Thoughts from the dark days

Through all the doubts and fears and thoughts of betrayal still He is faithful! I can't understand why... I mean, I've had some dark days of fist shaking. I've questioned his existence. I've been angry and hateful. I've mocked and scorned and yet.... He remains. It's like no matter what I do there is this Something.. Something intangible yet very real... that wells up within me that says, "I will never leave you." What do you mean? I don't even believe in an "I" besides me today. This is contradictory to my current state of mind. Yet there is peace. And when I am hurt, in pain, frustrated, unable to make sense of it all, depressed, lower than low, there is this bubbling from Somewhere.... dare I call it Joy? What is this Joy? It is alien in these moments. It is not of myself... and yet, am I not the only one I believe in right now in my angered betrayed state? Yet there is joy. And when I am terrified, shaking, and overwhelmed with the anxieties of facing the world alone I can sense an enveloping embrace. Arms! Arms enfolding me! Someone is holding me. Who is this invisible One that dares enter into my self-pitying soliloquy. Yet there is love.
And what it all boils down to is that if I attempt to divorce myself from all that is HIM, from all that I have believed, thinking that the world will be much the same without Him as it is with Him, there is still HIM. Within me... wooing me, steadily like the gentle beating of my heart. And how my heart swells when I think of Him in this light. Perhaps I have not been betrayed after all.... perhaps I misunderstood. Perhaps I have been the betrayer of such a One as this who has always been true while I demanded explanations and while I explored other options. Perhaps if anyone deserved to doubt and rail against the hand He was dealt it was Him and yet He never did.
And still the constant love that cannot see my indiscretions; the eyes of pure love upon a faithful lover.
He cannot be denied. Jesus Christ in me. Me in Jesus Christ.

--I think back to that day when my husband asked me, Is Jesus in you now? and I could not answer. It would have been easy to deny Christ then. To take the evils of the world, the hardships of life and walk away from all that I knew, all I had been taught. There was nothing holding me. But now there is that KNOWING. I mean, it's in there. It's soo deep in there. The Holy Spirit is like HEY You!! You are MINE! And I am YOURS! The dark days always have an end because his love is so real now.

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Glorious Bride

One of the amazing themes of my life in Christ has been about his bride. I have much that I could write about that. This past Sunday was a profound addition to my bride moments. :) So, I have recently been attending a Methodist church.. yes, I have much to catch you all up on, don't I?

That can be another blog. For now, suffice it say that it surprises even me that I am there and I'm there because Jesus is leading me there. :)

In Sunday's service, near closing, the Pastor said something to the effect of the church being the bride of Christ. He was referring of course to the local aspect of the bride, being that particular church. In my head, almost audibly it was so very, very clear, came the words:

 "It's a glorious church, without spot or wrinkle."

 I paused. Tears filled my eyes and it was all I could do not to weep right there in front of all who would care to witness. Why would such words affect me in this manner? They were referencing Ephesians 5:27, "That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish." A verse that I have known well, a verse that I was raised believing that it applied only to the Baptist church. A verse that I have learned (again referencing many of my bride moments through the years) applies much more broadly to the church at large, to all the saved who have ever been, to the Old Testament saints, to ME. Why should I be crying at the thought of this church, this particular church being a church like this? Why?

Because the Holy Spirit touched a nerve. He touched a deep nerve. He found a place that I have been mocking, a place where I have still felt myself to be better than others. He found that I have been standing apart from a group of Christians and saying of them, "You are caught up in liturgy, traditions, and religion, you are not worthy to fellowship with me. I am above you." I who have received grace, who understand freedom and liberty am better.  

I who have felt deep pain because others have judged me... I turned my condemning eye on a group of Christians simply because of their label.

And what does that make of me? Just as guilty of being religious. Turning my grace and identity into a religion. And Jesus says, this is my bride. They too are accepted in the beloved. They too are perfect, loved, and righteous. His eyes are not focused entirely upon the religious trappings but upon their heart before him.

 And I silently cried realizing that IDENTITY is not affected by ACTIONS. The bride is the bride. And in this case, I have seen a church of people who are hungering for growth, a leader who is seeking the lost of his community, youth who have been involved in world missions, young adults who want to build real relationships, and worship that was Spirit filled. I felt a wall crumbling. A wall that I had built between myself and God's people.

I remembered the way I have mocked a dear friend who is working to become a Methodist minister and I wish to beg his forgiveness. I wish to ask forgiveness from many people that I have unknowingly offended. I was blind to this aspect.

I am still me with the same passions and the same heart to free those who are missing relationship with Jesus because they are focused upon the trappings of religion. But I am realizing that I can find people who are free and people who are in bonds everywhere irregardless to labels and denominations. Even those who believe they are free still find bits of chains for the Spirit to remove here and there. I know that I feel freer today than I did a few days ago. Freer to love and serve in capacities that I thought were closed to me.

My desire ~ What I want

What do I want? I desire to be that person who is embraced and ravished by the sun rather than irritated by it's scorching presence. I want to be the one who stretches out her arms and invites the gentle rain to saturate her entire being rather than muttering course words as each water droplet leaves it's mark. Storms? What are they but an accompaniment to my heart's pounding soliloquy? Wind is but the blowing of my soul pulling me to the next destination in my journey. "No grievance with the day" would be the motto here. Yes, even wintry blizzards in their harsh extremes would stir the upward motion of my lips into the greatest of delighted looks. Do I mean Content? Is that enough? Merely content? Not I! To content, add thankful, grateful, happy, blessed! And seeking still beyond for life abundant, life so free. Freedom to laugh in the face of fate whatever that might be simply for enjoyment and pleasure. Yes, That is what I desire. To taste everything, and to share it. To share it with all who do not know how. To the one who cowers from the sun, to the one who shrinks from the rain, to the one who fears the storm and shivers in the blizzards, to YOU, I wish to share my freedom and joy and gratefulness in life. This I desire. Passion... yes, passion too. Passion for HIM, for the reason for my existence. And I share his passion, to set captives free. Freedom is my passion. Freedom above all else. It is for these freed ones who do not know they are free that I am so emblazoned. Yes! Galatians 5:1 is my cry and I feel it deeply. I see the chains as if they were real, I hear the clinking. The yoke of bondage of which Paul speaks has a hold of so many, so many. And it is then that I allow myself to grieve. It is then that I weep. I, the one who is content, thankful, happy, blessed, free, who is ever longing to be at utter abandon at my Lover's feet and not concerned with the doubts and worries of life, WEEP. It is then that I realize that I my path is not one of flippant disregard of all things.. it is a path of deepest regard. There are those who may not think so (Even I, myself, have not thought so!), but I care more deeply than most. I love more deeply. I share His heart. For in enjoying creation I have developed a love for it. A love for his people. Freedom brings with it a price, a price of being willing to lay down one's life to give it to others. Ahhh, that word... surrender... it again finds me. And here I am with the striking awareness that my future will not be exactly as I thought. It will not be exactly as others thought. It will not necessarily be easy, and it will not always be pretty. It will be my hearts desire, it will be my passion, and that is what matters above all. It will be following that inner voice whom I love more dearly than anything in the world, and He is above all voices. And I am fairly sure that it will be the hardest thing I've ever done. Yes. I will be my own worst enemy in this. And I can already number my enemies before I begin. I am scared. But I can count my supporters. And I know what I desire. I know who I desire to be. And I know WHOM I desire. What else matters? When it comes down to it, I have a choice and I can choose anything. I AM FREE! But which choice will bring me closer to the woman I wish to see in the mirror at the end of the day? Ahh, this is the question. And so I am excited. An adventure awaits. How it will be accomplished, I do not know. It is a journey and I will be swept along in this chapter just as the last!

Loved with an amazing love

In constant flux.. ever changing, growing, becoming, discovering. Fearless! Yet filled with trepidation. Anticipating! Yet hanging back in the shadows doubting... The voices in my head fighting for attention, "Go this way and that way!", pointing their fingers and shaking them when they disapprove. Smiling and nodding when they are proud. And then there is Your voice and it is STUNNING. I am locked in your gaze. I can't believe your words, or can I? They come when I most need them as you say that I am PERFECT and beautiful. And exactly as you DESIRE me to be. You breathe the words in a way that I cannot deny them even if I try.... fear fades away. The doubt fades away. In those moments I am as one chained, enslaved to you, your words mean all and all others pale in comparison. I am loved and that is all that matters! Then glancing at my feet I realize I am still as free as I always was. One look into your loving eyes confirms it. WOW. What is a girl to do when lavished with such love and trust? Fly, that's what! Fly back out and conquer it all with his words propelling me onward!