Missionary...

A missionary is not a 'church-planter,' or a 'soul-winner,' a missionary is being Jesus to the world. It is ME being MYSELF to the world, but the key here is that the ME is Christ 'as me,' 'in me', and 'through me.' Being a missionary is allowing Jesus to do whatever it is that Christ has created you to do to your fullest potential in the world.

This was my most recent facebook status... There are many things going through my head tonight after our missions conference weekend, so I thought I'd type them up now.

When I was a child I had a "calling" to missions. Looking back on it, I realize that it was very much peer pressure, and not the Spirit of God. It was the 'accepted' thing to do, and it was something I knew I would get positive feedback for. I lived for acceptance! What I really wanted to do was go to med school, and so I added the whole 'missionary' thing on to it and decided to be a medical missionary. I wasn't saved at the time, and since I was continually looking to please my religious group and especially my pastor and parents, I felt guilty for pursuing something I wanted to do, and so dropped the medical part and decided to be a missionary's wife. Of course, Christopher was the love of my life from the time I was 14 years old, and I already knew he had a heart for missions... So I set my heart and mind to marry him and planned to be on the mission field in Ireland.

After marriage I figured out pretty quickly that I wasn't saved, and that I didn't have any desire for missions at all!!! What I really wanted was to go to college, get a degree and be rich! (the whole palomino ranch, sprawling 'Mediterranean style' mansion, and a yacht thing) I didn't want to disappoint my husband, or parents, or church by this (you gotta realize, we were very active in the church! At the time I was under the most conviction about salvation we were leading the youth at Bethel in Barberton), so I kept it to myself. In fact, I pushed Chris to go to Ireland, almost to the point of nagging! We were gonna make everybody, including Jesus, proud! I was going to be mamma's and preacher's pet forever!

During this time of struggle (read my testimony! I really had a hard time admitting that I needed Christ! After all, I had led people to the Lord, never done anything wrong... etc. It was kinda like I'd always been saved! On top of that I had the story my mom told me about praying when I was 4, and I kept going back to that as an excuse), We were at the Bread of Life Camp Meeting and heard about Sri Lanka for the first time. All the missionary needed was someone to come help pass out tracts. I was SOO there! Adventure! I'd never been out of the country before (just over the border in Canada doesn't REALLY count, does it??), and this was the perfect way to get brownie points!! Not only was it a foreign country, but it is considered a part 10 40 window. It was a largely unreached country! It was even kinda scary!

I got saved about two weeks before we left for our trip! WOW! It was very awesome to have my first major experience as a true Christ-follower be on the foreign field like that. It was very life changing. I came back all fired up and insisting that we should go there full time. In fact, I really pushed at Chris to go there! (LOL more nagging!) Of course, he had a huge burden to go back, because he breathes missions! We are talking about Mr. Christopher Dennison, the guy who would pray over individual countries and ask God if that's the one he was supposed to go to!

So we set out on deputation. :)

This was a very difficult time for me. I was really going for so many wrong reasons: emotional high after salvation, adventure, acceptance, and on and on! I HATED deputation. I truly did. I hated pretending to be somebody I wasn't at all the churches we went to. It was soo fake! But we had to jump through the hoops if we wanted support. Inside, all I wanted to do was quit and live a 'normal' life. I had fears that we would get to the mission field, someone would come check up on us and find out the real me and we would get kicked off the field. I was terrified every waking moment that I would crack the wrong eggshell in front of the wrong person. And I didn't really want to live in Sri Lanka forever... Sure, I loved it there, loved the people...

Then I was hospitalized with a terrible pregnancy... I knew it was God wanting me to surrender my life to him, but I refused. I knew that at any moment if I gave it all to Jesus including the deputation and SriLanka that I would be healed... but a HUGE part of me was happy that I couldn't go to churches with Chris anymore. I welcomed the distraction of being stuck in a hospital bed. (Sad, huh?)

Anyway, if any of you follow Chris' blog ( www.myjourneyswithjesus.blogspot.com ) you probably know the story of how we ended up leaving the deputation trail. The eggshell I soo feared was cracked! Chris and I spent months of Bible study and came to believe a different eschatological view than our mission board/sending church/supporting churches. We had signed a statement of faith and knew it was only right to tell them the truth about where we now stood. We were instantly dropped from all our support. So, I got my wish, but it was still devastating. We were well on our way to getting to Sri Lanka before this occur ed.

Since then people have questioned us, "Weren't you called there?" "When are you going back?" etc, and even leveled accusations such as, "You are out of the will of God for you life," and "You should be in Sri Lanka right now, so it doesn't matter how God is using you where you are at." HA! It's very amusing to me. I look back and I know that God knew we were not ready for that! I was not ready for that. I had a long way to grow, and much to learn before I could be involved in that kind of full time ministry. I had a lot of preconceived ideas that needed to be eliminated, and a lot of conforming to the image of Christ to do! I am thankful that we did not end up on the field then! I have learned so many things that I would never have learned had we stayed in Baptist circles and had I gone to that country under the bondage of all that fear! At the same time, I know that every moment of the way we were walking with Jesus! Deputation and all, it was God's plan for our lives! 100%, no regrets, those were experiences that God used to shape me into who I am.

Fast Forward!!

We are now at Heritage Christian Church, and Sri Lanka has come up over and over again! And it's an extremely missions minded church. I have felt a tug in that direction, and have had no resistance to it. I'm excited to see what the Lord will do! We may very well end up there after all...

Ok, all that was to say this... If people ask me "Are you called to Sri Lanka" I would say "NO." You are shocked! I know! I heard the gasp! Let me bare my heart to you as plain as I can!

One of the greatest things that the Holy Spirit has taught me is that our desires are God-Given. When I surrendered my life to Christ three years ago, I surrendered my desires with it, and guess what??? I found that God gave them right back to me! In delighting in him, he gave me the desires of my heart! Only now, it's not me struggling to achieve my dreams, it's Christ achieving my dreams through me! AWESOME! So, right now, I have a huge desire to sell everything and move overseas... just MOVE! I don't even care where... Sri Lanka is as good a place as any to start, because I do have a genuine love for that island, those people. I have a huge desire to live the same life I live here over there somewhere in a land where people do not have the salt and light of Christianity. I want to make friends with people from different cultures and have them over for dinner. I want to laugh with them, cry with them, and just be Me! And I want to see people who have never heard the name of Jesus light up with joy when they are introduced to him for the first time. I want to bring freedom to people who are enslaved to religion and open their eyes to the greatness of the Creator God who loves them and is worthy of all their worship!! I picture myself sitting in a small group, sipping tea, playing the keys and singing, swapping stories, and building relationships.

Wait, I didn't mention church planting, did I? No, I didn't. Jesus will build his church, I am just salt and light! If we end up somewhere with enough people to form a church, well awesome, but if that ever comes, I pray that someone among our new friends will arise to lead it. I didn't mention mass evangelizing, because that's not my heart. Does that make me any less of a missionary?

So many people are terrified of missions because they think that the only people who can go are pastors, teachers, church planters and music people. Ok, so my husband can preach and teach and I do music, and most likely if the Lord allows us to go to the foreign field we will do both of those things, but that is not what defines a missionary!

"If you see the Church as just individuals, then a missionary is simply one person telling other people about Jesus. No problem. Anybody can do it. BUT, if you see the Church as a business-style organization, then only those with proper training and degrees can be missionaries. Hmmmm, no wonder so few people are going these days!!!" -Chris Dennison

Hope I haven't confused you all too terribly! I'm exhausted and my mind is whirling! :) This was a rapid download session!