My spiritual journey: moments of clarity, ponderings, and vast irritations

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Didn't expect that!

So lately I've been getting really discouraged about our current church situation... In fact I was even planning on starting to go church hunting again. We would continue going to the Saturday eve services, and I would go to different churches by myself on Sunday mornings until I found something to try as a family.

There are multiple reasons for this which I will not get into, but the hardest thing for me in this decision was how clearly God led us to attend Heritage. I know that's where he led us! Yet... I'm having such a hard time...

I almost didn't go tonight. I had a headache and sore throat anyway (allergies! HATE 'em!), so figured I'd just go to bed early or something. Chris insisted I go, reminding me that the times that we least desire to go to church God is most likely going to do something amazing.

He was right!

It was a very good service. The worship band did songs that I know and love, the sermon was fantastic, and we did communion! In fact, of all the services we've been there, this was probably the most Spirit-led, in my opinion. However, I was still sulky.

Without going into everything, let's just say I am having a really hard time not being involved in each and every aspect of ministry, especially music... and I miss having friends and fellowship! I feel swallowed up in a big church. It's lonely!

Anyway, long story short, before we left we got to spend some time chatting with a very nice couple from the church. (We sit near them in the services and had already exchanged names. They have been the only people outside of a couple of the elders who recognize us and say hi on a weekly basis.) I left tonight feeling much better about going there. I really didn't expect to find a reason to stay tonight, but I did! lol

Friends will come! It takes time! :)

God knew what he was doing in leading us there, so I need to just get over all my issues and see what he wants to do.

Plan #1: start going to adult volleyball night on Friday's (just me... Chris isn't into sports, and I need peeps more than he does!)
Plan #2: find a kid friendly small group

We'll see where it leads...

(This wasn't up to my usual blogging standards, but I'm exhausted, Meagan is screeching for attention and I feel rushed! That's life! lol)

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Being in a dry place

Passion! Fire! Excitement! Joy! Oh, what splendors at the master's feet! How thrilling to be soaking up new and wondrous things every time you turn around! Abandoned in worship, fulfilled in love, steeped in desire for your Saviour, every day is a brand new chance to fall in love deeper and know him more fully. There are constantly chances to pour out on others around you, to minister Christ!

Let it never end!


Then it does.

Does it have to? Should it? Is there something wrong with me? What's going on? Why did this happen? When did it change? When will it be like it was again? Is there sin in my life? Did Jesus leave me? Did I leave him? On and on the questions come to mind, the frustration, the hurt, the longing to go back...

So here I am once again in this dry desert place...

And I'm asking these questions once again...

And the answer comes to me! I have new things to learn that I've never learned before. Things I've never needed to know before. I have learned of the marvelous grace of Jesus, I have learned to bask in his precious love. I have learned to minister to others in worship in such a way that they are drawn to have what I have. I have learned to walk in such joy that even in sorrow and depression there is a song in my heart... a melody of praise to Jesus! I have been in a place where these truths were easy to obtain, where others were there to help spark my excitement. I have had little need of getting alone with God and searching for his face as he was so quickly revealed to me at any moment; so accessible like the very fingers on my hands.

Now we have moved away from my wonderful church family... away from that atmosphere where the Spirit so easily spoke with me. Away from the people I loved so dearly that I begged to know God better in order to lead them closer to Him...

Here I am just another person in the pew. Here I sit alone, no ministry of my own, and insignificant number among thousands. Here I look around at the faces of people who do not know how to worship, who do not know God... and I am saddened. Saddened because they cannot help lead me into that place of abandon to Jesus, and saddened because I cannot help them either. I'm hearing the same old same old stuff that I already know, no new tidbits to ponder, no deep truths to excite me. (ok, not entirely true... there have been some cool things, just not weekly like it used to be) I seem to have forgotten some of the things that were so real to me just months ago... something is lost, missing... but what?

And God whispers to me... 'learn to walk in the Spirit on your own... you won't always have others around you to encourage you in the Lord. You won't always have a ministry to plug into that causes you to desire me more. Sometimes you must bury yourself in my word, search for me with all your heart, yield yourself to a new chapter in our relationship... there is more to be had than you realize!'

Alone. Me and Jesus. Jesus and me. Alone together. No one else. A love that gets better with time, grows deeper the more that I know him. So it feels dry and dusty right now... doesn't mean I can't go into my own worship session at home. Doesn't mean I can't dig deeper into the word to learn something new. The truths of my Saviour can never be exhausted!! I was in a wonderful, passionate and intimate love relationship with him, and now I have entered a time of deepening friendship, of greater knowing of who he is. And from personal experience with my marriage, that can only lead to deeper passion and desire! If deeper friendship with my earthly husband leads to better romance, how much more getting to know my heavenly betrothed!! He is nothing but perfection!

So, this is not a cruel punishment from God, he's still with me like always! In fact in many ways it's the best thing to happen for me! What an opportunity to get to know Jesus better! It's time for me to realize that everything I need is right here inside of me right now in the form of the Spirit of God and that even if church gets utterly boring there is no boredom in Him! Even if I have no friends or family near by to talk about what Jesus is doing, I can talk to Him at any moment. He will never leave me or forsake me! Never never!! And even if there is no church ministry outlet for my overflowing cup, there is still the whole world!