Laying down my pride..... Again!!!

Nov 16, 2007

So I'm going along lately feeling like everything is out of control... again... Let me start with a short little thing about me: They say that what you doodle on paper tells a lot about you, and from the time I was a young teenager until about three years ago I always drew spirals all over everything (along with hearts and stars and smiley faces). The heart stood for love, stars for my dreams and the smiley for my bubbly personality, but I never knew why I drew the spirals. And I drew them like crazy. One day Chris told me that it's common for people who feel like they aren't in control of their life to draw those, or something like that... I thought it was an interesting hypothesis, but didn't really think any more about it. So then a few years later I realized one day that I no longer drew them and connected the dots to figure out that it was because my life was leveling out. I wasn't feeling so crazy... I was more in control.

Said all that to say this: Here I am about a year after I decided that I wasn't the one that was supposed to be in control of my life. I realized it was supposed to be Jesus that was in charge... things were going OK until the last few months. Things have been happening that are so insanely out of my hands... things that I don't like. Things that scare me. Things that sometimes make me worried, scared, angry. People I can't change, circumstances that are beyond my control, a life that I'm living that isn't what I would have chosen, a dream that I have that I feel is from God that seems unattainable because of other things that He has put in my life right now. I'm feeling like that straight line that had become my life is twisting up into another curly que and I don't know how to stop it. I'm having irrational thoughts again, insomnia, headaches, panic attacks, ect. I even made myself vomit the other day....
So what's up? I gave it all to God, and He's supposed to fix it all right? It's not supposed to be like this... why is my life this intense struggle of taking a spiral curl and trying to flatten it out with a straightening iron? About the time I get a good section done the humidity comes out and frizzes it.
It's not supposed to be like this is it? This feeling of being out of place... feeling like I'm living the wrong life...
So here I am on one of the worst days of my life, knowing that it is just going to get worse... and dreading the rest of it with that ache in the pit of my stomach... surfing the internet to try and forget for a few minutes when I stumble upon (literally! Stumble Upon the firefox add on) this music search engine where you can create your own playlist for myspace. Phenomenal idea! So I put on my headphones (kids are napping, don't want to disturb them) and start thinking of all my favorite artists and notice a bit of a theme in many of my favorite songs.... surrender to Jesus, living in grace, etc. The life that I chose to live. "Yea, God, I know... that's me! Surrendered to you!" I say to Him and continue on with my searching until I type in Jeremy Camp (LOVE HIM!) and click on the song Lay Down My Pride.

BAM! Jesus hits me over the head with it and I'm crying and playing the song over and over again (listening it to it right now!) with only one thought in my head: what a stubborn idiot I am, and will I ever get it? and I should lay down on the floor at his feet right now right here in front of the computer desk. (OK that was three thoughts, but I'm shaking right now with conviction so don't expect me to be completely rational!) Here I am 'living the surrendered life' and at the same time worrying about 'living the surrendered life' I've been taking it all back from Him again. The spiral is spiraling because I'm letting it. I'm taking the flattening iron back from Jesus' hands. He's the one who straightened out my life to this point... all I can do is mess it up. He's throwing all these things at me to see how I handle it; to see if I can still let Him keep the reigns through it all. Apparently I've been failing miserably. Jesus, you know Rebecca... It's all about me. And when I see something that's not working, or out of place I take it personally... I have to fix it and make it work. It's a reflection on me if it doesn't. But that's not true... it's a reflection on YOU. You bring things into my life and you are the one who is supposed to fix them or not through me. My life should be a reflection of you not me. My pride is meaningless and only gets in the way of what you are able to accomplish in my life. And you did so much in leaving heaven and going in the cross so that you could live through me.... and when I don't let you I'm slapping you in the face. I'm rejecting the precious gift that you offer. I am crucified in you because you were crucified and because you offered your life to me. I can say not I but Christ because of what you did. How can I walk away from that most beautiful and precious sacrifice? It is nothing for me to give myself to you in return, to lay my life down for you... and yet "I" keep getting in the way. OH!! what must you do to drill it into my head that "I" do not exist anymore... it's just YOU.
Well here I am now again giving me to you again. Take my life in whatever direction you need to take it.

Lay Down My Pride
Jeremy Camp

Every single word I say
You know it before I speak
You know every thought
The deepest part of me

You draw me close and then I see
Your presence is every thing I need to be
The child that you've created me to be
Ready now to see it your way

CHORUS
Lay down my pride
My desires my demise
Ready now to see it your way
'cause I'm done I'm through ignoring you now it's true
I'm kneeling at the cross of your grace
Lay down my pride

I was faced with passing time
But I knew the choice was mine
To finally come to you
And give you all control
I've wandered miles to find my way
And then you revealed this simple thing
I know that you can see the secrets of my soul

CHORUS
Lay down my pride
My desires my demise
Ready now to see it your way
'cause I'm done I'm through ignoring you now it's true
I'm kneeling at the cross of your grace
Lay down my pride
(repeat)

The cross the blood you shed for me
Your back was ripped and bruised
So I can know your love
I kneel I bow to you my king

CHORUS
Lay down my pride
My desires my demise
Ready now to see it your way
'cause I'm done I'm through ignoring you now it's true
I'm kneeling at the cross of your grace
Lay down my pride
(repeat)