Early morning ponderings...

Some people like to do puzzles, I like to draw mazes... Right now I'm trying to figure out where some of these interesting paths in my life intersect into the main path... and I'm concerned about which ones may dead end... Unfortunately, this is one maze that I did not draw....
And of course, there is comfort in the fact that the most amazing Maze Maker of all has designed this one for me, but there is also frustration involved cuz I want to know NOW. Sometimes it's hard to rest in Him, knowing that He will show me in His time. I have many questions, and I have many plans. I really should not worry, it's not like He's disappointed me yet. He has given me the desires of my heart over and over and over again... Really, is there reason to fear? No... no fears... only a deep need to see the end goal, to formulate a clear vision, to know exactly what I am working towards. :) I think, "Is that so much to ask?" I suppose not, and yet I know this One who guides me each step of the way, and He has been very funny about giving me tiny little illuminated corridors at a time! A scripture verse here, a self-insight there... Perhaps to others these make more sense than they do to myself! Maybe? HA! And so the mystery continues, and I grab a hold of His hand and beg Him to take me deeper into Himself and deeper into what He has for me. I anticipate...... something wonderful....!

We are all just people

Doesn't matter who we are, we all have the same struggles, the same obstacles to overcome and the same God who gives the grace to survive in this world! We are all born with dreams to dream, goals to achieve and stars to reach.
Why is it that some of us get there and others of us just sit around and suppress our dreams? Have we gotten to the point where we truly believe only the lucky few will live to their full potential? Do we think that those people who have soared to great heights did it without being short of breath? That they are somehow better than us, or that God looks upon them with more favor?
God is no respecter of persons; in Christ we all have the same strength to fly as eagles! We should stop elevating our heroes to the point where they are super-human, and remember that they too walk this same journey with Jesus that we do.... they are just a tad bit further down the road! They are a tiny bit more surrendered so that Christ can use them fully. They also go through times where they question their ability to go on; where they have to stop and remember who it is that got them there! When we see someone who is living the dream that God gave them instead of looking at them in awe we should remember who it is that lives within us!!! Through Christ we can do all things! Through Christ that dream that we've dreamed can become reality. As we delight in him and surrender ourselves to him, the desires of our heart (YES! The very ones he placed within us!!!) will come to pass. Run full speed ahead!!

(and if for any reason this doesn't make a whole lot of sense, it's cuz it's 4:30 in the morning and my eyes are blurring a bit! I should be sleeping instead of blogging!)

Celine Dion

Part of my one year plan is to read one musician/songwriter biography a week. I more fiction in a week than that, so it shouldn't be difficult to accomplish. I am looking for 'why' they pursued their dream, what it was that gave them their lucky break, mistakes they made along the way, and any little tidbits that really speak to me.

The first book I'm reading is Celine Dion's My Story, My Dream. I've only read the prologue at this point, but have already picked up on a few amazing truths.

1. Don't forget your little dreams on your way to pursuing your big dream.
From the time she was a child Celine always said she would buy a horse with her first paycheck as a singer. She bought high heels instead. Years later she looked back on that with sadness. So many of her small dreams had been lost along the way due to schedules, parties, and new dreams.

2. There will always be new dreams along the way to your big dream.
We will always be growing up along the way... discovering new things about ourselves... things that may have been there all along, but we never realized it.

3. When you accomplish your big dream, what then?
There will always be a dream bigger than your big dream that you haven't dreamed yet. Life does not end when we have accomplished all that we set out to do! Life is more than just a feather in your cap for a job well done. There will be greater and greater visions as we grow into who we were meant to be. Don't be afraid to dream big and even bigger!

4. Your big dream is not what defines you.
If you have done everything in your life to reach that fantastic place that you've always envisioned and then reached it, don't be afraid to take a break. I will still be me if I don't sing or write music. Even your favorite things can become just another job. Realize that it's okay to relax even from your dreams, goals and purpose.

If you are trying to find all those exact statements in the prologue, you wont! They are just little things I figured out while reading! ;)

Back to the book now.

Doing something about it....

So, I have established that I have a dream. I've figured out what my purpose is in life, what my vision is... etc. I've even set a few goals for myself... But I'm still sitting here stagnating.

Where's the fire under my butt?!?!

Okay, technically I'm not stagnating... I'm fulfilling the most important obligation I've been given. I used to hate being a mother. I used to hate that I was 'stuck' at home wiping noses and changing diapers, doing laundry and washing dishes. Oh, the mundane and boring daily routines! Oh, the thankless, endless chores! Was this really all I was? Was dowdy housewife all that defined me?

How I fought it. How I despised it. How I BEGGED God to change my life. I wished that Chris and I could trade places. He's much more nurturing and would make a great stay-at-home dad, and I'm more goal oriented and would make a great office manager.

I was completely unwilling to be thankful for my situation. Don't get me wrong. I loved my kids to pieces, I was just completely overwhelmed by the job. I felt that I'd made a terrible mistake for having children before I had made a life for myself; before I'd experienced anything. Why, oh why did I have kids so young? I beat myself up for it. I took care of the kids out of duty. I was depressed. Suicidal even. I had soo many dreams, and now they were all lost forever buried in a pile of dirty laundry. Sigh

Then one day something changed. I'm not sure exactly at what moment, but my heart was filled with love and happiness and thankfulness that couldn't be described. I found out I was expecting Meagan (I knew it was a girl from conception! They just confirmed what I already knew at the ultrasound) and I was ecstatic! To this day I feel like weeping when I think about her. She changed me. She changed everything I thought about parenthood. I realized a profound truth: my children were a gift from God to cherish and love, not a duty to perform and take care of.

WOW! What a difference that made in me! What renewed love for my boys! With this came a desire to get to know them, to spend time with them, to do for them. I didn't experience a moment of depression with Megs, because I didn't resent her in any way as I did the boys. In fact, I no longer resent the boys! They are my precious gifts to lavish the love of Jesus on. They are my little blank slates to begin writing futures on! They are my life, if not my dreams. I'm full to bursting when I think of them! For the first time I understand what people mean when they say that children compete with their spouses for a place in their hearts... although Chris will always take first after my Saviour!!

The second thing I learned is that motherhood does not define me, it is simply a part of what I do. I am more than just a mom! I am a child of God with purpose beyond 20+ years of child raising. There will still be life after they are gone...

And so, I realize that I must make small steps to reach my dreams even while mothering my kids. I can make little steps here and there that will prepare me for life after kids. No empty nest syndrome here, there's a whole lifetime ahead!!

This said, I embark on my new one year plan to draw me closer to the career of my choice... MUSIC!

Vision, Purpose, Dreams, and Goals

I read Pastor Tim's blog the other day, and I realized that I don't have a vision. I have long lists of goals that I want to accomplish (yep! I have an amazing life list!), but if I were honest with myself, I have no idea where I will be when they are accomplished. They are all great things of course, but what is their purpose? Beyond that, what is my real place in the world? What is my purpose in existence? I'm 25 years old, and I don't know what I'm supposed to be when I grow up. I know a million things that I'd like to be, that I'm interested in being, that I may even have a passion about being, but what is my niche? Even more important, where does God want me? Did he screw up when he made me? Am I an accident? If I were made for a purpose, wouldn't I know it by now? My husband is called to the ministry... he knows it. He knew it shortly after he got saved. He has the gift of teaching, an amazing ability to preach, and a huge heart for most anything ministry including missions. I don't know my gifts, I don't know my abilities, and don't really know where my heart lies. Is it in the church? Is it in the home? Is it in a secular job? Just because he's in the ministry doesn't mean I have to be... But at the same time because he is I may be... I'm musically talented, but is that my gift? I don't know. I've often dreamed of being a worship leader, but is that God's dream for me or mine? Most of my goals are silly ones like learning how to ride a motorcycle, quilting my first quilt, flying a plane, bungee jumping, going on a Mediterranean cruise, getting a full body massage, making more married friends so we can go out more, going back to college someday, etc... But what do they really accomplish except giving me a few more experiences? I thought that being a Party Lite consultant would be the it job for me... but I'm already feeling bored with it. (could be from the depression, who knows!) Seems like it always goes like that for me... I do something for 3-6 months and then I want to move on. You could blame it on a restless spirit, you could call me a quitter, but I say it's because I haven't yet found my calling. I think about what to do next... cosmetology school, law school, business school, to name a few of my often thought about options, and I can't decide which one I'd be happiest doing... which one I'd stick too. Which one would I get a degree in and get certified in and actually do something with? I got a degree in medical assisting. I never got certified. I was so bored with it by the time it was almost over that almost quit before I graduated. (It wasn't much of a challenge either...) So here's the deal... I could keep going from thing to thing, trying this and that, getting bored, being unchallenged, or whatever the case may be.... OR I could actually find my vision. My God-given dream. I really don't feel like I have one. I don't think I do. I talked to Pastor about it, and he said that it's in there, but it's buried deep under all the baggage of life. Somewhere deep inside me is the dream that God gave me when I was a little girl, long before I was tainted by the world, others, and my self. Before I was even saved, God gave me a dream. Now I have to resurrect it somehow. How? I'm not sure. But I have to. I have no choice. I refuse to live my life feeling worthless, and purposeless, without place or vision. I may be a mostly happy and optimistic person most of the time, but if you don't have vision, your gonna end up down in the dumps. Vision is why you move forward. Vision is why you don't quit. I don't have that. Nope. Don't have it.
I'm supposed to read DreamGiver by Bruce Wilkinson. I mooched it from BookMooch, and should have it by the end of next week.