Missionary...

A missionary is not a 'church-planter,' or a 'soul-winner,' a missionary is being Jesus to the world. It is ME being MYSELF to the world, but the key here is that the ME is Christ 'as me,' 'in me', and 'through me.' Being a missionary is allowing Jesus to do whatever it is that Christ has created you to do to your fullest potential in the world.

This was my most recent facebook status... There are many things going through my head tonight after our missions conference weekend, so I thought I'd type them up now.

When I was a child I had a "calling" to missions. Looking back on it, I realize that it was very much peer pressure, and not the Spirit of God. It was the 'accepted' thing to do, and it was something I knew I would get positive feedback for. I lived for acceptance! What I really wanted to do was go to med school, and so I added the whole 'missionary' thing on to it and decided to be a medical missionary. I wasn't saved at the time, and since I was continually looking to please my religious group and especially my pastor and parents, I felt guilty for pursuing something I wanted to do, and so dropped the medical part and decided to be a missionary's wife. Of course, Christopher was the love of my life from the time I was 14 years old, and I already knew he had a heart for missions... So I set my heart and mind to marry him and planned to be on the mission field in Ireland.

After marriage I figured out pretty quickly that I wasn't saved, and that I didn't have any desire for missions at all!!! What I really wanted was to go to college, get a degree and be rich! (the whole palomino ranch, sprawling 'Mediterranean style' mansion, and a yacht thing) I didn't want to disappoint my husband, or parents, or church by this (you gotta realize, we were very active in the church! At the time I was under the most conviction about salvation we were leading the youth at Bethel in Barberton), so I kept it to myself. In fact, I pushed Chris to go to Ireland, almost to the point of nagging! We were gonna make everybody, including Jesus, proud! I was going to be mamma's and preacher's pet forever!

During this time of struggle (read my testimony! I really had a hard time admitting that I needed Christ! After all, I had led people to the Lord, never done anything wrong... etc. It was kinda like I'd always been saved! On top of that I had the story my mom told me about praying when I was 4, and I kept going back to that as an excuse), We were at the Bread of Life Camp Meeting and heard about Sri Lanka for the first time. All the missionary needed was someone to come help pass out tracts. I was SOO there! Adventure! I'd never been out of the country before (just over the border in Canada doesn't REALLY count, does it??), and this was the perfect way to get brownie points!! Not only was it a foreign country, but it is considered a part 10 40 window. It was a largely unreached country! It was even kinda scary!

I got saved about two weeks before we left for our trip! WOW! It was very awesome to have my first major experience as a true Christ-follower be on the foreign field like that. It was very life changing. I came back all fired up and insisting that we should go there full time. In fact, I really pushed at Chris to go there! (LOL more nagging!) Of course, he had a huge burden to go back, because he breathes missions! We are talking about Mr. Christopher Dennison, the guy who would pray over individual countries and ask God if that's the one he was supposed to go to!

So we set out on deputation. :)

This was a very difficult time for me. I was really going for so many wrong reasons: emotional high after salvation, adventure, acceptance, and on and on! I HATED deputation. I truly did. I hated pretending to be somebody I wasn't at all the churches we went to. It was soo fake! But we had to jump through the hoops if we wanted support. Inside, all I wanted to do was quit and live a 'normal' life. I had fears that we would get to the mission field, someone would come check up on us and find out the real me and we would get kicked off the field. I was terrified every waking moment that I would crack the wrong eggshell in front of the wrong person. And I didn't really want to live in Sri Lanka forever... Sure, I loved it there, loved the people...

Then I was hospitalized with a terrible pregnancy... I knew it was God wanting me to surrender my life to him, but I refused. I knew that at any moment if I gave it all to Jesus including the deputation and SriLanka that I would be healed... but a HUGE part of me was happy that I couldn't go to churches with Chris anymore. I welcomed the distraction of being stuck in a hospital bed. (Sad, huh?)

Anyway, if any of you follow Chris' blog ( www.myjourneyswithjesus.blogspot.com ) you probably know the story of how we ended up leaving the deputation trail. The eggshell I soo feared was cracked! Chris and I spent months of Bible study and came to believe a different eschatological view than our mission board/sending church/supporting churches. We had signed a statement of faith and knew it was only right to tell them the truth about where we now stood. We were instantly dropped from all our support. So, I got my wish, but it was still devastating. We were well on our way to getting to Sri Lanka before this occur ed.

Since then people have questioned us, "Weren't you called there?" "When are you going back?" etc, and even leveled accusations such as, "You are out of the will of God for you life," and "You should be in Sri Lanka right now, so it doesn't matter how God is using you where you are at." HA! It's very amusing to me. I look back and I know that God knew we were not ready for that! I was not ready for that. I had a long way to grow, and much to learn before I could be involved in that kind of full time ministry. I had a lot of preconceived ideas that needed to be eliminated, and a lot of conforming to the image of Christ to do! I am thankful that we did not end up on the field then! I have learned so many things that I would never have learned had we stayed in Baptist circles and had I gone to that country under the bondage of all that fear! At the same time, I know that every moment of the way we were walking with Jesus! Deputation and all, it was God's plan for our lives! 100%, no regrets, those were experiences that God used to shape me into who I am.

Fast Forward!!

We are now at Heritage Christian Church, and Sri Lanka has come up over and over again! And it's an extremely missions minded church. I have felt a tug in that direction, and have had no resistance to it. I'm excited to see what the Lord will do! We may very well end up there after all...

Ok, all that was to say this... If people ask me "Are you called to Sri Lanka" I would say "NO." You are shocked! I know! I heard the gasp! Let me bare my heart to you as plain as I can!

One of the greatest things that the Holy Spirit has taught me is that our desires are God-Given. When I surrendered my life to Christ three years ago, I surrendered my desires with it, and guess what??? I found that God gave them right back to me! In delighting in him, he gave me the desires of my heart! Only now, it's not me struggling to achieve my dreams, it's Christ achieving my dreams through me! AWESOME! So, right now, I have a huge desire to sell everything and move overseas... just MOVE! I don't even care where... Sri Lanka is as good a place as any to start, because I do have a genuine love for that island, those people. I have a huge desire to live the same life I live here over there somewhere in a land where people do not have the salt and light of Christianity. I want to make friends with people from different cultures and have them over for dinner. I want to laugh with them, cry with them, and just be Me! And I want to see people who have never heard the name of Jesus light up with joy when they are introduced to him for the first time. I want to bring freedom to people who are enslaved to religion and open their eyes to the greatness of the Creator God who loves them and is worthy of all their worship!! I picture myself sitting in a small group, sipping tea, playing the keys and singing, swapping stories, and building relationships.

Wait, I didn't mention church planting, did I? No, I didn't. Jesus will build his church, I am just salt and light! If we end up somewhere with enough people to form a church, well awesome, but if that ever comes, I pray that someone among our new friends will arise to lead it. I didn't mention mass evangelizing, because that's not my heart. Does that make me any less of a missionary?

So many people are terrified of missions because they think that the only people who can go are pastors, teachers, church planters and music people. Ok, so my husband can preach and teach and I do music, and most likely if the Lord allows us to go to the foreign field we will do both of those things, but that is not what defines a missionary!

"If you see the Church as just individuals, then a missionary is simply one person telling other people about Jesus. No problem. Anybody can do it. BUT, if you see the Church as a business-style organization, then only those with proper training and degrees can be missionaries. Hmmmm, no wonder so few people are going these days!!!" -Chris Dennison

Hope I haven't confused you all too terribly! I'm exhausted and my mind is whirling! :) This was a rapid download session!

Say What?!?!?!?!

It was literally out of nowhere. I was just minding my own business sitting on the couch at prayer meeting snuggling with baby Megs. I didn't bring my Bible because I knew I'd be holding the baby, and wouldn't want to have something else to keep track of. I came expecting Jesus to do something amazing, but this was not what I had in mind.

As the Bible study portion of the evening began, one of the gentlemen there began passing out Bibles to those who needed one. Did I look like I needed one sitting there with my arms wrapped tightly around my little one? I guess I did, because next thing I know he handed me one.

I stared at it for a moment and then figured I might as well use it, so as not to offend. "Turn with me if you would like to Matthew 9:35," Terry said. Okay, I suppose I will. This being healing prayer, I was not surprised at the verse choice.

"And Jesus went throughout all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction." (ESV)

That was Jesus alright! He was a regular healing ministry. Would have been fantastic to see that! Would have been amazing to experience that! Wow!

And that should have been it. Terry continued on with his notes, but for some reason my eyes lingered in Matthew 9...

After reading/hearing a passage of Scripture a thousand times plus, you would think I'd have 100% understanding of it; that there would be nothing left for the Holy Spirit to reveal to me. Right? WRONG!
Apparently the Spirit still has things to teach me... who would have thought??

Let's look at 9:35 again, but pay attention to the verses that follow (context!)

³⁵ And Jesus went throughout all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction. ³⁶ When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. ³⁷ Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; ³⁸therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest." (ESV)

What's this? Here we have one of the most well used verses of the great commission. Missionary after missionary has preached on needing laborers in the field. There's even the song that I have heard sung so many times, "My house is full, but my field is empty... who will go and work in my field." Jesus had compassion on this world of people lost, and on their way to hell. Jesus' only prayer request was for soul winners - missionaries. Get 'em saved, teach 'em and baptize 'em... end of story.

Ummm... not really! Context!!! He's not just talking about the state of their souls, he's also talking about healing their physical and emotional being! He has just spent all of chapter 8 and all of chapter 9 healing everyone with sickness and disease, and cleansing all of those who were possessed of demons. Now he looks out and sees these multitudes of sick, oppressed people and says, "If only I had more people to heal them all!" Wow! Now, I'm not saying that his only goal was physical and emotional healing, for that would be heresy. "For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost." Luke 19:10 (KJV) But what I am saying is that the kingdom that Jesus preached was soo much more than I ever realized!

Not sure you agree with me? Let's keep reading. Chapter 10 of Matthew starts out with Jesus giving authority to the 12 apostles to do what?

"And he called to him his twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every disease and every affliction." (ESV)

And then the commission:

"proclaim as you go, saying, 'The kingdom of heaven is at hand.' ⁸ Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, cast out demons." (ESV)

I have heard people say that this giving of authority to the apostles was a one time thing, having nothing to do with us. It was after all meant for 'the lost sheep of the house of Israel' (10:6 ESV) and not the Gentiles. If so, then we have no business pulling the harvest verse out and applying it to Matthew 28:18-20, and Jesus' only prayer request has nothing to do with us!!! OOPS!

This could not be more wrong! In Luke 10:1-17 Jesus then sends out 70 with the same authority and the same message. One could still think that this kingdom message was only to the Jews, except for Matthew 24:14

"And this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come." (ESV)

What gospel? The gospel that Jesus preached! What kingdom? Well, it's been called the Kingdom of God and the Kingdom of Heaven, but it's one and the same... It's Jesus' kingdom! It's Jesus' gospel! It's not just the death, burial and resurrection of Christ, although that is indeed the pure gospel (I Cor 15:1-4), it's also the miracle power of God giving us authority over sicknesses and disease. Sound kooky to you? What does the great commission verse of Matthew 28 say?

"ALL POWER IS GIVEN UNTO ME," therefore, go and teach and preach the gospel.

What good is the gospel of Christ without the power of the Holy Spirit? We are mere men. We can preach the gospel until we are blue in the face, but without that power and authority there will be no change in the hearts of men. Period. It would be better if angels came and preached, or if Jesus himself had remained on earth after the resurrection and continued his kingdom ministry.

And what exactly did Jesus give us power and authority for? Healing, raising the dead and casting out demons. Hmmm... Makes you think, doesn't it?

"And these signs shall follow them that believe" Mark 16:17 (KJV)

I won't go back to how it was

So, there is something that Jesus has wanted of me for weeks. Something that I did not want to even think about, but something that he would let me forget about. When he asks for surrender in an area of your life, that issue seems to come up all the time and drive you crazy! 'So, just what did Jesus ask of you,' you wonder? Well, it was something that I was afraid to tell my husband about... first of all because I want nothing to do with it, secondly because once spoken I would actually have to act upon it, and thirdly because I was afraid that God was speaking to him about the very same thing. Of course, Chris finally pried it out of me this week, on Monday to be exact.

You see, back in June we had these missionaries come in who are headed to Brazil, specifically in the Amazon river area of Jutai. You should know, I have always loved missionaries, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that I adored Jon and Jessica Reed... but it was more than that. I felt this strange affinity for them. I was moved by the q&a time, the video, and the preaching. This also shouldn't seem odd for me, except that I haven't cared like that in a long time. I felt myself fighting to retain my composure, fighting not to let it affect me. But it was there under the surface. I was nervous. Meanwhile my husband was weeping by the end of the service. He too had not been affected by missionaries in that way for some time. Whatever was going on with him, I sure didn't want to know about! In talking with Jessica, I had this funny thought that I couldn't let go... "She's my age. She can't go there all by herself. She needs a girlfriend. A companion. We should go with them just so they aren't lonely." I rebelled at the thought. NO WAY! We've done deputation before, and I never want to repeat it! Plus, I've never been called to missions, and I am quite comfortable where I am thank you!

Chris started learning Portuguese. I humored him and learned a few phrases, (Estou perdido!) but wanted nothing to do with it... except that I kept being drawn to Google searches about Brazil, Portuguese and the Amazon River. One Wednesday night Chris was teaching on hearing God. The map of Brazil was still on the wall behind him, and I was drawn to look at the province where J&J will be going. I heard God whisper, "Tell me you'll go there." He didn't say I was supposed to go there, he just wanted me to give him my future. Surrender to the possibility. NO WAY! It has eaten me alive ever since.

When I told Chris about it, he was floored. He had prayed that God would speak to me, but had given up. It's an impossible dream anyway. And he had felt the same strange affinity for Jon as I felt for Jessica. Weird. Still I wouldn't surrender. Until yesterday. I had just left the bookstore after buying The Message, and a song came on the radio. This certain song has in the past made me angry with the guy who sings it because he has found something I have not, It has made me sad, it has filled me with longing for the place where I belong.

I listened this time, instead of singing along and the words spoke to me like never before...


This is Home by Switchfoot

I've got my memories
They're always
Inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe now
I've seen too much
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I've never known

Chorus:
This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
It's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone

(Chorus)

And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I'm gonna call it home

(Chorus)

Now I know
Yeah, this is home

I've come too far
Now I won't go back
This is home


Created for a place I've never known. Yeah, I feel like that. But I'm starting to get glimpses of it. I can't go back to where I was... where I was content. Where I didn't search for what God had for me. I want to find that place. When the chorus of the song started, I began to weep, because all I could see in my mind was an aerial shot of the Amazon River meandering through the jungle. And God said, Surrender. It was really unfair of him. All I want is a place to call home, and he wants me to surrender to a place that I don't think I could ever call home. But I did. I told him I would go. I had no choice. I have to find that place that I know is my own. I have to get there. If it's the Amazon, then I have to go there. If it's not, then OK (make that GREAT! LOL). But unless I surrender I will never know. So we traded - my surrender, for being one step closer to finding my place. He didn't say that I have to go there, I should go there, I am going there. In fact he hasn't said that to my husband either. Once again he wanted to see if I was willing. There is no sense in him telling me my destiny, if I'm not willing to do the things that he asks of me.

So am I supposed to go to the Amazon? I don't know. God would have to speak to Chris on it quite a bit, and a lot more to me as well. Being willing and being called are a bit different!

I was born for this

Chapter 8 of the Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson is titled You Were Born for This. It has a few questions to go through to help to determine what your God-given dream/purpose is. So. What was I born for? After working through the questions, I'm still not certain, but in the spirit of keeping everything written down in one place for review at my leisure (you never know when something will just pop out at me one day and scream "DUH! How didn't you get this when you wrote it down!!!"), I will put all of the answers here in my blog.

1. "Think back to what you wanted to to while you were growing up. Don't settle for just the job description - a fireman, or movie star, or president. Think about what those roles meant to you then, and what they can reveal about your real interests and motivations now."

Hmm... I've already begun down this road a bit, but never with the question 'why did I want this career?' I would say curiosity, adventure, discovering something new, being the first to do something, and travel. As a marine biologist it was to discover new species of fish, and as an archaeologist it was to uncover lost civilizations. As a doctor it was to find the cure for cancer, or lupus, or some other disease. As a missionary or MAF pilot it was to discover lost tribes and learn unknown languages - to be the first to write their languages down, the first to give them a written passage of Scripture in their tongue. As a journalist it was to be a world traveler, to investigate everything, or as a novelist to learn about each subject everything that I could know even to the point of traveling there to see it myself. As a musician to travel and sing to crowds I didn't know, and as an actor to travel, and learn about time periods, people and places. There were also specific places that I just wanted to go to, and whole careers centered around that place. (such as Australian outback tour guide)

2. "Interview three people you respect, who you think are living their Dream. Ask them to share with you why they think you were put on this earth."

I really don't know many people who are living their dreams. I still have to properly respond to this question. I'll get back to you! I've asked a few people who aren't, and their responses range as follows: You are supposed to be a mother, you are supposed to be a missionary, you are supposed to be in sales somehow because you are good at convincing people, and you should be a writer.

3. "If Someone came along and gave you all the money you ever wanted, what would you do with it?"

I'd pay off our debts, buy a car, go to college for something (??? I'd start with general studies, and at least take physics and calculus, cuz I beat myself over the head all the time for not taking them my senior year) at which point I'd hopefully find direction for a major. I'd take voice lessons, keyboard/piano lessons, and guitar lessons, and probably classes in writing music (I'm very shy about the music I've written... I think a writing class would make me more confidant in sharing it with others). Perhaps I would record a CD at this point? I've thought about doing so. I would definitely travel (that Mediterranean cruise would be great!) to all the places that I've always wanted to go, all the places I've read about in books that I've never seen in person. (Don't worry, I'd write and tell you all about it!)

Bruce says that this is probably my dream. (minus the debt paying off, as this is just relieving the stress of life) I'm not convinced though.

4. What have I always been good at?

Reading, Communicating (talking, writing, etc), Music (singing, learning instruments), Cooking, learning (straight A student, and I LOVED school, and reading dictionaries, encyclopedias, medical journals, anything factual, as well as novels based in real life such as historical fiction), acting, story telling, people skills, sales/convincing others

5. What needs do I care about most?

Mine! ;0) Umm... I'd have to say the people at church growing closer in the Lord in worship. I have loved watching the church change from a church that sings songs in a "BLAH BLAH BLAH" fashion, to a church who praises God with passion. It makes me utterly happy!

6. Who do I admire most?

Uncle Tim because he conveys truth in a way that people can apply easily to their life.
Chris because his passion for Jesus is 'catchy!' I caught it from him
Aunt Sandy because she is a doer. She also has the gift of hospitality, and she knows how to use it. There's not a lazy bone in her body. I love her energy.

I used to have a ton of larger than life heroes, and I suppose, if I dig down deep I still admire them... I loved guys like David Livingston (My whole reason for wanting to go to Zambia!), C.T.Studd (one of my favorite quotes!), David Brainerd, George Mueller, and women like Amy Carmichael and Gladys Aylward. (the last three all because or the works they did with orphans.)
All of these were missionaries. All were great men. I wanted to be just like them. I actually did want to have an orphanage some day. I'd forgotten all about that!

7. What makes me feel most fulfilled?

Doing anything at the church. Currently it's worship team/band, but being in Sunday School is fulfilling to me, painting the church, church activities, talking to church people. It's all good!

8. What do I love to do the most?

Sing, play keyboard, and write blogs

9. What have I felt called to do?

I once felt called to be a worship leader, but I don't know if that was Jesus, or me just loving music so much.

10. Ask yourself what legacy you would like to leave for your children and grandchildren?

I don't really know. I've never thought about this before. I guess it's time to do some thinking.

Where to serve....

So my husband found this great site on spiritual gifts, and it has a section to help you figure out what ministry you should serve in depending on where your strengths lie.
(http://mintools.com/ministries.htm) The gift categories are a bit different than the test I took, but here are the 8 gifts I scored highest in with ministry options (these links go to the website for more info on those ministry areas)

service (this is where my writing and music fall under)
benevolence/caring
clerical
communications
hospitality
service-oriented
staff-support
worship

hospitality
benevolence/caring
hospitality

discernment
discernment
prayer
staffing
staff-support
visionary

administration
Christian education
staffing
staff-support

leadership
Christian education
visionary

apostle
outreach
visionary

missionary outreach

Well, I don't feel like I'm any closer to what I'm supposed to do, but I know some areas in the church that I can try. I already do worship team and hospitality. I can rule out Christian education because I am NOT a teacher, and I can rule out some parts of benevolence because I do not have mercy or helps, but some of it is my type of hospitality... like sending cards, making meals, etc...

So what does that leave... the things that stand out to me are staff-support, visionary, and communications (here's where I could use my writing skills!).

Just what is my place in the church?

Hmmmm... still as confused as ever. I guess I'll keep doing what I know for now. Music! :0)

Just what are my spiritual gifts?

I am moving on in my search for where I fit in in this vast world that God created. My question of the hour is "Just what are my spiritual gifts?" I have often wondered this. Not only would God not create me with out a purpose (I am convinced of that now, whether I know just what it is or not), but he is unlikely to have left me utterly unequipped to accomplish said purpose. Now, if I could figure out what my spiritual gifts are, I think perhaps I'd be one step closer to finding my vision! Yes, that magical ethereal floating somewhere out there dream that I once had when I was a child....... (Cue the mystical music Mr. sound effect guy) According to PT, I have one. So last night we dragged in super late from our camping weekend, and I went straight to the computer to, that's right, take a spiritual gifts test. I was up awfully late.
Here is my score (25 is the highest score), and I shouldn't be that surprised by some of them...

25 - Writing
25 - Hospitality
25 - Music
25 - Discernment
21 - Leadership
14 - Administration
13 - Apostle
11 - Missionary
10 - Encouragement
10 - Faith
10 - Knowledge
9 - Wisdom
7 - Prophecy
6 - Mercy
6 - Exhortation
6 - Miracles
5 - Poverty (apparently I really like my stuff!)
5 - helps
4 - Pastoring (that works out good for me seeing that I'm a woman)
3 - Giving
2 - Healing
2 - Evangelism
2 - Craftsmanship
2 - Intercession
0 - Teaching, Celibacy (Chris will be glad to hear that), Tongues

So, I think that covers the bases (I know our particular denomination perhaps doesn't believe in all of these gifts, but this was the test I took)

What's funny about this is I have been told that I have all of the top 6 gifts by more than one person (my husband, Pastor, friends, etc) but I never realized that they were spiritual gifts. I guess I just had to see for myself. Missionary is higher up on the list, so I suppose I can't rule it out as an option for my future, seeing that some of the questions I answered negatively too were asking if God had called me to the mission field. I don't really no, so I put no. If he ever does that would change my answer and that score would move up from a 10 to who knows what.

So I'm left with writing and music... Should I write books, or be a singer? And where do hospitality and discernment fit in? I'm in charge of the hospitality at church (due to PT seeing that I had that gift earlier this year), but where does that fit in in my future? And discernment? So I know if someone is teaching false doctrine... what does that say about my ministry in the future? Leadership makes sense in whatever path I choose. I'm just a leader type. I'll be in charge, (NYA HA HAHAHAHAHAHA LOL ) and administrating in some small capacity all at the same time.

Ok... I'm still confused! *SIGH*

Jesus, I'd really like it if you would come down here and comment on my blog with some clear direction. "Rebecca, you will be a Christian artist." "Rebecca, you will be a Christian author." "Rebecca, you will be a missionary." "Rebecca, you will be a Pastor's wife." etc... something! anything! Just tell me!

The waiting is killing me...

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta...." "I gotta..." "I gotta do something 'till I die!!"

Hmmm... Just what is that something? The song says "love one man 'till I die." That could be the obvious choice for me... my husband is a wonderful man, and many other wonderfully talented woman have chosen a man to be their entire purpose in life. I don't know though, it just doesn't seem like a wise choice. Having spent part of my life finding my fulfillment in marriage, and realizing that husbands do indeed fail you at times (Imagine!) I don't think that it would be a very good idea. Besides, I can only wonder what would happen if (not that I ever want to think about this...) my husband went home to Jesus and left me here. Then what would my purpose be? Would I lose all desire to live once again? I'd be back at the starting place, searching for a purpose, only by then I'd most likely have no desire to even try.

So what could my purpose be?

I've been trying to think back to when I was a child. What did I like? What did I love? What did I dream about? What made me happy? This is difficult for me to do, because all these memories are very mixed up with the things that other people said I liked/loved/wanted/found joy in, as well as the things they said I could not do that I then lost interest in. I know that it must be in there. Doesn't every kid have a dream?

The earliest thing that comes to mind for me is that I have always loved to read. I devoured every book I could get my hands on regardless of genre, and read well above my reading level. My earliest favorites were mysteries, including Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew in 1rst and 2nd grade. Then came my love for writing; first for poetry and journaling, then short stories and book reports, and finally even for research reports. More recently I have discovered the world of blogging, and I adore it! I have often wanted to write a book, I just never sat down and started one.

As a result of all of my reading, I had an extremely adventuristic spirit. I wanted to try everything. I wanted to be everything when I grew up! This becomes another smokescreen in determining my true heart as a child. Let's see... detective, airplane pilot, deep sea diver, owner of a palomino horse ranch in Montana, Australian Outback tour guide, cowgirl, Rich southern plantation owner, join the marines, archaeologist, lawyer, police officer, CEO of a major company, to name a few. Of course, this doesn't count the completely impossible fantasy/historical life careers either ;0) It's kinda hard to be a unicorn, faerie, dragon, Civil War Southern belle, Clipper Ship captain, Cleopatra, a Greek goddess, Renaissance lady, etc.

Along with the love of writing, I also found a love of history and science. History in part from reading historical fiction in part from school. History overlapped science in the field of archaeology and in the study of creation science. I loved it. I decided I wanted to go to college at the Institute for Creation Research. As we studied more and more I began to adore ocean life, and decided to go into marine biology instead, but still wanted to go to ICR and study creation science as well. I felt that every science field needed more of a creation influence. My parents were strongly against me going to ICR, and someone else said that marine biologists did more office work than field work. Being the people pleaser that I was, and the adventure seeker that I was, I began to look elsewhere. I found exactly what I was looking for in the study of anatomy. From that point on I wanted to be a doctor. It's all I focused on. I was not really encouraged into this field, other than by my science teacher and by my two grandfathers... one of them because he wanted me to take care of him when he got old, and the other because he said I could do anything that I set my mind to and he would support any decision I made. My parents again did not like my choice of college, but I did not have many Christian choices in choosing a secular career.

Now insert new complication... one summer at youth camp (7th grade?) I went forward to get saved, but the counselor convinced me that I already was (that was the year I should have gotten saved, rather than just a few years ago... she just wasn't thinking clearly or something). The following night was missionary night and I remember being under a ton of conviction and weeping to the song "Lord, Send Me Anywhere" I didn't know what it was, but I decided that since I was already saved I must be called to missions. From that point on I told everyone I was supposed to be a missionary... even to the point where in order to still be a doctor I decided to be a medical missionary. I really wanted to go to Africa, and later on to India.

This all confuses me very much, because I was very unsaved... but I truly did weep every time a missionary came to church. I really did want to go on missions trips, and I really was torn between being a doctor and being a missionary, to the point where I felt I had to make a choice between the two. I even had this weird vision thingie one year at camp meeting where I saw Indian faces all over the room looking at me and I was terrified and couldn't sleep. I thought it was God wanting me to go to India. Now I have no idea what it was about. Did I want to be a missionary because I was concerned for my own soul? Because I knew it was one thing that would make my parents and pastor happy? I have no idea.

Anyway, I sought a missionary husband. There was this guy I really liked, but I would only allow us to just be friends because he was called to be a church planter, not a missionary. Chris (my husband) and I had been friends for a while, and of course I knew that he planned on going to Ireland as a missionary, so naturally, when I married him, I figured that's what I would end up doing with my life.

We got married, found out I was faking being saved, then I got saved, we surrendered to be missionaries to Sri Lanka... but my heart wasn't in it. Why?

He was called to be a missionary. I wanted adventure. Mystery adventure, Romance adventure, History adventure, Science adventure. Meeting people kind of adventure. But what he was planning was real life ministry. When it didn't work out for us to go, I was secretly glad. I love that country, I love the people we met there. But I still don't know my purpose.

If I am indeed purposed by God to be a missionary, then I have not caught that vision since he has brought me into his family. If I should go to college and be a doctor after all this time, then that sure is complicated seeing as I have two small children to mother! Writing would be the easiest to accomplish...

Even now there is a flaw to these musings. I am likely to have completely missed the most important facts.

But here is the most important question. Even if I feel that I loved one of these the most, I cannot go forward with it. I cannot act upon it. Until God gives me the vision for my life. Until something strikes a chord deep within my innermost soul and the Spirit says, "Yes!" I cannot do anything at all but stay right where I am.

As of now, the song lyrics will have to be true of me...

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta love one man 'till I die"

And that man is Jesus. I man I can rely on and trust. A man who will never let me down. He will show me what I need to know in his time. I know he will, because I asked him too! I just need to focus on him, listen to him, wait on him... and can't help lovin' that man of mine!