Not I But Christ

Here I am wide awake while all the rest of the house sleeps. I've been up for a couple hours now. I've played games, checked my facebook, and even taken a shower, and still my mind will not quiet down! So I began to pray. Okay God... I'm awake. What's up? My mind quickly wandered to different things, and I found that what I was most focused on was my upcoming audition for the worship team at church. I'm really kinda nervous about it! What to play, what to sing... should I sing? Maybe I should just do the keys. Will I be able to perform the song they give me? Am I going to practice the song they already sent me enough. Will I choose the right hymn to sing acapella? Should I do a song that I've written, and if so which one is the best? Will I pass the audition? Am I good enough.... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! My mind wouldn't shut up! And then it hit me! I should not be auditioning! I am not good enough to do it! My talents are nothing! I have every reason in the world to worry, stress and freak out! Unless...... I remember WHO gave me the talent. Jesus is the giver of my gifts and talents! And would he give me something and then leave me to handle it all by myself? No way! He is working through me to use those things he has bestowed. Jesus will be auditioning next week, Jesus will choose the songs, Jesus will decide if I sing and play or just play. Jesus will cause my talent to shine or not. It's all up to him. I am just the vessel ready and waiting to be used. I desire to worship him in music more than anything in the world... He knows that, and is waiting for me to ask him to take over! So, Jesus, will you take care of things for me? I'm afraid and feel less than confidant in myself, but I can trust in you! You who gave the psalmist the words to write, you who gave the angels voices to sing, you who delight over us with singing, you the creator of all music, you who placed in me a new song and a desire to sing and write for you... You can do this! So, here and now I put my voice, fingers and mind into your capable hands. I will now rest in peace knowing it's all under control! You led me to sign up for the audition, you will perform the audition, and you will hand me the results! (So, could you please do an awesome job and give me the thumbs up?)

Perhaps a little unfair...

Upon reflection, I was perhaps a little unfair to you, Lord. You have been present in our lives... just not in the miraculously huge way that I feel that we really need. There was that awesome gift we received on Sunday that I didn't even thank you for, and I apologize. You do show in little things along the way that you are here. In fact, funny thing is, you have been more present in some ways than you have been in a long time. What ways? Oh, like waking me up in the morning to spend time with you, like speaking to me through your word... you have been more real to me this year than you have been in a long time. If you seek me you will find me if you search for me with all your heart... and I've been seeking. I've had no choice but to seek. My heart has found joy in nothing else. Fulfillment in no other thing. You have become my ultimate obsession. And indeed, I have found you... and yet I am still far from satisfied. I know there is more. I know that I have not yet discovered all that is to be found in you. You are beyond my comprehension, far above my understanding. I can always go deeper, wider, farther into you. And I long for it - for that ultimate satisfaction that is found in being fully in love with my Saviour. And yet when circumstances of life get tough, who do I blame? You. The one person in my life who always gets me. The one person in my life who I should trust 100% of the time with everything I am. You are the first one that I blame. I feel abandoned. I feel alone. I know it isn't true. You said you will never leave me. You will never forsake me. But were those just words? Sometimes I feel that you are a taker. You take from me everything that I am willing to give to you, and you give nothing back. That is so unfair. But what is more unfair? You being a taker, or me feeling that you are. You who gave yourself... your very life for me. You who gave up everything so that I could live... So that I could be one with you... So that I could spend eternity with you. I am the most unloyal of friends. The most undeserving of your servants. Trust? What do I know of it? Faith? It is as a foreign word to me. I want to know more of your mercy, but want to learn little of patience. I want to learn more of your love, but less of longsuffering. I want to learn of your compassion, and less of trials and tribulations. I want to experience more of being under the shadow of your wings, and less of carrying your cross. These tears. You see them, right? I know you do. And you have the power to wipe them away. To reach down with your peace, with your reassurance that it's all ok. That you are going to fix it. That you aren't molding me into the woman you want me to be for nothing. You aren't setting me up for failure. Because right now, that's all I feel like. So yes, I know you are here, I know that you are present in my life, and I know that I am likely the one who needs to learn the lesson here, but this once I'd love to have you come down and just make it all go away. Of course, it won't happen. I will cry. I will wait. I will learn. I will trust. I will grow. Somewhere on the other side of all of this I may even laugh. At least I know that even though there are times that I feel like it , I'm not alone - you are here. I can talk to you. We can be closer than ever before. Thank you for that.