My surrender testimony

written Aug. 8, 2007

I have not yet posted my testimony on this blog, which I really should do, but to give quick background, I grew up in a Christian home, but have only been saved four years. And that Christian home was extremely legalistic Baptist. And even though they believed in the Holy Spirit, He was someone spoken about in hushed tones... "he doesn't like to be spoken of, we don't make much of Him, we make much of Jesus" So the Spirit was quite foreign to me as an unsaved person especially, but even doctrinally.

After being saved for about a year the "joy" of being saved started wearing of to the normalcy of everday life and I began living off of the past knowledge of God that I had from Christian school and church... God began working on me to give my life to Him fully so that I could "grow up" in Him. I ignored Him... mostly because I was so afraid that surrendering to Him would mean ending up a nut-case legalist, and partially because I thought once he had me he would reject me. Over the course of the next year I had the worst pregnancy that my doctor had ever heard of (also a story all in itself... I could start a whole thread on terrible pregnancies....) I knew the whole time that if I would just surrender to God that He would heal me. ChrisJ (my husband) kept talking to me about surrender, and I would just say... No hun, I can still do this on my own. I was so stubborn. Apparently God just keeps turning up the pressure when His children ignore Him. I had all that time in the hospital to read my Bible, pray and seek His face, but I just turned up the TV louder and called more friends... and more pregnancy problems developed. And I said I can still do this on my own... It's not too tough to handle. I'm OK. I pretended total peace when people from church came over and they told me what a great testimony I was (OH! how guilty I was!!!!) God blessed me with a healthy baby, but still I went on... then the post-partum depression kicked in (not helped by all the spiritual battles I'm sure) and soon after my gallbladder started going crazy. My Pastor offered to lay hands on me to heal me during this time (and during the pregnancy), but I said no because I knew the requirement... it was surrender. I couldn't do it. Instead I had my gallbladder removed. After the surgery I finally started to get the picture. Things weren't going to get better. God was trying to get my attention and He wasn't going to stop until He succeeded.

I picked up the book Grace Land by Steve McVey (which God had been telling me to read all these long months) and it changed my life....

Now I was seeking Him. One evening as I nursed my baby all alone I felt a presence in the room. I knew it was Jesus. And I looked up and could "see" where He was in the room (not physically but there was almost a glow there) I mentally asked what He wanted and He said He just wanted to talk to me. Now I know that people don't think that Jesus speaks to us audibly, and to this day I'm not sure if He did or not... but I can almost swear that He did... I started to cry that He would want to talk to me but began to tell him about my struggles with surrendering to His control in my life. I explained to Him how I felt that I was in the middle of the Jordan River struggling to swim across knowing that I could never go back to Egypt (sin... unsaved) or the wilderness (legalism) but not knowing how to cross into the freedom and liberty that he offered on the other side in the Promised land. I told him that I was afraid.
Then He showed me a picture of how it should be... I should stand at the bank of the Jordan and ask Him to carry me over on dry land and He would carry me. I would have to part in it. I repeated this back to Him in words. And He didn't respond. He just agreed with me in harmony. I don't know when He left after that, all I know is that I continued to talk to Him for a while and then I began crying so hard I couldn't talk and looked up and He was gone.

After that I determined I would surrender to Him, because He actually cared for me that much.

One night only a week or two later as Chris and I said our nightly prayers I couldn't stop praying. I began to weep. I told God that I knew what I needed to do, but I didn't know how. So being a very visual person I began to show God in pictures what I wanted to do.

I stood in the holy of holies in heaven at the mercy seat and set my hands on the altar, then my mouth, etc. as the old hymn says

And here is where the Holy Spirit took over as God spoke to me... He said "that isn't enough, I need all of you"

So I mentally crawled up on the altar

He then replied "Who did the placement upon the altar?"

I said "I did"

He said "that is not surrender"

And then the Spirit showed me what surrender was.... the image of the crucifixion... I am crucified with Christ. Reckon that I am dead...

Weeping I stretched out upon the floor and the hardest thing I ever did was lay my arms apart from my body... for I cannot drive the final nail myself, I cannot crucify myself... In Christ I am crucified... even my strength to surrender was of Him. And I gave Him all that night. And then kneeling at my couch I begged the Spirit of God that had shown me that picture to fill me with Himself.

I don't know what anyone else thinks about that night, but I know that I've been different that night. I like what George Mueller called His surrender "2nd conversion" That's what it felt like... Only better... I had a greater peace, a greater joy, a greater love, a greater freedom, a greater liberty, a greater KNOWING of my Saviour, a greater giving heart, a greater zeal for God, a heart to share...

Ask Chris J... I am so in love with my Jesus... my God... I am weeping right now writing this. It's all about Jesus. I can't even stand myself sometimes I'm so in awe of Him. He fills me so full that I don't know what to do.

Not saying that I'm not human, that I don't mes up, that I don't get down, etc... cuz I do... but there's this knew presence, and I don't mean like knowing that you are saved kinda presence. I mean like HOLY COW! JESUS is IN THIS PLACE right now! I can reach out and touch HIM!! He is so HERE that I can almost see Him. At least... I know where He is in the room, He's right there beside me, smiling at me. And His Spirit is all around the two of us like a welcoming embrace... And God the Father up in Heaven is just rejoicing over it all!

Do I sound crazy? So be it... It's a wonderful kind of crazy


2 Cor. 7:11 'yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal'

Surrender and Spirit-filled go very much together, in my experience.