My spiritual journey: moments of clarity, ponderings, and vast irritations

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Is it me, or is it you?

So here I am, going full speed ahead with my new career choice - Independent PartyLite Consultant - when I hit a speed bump. No... there aren't supposed to be obstacles in this business! Why? Because God told me to call Dawn (my leader the first time I started) and start booking parties. This is significant because two years ago I started with PartyLite because "I" wanted too. I was trying to make it work. I was trying to fix our financial situation, and I didn't consult God on it. This was one of my many mistakes before I finally surrendered to him, and needless to say it ended in utter failure. Honestly, I have wanted to try again for a while, but embarrassment and fear have held me back. Then a few months ago it got to the point where we really needed the income. I was not going to even consider PartyLite, but it kept coming up. Then one morning God woke me up and said, call Dawn and start PartyLite. So I talked to my husband and he was ok with it, and I immediately called Dawn.
The business that I knew was blessed by God took off so quickly. I had numerous bookings, lots of orders, and I hit bonus level sales in my first month. I was even asked to train at a meeting! Wow.
Here's where the speed bump comes in... this month I've had 5 cancellations, three of which were turned into small profit book shows, 1 never to be rescheduled, and 1 where the hostess just simply avoided my phone calls for two weeks. My sales this month are extremely low, and my calender is bare! Not for lack of trying of course, although this last bout with bronchitis slowed me down (losing my voice didn't help any!).
What's up with this? God started me down this path, and he knows how desperately we need this income. Why? My friend Shannon recently said that when something like losing a job/hard times come upon an unsaved person they just get angry, but when it happens to an saved person they start asking questions... Is it me? Am I in sin? Am I going the right direction? Am I in your will? Am I as surrendered to you as I think I am? What am I missing? Is it you God? Are you upset with me? Are you testing me? Are you trying to change my direction? What is going on????
That has been my question... is it me, or is it you? Search me O God and know my thoughts, try me and see if there be any wicked way in me... But if it's you, who can know the mind of God? I'm left in puzzlement, as I can't put my finger on anything...
But with Jabez, I beg God to bless me indeed!

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