Laying down my pride..... Again!!!

Nov 16, 2007

So I'm going along lately feeling like everything is out of control... again... Let me start with a short little thing about me: They say that what you doodle on paper tells a lot about you, and from the time I was a young teenager until about three years ago I always drew spirals all over everything (along with hearts and stars and smiley faces). The heart stood for love, stars for my dreams and the smiley for my bubbly personality, but I never knew why I drew the spirals. And I drew them like crazy. One day Chris told me that it's common for people who feel like they aren't in control of their life to draw those, or something like that... I thought it was an interesting hypothesis, but didn't really think any more about it. So then a few years later I realized one day that I no longer drew them and connected the dots to figure out that it was because my life was leveling out. I wasn't feeling so crazy... I was more in control.

Said all that to say this: Here I am about a year after I decided that I wasn't the one that was supposed to be in control of my life. I realized it was supposed to be Jesus that was in charge... things were going OK until the last few months. Things have been happening that are so insanely out of my hands... things that I don't like. Things that scare me. Things that sometimes make me worried, scared, angry. People I can't change, circumstances that are beyond my control, a life that I'm living that isn't what I would have chosen, a dream that I have that I feel is from God that seems unattainable because of other things that He has put in my life right now. I'm feeling like that straight line that had become my life is twisting up into another curly que and I don't know how to stop it. I'm having irrational thoughts again, insomnia, headaches, panic attacks, ect. I even made myself vomit the other day....
So what's up? I gave it all to God, and He's supposed to fix it all right? It's not supposed to be like this... why is my life this intense struggle of taking a spiral curl and trying to flatten it out with a straightening iron? About the time I get a good section done the humidity comes out and frizzes it.
It's not supposed to be like this is it? This feeling of being out of place... feeling like I'm living the wrong life...
So here I am on one of the worst days of my life, knowing that it is just going to get worse... and dreading the rest of it with that ache in the pit of my stomach... surfing the internet to try and forget for a few minutes when I stumble upon (literally! Stumble Upon the firefox add on) this music search engine where you can create your own playlist for myspace. Phenomenal idea! So I put on my headphones (kids are napping, don't want to disturb them) and start thinking of all my favorite artists and notice a bit of a theme in many of my favorite songs.... surrender to Jesus, living in grace, etc. The life that I chose to live. "Yea, God, I know... that's me! Surrendered to you!" I say to Him and continue on with my searching until I type in Jeremy Camp (LOVE HIM!) and click on the song Lay Down My Pride.

BAM! Jesus hits me over the head with it and I'm crying and playing the song over and over again (listening it to it right now!) with only one thought in my head: what a stubborn idiot I am, and will I ever get it? and I should lay down on the floor at his feet right now right here in front of the computer desk. (OK that was three thoughts, but I'm shaking right now with conviction so don't expect me to be completely rational!) Here I am 'living the surrendered life' and at the same time worrying about 'living the surrendered life' I've been taking it all back from Him again. The spiral is spiraling because I'm letting it. I'm taking the flattening iron back from Jesus' hands. He's the one who straightened out my life to this point... all I can do is mess it up. He's throwing all these things at me to see how I handle it; to see if I can still let Him keep the reigns through it all. Apparently I've been failing miserably. Jesus, you know Rebecca... It's all about me. And when I see something that's not working, or out of place I take it personally... I have to fix it and make it work. It's a reflection on me if it doesn't. But that's not true... it's a reflection on YOU. You bring things into my life and you are the one who is supposed to fix them or not through me. My life should be a reflection of you not me. My pride is meaningless and only gets in the way of what you are able to accomplish in my life. And you did so much in leaving heaven and going in the cross so that you could live through me.... and when I don't let you I'm slapping you in the face. I'm rejecting the precious gift that you offer. I am crucified in you because you were crucified and because you offered your life to me. I can say not I but Christ because of what you did. How can I walk away from that most beautiful and precious sacrifice? It is nothing for me to give myself to you in return, to lay my life down for you... and yet "I" keep getting in the way. OH!! what must you do to drill it into my head that "I" do not exist anymore... it's just YOU.
Well here I am now again giving me to you again. Take my life in whatever direction you need to take it.

Lay Down My Pride
Jeremy Camp

Every single word I say
You know it before I speak
You know every thought
The deepest part of me

You draw me close and then I see
Your presence is every thing I need to be
The child that you've created me to be
Ready now to see it your way

CHORUS
Lay down my pride
My desires my demise
Ready now to see it your way
'cause I'm done I'm through ignoring you now it's true
I'm kneeling at the cross of your grace
Lay down my pride

I was faced with passing time
But I knew the choice was mine
To finally come to you
And give you all control
I've wandered miles to find my way
And then you revealed this simple thing
I know that you can see the secrets of my soul

CHORUS
Lay down my pride
My desires my demise
Ready now to see it your way
'cause I'm done I'm through ignoring you now it's true
I'm kneeling at the cross of your grace
Lay down my pride
(repeat)

The cross the blood you shed for me
Your back was ripped and bruised
So I can know your love
I kneel I bow to you my king

CHORUS
Lay down my pride
My desires my demise
Ready now to see it your way
'cause I'm done I'm through ignoring you now it's true
I'm kneeling at the cross of your grace
Lay down my pride
(repeat)

No fair...

Have you ever been in a place where you just knew God was going to do something really huge, and you are anticipating it, begging for it, and can almost taste it... but then he points the finger of conviction on you and says that there's something you are doing that is keeping the something really huge from happening? Been there, done that - yesterday morning in Sunday School.
We have been praying for the Holy Spirit to do something amazing in our church for a while, and in keeping with that my husband has been teaching on the Holy Spirit and revivals in Sunday School for several months. It just gets more and more exciting with every passing week as we think about what God has done and what he can do. The last three weeks I have felt inside of me an intensity of passion for Christ and what he is going to do in our church like I have never felt before. I'm experiencing worship in a whole new way, and I am sure that others are feeling the same way.
But then as my husband read of missionary Jonathan Goforth restoring a relationship with another missionary, my heart began pounding with conviction. There was something in my life that wasn't right. Somewhere that I was prideful and refusing to admit my fault. Someone that I claim to love dearly that I was hurting very much. And as Goforth's obedience to God brought about revival, so to would my obedience to God lead us one step closer to what he has for us as a church.
I confess, I am too prideful, too stubborn, and too focused on getting my own way, and on top of that I have a certain unwillingness to admit any wrong on my part when I feel that I have been wronged in the first place.
I wanted to make it right as soon as possible, I really did...
Revival starts in the individual hearts of men; revival starts with confessing of sin; revival starts with apologies and forgiveness to others even when you think that you are in the right. Revival brings unity, and that unity can't be had when we are not showing real love for one another.
I know this and yet I held back all day yesterday from what I knew I needed to do.
This morning in my Bible reading I read in my Bible something that I really wanted to be true for me. I prayed about it, and God reminded me about that little issue I needed to take care of with that certain someone.
NO FAIR, God.
It has become obvious to me that any further spiritual growth will be severely stunted until I make this matter right.
Caught between pride and my desire for Christ.
How surrendered am I?
So I called this person and told them that it was imperative that I speak with them tonight.
I'm afraid. Afraid to admit my faults. Afraid that this person who of course is not blind to my imperfections will not only be unwilling to accept my apology, but be full of other short comings that have not even been brought to my attention at this time.
I can't do this, but Jesus can. He wants me to do it, so he must be planning on being there for it.
I guess that will have to be my consolation for now...