all said and done. I envisioned it all too frequently... God would beckon me to come to him and place my life in his hands and I would do so with many tears. He would than laugh maniacally and say something along the lines of, "I've got you where I want you!" This never ended well - there was a lot of crushing and bruising involved.

I had an idea. Maybe not my brightest idea ever, but in my mind I had to formulate a test. I had always wanted to get my belly button pierced for as long as I could remember (super cute!!!) and had even asked Chris if I could many times. If I got a piercing God could either choose to abandon me or accept me anyway. He could either heap loads of guilt on me or shower me with love. I knew people who would never talk to me again if they knew about it, and the question in my mind was, "Is God like that?" So that's exactly what I did. I went out and got it pierced. Strange, I didn't feel different afterwards... In fact, I felt very free in a good way.

Two days passed and the axe didn't fall. I felt the wooing of the Spirit leading me to fall into his arms, and for once I thought maybe I believed him. If you have read my blog you know the rest of the story, for that is the night I knelt on my living room floor and did just that: I entrusted all that I was, all that I had, all that I would be, everything to Him. It's funny... it was so effortless. All those months of fighting it, and it was one of the easiest things I've ever done. You see, surrender is not something you "DO," It's something HE does. I simply laid down yielding to him, and he filled me up. That's it. I felt acceptance! I felt love!

So that's it in a nutshell. My belly piercing was nothing more than a fleece to see if God truly accepted me or if he could only accept me based on who I was. My silly attempt to figure out God! Apparently God didn't care one way or the other, all he wanted was for me to enjoy the perfect union he purchased for me on the cross as fully as was possible. Salvation was far more than the gift of life. It was the gift of LIFE in me! Christ in me! He desired a relationship with me! Wow.

Righteousness

The kids are in bed and I sit down to eat a late night snack and watch t.v. A boy peeks his face around the corner to ask for one more thing, and I send him back to bed with a definite, "NO." The boy lingers, looks around and then begins to put some toys away. "Get in bed," I say. "I'm putting some things away for you, mommy," comes the reply. I sternly tell him to go to bed right now. He can clean up the toys in the morning. Then he comes and gives me a hug and a kiss which I return with another reminder to go to bed. He goes to his room but comes back out and grabs a blanket, carries it to me and says, "I just want to cover you up, mommy."

I know, you are all smiling a little to yourselves right now. It's a familiar scene in many homes; the never ending struggle to get the kids in bed. And how sweet of him to want to help mommy, hug mommy and take care of mommy, right? We love the little guys so much, and the easy thing would be to just grab him up and cuddle him and tell him we love him and let him stay up as long as he wants.

Here's what I told my son (which is what I usually tell him!): Just because it's a good thing, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. You are still disobeying me right now.

And then I had the thought: all of our own righteousness is like a pile of filthy rags to God.
It may be good, but it's still not right in God's eyes. An unsaved man can work and work and work to get to heaven, performing deeds that humanly speaking are greatly honourable and worthy of reward and yet still be deserving of eternal punishment when he stands before God. The saved son of God is righteous before God, BUT not one bit of that righteousness is his own. We have been made the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. Apart from Christ, we are no better than that unsaved man, a pile of filthy rags in the eyes of God.

How does this apply to the Christian? Well, for one thing WE HAVE THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD!!! WHOO HOO!! Doesn't that excite you?!?! We have the love and righteousness of the Father. He offers us liberty, freedom, rest and abundant life at no cost to us but the loss of ourselves.

What? It can't be! I must have to offer him something? Perhaps I should teach a Sunday School class? Go soul-winning? Read my Bible through in a year? Pray an hour every day? There must be some formula for me to be able to attain this righteousness. There must be a way to earn this freedom and rest. So one after another we parade our good works before the Saviour bragging about how good they are while he looks on sadly shaking his head. He never asked for us to DO anything for him, he simply asked for us to yield our lives a sacrifice to him. He never required a performance from us, he asked for our bodies as a vessel to be filled with HIS life. In essence, by our show of self-righteousness we are disobeying the very one we try to serve. [This doesn't change God's view of us of course; once saved, we are always righteous in his eyes, regardless of how we are in our own eyes.]

On the other hand, the Christian who realizes that their righteousness comes solely from God, and wholly surrenders to him will find peace and rest. It is a beautiful thing! That Christian realizes the right thing to do is let Christ do it! There is no good thing that we can do to gain his approval. There is no work that we can accomplish that can make us any more righteous than we are. There are no Christian principles or disciplines that can 'impress' God. The only thing that impresses God is the Son. PERIOD. Are you saved? You are in Christ. In Christ? You are hidden in God. In God? You have his righteousness. Have the righteousness of God? Rest in him!

Back to the little boy: Go to bed and go to sleep! Your Father has it all under control.

Laying down my pride..... Again!!!

Nov 16, 2007

So I'm going along lately feeling like everything is out of control... again... Let me start with a short little thing about me: They say that what you doodle on paper tells a lot about you, and from the time I was a young teenager until about three years ago I always drew spirals all over everything (along with hearts and stars and smiley faces). The heart stood for love, stars for my dreams and the smiley for my bubbly personality, but I never knew why I drew the spirals. And I drew them like crazy. One day Chris told me that it's common for people who feel like they aren't in control of their life to draw those, or something like that... I thought it was an interesting hypothesis, but didn't really think any more about it. So then a few years later I realized one day that I no longer drew them and connected the dots to figure out that it was because my life was leveling out. I wasn't feeling so crazy... I was more in control.

Said all that to say this: Here I am about a year after I decided that I wasn't the one that was supposed to be in control of my life. I realized it was supposed to be Jesus that was in charge... things were going OK until the last few months. Things have been happening that are so insanely out of my hands... things that I don't like. Things that scare me. Things that sometimes make me worried, scared, angry. People I can't change, circumstances that are beyond my control, a life that I'm living that isn't what I would have chosen, a dream that I have that I feel is from God that seems unattainable because of other things that He has put in my life right now. I'm feeling like that straight line that had become my life is twisting up into another curly que and I don't know how to stop it. I'm having irrational thoughts again, insomnia, headaches, panic attacks, ect. I even made myself vomit the other day....
So what's up? I gave it all to God, and He's supposed to fix it all right? It's not supposed to be like this... why is my life this intense struggle of taking a spiral curl and trying to flatten it out with a straightening iron? About the time I get a good section done the humidity comes out and frizzes it.
It's not supposed to be like this is it? This feeling of being out of place... feeling like I'm living the wrong life...
So here I am on one of the worst days of my life, knowing that it is just going to get worse... and dreading the rest of it with that ache in the pit of my stomach... surfing the internet to try and forget for a few minutes when I stumble upon (literally! Stumble Upon the firefox add on) this music search engine where you can create your own playlist for myspace. Phenomenal idea! So I put on my headphones (kids are napping, don't want to disturb them) and start thinking of all my favorite artists and notice a bit of a theme in many of my favorite songs.... surrender to Jesus, living in grace, etc. The life that I chose to live. "Yea, God, I know... that's me! Surrendered to you!" I say to Him and continue on with my searching until I type in Jeremy Camp (LOVE HIM!) and click on the song Lay Down My Pride.

BAM! Jesus hits me over the head with it and I'm crying and playing the song over and over again (listening it to it right now!) with only one thought in my head: what a stubborn idiot I am, and will I ever get it? and I should lay down on the floor at his feet right now right here in front of the computer desk. (OK that was three thoughts, but I'm shaking right now with conviction so don't expect me to be completely rational!) Here I am 'living the surrendered life' and at the same time worrying about 'living the surrendered life' I've been taking it all back from Him again. The spiral is spiraling because I'm letting it. I'm taking the flattening iron back from Jesus' hands. He's the one who straightened out my life to this point... all I can do is mess it up. He's throwing all these things at me to see how I handle it; to see if I can still let Him keep the reigns through it all. Apparently I've been failing miserably. Jesus, you know Rebecca... It's all about me. And when I see something that's not working, or out of place I take it personally... I have to fix it and make it work. It's a reflection on me if it doesn't. But that's not true... it's a reflection on YOU. You bring things into my life and you are the one who is supposed to fix them or not through me. My life should be a reflection of you not me. My pride is meaningless and only gets in the way of what you are able to accomplish in my life. And you did so much in leaving heaven and going in the cross so that you could live through me.... and when I don't let you I'm slapping you in the face. I'm rejecting the precious gift that you offer. I am crucified in you because you were crucified and because you offered your life to me. I can say not I but Christ because of what you did. How can I walk away from that most beautiful and precious sacrifice? It is nothing for me to give myself to you in return, to lay my life down for you... and yet "I" keep getting in the way. OH!! what must you do to drill it into my head that "I" do not exist anymore... it's just YOU.
Well here I am now again giving me to you again. Take my life in whatever direction you need to take it.

Lay Down My Pride
Jeremy Camp

Every single word I say
You know it before I speak
You know every thought
The deepest part of me

You draw me close and then I see
Your presence is every thing I need to be
The child that you've created me to be
Ready now to see it your way

CHORUS
Lay down my pride
My desires my demise
Ready now to see it your way
'cause I'm done I'm through ignoring you now it's true
I'm kneeling at the cross of your grace
Lay down my pride

I was faced with passing time
But I knew the choice was mine
To finally come to you
And give you all control
I've wandered miles to find my way
And then you revealed this simple thing
I know that you can see the secrets of my soul

CHORUS
Lay down my pride
My desires my demise
Ready now to see it your way
'cause I'm done I'm through ignoring you now it's true
I'm kneeling at the cross of your grace
Lay down my pride
(repeat)

The cross the blood you shed for me
Your back was ripped and bruised
So I can know your love
I kneel I bow to you my king

CHORUS
Lay down my pride
My desires my demise
Ready now to see it your way
'cause I'm done I'm through ignoring you now it's true
I'm kneeling at the cross of your grace
Lay down my pride
(repeat)

When it all seems to happen at once......

August 21, 2007

So life is kinda just going along... everything's OK... good even! And then bang! It happens. Something goes wrong. It may not be a big thing, it may not be a terrible thing. But it happens. And you are thinking, "Man, that was bad luck, but God's in control, so it's all good." And you go on with your life like nothing occurred until it happens again. Only this time it's something a little worse... a bit harder to ignore. You shrug your shoulders and say, "life's like that." and move on as though everything's OK, while under the surface you are wondering what is going on. But of course you can handle this and everything will be back to normal soon. And then BAM it hits you and you are practically surrounded with problems that are beyond your control and you feel like you are sinking deeper and deeper. "What happened to that fabulous high I was on just days ago? If only I could go back in time..." Because of course on this side of things everything that happened before looks like a mountaintop experience! And you struggle to gain control of the situation but find other things taking control of you: depression, frustration, hopelessness, anger. And it really doesn't matter if this is the pettiest group of problems you have ever faced or the most difficult because at this moment they loom over you like Mt. Everest and all you can think of is that you are going to be smashed beneath their weight at any moment. Funny, because when that first little thing went wrong at the beginning your first response was to give it to God, but now He's the farthest thing from your mind as you struggle to escape. At this point absolutely everything that happens is an irritation to you no matter what it is. Someone comes along and mentions to you that God can help you with what you are going through and you tell them, "Of course I know He can!" While you think to yourself that you still have enough strength left to figure everything out and "How dare they think that I need God as if I'm not a good Christian?" Things begin to spiral from here as that Mt. Everest pile of problems start to crumble and at this point you may even begin to blame God, because let's face it, you are running out of people to blame. And then there is Jesus, unbeknownst to you, patiently waiting for the word of faith so that He can step in and take control. Waiting for you to look up to Him and say, "I can't do this anymore. I need you to do it through me. Take all this anger and frustration and depression and fill me with your joy in the midst of tribulation. Let me take these trials as from you."

And they are from Him, for He brings those things into our lives to bring us to the end of ourselves, to put us at the point of total dependency on Christ. He does this so that we will live a life completely surrendered to His will, whether it leads to things that we enjoy or things that we do not. Sound familiar? It should, for this is the life of the cross. Jesus said, "Not my will but thine be done" as he went to the cross and "He who knew no sin became sin for us that we might be made the righteousness of God." This was not an easy thing for Christ to do. He stepped aside from all the majesty and glory of heaven for this purpose. But in that he was surrendered to total dependency on the Father He endured the trials and tribulations of the flesh even to the cross! He was our example. Wow. How He loved us! And now we are crucified with Him. So we should live like it. Surrender to Him. When everything hits the fan, instead of freaking out, turn to Him. That's what He desires.

But sadly, most Christians are stuck at the bottom of Mt. Everest. They are terrified of what it means to give that mountain to Christ, and so they never do. What does it mean? If we have faith as small as a mustard seed it will remove mountains. So yes, it absolutely can remove our problems, but it's not just a magic potion. There is more to it than that. It means giving of self. Giving of everything! And that is what we all fear most. We love ourselves and our stuff more than we love a life free of the trial that we are going through. And so we are stubborn and fight through our troubles on our own. But it will never work. You know what Christ does with self? He makes it better! Really, He does! So take the leap of faith. Cry out "Save Me!! I can't do it Father! I need you to live through me Jesus! I am helpless, hopeless and worthless! Here I am, take all that I am and fix it!" And that is a prayer he will hear.

But what if you are where I am right now... you've done that. You've surrendered to him. And now, here you are maybe months, years later and everything seems to be hitting the fan again. And maybe you are responding in the same way. Don't beat yourself up over the head! We all make mistakes. (Yep... that's me!) Jesus sends those things into our lives to keep us on our toes, to test our level of surrender, to give us a chance to grow spiritually. It's a test! But luckily it's not a pass or fail thing. If we do well we get to advance in our relationship with him a bit (you get to say "Yea! I'm really yielded to the Spirit right now!") And if we panic we learn that there is something in our lives that we are holding on to that we need to hand over to Jesus. (and we say "Man, I can't believe I was doing that, I better take care of that right away!,) So either way we advance in our Spiritual walk!

BTW... don't hold onto those things that you need to hand over to Jesus for a long time. Cuz it's really a strain on your relationship. When you sit down to talk there's always something that your're trying to avoid like a white elephant in the room and truly it grieves Him. It fills the room with an atmosphere of sadness. It even affects ability to worship. Stubbornness is not a good quality in any relationship, especially with Jesus (Rebecca!!!!)

So... curious about what's happening right now in my life? I have ovarian cysts that are popping and hurt like crazy, these painful cysts have moved to my breasts, my insurance runs out the end of this month and my husband doesn't have benefits at his job, my best friend has lung cancer, Chris ran his $200 cell phone through the washing machine and we did not have insurance on it and now we have to replace it, we got a flat tire today, oh... and all four tires on the car need replaced. And yep... you guessed it, I panicked a bit. Hence this blog reminding myself of Christ's place in everything!

Revival

Aug 8, 2007

Anybody else greatly desiring for true revival to hit? Having surrendered to the Precious Spirit of God myself and only thirsting to know more of Him... I am SO anxious for everyone I come in contact with to either meet Jesus for the first time or cast themselves upon the altar of living sacrifice. I feel the wind in the trees, but I yearn for the mighty rushing wind!! O that all of my friends and family, church, and community would feel the presence of God in a compelling life changing way.

But what would that mean for us? Would we actually have to be sold out to Christ? Would Christianity be more than a title? "What would it require of ME?" we wonder. EVERYTHING! And that is what Surrender is. And that is what the Spirit of God is looking for. And that is what He fills up. Vessels emptied of themselves and prepared for the Master's use. And what does that leave of ME? NOTHING! Nothing but JESUS living in me and through me and around me.

Imagine a whole church of people who were like that! Walking vessels of Jesus and the Spirit of GOD!!! What POWER! What VICTORY!! Do you think that revival would happen then?? All it takes is one person to start a revival. One person who is willing to give all to HIM and then not be ashamed to share with others. And once it's church wide? BAM!

It can happen in this age. God is still the same God. I know He can do it. I believe He can do it. I'm just waiting for it to happen. I'm excited... Every Sunday I go to church I think to myself that "today could be the day that God comes down on the people!" Expectation! Faith!

I beg you my brothers and sisters in Christ because of all that God in His mercy has done for you, that you would cast your whole being upon the altar of God as a living sacrifice. It is acceptable and holy and pleasing to the Father. It is not required of you, it is simply reasonable that after He gave us so much we should serve Him with everything.

Rom. 12:1 Rebecca's long paraphrase

My surrender testimony

written Aug. 8, 2007

I have not yet posted my testimony on this blog, which I really should do, but to give quick background, I grew up in a Christian home, but have only been saved four years. And that Christian home was extremely legalistic Baptist. And even though they believed in the Holy Spirit, He was someone spoken about in hushed tones... "he doesn't like to be spoken of, we don't make much of Him, we make much of Jesus" So the Spirit was quite foreign to me as an unsaved person especially, but even doctrinally.

After being saved for about a year the "joy" of being saved started wearing of to the normalcy of everday life and I began living off of the past knowledge of God that I had from Christian school and church... God began working on me to give my life to Him fully so that I could "grow up" in Him. I ignored Him... mostly because I was so afraid that surrendering to Him would mean ending up a nut-case legalist, and partially because I thought once he had me he would reject me. Over the course of the next year I had the worst pregnancy that my doctor had ever heard of (also a story all in itself... I could start a whole thread on terrible pregnancies....) I knew the whole time that if I would just surrender to God that He would heal me. ChrisJ (my husband) kept talking to me about surrender, and I would just say... No hun, I can still do this on my own. I was so stubborn. Apparently God just keeps turning up the pressure when His children ignore Him. I had all that time in the hospital to read my Bible, pray and seek His face, but I just turned up the TV louder and called more friends... and more pregnancy problems developed. And I said I can still do this on my own... It's not too tough to handle. I'm OK. I pretended total peace when people from church came over and they told me what a great testimony I was (OH! how guilty I was!!!!) God blessed me with a healthy baby, but still I went on... then the post-partum depression kicked in (not helped by all the spiritual battles I'm sure) and soon after my gallbladder started going crazy. My Pastor offered to lay hands on me to heal me during this time (and during the pregnancy), but I said no because I knew the requirement... it was surrender. I couldn't do it. Instead I had my gallbladder removed. After the surgery I finally started to get the picture. Things weren't going to get better. God was trying to get my attention and He wasn't going to stop until He succeeded.

I picked up the book Grace Land by Steve McVey (which God had been telling me to read all these long months) and it changed my life....

Now I was seeking Him. One evening as I nursed my baby all alone I felt a presence in the room. I knew it was Jesus. And I looked up and could "see" where He was in the room (not physically but there was almost a glow there) I mentally asked what He wanted and He said He just wanted to talk to me. Now I know that people don't think that Jesus speaks to us audibly, and to this day I'm not sure if He did or not... but I can almost swear that He did... I started to cry that He would want to talk to me but began to tell him about my struggles with surrendering to His control in my life. I explained to Him how I felt that I was in the middle of the Jordan River struggling to swim across knowing that I could never go back to Egypt (sin... unsaved) or the wilderness (legalism) but not knowing how to cross into the freedom and liberty that he offered on the other side in the Promised land. I told him that I was afraid.
Then He showed me a picture of how it should be... I should stand at the bank of the Jordan and ask Him to carry me over on dry land and He would carry me. I would have to part in it. I repeated this back to Him in words. And He didn't respond. He just agreed with me in harmony. I don't know when He left after that, all I know is that I continued to talk to Him for a while and then I began crying so hard I couldn't talk and looked up and He was gone.

After that I determined I would surrender to Him, because He actually cared for me that much.

One night only a week or two later as Chris and I said our nightly prayers I couldn't stop praying. I began to weep. I told God that I knew what I needed to do, but I didn't know how. So being a very visual person I began to show God in pictures what I wanted to do.

I stood in the holy of holies in heaven at the mercy seat and set my hands on the altar, then my mouth, etc. as the old hymn says

And here is where the Holy Spirit took over as God spoke to me... He said "that isn't enough, I need all of you"

So I mentally crawled up on the altar

He then replied "Who did the placement upon the altar?"

I said "I did"

He said "that is not surrender"

And then the Spirit showed me what surrender was.... the image of the crucifixion... I am crucified with Christ. Reckon that I am dead...

Weeping I stretched out upon the floor and the hardest thing I ever did was lay my arms apart from my body... for I cannot drive the final nail myself, I cannot crucify myself... In Christ I am crucified... even my strength to surrender was of Him. And I gave Him all that night. And then kneeling at my couch I begged the Spirit of God that had shown me that picture to fill me with Himself.

I don't know what anyone else thinks about that night, but I know that I've been different that night. I like what George Mueller called His surrender "2nd conversion" That's what it felt like... Only better... I had a greater peace, a greater joy, a greater love, a greater freedom, a greater liberty, a greater KNOWING of my Saviour, a greater giving heart, a greater zeal for God, a heart to share...

Ask Chris J... I am so in love with my Jesus... my God... I am weeping right now writing this. It's all about Jesus. I can't even stand myself sometimes I'm so in awe of Him. He fills me so full that I don't know what to do.

Not saying that I'm not human, that I don't mes up, that I don't get down, etc... cuz I do... but there's this knew presence, and I don't mean like knowing that you are saved kinda presence. I mean like HOLY COW! JESUS is IN THIS PLACE right now! I can reach out and touch HIM!! He is so HERE that I can almost see Him. At least... I know where He is in the room, He's right there beside me, smiling at me. And His Spirit is all around the two of us like a welcoming embrace... And God the Father up in Heaven is just rejoicing over it all!

Do I sound crazy? So be it... It's a wonderful kind of crazy


2 Cor. 7:11 'yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal'

Surrender and Spirit-filled go very much together, in my experience.

The Holy Spirit

August 8, 2007
At salvation we receive the Holy Spirit to seal us. That's why when we get saved we know Jesus is in my heart!! Something's in there! There's a presence that wasn't there before, and I KNOW I'm saved!!

But then... there comes a time... for some it's simultaneous with salvation for others its weeks, months, even years after... when the Lord comes to you and says "Child, give me all." We look at him, and usually fight it with all of our might (I know I did... I hate domination!) But He is patient and loving and says again, "I am here. Surrender to me. Yield to me. All of who you are. All of your rights and all of your possessions. And I will fill you to the utmost so much that you can not stand it. You will be filled with the Holy Ghost and My power will flow through you freely, for you will be a vessel that is emptied of self and meet for the Master's use." Most refuse and walk away and never know of the glory that is beyond. They hear of this 2nd grace... this 2nd blessing... this filling of the Holy Ghost. But they never receive it for it demands to much of them. But there are some who one day fall flat before their Lord and Master and weeping call out to Him saying "Lord, I must decrease so that you may increase! All that I am is nothing so that you may be everything. Crucify me on your cross so that all that is left is You Alive through me. Empty me so that You can Fill me to the Utmost." And He does. He will! "If his children ask for bread will he give them a stone? So much more will He give the Holy Spirit to them who ask!" He's waiting for us to ask! He did it for me! He can do it for anyone.

Eyebrow Waxing

Terrifyingly bushy eyebrows - this is a recurring problem for me. I am terrible at brow maintenance. I hate it. I despise it. I would rather be stung by a bee than pluck/wax my eyebrows. (not that I enjoy being stung, for I do not... however I rarely get stung anyway, unless I step on one... I'm one of those bee charmer people... oh, sorry that's another story) There is something about that feeling as I stare into the mirror and rip out my own hair that just turns my stomach miserably! First tears well up in my eyes, then there is a slight twinge in my stomach followed by a mild churning. Before long I am so sick I have to lie down for a while. I am quite unable to finish both brows in one sitting, and often times I can't even finish one. Forget tweezing strays every day or so. It just doesn't happen. So most of the time I go simply ages between brow care.
Want to know the strange part though? I enjoy having someone else do my brows for me! I actually find it quite relaxing! I lie back in the chair, rest my head on the towel, and for a few moments someone else does a chore that I dread! And it doesn't make me the slightest bit queasy! In fact, I look forward to getting them done! It's the craziest thing! Waxing or tweezing? Not a problem if another person is in charge. I should just schedule regular appointments and avoid the bushy monster eyes altogether!
So what does this have to do with my desire to grow in Christ? Must everything have a spiritual application? Can't I just write about my quirky eyebrow issues?
Okay, you know me too well! Yes, there is a point to all of this! How many times do I have that something in my life that has to be done on a regular basis... and I dread it. In fact, I dread it so much it makes me nauseated. My stomach starts to hurt, I need to lie down for awhile. I put it off for weeks and weeks because I don't want to even think about how miserable it makes me... But why? Why do I suffer for so long when all I have to do is phone up Jesus and give it over to him? It's silly. I know I'm no good at it, I know it will make me stressed and crazy, and still I try it on my own. I know that if I let him take care of everything that everything will go seamlessly while I lie back and rest in his arms. It's soo foolish to think that maybe I should give it a go one more time... perhaps this time it will be okay... It never fails that I just end up frustrated and ready to quit. If only my first thought was, "I know this guy who's like absolutely amazing at doing this! He never fails to get it right. He never makes me feel uneasy, and never hurts me. In fact, he's soo gentle with me that I could fall asleep while he works! It's sooo relaxing going to see him... just like a day at the spa! I leave feeling like a new woman! He always does a fantastic job!"
So instead of me trying to do my daily spiritual maintenance... I need to let Jesus take care of it all! He's the best there is in the biz!

Not I But Christ

Here I am wide awake while all the rest of the house sleeps. I've been up for a couple hours now. I've played games, checked my facebook, and even taken a shower, and still my mind will not quiet down! So I began to pray. Okay God... I'm awake. What's up? My mind quickly wandered to different things, and I found that what I was most focused on was my upcoming audition for the worship team at church. I'm really kinda nervous about it! What to play, what to sing... should I sing? Maybe I should just do the keys. Will I be able to perform the song they give me? Am I going to practice the song they already sent me enough. Will I choose the right hymn to sing acapella? Should I do a song that I've written, and if so which one is the best? Will I pass the audition? Am I good enough.... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! My mind wouldn't shut up! And then it hit me! I should not be auditioning! I am not good enough to do it! My talents are nothing! I have every reason in the world to worry, stress and freak out! Unless...... I remember WHO gave me the talent. Jesus is the giver of my gifts and talents! And would he give me something and then leave me to handle it all by myself? No way! He is working through me to use those things he has bestowed. Jesus will be auditioning next week, Jesus will choose the songs, Jesus will decide if I sing and play or just play. Jesus will cause my talent to shine or not. It's all up to him. I am just the vessel ready and waiting to be used. I desire to worship him in music more than anything in the world... He knows that, and is waiting for me to ask him to take over! So, Jesus, will you take care of things for me? I'm afraid and feel less than confidant in myself, but I can trust in you! You who gave the psalmist the words to write, you who gave the angels voices to sing, you who delight over us with singing, you the creator of all music, you who placed in me a new song and a desire to sing and write for you... You can do this! So, here and now I put my voice, fingers and mind into your capable hands. I will now rest in peace knowing it's all under control! You led me to sign up for the audition, you will perform the audition, and you will hand me the results! (So, could you please do an awesome job and give me the thumbs up?)

I won't go back to how it was

So, there is something that Jesus has wanted of me for weeks. Something that I did not want to even think about, but something that he would let me forget about. When he asks for surrender in an area of your life, that issue seems to come up all the time and drive you crazy! 'So, just what did Jesus ask of you,' you wonder? Well, it was something that I was afraid to tell my husband about... first of all because I want nothing to do with it, secondly because once spoken I would actually have to act upon it, and thirdly because I was afraid that God was speaking to him about the very same thing. Of course, Chris finally pried it out of me this week, on Monday to be exact.

You see, back in June we had these missionaries come in who are headed to Brazil, specifically in the Amazon river area of Jutai. You should know, I have always loved missionaries, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that I adored Jon and Jessica Reed... but it was more than that. I felt this strange affinity for them. I was moved by the q&a time, the video, and the preaching. This also shouldn't seem odd for me, except that I haven't cared like that in a long time. I felt myself fighting to retain my composure, fighting not to let it affect me. But it was there under the surface. I was nervous. Meanwhile my husband was weeping by the end of the service. He too had not been affected by missionaries in that way for some time. Whatever was going on with him, I sure didn't want to know about! In talking with Jessica, I had this funny thought that I couldn't let go... "She's my age. She can't go there all by herself. She needs a girlfriend. A companion. We should go with them just so they aren't lonely." I rebelled at the thought. NO WAY! We've done deputation before, and I never want to repeat it! Plus, I've never been called to missions, and I am quite comfortable where I am thank you!

Chris started learning Portuguese. I humored him and learned a few phrases, (Estou perdido!) but wanted nothing to do with it... except that I kept being drawn to Google searches about Brazil, Portuguese and the Amazon River. One Wednesday night Chris was teaching on hearing God. The map of Brazil was still on the wall behind him, and I was drawn to look at the province where J&J will be going. I heard God whisper, "Tell me you'll go there." He didn't say I was supposed to go there, he just wanted me to give him my future. Surrender to the possibility. NO WAY! It has eaten me alive ever since.

When I told Chris about it, he was floored. He had prayed that God would speak to me, but had given up. It's an impossible dream anyway. And he had felt the same strange affinity for Jon as I felt for Jessica. Weird. Still I wouldn't surrender. Until yesterday. I had just left the bookstore after buying The Message, and a song came on the radio. This certain song has in the past made me angry with the guy who sings it because he has found something I have not, It has made me sad, it has filled me with longing for the place where I belong.

I listened this time, instead of singing along and the words spoke to me like never before...


This is Home by Switchfoot

I've got my memories
They're always
Inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe now
I've seen too much
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I've never known

Chorus:
This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
It's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone

(Chorus)

And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I'm gonna call it home

(Chorus)

Now I know
Yeah, this is home

I've come too far
Now I won't go back
This is home


Created for a place I've never known. Yeah, I feel like that. But I'm starting to get glimpses of it. I can't go back to where I was... where I was content. Where I didn't search for what God had for me. I want to find that place. When the chorus of the song started, I began to weep, because all I could see in my mind was an aerial shot of the Amazon River meandering through the jungle. And God said, Surrender. It was really unfair of him. All I want is a place to call home, and he wants me to surrender to a place that I don't think I could ever call home. But I did. I told him I would go. I had no choice. I have to find that place that I know is my own. I have to get there. If it's the Amazon, then I have to go there. If it's not, then OK (make that GREAT! LOL). But unless I surrender I will never know. So we traded - my surrender, for being one step closer to finding my place. He didn't say that I have to go there, I should go there, I am going there. In fact he hasn't said that to my husband either. Once again he wanted to see if I was willing. There is no sense in him telling me my destiny, if I'm not willing to do the things that he asks of me.

So am I supposed to go to the Amazon? I don't know. God would have to speak to Chris on it quite a bit, and a lot more to me as well. Being willing and being called are a bit different!

Trapped or Free

Today I have a job interview. I am excited. I can almost taste what it is like to be back in the work place again! After 4 1/2 years of being home with children, I am headed back out into the world of 40 hours a week and Friday is payday. (I'm not dead set on 40 hours though... I'll probably start at 30 and see how it goes? We'll see) This is not really what I had planned at this stage in my life, as I was going to wait until both of my children were in school, but our financial situation demands it. Strange. I should feel forced into working, or angry... I should feel trapped. Why am I not feeling this emotion? For years I was trapped by being home all the time, when what I really wanted to do was work... yet for the love of my children, I stayed home. At the same time, I never wanted to work because I had too, and anytime it was brought up I felt forced into the situation... again trapped. I think for the first time in my life, I am realizing that I can choose how I feel. And when it comes down to it, I want to work. So why should I let my issues of being cornered into it affect my joy in this?
Chris preached on the word 'Trapped' in Sunday School yesterday, and the quote on the top of the page was "Freedom is Frightening." Yeah, it's kinda like that. I'm so used to the feelings and emotions of being trapped in my life... stuck in my circumstances... that old Mr. Fear comes along and says that I can never be free. I can never have joy. I can never let go of my depression. Mr. Fear says that there is no door to exit; the only solution to my problems is death. But what Mr. Fear doesn't know is that I am opening my eyes to something HUGE! I have the key to get out of that feeling. I have the key to change how I perceive a situation. I have the key to give thanks in all things - to see that silver lining on the cloud!
The first key is that God is sovereign in my situation! He foreordained it to happen. He knows what's going on. He sees it all. He saw me all of those years as I cared for my children while I felt lonely, unfulfilled, and without purpose. He sees our financial situation that would force me into finding a job sooner than I had planned. He knows. He sees. He brought it upon me! That is the second key. He brings things upon me to prepare me for the ministry that he has for me! Here I am excited about today, but also dreading it. Dreading escaping the box of my house, and fearing that I am just entering one more box at work. Is there really any freedom? What would I do with it if I were truly free? This is the wrong attitude. Jesus is bringing each circumstance into my life to shape me for that perfect plan He has in mind. He created me to do a specific something, and designed special circumstances to shape me into exactly what he had in mind. Everybody has an opinion on what they think about me going back to work... positive, negative and neutral... but the bottom line is that this is an experience God wants me to have right now for his glory in my life. The third key is that even if I feel alone, Jesus goes through everything I go through right along with me. The coolest thing that Chris said about feeling trapped was that 'When God is conspicuously absent it is when he is most omnisciently present." When I don't feel him, don't see him, and feel like I'm just going to have to figure things out on my own, He is still there. In fact, he is probably orchestrating circumstances so that I will look to him and tell him that I'm in over my head. He is just waiting for me to ask him to do things for me. He brings everything upon me to bring me to my face on his altar of surrender. He is ever there patiently waiting for the day that I stop playing tug-o-war and give each situation to him.
So here I am right now on the morning of my interview, and I want to do something I have never done before. Something that I am completely unable to do, but that I believe that Jesus wants me to do. I want to thank him for my life circumstances. I want to thank him for the years that I've stayed home with my children; there are so many memories that I will always cherish. I want to thank him for our financial situation. I have learned much about God's provision and faith. I want to thank him for allowing me to go back to work even though it is not in optimum circumstances in my life, he has a plan. And I want to surrender to him my future. I don't want to feel trapped any more by anything. It's such a silly emotion. I'm saved! I have Christ in me! In Christ is perfect liberty and freedom. I want to be able to give thanks in everything, and feel joy and freedom in everything. Chris said it was a choice - choose to complain and stay trapped, or choose to surrender and find freedom. I choose surrender.

Surrender and Tug-o-War

Why is surrender such a difficult concept? There are days, I will admit that this thing called surrender is like reaching for the apple on the very top of the tree without a ladder. Impossible. You can see it, you can taste it, and oh! how you want it, but no matter how much effort you put into jumping, stretching, climbing, and grabbing it just seems to taunt you from it's uppermost perch.
I have surrendered everything to God. I have knelt in my living room, and weeping given him all that I am. I thought that ended this whole dilemma. But wait. There was that little thing Jesus whispered into my ear as I wept.... something about there would be things that we would deal with together as I came to them? At the time I didn't think too much of it. I was on a spiritual high! Nothing could touch me.
And then that day came. There was something God wanted me to hand over that I wanted to keep. So ensued a game of tug-o-war, not very unlike the one leading up to that first day where I surrendered to him my all. What? How could this be? How can I be fighting for my rights when I've given them all up? And so I cried out to him, and released my end of the rope, not only in defeat, but in despair and guilt. And so the cycle went on. Sometimes I only tugged for a few hours, sometimes days, weeks, or months. Sometimes the game was played over the most trivial of issues, sometimes over things that felt like life or death to me. Eventually I would ask myself the question, "How surrendered are you really?" And the answer scared me. A surrendered Christian doesn't fight God kicking and screaming on every little thing, do they?
But what if.... what if he's touching my plans for my life? I know the plans for my life... they are great plans! They are going to take me places! I'm going to be somebody. But Jesus wants my plans. He wants to take everything. He says that he has great plans for my life too. Jeremiah 29:11NLT says, " For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. " That should be encouraging! And yet... what if I don't like his plan... his future... What if I don't like the thoughts that he has in mind for me? It feels like He is wrenching every little scrap of my life that I have to hold on to away from me. Why?
I know why. As I've gone through this cycle of tug-o-war, I've learned several lessons. First of all I've learned that there will always be one more thing in your life that you are holding back from Jesus, even if you don't know about it yet. Just about the time that I think I've finally dealt with every issue that could possibly be wrong, the Mirror shines my on my life and I see something else that I want to live in denial about. Secondly, Jesus doesn't want your stuff, your plans, your money, or your personality quirks that you are fighting so hard to keep. He just wants to see if you are willing to give them to him. What he really wants? Your life. So many times he asks me for something small, like giving up somewhere I go or something I do not because he doesn't like it, but just to see if I'll do it for him. He often returns the very thing that you give to him (i.e. Abraham sacrificing Isaac on Mt. Moriah!) The question is always "How surrendered are you really?" Thirdly, before surrendering everything to him in one huge weeping life-defining moment, you will never even be aware of all the little tug-o-war struggles. Here I am questioning my Christianity because I am fighting God over little things, when they are things that I wouldn't have even noticed before. I wouldn't have even spoken to God about an issue let alone struggled over it! I used to be all about running from God, and now I'm all about confronting God and eventually dealing with my issues. This is spiritual growth. Someday I hope that these confrontations will be more and more submissive and easier, but for now, I am hearing God speak to me, and I am aware of surrender as the ultimate goal. Fourthly, Jesus will take away everything that you depend on outside of Him. If anything takes his place in your life in any capacity, those are the areas in your life He will target first! Ouch!!! I speak from experience here, that these are the most painful areas to have removed. Lastly, the reason that surrender feels like jumping for that apple at the top of the tree that can never be reached is because it can't be reached. It is a gift just like everything else in our Christian lives. Jesus is the ladder, the tree, the apple, and the very life within us that allows us to climb up and finally place our hand around that apple and not only take a bite, but eventually devour every bit of that apple. And despite that fact that sometimes it may seem a bit sour, when we realize from whom it comes, it become the most delicious thing we have ever tasted.
Yes, I have learned these truths, but I did not say that I live them. I fail miserably. I still beat myself up with guilt at my failures. I still question God's plans. I still rely on myself to accomplish surrender. And here I am depressed, frustrated, angry, and who knows what else as I fight him yet again on something that to me is so huge that I dare not even blog about it...
I'm still looking for that miracle zap that will take me from struggling Christian growth to apostle Paul maturity. If you find it, please let me know?

I don't want to fight

Make no bones about it, I'm depressed... utterly miserable, downward spiraling depression. This is nothing new to me, as I've been in an out of depression since I was a teenager, had pre-natal and post-partum depression, been in counseling and even been medically treated for it. But this is not supposed to happen now. Not this. I'm trying, really trying to grow spiritually... and this is so... I don't know... a battle that I thought I didn't have to fight any more? "Here Jesus, here's my life, so now why are these old problems coming back to the surface? I thought you had it handled. Can't you take care of it? Just blink it away? Because I sure don't want to deal with it. I didn't want to deal with it then, and I don't want to deal with it now." But apparently I have to deal with it in order to move forward, just like I had to seek restoration with that person a couple of weeks ago (which I did and I feel immensely better, by the way!!). Again the question comes to me, "Are you as surrendered to Jesus as you think you are?" Jesus wants me to face this problem head on... I want to sink back into denial. Jesus wants me to gain the victory through him. I want to wallow in self-pity. Jesus wants me to be all that I can be in Him. I want to be a little coward and run away from everything the only way I know how to. And the devil laughs at me... he laughs knowing that he has me right where he wants me as long as I believe each of the lies that he and his minions whisper in my ear... and I do believe them every night as I lie on my pillow. But in the morning I wake only to feelings of guilt for my failure to fight, for my failure to listen to Jesus. He is there in the morning ready to talk about it, and sometimes we do. Sometimes I reach for my Bible and I weep and ask forgiveness and we fellowship together. But never do we make a game plan for victory against that which plagues me most. (My own fear, denial, and stubbornness prevents this perhaps?) Once as I read my Bible I found a passage that told who I am in Christ... How He sees me. For that moment all else faded away. I forgot the lies of Satan. I forgot the words of others. I forgot the way I treat my own self. I wept as I saw in that instance who God saw. Who I really am. I'm a beautiful person. Why can't I always see that? In listening to the other voices, I push farther and farther away from that image until it's faded to barely a memory.... I don't want to fight this battle, nor do I want to helplessly give into it and watch it tear my family apart. I'm supposed to be a conqueror. I'm supposed to be a soldier. Why don't I feel like one? The issues have become bigger to me than life itself... they have become my life. Life is worth fighting for, but the issues that I have been fighting for perhaps (even now I am not willing to admit this) are not. The battle is for the mind, and I am losing hopelessly...
And yet I am encouraged... there is hope, even if I can not feel it. There is victory, even if I can not taste it. There is an end, even if I can not see it. I have been here before and come out on the other side. Perhaps not having dealt with the issues properly, but looking over the past 7 years I have grown, I have changed, and I have healed. There are things in my life that I am ready to face now that I would have never faced even 2 years ago. So, now I look at something that I've never looked at. It's gotten so big that it can't be ignored... I can't do this alone... I'm so glad I don't have to.

What's Going On With Me

I have for some time wanted to begin a blog devoted entirely to my spiritual journey, separate from my myspace blog. After reading PT's blog I decided, why not today? God has been doing amazing things in our church, but that's not all... he's been doing incredible things in me. I've been saved now for 5 years and looking back at where I was to where I am I'm in awe! Jesus has made some marvelous transformations in me through His Spirit over the years, including bringing me to that wonderful time of surrendering all to Him a few years ago. But this is different... I feel inexplicably drawn to Him, to learn of Him, to sit at His feet, to do something for Him. I keep waking up in the morning thinking of Him, desiring to spend time with this One who for some reason is reaching out and desiring to spend time with me. The Spirit within me is begging me, yearning to reach out to a level of relationship that I've never been to before. To worship my Saviour like I never have. To develop intimacy that I never knew existed. Only now I know it's out there because He's invited me to it. Imagine! Being loved so much that my Jesus would come to me, that the Holy Spirit would talk to me and ask me to talk back! How can I not respond? Sometimes I wake up in the early morning, knowing that it is He that has woken me up... and I'm too tired to read His Word, and I'm too tired to pray, but just knowing that He wants to spend time with me is so amazing! I lay there and bask in his presence and just let Him know how much He means to me. Those times are so precious. It's better than the days when I'd set the alarm to wake up for those forced devotions when I'd rather be sleeping... now I go to sleep, almost hoping that He'll wake me up! The Word of God has opened up like never before as well... I think that I finally understand the verse where it says that the Spirit will teach you. He does!
My Desire. I said once that I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff and that I just needed to jump off. There's this whole world of Spiritual growth out there for me that I was afraid of for whatever reason, and the things that were holding me back were so trivial (although at the time they seemed so HUGE!) But then one day I realized that if it was good enough for Paul, and all the great men of the faith, and if it was important enough for Jesus to come to me about it then I just needed to let go. So I jumped! And I realized that there were things that I thought I had surrendered to Christ that I hadn't surrendered... so many things that I had held back. I had to let go of everything. You know what was awesome? I thought I was jumping into the unknown, but I was actually jumping into the hand of my Saviour! Not as fearsome as I had made it. My desire.... to stay here. To get more and more like Him! To allow Him to find all of the things in my life that don't belong there, the things that keep us from being as close as we possibly can. I want to serve Him, walk with Him, be in unity with Him, my hopes and my dreams to be His.
I can't wait to see what happens in this next year!
-I must mention that I feel I wouldn't be here at all if it weren't for my husband Christopher. ;0) Thanks for leading me to Jesus! And thanks for G.E.A.R. class. You've really taught me so much about these things. Every big step in my life has not been taken without much time in discussion with you!