Righteousness

The kids are in bed and I sit down to eat a late night snack and watch t.v. A boy peeks his face around the corner to ask for one more thing, and I send him back to bed with a definite, "NO." The boy lingers, looks around and then begins to put some toys away. "Get in bed," I say. "I'm putting some things away for you, mommy," comes the reply. I sternly tell him to go to bed right now. He can clean up the toys in the morning. Then he comes and gives me a hug and a kiss which I return with another reminder to go to bed. He goes to his room but comes back out and grabs a blanket, carries it to me and says, "I just want to cover you up, mommy."

I know, you are all smiling a little to yourselves right now. It's a familiar scene in many homes; the never ending struggle to get the kids in bed. And how sweet of him to want to help mommy, hug mommy and take care of mommy, right? We love the little guys so much, and the easy thing would be to just grab him up and cuddle him and tell him we love him and let him stay up as long as he wants.

Here's what I told my son (which is what I usually tell him!): Just because it's a good thing, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. You are still disobeying me right now.

And then I had the thought: all of our own righteousness is like a pile of filthy rags to God.
It may be good, but it's still not right in God's eyes. An unsaved man can work and work and work to get to heaven, performing deeds that humanly speaking are greatly honourable and worthy of reward and yet still be deserving of eternal punishment when he stands before God. The saved son of God is righteous before God, BUT not one bit of that righteousness is his own. We have been made the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. Apart from Christ, we are no better than that unsaved man, a pile of filthy rags in the eyes of God.

How does this apply to the Christian? Well, for one thing WE HAVE THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD!!! WHOO HOO!! Doesn't that excite you?!?! We have the love and righteousness of the Father. He offers us liberty, freedom, rest and abundant life at no cost to us but the loss of ourselves.

What? It can't be! I must have to offer him something? Perhaps I should teach a Sunday School class? Go soul-winning? Read my Bible through in a year? Pray an hour every day? There must be some formula for me to be able to attain this righteousness. There must be a way to earn this freedom and rest. So one after another we parade our good works before the Saviour bragging about how good they are while he looks on sadly shaking his head. He never asked for us to DO anything for him, he simply asked for us to yield our lives a sacrifice to him. He never required a performance from us, he asked for our bodies as a vessel to be filled with HIS life. In essence, by our show of self-righteousness we are disobeying the very one we try to serve. [This doesn't change God's view of us of course; once saved, we are always righteous in his eyes, regardless of how we are in our own eyes.]

On the other hand, the Christian who realizes that their righteousness comes solely from God, and wholly surrenders to him will find peace and rest. It is a beautiful thing! That Christian realizes the right thing to do is let Christ do it! There is no good thing that we can do to gain his approval. There is no work that we can accomplish that can make us any more righteous than we are. There are no Christian principles or disciplines that can 'impress' God. The only thing that impresses God is the Son. PERIOD. Are you saved? You are in Christ. In Christ? You are hidden in God. In God? You have his righteousness. Have the righteousness of God? Rest in him!

Back to the little boy: Go to bed and go to sleep! Your Father has it all under control.

Doing something about it....

So, I have established that I have a dream. I've figured out what my purpose is in life, what my vision is... etc. I've even set a few goals for myself... But I'm still sitting here stagnating.

Where's the fire under my butt?!?!

Okay, technically I'm not stagnating... I'm fulfilling the most important obligation I've been given. I used to hate being a mother. I used to hate that I was 'stuck' at home wiping noses and changing diapers, doing laundry and washing dishes. Oh, the mundane and boring daily routines! Oh, the thankless, endless chores! Was this really all I was? Was dowdy housewife all that defined me?

How I fought it. How I despised it. How I BEGGED God to change my life. I wished that Chris and I could trade places. He's much more nurturing and would make a great stay-at-home dad, and I'm more goal oriented and would make a great office manager.

I was completely unwilling to be thankful for my situation. Don't get me wrong. I loved my kids to pieces, I was just completely overwhelmed by the job. I felt that I'd made a terrible mistake for having children before I had made a life for myself; before I'd experienced anything. Why, oh why did I have kids so young? I beat myself up for it. I took care of the kids out of duty. I was depressed. Suicidal even. I had soo many dreams, and now they were all lost forever buried in a pile of dirty laundry. Sigh

Then one day something changed. I'm not sure exactly at what moment, but my heart was filled with love and happiness and thankfulness that couldn't be described. I found out I was expecting Meagan (I knew it was a girl from conception! They just confirmed what I already knew at the ultrasound) and I was ecstatic! To this day I feel like weeping when I think about her. She changed me. She changed everything I thought about parenthood. I realized a profound truth: my children were a gift from God to cherish and love, not a duty to perform and take care of.

WOW! What a difference that made in me! What renewed love for my boys! With this came a desire to get to know them, to spend time with them, to do for them. I didn't experience a moment of depression with Megs, because I didn't resent her in any way as I did the boys. In fact, I no longer resent the boys! They are my precious gifts to lavish the love of Jesus on. They are my little blank slates to begin writing futures on! They are my life, if not my dreams. I'm full to bursting when I think of them! For the first time I understand what people mean when they say that children compete with their spouses for a place in their hearts... although Chris will always take first after my Saviour!!

The second thing I learned is that motherhood does not define me, it is simply a part of what I do. I am more than just a mom! I am a child of God with purpose beyond 20+ years of child raising. There will still be life after they are gone...

And so, I realize that I must make small steps to reach my dreams even while mothering my kids. I can make little steps here and there that will prepare me for life after kids. No empty nest syndrome here, there's a whole lifetime ahead!!

This said, I embark on my new one year plan to draw me closer to the career of my choice... MUSIC!

Trapped or Free

Today I have a job interview. I am excited. I can almost taste what it is like to be back in the work place again! After 4 1/2 years of being home with children, I am headed back out into the world of 40 hours a week and Friday is payday. (I'm not dead set on 40 hours though... I'll probably start at 30 and see how it goes? We'll see) This is not really what I had planned at this stage in my life, as I was going to wait until both of my children were in school, but our financial situation demands it. Strange. I should feel forced into working, or angry... I should feel trapped. Why am I not feeling this emotion? For years I was trapped by being home all the time, when what I really wanted to do was work... yet for the love of my children, I stayed home. At the same time, I never wanted to work because I had too, and anytime it was brought up I felt forced into the situation... again trapped. I think for the first time in my life, I am realizing that I can choose how I feel. And when it comes down to it, I want to work. So why should I let my issues of being cornered into it affect my joy in this?
Chris preached on the word 'Trapped' in Sunday School yesterday, and the quote on the top of the page was "Freedom is Frightening." Yeah, it's kinda like that. I'm so used to the feelings and emotions of being trapped in my life... stuck in my circumstances... that old Mr. Fear comes along and says that I can never be free. I can never have joy. I can never let go of my depression. Mr. Fear says that there is no door to exit; the only solution to my problems is death. But what Mr. Fear doesn't know is that I am opening my eyes to something HUGE! I have the key to get out of that feeling. I have the key to change how I perceive a situation. I have the key to give thanks in all things - to see that silver lining on the cloud!
The first key is that God is sovereign in my situation! He foreordained it to happen. He knows what's going on. He sees it all. He saw me all of those years as I cared for my children while I felt lonely, unfulfilled, and without purpose. He sees our financial situation that would force me into finding a job sooner than I had planned. He knows. He sees. He brought it upon me! That is the second key. He brings things upon me to prepare me for the ministry that he has for me! Here I am excited about today, but also dreading it. Dreading escaping the box of my house, and fearing that I am just entering one more box at work. Is there really any freedom? What would I do with it if I were truly free? This is the wrong attitude. Jesus is bringing each circumstance into my life to shape me for that perfect plan He has in mind. He created me to do a specific something, and designed special circumstances to shape me into exactly what he had in mind. Everybody has an opinion on what they think about me going back to work... positive, negative and neutral... but the bottom line is that this is an experience God wants me to have right now for his glory in my life. The third key is that even if I feel alone, Jesus goes through everything I go through right along with me. The coolest thing that Chris said about feeling trapped was that 'When God is conspicuously absent it is when he is most omnisciently present." When I don't feel him, don't see him, and feel like I'm just going to have to figure things out on my own, He is still there. In fact, he is probably orchestrating circumstances so that I will look to him and tell him that I'm in over my head. He is just waiting for me to ask him to do things for me. He brings everything upon me to bring me to my face on his altar of surrender. He is ever there patiently waiting for the day that I stop playing tug-o-war and give each situation to him.
So here I am right now on the morning of my interview, and I want to do something I have never done before. Something that I am completely unable to do, but that I believe that Jesus wants me to do. I want to thank him for my life circumstances. I want to thank him for the years that I've stayed home with my children; there are so many memories that I will always cherish. I want to thank him for our financial situation. I have learned much about God's provision and faith. I want to thank him for allowing me to go back to work even though it is not in optimum circumstances in my life, he has a plan. And I want to surrender to him my future. I don't want to feel trapped any more by anything. It's such a silly emotion. I'm saved! I have Christ in me! In Christ is perfect liberty and freedom. I want to be able to give thanks in everything, and feel joy and freedom in everything. Chris said it was a choice - choose to complain and stay trapped, or choose to surrender and find freedom. I choose surrender.

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta...." "I gotta..." "I gotta do something 'till I die!!"

Hmmm... Just what is that something? The song says "love one man 'till I die." That could be the obvious choice for me... my husband is a wonderful man, and many other wonderfully talented woman have chosen a man to be their entire purpose in life. I don't know though, it just doesn't seem like a wise choice. Having spent part of my life finding my fulfillment in marriage, and realizing that husbands do indeed fail you at times (Imagine!) I don't think that it would be a very good idea. Besides, I can only wonder what would happen if (not that I ever want to think about this...) my husband went home to Jesus and left me here. Then what would my purpose be? Would I lose all desire to live once again? I'd be back at the starting place, searching for a purpose, only by then I'd most likely have no desire to even try.

So what could my purpose be?

I've been trying to think back to when I was a child. What did I like? What did I love? What did I dream about? What made me happy? This is difficult for me to do, because all these memories are very mixed up with the things that other people said I liked/loved/wanted/found joy in, as well as the things they said I could not do that I then lost interest in. I know that it must be in there. Doesn't every kid have a dream?

The earliest thing that comes to mind for me is that I have always loved to read. I devoured every book I could get my hands on regardless of genre, and read well above my reading level. My earliest favorites were mysteries, including Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew in 1rst and 2nd grade. Then came my love for writing; first for poetry and journaling, then short stories and book reports, and finally even for research reports. More recently I have discovered the world of blogging, and I adore it! I have often wanted to write a book, I just never sat down and started one.

As a result of all of my reading, I had an extremely adventuristic spirit. I wanted to try everything. I wanted to be everything when I grew up! This becomes another smokescreen in determining my true heart as a child. Let's see... detective, airplane pilot, deep sea diver, owner of a palomino horse ranch in Montana, Australian Outback tour guide, cowgirl, Rich southern plantation owner, join the marines, archaeologist, lawyer, police officer, CEO of a major company, to name a few. Of course, this doesn't count the completely impossible fantasy/historical life careers either ;0) It's kinda hard to be a unicorn, faerie, dragon, Civil War Southern belle, Clipper Ship captain, Cleopatra, a Greek goddess, Renaissance lady, etc.

Along with the love of writing, I also found a love of history and science. History in part from reading historical fiction in part from school. History overlapped science in the field of archaeology and in the study of creation science. I loved it. I decided I wanted to go to college at the Institute for Creation Research. As we studied more and more I began to adore ocean life, and decided to go into marine biology instead, but still wanted to go to ICR and study creation science as well. I felt that every science field needed more of a creation influence. My parents were strongly against me going to ICR, and someone else said that marine biologists did more office work than field work. Being the people pleaser that I was, and the adventure seeker that I was, I began to look elsewhere. I found exactly what I was looking for in the study of anatomy. From that point on I wanted to be a doctor. It's all I focused on. I was not really encouraged into this field, other than by my science teacher and by my two grandfathers... one of them because he wanted me to take care of him when he got old, and the other because he said I could do anything that I set my mind to and he would support any decision I made. My parents again did not like my choice of college, but I did not have many Christian choices in choosing a secular career.

Now insert new complication... one summer at youth camp (7th grade?) I went forward to get saved, but the counselor convinced me that I already was (that was the year I should have gotten saved, rather than just a few years ago... she just wasn't thinking clearly or something). The following night was missionary night and I remember being under a ton of conviction and weeping to the song "Lord, Send Me Anywhere" I didn't know what it was, but I decided that since I was already saved I must be called to missions. From that point on I told everyone I was supposed to be a missionary... even to the point where in order to still be a doctor I decided to be a medical missionary. I really wanted to go to Africa, and later on to India.

This all confuses me very much, because I was very unsaved... but I truly did weep every time a missionary came to church. I really did want to go on missions trips, and I really was torn between being a doctor and being a missionary, to the point where I felt I had to make a choice between the two. I even had this weird vision thingie one year at camp meeting where I saw Indian faces all over the room looking at me and I was terrified and couldn't sleep. I thought it was God wanting me to go to India. Now I have no idea what it was about. Did I want to be a missionary because I was concerned for my own soul? Because I knew it was one thing that would make my parents and pastor happy? I have no idea.

Anyway, I sought a missionary husband. There was this guy I really liked, but I would only allow us to just be friends because he was called to be a church planter, not a missionary. Chris (my husband) and I had been friends for a while, and of course I knew that he planned on going to Ireland as a missionary, so naturally, when I married him, I figured that's what I would end up doing with my life.

We got married, found out I was faking being saved, then I got saved, we surrendered to be missionaries to Sri Lanka... but my heart wasn't in it. Why?

He was called to be a missionary. I wanted adventure. Mystery adventure, Romance adventure, History adventure, Science adventure. Meeting people kind of adventure. But what he was planning was real life ministry. When it didn't work out for us to go, I was secretly glad. I love that country, I love the people we met there. But I still don't know my purpose.

If I am indeed purposed by God to be a missionary, then I have not caught that vision since he has brought me into his family. If I should go to college and be a doctor after all this time, then that sure is complicated seeing as I have two small children to mother! Writing would be the easiest to accomplish...

Even now there is a flaw to these musings. I am likely to have completely missed the most important facts.

But here is the most important question. Even if I feel that I loved one of these the most, I cannot go forward with it. I cannot act upon it. Until God gives me the vision for my life. Until something strikes a chord deep within my innermost soul and the Spirit says, "Yes!" I cannot do anything at all but stay right where I am.

As of now, the song lyrics will have to be true of me...

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta love one man 'till I die"

And that man is Jesus. I man I can rely on and trust. A man who will never let me down. He will show me what I need to know in his time. I know he will, because I asked him too! I just need to focus on him, listen to him, wait on him... and can't help lovin' that man of mine!

Prayer Warrior?

It's Saturday morning... And once again I'm home with the kids while my husband goes to prayer meeting. I'm jealous. Truly. I want to be there seeking God in corporate prayer with my church. Sometimes in my spirit I'm there... I'm praying with them. But then the kids start screaming and I'm back to reality that I'm home being a mother, not a prayer warrior.
Funny, but this never used to matter to me. I'd happily send my other half off on any spiritual adventure he chose all by himself hoping that no one would ask where I was, or, worse yet I would try and convince him to stay home with me for whatever reason I could concoct. What irony! All those days I made excuses to stay home, and now that I want to go I have a genuine reason why I have to stay! When you have prayer meeting at 8:00 AM on a Saturday morning it is extremely difficult to find a sitter... not only to people not want to get out of bed to pray, but who wants to get out of bed to watch someone else's kids?
So somewhere between my desire to turn my church upside down for Jesus and my responsibilities as a mother I have to find a balance. This is where God wants me. ;0) But I can still pray in between the frequent interruptions and despite the noise of Saturday morning cartoons! Does God hear me any less because it's not 'two or more gathered in my name' or because I'm not bending my knee in fervent, impassioned prayer? Nope! He sees my heart, he knows my desire, and he hears my every word.
This is just a season of time. My children will grow up and I will have lots of Saturdays to spend doing whatever I choose... Someday I'm sure I'll miss these mornings; just me and the kids, and stolen moments of whispered prayer. Perhaps I'll look back on it and find that I was more of a prayer warrior than I ever imagined.