My spiritual journey: moments of clarity, ponderings, and vast irritations

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Thoughts from the dark days

Through all the doubts and fears and thoughts of betrayal still He is faithful! I can't understand why... I mean, I've had some dark days of fist shaking. I've questioned his existence. I've been angry and hateful. I've mocked and scorned and yet.... He remains. It's like no matter what I do there is this Something.. Something intangible yet very real... that wells up within me that says, "I will never leave you." What do you mean? I don't even believe in an "I" besides me today. This is contradictory to my current state of mind. Yet there is peace. And when I am hurt, in pain, frustrated, unable to make sense of it all, depressed, lower than low, there is this bubbling from Somewhere.... dare I call it Joy? What is this Joy? It is alien in these moments. It is not of myself... and yet, am I not the only one I believe in right now in my angered betrayed state? Yet there is joy. And when I am terrified, shaking, and overwhelmed with the anxieties of facing the world alone I can sense an enveloping embrace. Arms! Arms enfolding me! Someone is holding me. Who is this invisible One that dares enter into my self-pitying soliloquy. Yet there is love.
And what it all boils down to is that if I attempt to divorce myself from all that is HIM, from all that I have believed, thinking that the world will be much the same without Him as it is with Him, there is still HIM. Within me... wooing me, steadily like the gentle beating of my heart. And how my heart swells when I think of Him in this light. Perhaps I have not been betrayed after all.... perhaps I misunderstood. Perhaps I have been the betrayer of such a One as this who has always been true while I demanded explanations and while I explored other options. Perhaps if anyone deserved to doubt and rail against the hand He was dealt it was Him and yet He never did.
And still the constant love that cannot see my indiscretions; the eyes of pure love upon a faithful lover.
He cannot be denied. Jesus Christ in me. Me in Jesus Christ.

--I think back to that day when my husband asked me, Is Jesus in you now? and I could not answer. It would have been easy to deny Christ then. To take the evils of the world, the hardships of life and walk away from all that I knew, all I had been taught. There was nothing holding me. But now there is that KNOWING. I mean, it's in there. It's soo deep in there. The Holy Spirit is like HEY You!! You are MINE! And I am YOURS! The dark days always have an end because his love is so real now.