Surrender and Tug-o-War

Why is surrender such a difficult concept? There are days, I will admit that this thing called surrender is like reaching for the apple on the very top of the tree without a ladder. Impossible. You can see it, you can taste it, and oh! how you want it, but no matter how much effort you put into jumping, stretching, climbing, and grabbing it just seems to taunt you from it's uppermost perch.
I have surrendered everything to God. I have knelt in my living room, and weeping given him all that I am. I thought that ended this whole dilemma. But wait. There was that little thing Jesus whispered into my ear as I wept.... something about there would be things that we would deal with together as I came to them? At the time I didn't think too much of it. I was on a spiritual high! Nothing could touch me.
And then that day came. There was something God wanted me to hand over that I wanted to keep. So ensued a game of tug-o-war, not very unlike the one leading up to that first day where I surrendered to him my all. What? How could this be? How can I be fighting for my rights when I've given them all up? And so I cried out to him, and released my end of the rope, not only in defeat, but in despair and guilt. And so the cycle went on. Sometimes I only tugged for a few hours, sometimes days, weeks, or months. Sometimes the game was played over the most trivial of issues, sometimes over things that felt like life or death to me. Eventually I would ask myself the question, "How surrendered are you really?" And the answer scared me. A surrendered Christian doesn't fight God kicking and screaming on every little thing, do they?
But what if.... what if he's touching my plans for my life? I know the plans for my life... they are great plans! They are going to take me places! I'm going to be somebody. But Jesus wants my plans. He wants to take everything. He says that he has great plans for my life too. Jeremiah 29:11NLT says, " For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. " That should be encouraging! And yet... what if I don't like his plan... his future... What if I don't like the thoughts that he has in mind for me? It feels like He is wrenching every little scrap of my life that I have to hold on to away from me. Why?
I know why. As I've gone through this cycle of tug-o-war, I've learned several lessons. First of all I've learned that there will always be one more thing in your life that you are holding back from Jesus, even if you don't know about it yet. Just about the time that I think I've finally dealt with every issue that could possibly be wrong, the Mirror shines my on my life and I see something else that I want to live in denial about. Secondly, Jesus doesn't want your stuff, your plans, your money, or your personality quirks that you are fighting so hard to keep. He just wants to see if you are willing to give them to him. What he really wants? Your life. So many times he asks me for something small, like giving up somewhere I go or something I do not because he doesn't like it, but just to see if I'll do it for him. He often returns the very thing that you give to him (i.e. Abraham sacrificing Isaac on Mt. Moriah!) The question is always "How surrendered are you really?" Thirdly, before surrendering everything to him in one huge weeping life-defining moment, you will never even be aware of all the little tug-o-war struggles. Here I am questioning my Christianity because I am fighting God over little things, when they are things that I wouldn't have even noticed before. I wouldn't have even spoken to God about an issue let alone struggled over it! I used to be all about running from God, and now I'm all about confronting God and eventually dealing with my issues. This is spiritual growth. Someday I hope that these confrontations will be more and more submissive and easier, but for now, I am hearing God speak to me, and I am aware of surrender as the ultimate goal. Fourthly, Jesus will take away everything that you depend on outside of Him. If anything takes his place in your life in any capacity, those are the areas in your life He will target first! Ouch!!! I speak from experience here, that these are the most painful areas to have removed. Lastly, the reason that surrender feels like jumping for that apple at the top of the tree that can never be reached is because it can't be reached. It is a gift just like everything else in our Christian lives. Jesus is the ladder, the tree, the apple, and the very life within us that allows us to climb up and finally place our hand around that apple and not only take a bite, but eventually devour every bit of that apple. And despite that fact that sometimes it may seem a bit sour, when we realize from whom it comes, it become the most delicious thing we have ever tasted.
Yes, I have learned these truths, but I did not say that I live them. I fail miserably. I still beat myself up with guilt at my failures. I still question God's plans. I still rely on myself to accomplish surrender. And here I am depressed, frustrated, angry, and who knows what else as I fight him yet again on something that to me is so huge that I dare not even blog about it...
I'm still looking for that miracle zap that will take me from struggling Christian growth to apostle Paul maturity. If you find it, please let me know?