My testimony

August 17, 2007
During my early teenage years I doubted my salvation. I only went through the outward motions of Christianity, but I had no desire to have anything personal with God. When I was asked to give my testimony, I had to ask my mom for all the details. My own memories were very faint, and I had no peace inside that I was saved. But I ignored those feelings because everyone else was so certain that I was, and I didn't want to seem silly. One time I went forward at youth camp to talk about getting saved, but my counselor spent the whole time convincing me I already was, so I figured it was useless to say anything to anyone else.

I met my future husband Chris at church. We were friends for several years, and that friendship grew into love. By this time had I been honest with myself I knew that I wasn't saved, but it was much easier to go on as if I was. When the Pastor asked me how sure I was that Chris was the one for me I told him "As sure as I know that I'm saved," And I knew it was a lie. We were married on September 15, 2001. The longer we were married, the more I doubted that I was truly saved. It bothered me that Chris really enjoyed all the "Christian stuff." He read his Bible all the time, prayed all the time, and really, genuinely walked with God. I didn't have any of that, and didn't want any of that. It was enough for me that I knew the facts of the Bible front to back, that I went to church all the time, and that I was a good person. I became very angry at him for spending so much time doing things that I didn't want to do. When I was at church I would always try to slip out during the invitation because I hated the feelings that I would get. The pastor would ask if anyone needed to be saved and I would stand there gripping my hands together to keep from raising them all the while saying to myself, "You were saved when you were four, you don't need to do it again." And so many times I would hear the words, "I don't want to end this invitation, we will sing one more verse because I feel there is one person here who needs to come forward to be saved." And I would think to myself, "I know that it is me, but I can't do it." The longer I was around my husband, the more certain I became that I was not saved. But I never told him or anyone else for fear of what they might think of me. I started to think up as many excuses as possible to miss church, and always left the room when Chris spent time with God.

In May of 2002 we attended Camp Meeting at Fellowship Baptist Church and heard Terry Unruh preach about Sri Lanka, and how he needed help passing out ten and a half million tracts. We volunteered to go. I was very excited because I was finally going to get the missionary adventure I had always wanted. Meanwhile I reassured myself all the time that I had to be saved because of all the times God had answered my prayers and done things for me, and because my mom said that I prayed when I was four. I pretty much convinced myself that I was okay. In fact, I even looked for proofs of salvation. When I would lead someone to the Lord I would get all excited and then say, "I must be saved because I am happy when someone else gets saved," not realizing that I was just happy because I was being a 'good Christian.'

On Sunday night, March 3, 2003 at church I went forward during the invitation. I told God that I was tired of the way I had been feeling and that He needed to leave me alone. I then said that I didn't know for sure what it was He wanted but the answer was definitely NO. On the way home I was terrified, and told Chris that I had to get home so I would be safe because I was afraid that God was going to kill me. I actually thought I would be safe in my own house! Chris asked me why, and I told him what I had been going through. We talked for a very long time most of which was me giving excuses such as how I didn't want to be one of the hypocrites I grew up around, I was afraid that I was going be forced to be just like my parents (that's a story all in itself), God had been so good to me, I had led people to the Lord, I had had prayers answered, and my mom said I had prayed when I was four. Of course his answers were that none of those were good reasons to go to hell, but still I resisted. Then he asked if Jesus was in my heart. I had no idea how to answer that question. So he asked me if we were married, and of course, I said we were. Then he asked if I had to think back to our wedding day, which I hadn't; I knew right then. The last question he asked was if Jesus was in my heart right then. I answered that I didn't know, and started to cry. I knew then what I needed to do but I was still scared to do it so I asked to pray after him. He started out with "Dear Jesus, this is Becky, I know I'm saved," and I couldn't say it, I just cried more. Then he said "Dear Jesus, this is Becky, I'm not sure if I'm saved," and I couldn't even say that. Finally he said "Dear Jesus, this is Becky, I'm not saved," and I felt this intense inner struggle. I knew that I had to say those words. I prayed with him, and then sent him out and prayed again by myself because I wanted to know for sure that it was the real thing.

Just a few weeks later we went to Sri Lanka. It was a life-changing experience for me. Missions became more than adventure; it was giving other people a chance to be saved just like I was. I was baptized a few weeks after our trip at Bethel Baptist Church in Ravenna.

God gave me the verse Romans 2:4 about a month after I was saved, showing me that all of the things I thought were proofs of salvation were the things that He did to lead me to salvation! Praise God for His goodness that leads to repentance!

Adendum:

What's interesting in all this is since then Becky has died! I no longer live, but Christ! And also I've changed so much as a person.... Becky really no longer exists! I'm Rebecca or Becca now. And it's so funny as I look back over all my fears... all the excuses that I had... none of them were real. And as I think about that time I remember how intense that struggle was. How real Satan was as he whispered in my ear trying to keep me from making the most important choice of my life. And Jesus is HERE! With me! I know that He is here... and I haven't doubted for one moment since that day. I can't describe it to you... but once you have Him, you KNOW! And I've learned that Jesus doesn't desire cookie cutters. He made each of us the way we are; unique, individual, with a purpose! His purpose! Only I can do what He wants of me. That verse in Scripture about the unsaved being Spiritually blind is so true... because on the other side it becomes so clear. And you just marvel at what God has done! I know I do.

"You are a marvelous God and I am so in love with you!"

My surrender testimony

written Aug. 8, 2007

I have not yet posted my testimony on this blog, which I really should do, but to give quick background, I grew up in a Christian home, but have only been saved four years. And that Christian home was extremely legalistic Baptist. And even though they believed in the Holy Spirit, He was someone spoken about in hushed tones... "he doesn't like to be spoken of, we don't make much of Him, we make much of Jesus" So the Spirit was quite foreign to me as an unsaved person especially, but even doctrinally.

After being saved for about a year the "joy" of being saved started wearing of to the normalcy of everday life and I began living off of the past knowledge of God that I had from Christian school and church... God began working on me to give my life to Him fully so that I could "grow up" in Him. I ignored Him... mostly because I was so afraid that surrendering to Him would mean ending up a nut-case legalist, and partially because I thought once he had me he would reject me. Over the course of the next year I had the worst pregnancy that my doctor had ever heard of (also a story all in itself... I could start a whole thread on terrible pregnancies....) I knew the whole time that if I would just surrender to God that He would heal me. ChrisJ (my husband) kept talking to me about surrender, and I would just say... No hun, I can still do this on my own. I was so stubborn. Apparently God just keeps turning up the pressure when His children ignore Him. I had all that time in the hospital to read my Bible, pray and seek His face, but I just turned up the TV louder and called more friends... and more pregnancy problems developed. And I said I can still do this on my own... It's not too tough to handle. I'm OK. I pretended total peace when people from church came over and they told me what a great testimony I was (OH! how guilty I was!!!!) God blessed me with a healthy baby, but still I went on... then the post-partum depression kicked in (not helped by all the spiritual battles I'm sure) and soon after my gallbladder started going crazy. My Pastor offered to lay hands on me to heal me during this time (and during the pregnancy), but I said no because I knew the requirement... it was surrender. I couldn't do it. Instead I had my gallbladder removed. After the surgery I finally started to get the picture. Things weren't going to get better. God was trying to get my attention and He wasn't going to stop until He succeeded.

I picked up the book Grace Land by Steve McVey (which God had been telling me to read all these long months) and it changed my life....

Now I was seeking Him. One evening as I nursed my baby all alone I felt a presence in the room. I knew it was Jesus. And I looked up and could "see" where He was in the room (not physically but there was almost a glow there) I mentally asked what He wanted and He said He just wanted to talk to me. Now I know that people don't think that Jesus speaks to us audibly, and to this day I'm not sure if He did or not... but I can almost swear that He did... I started to cry that He would want to talk to me but began to tell him about my struggles with surrendering to His control in my life. I explained to Him how I felt that I was in the middle of the Jordan River struggling to swim across knowing that I could never go back to Egypt (sin... unsaved) or the wilderness (legalism) but not knowing how to cross into the freedom and liberty that he offered on the other side in the Promised land. I told him that I was afraid.
Then He showed me a picture of how it should be... I should stand at the bank of the Jordan and ask Him to carry me over on dry land and He would carry me. I would have to part in it. I repeated this back to Him in words. And He didn't respond. He just agreed with me in harmony. I don't know when He left after that, all I know is that I continued to talk to Him for a while and then I began crying so hard I couldn't talk and looked up and He was gone.

After that I determined I would surrender to Him, because He actually cared for me that much.

One night only a week or two later as Chris and I said our nightly prayers I couldn't stop praying. I began to weep. I told God that I knew what I needed to do, but I didn't know how. So being a very visual person I began to show God in pictures what I wanted to do.

I stood in the holy of holies in heaven at the mercy seat and set my hands on the altar, then my mouth, etc. as the old hymn says

And here is where the Holy Spirit took over as God spoke to me... He said "that isn't enough, I need all of you"

So I mentally crawled up on the altar

He then replied "Who did the placement upon the altar?"

I said "I did"

He said "that is not surrender"

And then the Spirit showed me what surrender was.... the image of the crucifixion... I am crucified with Christ. Reckon that I am dead...

Weeping I stretched out upon the floor and the hardest thing I ever did was lay my arms apart from my body... for I cannot drive the final nail myself, I cannot crucify myself... In Christ I am crucified... even my strength to surrender was of Him. And I gave Him all that night. And then kneeling at my couch I begged the Spirit of God that had shown me that picture to fill me with Himself.

I don't know what anyone else thinks about that night, but I know that I've been different that night. I like what George Mueller called His surrender "2nd conversion" That's what it felt like... Only better... I had a greater peace, a greater joy, a greater love, a greater freedom, a greater liberty, a greater KNOWING of my Saviour, a greater giving heart, a greater zeal for God, a heart to share...

Ask Chris J... I am so in love with my Jesus... my God... I am weeping right now writing this. It's all about Jesus. I can't even stand myself sometimes I'm so in awe of Him. He fills me so full that I don't know what to do.

Not saying that I'm not human, that I don't mes up, that I don't get down, etc... cuz I do... but there's this knew presence, and I don't mean like knowing that you are saved kinda presence. I mean like HOLY COW! JESUS is IN THIS PLACE right now! I can reach out and touch HIM!! He is so HERE that I can almost see Him. At least... I know where He is in the room, He's right there beside me, smiling at me. And His Spirit is all around the two of us like a welcoming embrace... And God the Father up in Heaven is just rejoicing over it all!

Do I sound crazy? So be it... It's a wonderful kind of crazy


2 Cor. 7:11 'yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal'

Surrender and Spirit-filled go very much together, in my experience.