I won't go back to how it was

So, there is something that Jesus has wanted of me for weeks. Something that I did not want to even think about, but something that he would let me forget about. When he asks for surrender in an area of your life, that issue seems to come up all the time and drive you crazy! 'So, just what did Jesus ask of you,' you wonder? Well, it was something that I was afraid to tell my husband about... first of all because I want nothing to do with it, secondly because once spoken I would actually have to act upon it, and thirdly because I was afraid that God was speaking to him about the very same thing. Of course, Chris finally pried it out of me this week, on Monday to be exact.

You see, back in June we had these missionaries come in who are headed to Brazil, specifically in the Amazon river area of Jutai. You should know, I have always loved missionaries, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that I adored Jon and Jessica Reed... but it was more than that. I felt this strange affinity for them. I was moved by the q&a time, the video, and the preaching. This also shouldn't seem odd for me, except that I haven't cared like that in a long time. I felt myself fighting to retain my composure, fighting not to let it affect me. But it was there under the surface. I was nervous. Meanwhile my husband was weeping by the end of the service. He too had not been affected by missionaries in that way for some time. Whatever was going on with him, I sure didn't want to know about! In talking with Jessica, I had this funny thought that I couldn't let go... "She's my age. She can't go there all by herself. She needs a girlfriend. A companion. We should go with them just so they aren't lonely." I rebelled at the thought. NO WAY! We've done deputation before, and I never want to repeat it! Plus, I've never been called to missions, and I am quite comfortable where I am thank you!

Chris started learning Portuguese. I humored him and learned a few phrases, (Estou perdido!) but wanted nothing to do with it... except that I kept being drawn to Google searches about Brazil, Portuguese and the Amazon River. One Wednesday night Chris was teaching on hearing God. The map of Brazil was still on the wall behind him, and I was drawn to look at the province where J&J will be going. I heard God whisper, "Tell me you'll go there." He didn't say I was supposed to go there, he just wanted me to give him my future. Surrender to the possibility. NO WAY! It has eaten me alive ever since.

When I told Chris about it, he was floored. He had prayed that God would speak to me, but had given up. It's an impossible dream anyway. And he had felt the same strange affinity for Jon as I felt for Jessica. Weird. Still I wouldn't surrender. Until yesterday. I had just left the bookstore after buying The Message, and a song came on the radio. This certain song has in the past made me angry with the guy who sings it because he has found something I have not, It has made me sad, it has filled me with longing for the place where I belong.

I listened this time, instead of singing along and the words spoke to me like never before...


This is Home by Switchfoot

I've got my memories
They're always
Inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe now
I've seen too much
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I've never known

Chorus:
This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
It's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone

(Chorus)

And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I'm gonna call it home

(Chorus)

Now I know
Yeah, this is home

I've come too far
Now I won't go back
This is home


Created for a place I've never known. Yeah, I feel like that. But I'm starting to get glimpses of it. I can't go back to where I was... where I was content. Where I didn't search for what God had for me. I want to find that place. When the chorus of the song started, I began to weep, because all I could see in my mind was an aerial shot of the Amazon River meandering through the jungle. And God said, Surrender. It was really unfair of him. All I want is a place to call home, and he wants me to surrender to a place that I don't think I could ever call home. But I did. I told him I would go. I had no choice. I have to find that place that I know is my own. I have to get there. If it's the Amazon, then I have to go there. If it's not, then OK (make that GREAT! LOL). But unless I surrender I will never know. So we traded - my surrender, for being one step closer to finding my place. He didn't say that I have to go there, I should go there, I am going there. In fact he hasn't said that to my husband either. Once again he wanted to see if I was willing. There is no sense in him telling me my destiny, if I'm not willing to do the things that he asks of me.

So am I supposed to go to the Amazon? I don't know. God would have to speak to Chris on it quite a bit, and a lot more to me as well. Being willing and being called are a bit different!

Where to serve....

So my husband found this great site on spiritual gifts, and it has a section to help you figure out what ministry you should serve in depending on where your strengths lie.
(http://mintools.com/ministries.htm) The gift categories are a bit different than the test I took, but here are the 8 gifts I scored highest in with ministry options (these links go to the website for more info on those ministry areas)

service (this is where my writing and music fall under)
benevolence/caring
clerical
communications
hospitality
service-oriented
staff-support
worship

hospitality
benevolence/caring
hospitality

discernment
discernment
prayer
staffing
staff-support
visionary

administration
Christian education
staffing
staff-support

leadership
Christian education
visionary

apostle
outreach
visionary

missionary outreach

Well, I don't feel like I'm any closer to what I'm supposed to do, but I know some areas in the church that I can try. I already do worship team and hospitality. I can rule out Christian education because I am NOT a teacher, and I can rule out some parts of benevolence because I do not have mercy or helps, but some of it is my type of hospitality... like sending cards, making meals, etc...

So what does that leave... the things that stand out to me are staff-support, visionary, and communications (here's where I could use my writing skills!).

Just what is my place in the church?

Hmmmm... still as confused as ever. I guess I'll keep doing what I know for now. Music! :0)

I'm so glad I got up this morning!!

I'm weeping as I write this. I was complaining last night about having no time to read the Bible... and that Jesus doesn't wake me up to read anymore... and that I could never get up regularly to an alarm clock... and now here I am wide awake. I woke up around 6:00? I was awake a few times before that but went back to sleep. I lay there for a while, but all I could think about was getting up to read my Bible. "Nah, I'm to tired," I thought. Then when I had myself about convinced that it really was Jesus that wanted me to get up and read and that I should probably listen, my next excuse was that I wouldn't know where to read at. Suddenly Colossians was strongly impressed upon me, but that could have been me, right? So I shrugged it off and tried to get back to sleep. The thought was insistent, so I was like ok then, but I'm having a real hard time reading lately, and my Pastor said that maybe I'd enjoy reading a paraphrase like the Message sometimes and I don't have on yet. I don't want to read this morning, I would maybe read that, but I can't so I have to go back to sleep. Then I have this strong thought that I could of course read the Message on the internet because everything is on the internet. I could even read Colossians in the Message on the internet. Excuse me? Is that you Jesus? It must be, because all I want to do is sleep, and it seems to me like you are explaining away all of my excuses and giving me direction all at the same time. So about 6:30 I dragged myself out of bed. I pulled up BibleGateway.com, finally figured out how to open up the Message, which I have never really read before other than brief passages in books or someone else reading me a quick example, and I began to read. I don't know if it was hearing something that I've heard over and over a different way (I've become almost deaf to it in the past?), I don't know if it was that it sounded as if Paul and Jesus were standing right here talking to me in 2008, I don't know if it was because it was the exact passage in the exact version (paraphrase ;0) ) that Jesus wanted me to read, but I began to weep. And it spoke to me about things that I've been dealing with. And it answered questions that I've had. And it was so beautiful.
I really felt that He was thankful for me! Somebody is singing praises of thanksgiving for me! I felt that when Paul wrote that, he was thinking of me, and beyond that Jesus was thinking of me. I feel so many times as if I don't matter. As if I could disappear from the world and no one would even notice. But someone is thankful to the point of spilling over for me!
Here's verse 9-12: "

Be assured that from the first day we heard of you, we haven't stopped praying for you, asking God to give you wise minds and spirits attuned to his will, and so acquire a thorough understanding of the ways in which God works. We pray that you'll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard. As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us."

To make the Master proud of me? That's what I long for! To not give up and quit? To have strength that endures? To not have that mindset of I'm just going to make it one more day, but I might not make it tomorrow? To actually have real Jesus joy and Jesus thankfulness and Jesus strength? To enjoy life? This would be to experience that life more abundant that Jesus talked about. This is what Paul wants for ME! This is what Jesus wants for ME! And he prays for me to have it! It is attainable... somehow. I want this.
Vs. 13-14:

God rescued us from dead-end alleys and dark dungeons. He's set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much, the Son who got us out of the pit we were in, got rid of the sins we were doomed to keep repeating.

With this depression, I feel like I am in a dead-end alley and a dark dungeon... but that's not where I am in Christ. This is a good reminder.

We look at this Son and see God's original purpose in everything created. For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels—everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him.

I may not know what it is now, but I have a purpose! He says I do! I feel purposeless, just as I feel I don't matter to people (worthless, I suppose). But Jesus says everything finds it's purpose in Him. Perhaps I have not searched in the correct places for my purpose?

So spacious is he, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross.

Here it is again... everything finds it's place in God, but even more so, everything that is broken gets fixed and put back together! Wow! That's me, alright! And even better than it was before...we get put back together into a beautiful song. If I look to him as the source of my purpose and my place He will fix my brokenness. He will rescue me from my darkness. He will place the strength and joy in my heart to serve him with out tiring... because it is he who gives me the song to sing for him! It is that song that gives him pride in me! I can't make him proud in and of myself, can I? wow... He does it all. He gives it all. It's almost more than I can comprehend in one morning.

And finally... Jesus says to me, "Don't give up!"
21-22

You yourselves are a case study of what he does. At one time you all had your backs turned to God, thinking rebellious thoughts of him, giving him trouble every chance you got. But now, by giving himself completely at the Cross, actually dying for you, Christ brought you over to God's side and put your lives together, whole and holy in his presence. You don't walk away from a gift like that! You stay grounded and steady in that bond of trust, constantly tuned in to the Message, careful not to be distracted or diverted.

So.... I'm glad that I got up this morning!

Vision, Purpose, Dreams, and Goals

I read Pastor Tim's blog the other day, and I realized that I don't have a vision. I have long lists of goals that I want to accomplish (yep! I have an amazing life list!), but if I were honest with myself, I have no idea where I will be when they are accomplished. They are all great things of course, but what is their purpose? Beyond that, what is my real place in the world? What is my purpose in existence? I'm 25 years old, and I don't know what I'm supposed to be when I grow up. I know a million things that I'd like to be, that I'm interested in being, that I may even have a passion about being, but what is my niche? Even more important, where does God want me? Did he screw up when he made me? Am I an accident? If I were made for a purpose, wouldn't I know it by now? My husband is called to the ministry... he knows it. He knew it shortly after he got saved. He has the gift of teaching, an amazing ability to preach, and a huge heart for most anything ministry including missions. I don't know my gifts, I don't know my abilities, and don't really know where my heart lies. Is it in the church? Is it in the home? Is it in a secular job? Just because he's in the ministry doesn't mean I have to be... But at the same time because he is I may be... I'm musically talented, but is that my gift? I don't know. I've often dreamed of being a worship leader, but is that God's dream for me or mine? Most of my goals are silly ones like learning how to ride a motorcycle, quilting my first quilt, flying a plane, bungee jumping, going on a Mediterranean cruise, getting a full body massage, making more married friends so we can go out more, going back to college someday, etc... But what do they really accomplish except giving me a few more experiences? I thought that being a Party Lite consultant would be the it job for me... but I'm already feeling bored with it. (could be from the depression, who knows!) Seems like it always goes like that for me... I do something for 3-6 months and then I want to move on. You could blame it on a restless spirit, you could call me a quitter, but I say it's because I haven't yet found my calling. I think about what to do next... cosmetology school, law school, business school, to name a few of my often thought about options, and I can't decide which one I'd be happiest doing... which one I'd stick too. Which one would I get a degree in and get certified in and actually do something with? I got a degree in medical assisting. I never got certified. I was so bored with it by the time it was almost over that almost quit before I graduated. (It wasn't much of a challenge either...) So here's the deal... I could keep going from thing to thing, trying this and that, getting bored, being unchallenged, or whatever the case may be.... OR I could actually find my vision. My God-given dream. I really don't feel like I have one. I don't think I do. I talked to Pastor about it, and he said that it's in there, but it's buried deep under all the baggage of life. Somewhere deep inside me is the dream that God gave me when I was a little girl, long before I was tainted by the world, others, and my self. Before I was even saved, God gave me a dream. Now I have to resurrect it somehow. How? I'm not sure. But I have to. I have no choice. I refuse to live my life feeling worthless, and purposeless, without place or vision. I may be a mostly happy and optimistic person most of the time, but if you don't have vision, your gonna end up down in the dumps. Vision is why you move forward. Vision is why you don't quit. I don't have that. Nope. Don't have it.
I'm supposed to read DreamGiver by Bruce Wilkinson. I mooched it from BookMooch, and should have it by the end of next week.