Inablility

September 10, 2007
From time to time in my life I am overwhelmed with the sense of how small I really am. How weak I really am. How unworthy I really am. This is one of those times. In fact it is so great of a feeling that even looking at "I" makes me feel like more than I deserve. It would be more appropriate to change that big "I" to a small "i" as truly that is where i belong. Faced with what God may have in store for my future i cannot imagine why He would even think of me. i can't even begin to describe how i feel about that. To think that He would want me to serve Him in any capacity puts me in awe... and then reminds me of how truly unable i am to do any of it! Simply put: i can't do it. i am not able to serve Him. i am not capable of being His chosen vessel in any area of life. i'm just a girl, just a mother, just a wife... why does He look at me? So many times i mess up in my day to day life and cry out to Him to fix it... beg Him to live my day through me to prevent anymore crazy mistakes. He knows i can't do anything. He knows i've barely started my journey with Him. But OH! How i love Him! My eyes fill with tears thinking of all He is to me... all He's done for me. He's more than i ever dreamed. More than i ever could possibly hope for. More than i deserve. And He chose me! And here He is again whispering to me that He has a plan for my life... i can't deny it. Whether in the immediate future, or a few years from now, He wants to use me! He wants to use this vessel! i can't say i am not excited at the thought, but i'm terrified as well; for the truth is, without Him, i'm nothing at all.
Once again i'm at that altar of God emptied out of all i am... all my failures, all my mistakes. Wait. Even my accomplishments and my talents must be placed at His feet for in my hands they become tainted with my pride and selfishness. All that i am.

Here they are Lord. Here i am. All i need is you! Fill me with Yourself. For it is only then that i can be used of you. A vessel to honour. No treasure of myself, all the treasure is You. Maybe that's why You chose me...? A yielded heart, a humble spirit? i do not know Lord, but your will be done!