My spiritual journey: moments of clarity, ponderings, and vast irritations

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I won't go back to how it was

So, there is something that Jesus has wanted of me for weeks. Something that I did not want to even think about, but something that he would let me forget about. When he asks for surrender in an area of your life, that issue seems to come up all the time and drive you crazy! 'So, just what did Jesus ask of you,' you wonder? Well, it was something that I was afraid to tell my husband about... first of all because I want nothing to do with it, secondly because once spoken I would actually have to act upon it, and thirdly because I was afraid that God was speaking to him about the very same thing. Of course, Chris finally pried it out of me this week, on Monday to be exact.

You see, back in June we had these missionaries come in who are headed to Brazil, specifically in the Amazon river area of Jutai. You should know, I have always loved missionaries, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that I adored Jon and Jessica Reed... but it was more than that. I felt this strange affinity for them. I was moved by the q&a time, the video, and the preaching. This also shouldn't seem odd for me, except that I haven't cared like that in a long time. I felt myself fighting to retain my composure, fighting not to let it affect me. But it was there under the surface. I was nervous. Meanwhile my husband was weeping by the end of the service. He too had not been affected by missionaries in that way for some time. Whatever was going on with him, I sure didn't want to know about! In talking with Jessica, I had this funny thought that I couldn't let go... "She's my age. She can't go there all by herself. She needs a girlfriend. A companion. We should go with them just so they aren't lonely." I rebelled at the thought. NO WAY! We've done deputation before, and I never want to repeat it! Plus, I've never been called to missions, and I am quite comfortable where I am thank you!

Chris started learning Portuguese. I humored him and learned a few phrases, (Estou perdido!) but wanted nothing to do with it... except that I kept being drawn to Google searches about Brazil, Portuguese and the Amazon River. One Wednesday night Chris was teaching on hearing God. The map of Brazil was still on the wall behind him, and I was drawn to look at the province where J&J will be going. I heard God whisper, "Tell me you'll go there." He didn't say I was supposed to go there, he just wanted me to give him my future. Surrender to the possibility. NO WAY! It has eaten me alive ever since.

When I told Chris about it, he was floored. He had prayed that God would speak to me, but had given up. It's an impossible dream anyway. And he had felt the same strange affinity for Jon as I felt for Jessica. Weird. Still I wouldn't surrender. Until yesterday. I had just left the bookstore after buying The Message, and a song came on the radio. This certain song has in the past made me angry with the guy who sings it because he has found something I have not, It has made me sad, it has filled me with longing for the place where I belong.

I listened this time, instead of singing along and the words spoke to me like never before...


This is Home by Switchfoot

I've got my memories
They're always
Inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe now
I've seen too much
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I've never known

Chorus:
This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
It's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone

(Chorus)

And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I'm gonna call it home

(Chorus)

Now I know
Yeah, this is home

I've come too far
Now I won't go back
This is home


Created for a place I've never known. Yeah, I feel like that. But I'm starting to get glimpses of it. I can't go back to where I was... where I was content. Where I didn't search for what God had for me. I want to find that place. When the chorus of the song started, I began to weep, because all I could see in my mind was an aerial shot of the Amazon River meandering through the jungle. And God said, Surrender. It was really unfair of him. All I want is a place to call home, and he wants me to surrender to a place that I don't think I could ever call home. But I did. I told him I would go. I had no choice. I have to find that place that I know is my own. I have to get there. If it's the Amazon, then I have to go there. If it's not, then OK (make that GREAT! LOL). But unless I surrender I will never know. So we traded - my surrender, for being one step closer to finding my place. He didn't say that I have to go there, I should go there, I am going there. In fact he hasn't said that to my husband either. Once again he wanted to see if I was willing. There is no sense in him telling me my destiny, if I'm not willing to do the things that he asks of me.

So am I supposed to go to the Amazon? I don't know. God would have to speak to Chris on it quite a bit, and a lot more to me as well. Being willing and being called are a bit different!

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