What Should I Be When I Grow Up?

I Just googled the phrase What Should I be when I grow up and came across a quiz on blogthings. Here is my result:

You Should Be an Artist

You are incredibly creative, spontaneous, and unique. No one can guess what you're going to do next, but it's usually something amazing. You can't deal with routine, rules, or structure. You're easily bored. As long as you are able to innovate and break the rules, you are extremely successful. You do best when you: - Can work by yourself - Can express your personality in your work You would also be a good journalist or actor.

What Should You Be When You Grow Up?

Dream Giver

I just finished part 1 of the Dream Giver. Wow! It's amazing. It was hard not to cry through the whole thing. I'm still left sitting here wondering what my dream is. It's all well and good that Ordinary got a Big Dream from the Dream Giver. But he had a pretty feather to show for it. And he remembered having that dream when he was a child. And his dad remembered him having that dream when he was a child. It's really not fair. I don't have a feather. I don't know what my dream is. I can't remember. I remember all kinds of crazy thing that I wanted to do when I was a kid (In thinking about this I've also remembered wanting to be a journalist [not just any journalist, but an investigative reporter who travels all over the world for the best most insane stories!] and an MAF pilot, a pilot of a 747, and an ice skater). My husband said it's really no good trying to dig it up... only God can tell me, just like in the story. The Dream Giver came and whispered in Ordinary's ear that he had a Big Dream. I know that I have one. God has at least told me that much. In fact, in so doing he has again giving me reason to live... I'm here for a reason, I have to discover what it is!! But why hasn't he revealed that reason to me? Why is it so obscured from my view? If I have a purpose, and if he wants me to live to fulfill that purpose, why isn't he just handing it to me on a silver platter?

Oh, the 'why's of life!!

Where to serve....

So my husband found this great site on spiritual gifts, and it has a section to help you figure out what ministry you should serve in depending on where your strengths lie.
(http://mintools.com/ministries.htm) The gift categories are a bit different than the test I took, but here are the 8 gifts I scored highest in with ministry options (these links go to the website for more info on those ministry areas)

service (this is where my writing and music fall under)
benevolence/caring
clerical
communications
hospitality
service-oriented
staff-support
worship

hospitality
benevolence/caring
hospitality

discernment
discernment
prayer
staffing
staff-support
visionary

administration
Christian education
staffing
staff-support

leadership
Christian education
visionary

apostle
outreach
visionary

missionary outreach

Well, I don't feel like I'm any closer to what I'm supposed to do, but I know some areas in the church that I can try. I already do worship team and hospitality. I can rule out Christian education because I am NOT a teacher, and I can rule out some parts of benevolence because I do not have mercy or helps, but some of it is my type of hospitality... like sending cards, making meals, etc...

So what does that leave... the things that stand out to me are staff-support, visionary, and communications (here's where I could use my writing skills!).

Just what is my place in the church?

Hmmmm... still as confused as ever. I guess I'll keep doing what I know for now. Music! :0)

Just what are my spiritual gifts?

I am moving on in my search for where I fit in in this vast world that God created. My question of the hour is "Just what are my spiritual gifts?" I have often wondered this. Not only would God not create me with out a purpose (I am convinced of that now, whether I know just what it is or not), but he is unlikely to have left me utterly unequipped to accomplish said purpose. Now, if I could figure out what my spiritual gifts are, I think perhaps I'd be one step closer to finding my vision! Yes, that magical ethereal floating somewhere out there dream that I once had when I was a child....... (Cue the mystical music Mr. sound effect guy) According to PT, I have one. So last night we dragged in super late from our camping weekend, and I went straight to the computer to, that's right, take a spiritual gifts test. I was up awfully late.
Here is my score (25 is the highest score), and I shouldn't be that surprised by some of them...

25 - Writing
25 - Hospitality
25 - Music
25 - Discernment
21 - Leadership
14 - Administration
13 - Apostle
11 - Missionary
10 - Encouragement
10 - Faith
10 - Knowledge
9 - Wisdom
7 - Prophecy
6 - Mercy
6 - Exhortation
6 - Miracles
5 - Poverty (apparently I really like my stuff!)
5 - helps
4 - Pastoring (that works out good for me seeing that I'm a woman)
3 - Giving
2 - Healing
2 - Evangelism
2 - Craftsmanship
2 - Intercession
0 - Teaching, Celibacy (Chris will be glad to hear that), Tongues

So, I think that covers the bases (I know our particular denomination perhaps doesn't believe in all of these gifts, but this was the test I took)

What's funny about this is I have been told that I have all of the top 6 gifts by more than one person (my husband, Pastor, friends, etc) but I never realized that they were spiritual gifts. I guess I just had to see for myself. Missionary is higher up on the list, so I suppose I can't rule it out as an option for my future, seeing that some of the questions I answered negatively too were asking if God had called me to the mission field. I don't really no, so I put no. If he ever does that would change my answer and that score would move up from a 10 to who knows what.

So I'm left with writing and music... Should I write books, or be a singer? And where do hospitality and discernment fit in? I'm in charge of the hospitality at church (due to PT seeing that I had that gift earlier this year), but where does that fit in in my future? And discernment? So I know if someone is teaching false doctrine... what does that say about my ministry in the future? Leadership makes sense in whatever path I choose. I'm just a leader type. I'll be in charge, (NYA HA HAHAHAHAHAHA LOL ) and administrating in some small capacity all at the same time.

Ok... I'm still confused! *SIGH*

Jesus, I'd really like it if you would come down here and comment on my blog with some clear direction. "Rebecca, you will be a Christian artist." "Rebecca, you will be a Christian author." "Rebecca, you will be a missionary." "Rebecca, you will be a Pastor's wife." etc... something! anything! Just tell me!

The waiting is killing me...

How could I forget?

I told you there was an important flaw to my musings! The finite human brain. I just remembered a very important passion of mine. Music! Especially singing. I was very young (not sure how old) when I sang my first duet with my mom in church, and one of my favorite memories was of being in a Patch the Pirate play at either the church or school (they were so closely linked, my memories blur there too sometimes) and singing a duet with my Uncle Tim. He was Patch, and I was Pixie.
Oh, and that brings to mind another favorite thing... acting!! I began doing that very young as well. 1rst or 2nd grade? I was in school plays and church plays, Christmas plays and Easter plays. And if the acting involved a singing part, so much the better! I think this would have gone much farther had I been involved in a public school, or local theater. I was in Christian School, and then pulled out for homeschooling, so I didn't have many opportunities to develop my acting skills. I did think about going to Northland Baptist Bible College (even sent them my ACT scores) and majoring in music and acting. I loved their traveling music and acting groups.
I did learn to play the piano, however. I mostly taught myself for the sheer joy of it, but did have a few years of lessons in middle school (that I hated!) and one year of lessons at Mount Union College my Senior year in high school (that I loved!). Piano is fun, but singing is my joy. Years of baggage pile up, and I deal with depression now, but there was a time when I sang every minute of the day, and I'm not kidding. I still sing very often, and get caught doing it at the oddest times. People look at me funny when I'm out shopping!
I also enjoyed learned clarinet during middle school, but once again never did much with it because I was not in a school with a marching band. (Trying not to sound bitter, but I do have many regrets about my high school years.) Had the opportunity presented (or perhaps if it ever does?) I would have loved to learn violin, saxophone, french horn, and guitar. I do own a guitar now, and still wish to learn how to play it as well as the drums.
Most recently I have greatly desired to be a worship leader, and to even make a CD. I wish to take voice lessons, keyboard lessons, and guitar lessons so that I am much more rounded musically, and then pursue this. I hesitate now. I love being on the worship team at church. LOVE IT with a passion. But is it my purpose?
Ok... don't get me wrong. I don't want to sound like the Christian who is all whiny and wondering what God's will is for her life. (Ok, maybe I kinda am in a way)
It's kind of like this.
I asked God one day about two months ago about some of my current dreams.... Like being a PartyLite RVP, Being a Worship leader, writing a book, going back to college for cosmetology, law, or business school, or whatever else. How do I choose? Is there another option I don't know about? He replied something I already knew. "You are living in grace. As long as I am with you it is my will. Imagine you are standing in the middle of a field and there's forest on one side, ocean on the other, prairie in front of you and jungle paradise behind you. Turn any way you want and run as fast as you can and I will be with you."
So I know that the question is not the what, it is the whom. However, the key thing here is that when I choose what to run to, it's a whole lot better if it's something I really desire. And even better yet, if I'm abiding in Christ and He's abiding in me, it's very likely that what I desire is going to be what he desires for me, so that when I run it will be with reckless abandon, and with no glancing back and no regrets. Herein lies the problem. I don't know what to choose. I don't have purpose. I truly have no vision. I absolutely have no idea whether I prefer ocean to jungle, forest to prairie, or viseversa. I have no clue. Somewhere in my subconscious mind I may have an inkling, but I wouldn't be writing blog after blog about this subject if I knew.
What am I made for? What will bring Rebecca the greatest joy and fulfillment in the whole wide world when she finds it? What can Jesus and I run to with the certainty that we can stay there until death?

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta...." "I gotta..." "I gotta do something 'till I die!!"

Hmmm... Just what is that something? The song says "love one man 'till I die." That could be the obvious choice for me... my husband is a wonderful man, and many other wonderfully talented woman have chosen a man to be their entire purpose in life. I don't know though, it just doesn't seem like a wise choice. Having spent part of my life finding my fulfillment in marriage, and realizing that husbands do indeed fail you at times (Imagine!) I don't think that it would be a very good idea. Besides, I can only wonder what would happen if (not that I ever want to think about this...) my husband went home to Jesus and left me here. Then what would my purpose be? Would I lose all desire to live once again? I'd be back at the starting place, searching for a purpose, only by then I'd most likely have no desire to even try.

So what could my purpose be?

I've been trying to think back to when I was a child. What did I like? What did I love? What did I dream about? What made me happy? This is difficult for me to do, because all these memories are very mixed up with the things that other people said I liked/loved/wanted/found joy in, as well as the things they said I could not do that I then lost interest in. I know that it must be in there. Doesn't every kid have a dream?

The earliest thing that comes to mind for me is that I have always loved to read. I devoured every book I could get my hands on regardless of genre, and read well above my reading level. My earliest favorites were mysteries, including Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew in 1rst and 2nd grade. Then came my love for writing; first for poetry and journaling, then short stories and book reports, and finally even for research reports. More recently I have discovered the world of blogging, and I adore it! I have often wanted to write a book, I just never sat down and started one.

As a result of all of my reading, I had an extremely adventuristic spirit. I wanted to try everything. I wanted to be everything when I grew up! This becomes another smokescreen in determining my true heart as a child. Let's see... detective, airplane pilot, deep sea diver, owner of a palomino horse ranch in Montana, Australian Outback tour guide, cowgirl, Rich southern plantation owner, join the marines, archaeologist, lawyer, police officer, CEO of a major company, to name a few. Of course, this doesn't count the completely impossible fantasy/historical life careers either ;0) It's kinda hard to be a unicorn, faerie, dragon, Civil War Southern belle, Clipper Ship captain, Cleopatra, a Greek goddess, Renaissance lady, etc.

Along with the love of writing, I also found a love of history and science. History in part from reading historical fiction in part from school. History overlapped science in the field of archaeology and in the study of creation science. I loved it. I decided I wanted to go to college at the Institute for Creation Research. As we studied more and more I began to adore ocean life, and decided to go into marine biology instead, but still wanted to go to ICR and study creation science as well. I felt that every science field needed more of a creation influence. My parents were strongly against me going to ICR, and someone else said that marine biologists did more office work than field work. Being the people pleaser that I was, and the adventure seeker that I was, I began to look elsewhere. I found exactly what I was looking for in the study of anatomy. From that point on I wanted to be a doctor. It's all I focused on. I was not really encouraged into this field, other than by my science teacher and by my two grandfathers... one of them because he wanted me to take care of him when he got old, and the other because he said I could do anything that I set my mind to and he would support any decision I made. My parents again did not like my choice of college, but I did not have many Christian choices in choosing a secular career.

Now insert new complication... one summer at youth camp (7th grade?) I went forward to get saved, but the counselor convinced me that I already was (that was the year I should have gotten saved, rather than just a few years ago... she just wasn't thinking clearly or something). The following night was missionary night and I remember being under a ton of conviction and weeping to the song "Lord, Send Me Anywhere" I didn't know what it was, but I decided that since I was already saved I must be called to missions. From that point on I told everyone I was supposed to be a missionary... even to the point where in order to still be a doctor I decided to be a medical missionary. I really wanted to go to Africa, and later on to India.

This all confuses me very much, because I was very unsaved... but I truly did weep every time a missionary came to church. I really did want to go on missions trips, and I really was torn between being a doctor and being a missionary, to the point where I felt I had to make a choice between the two. I even had this weird vision thingie one year at camp meeting where I saw Indian faces all over the room looking at me and I was terrified and couldn't sleep. I thought it was God wanting me to go to India. Now I have no idea what it was about. Did I want to be a missionary because I was concerned for my own soul? Because I knew it was one thing that would make my parents and pastor happy? I have no idea.

Anyway, I sought a missionary husband. There was this guy I really liked, but I would only allow us to just be friends because he was called to be a church planter, not a missionary. Chris (my husband) and I had been friends for a while, and of course I knew that he planned on going to Ireland as a missionary, so naturally, when I married him, I figured that's what I would end up doing with my life.

We got married, found out I was faking being saved, then I got saved, we surrendered to be missionaries to Sri Lanka... but my heart wasn't in it. Why?

He was called to be a missionary. I wanted adventure. Mystery adventure, Romance adventure, History adventure, Science adventure. Meeting people kind of adventure. But what he was planning was real life ministry. When it didn't work out for us to go, I was secretly glad. I love that country, I love the people we met there. But I still don't know my purpose.

If I am indeed purposed by God to be a missionary, then I have not caught that vision since he has brought me into his family. If I should go to college and be a doctor after all this time, then that sure is complicated seeing as I have two small children to mother! Writing would be the easiest to accomplish...

Even now there is a flaw to these musings. I am likely to have completely missed the most important facts.

But here is the most important question. Even if I feel that I loved one of these the most, I cannot go forward with it. I cannot act upon it. Until God gives me the vision for my life. Until something strikes a chord deep within my innermost soul and the Spirit says, "Yes!" I cannot do anything at all but stay right where I am.

As of now, the song lyrics will have to be true of me...

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta love one man 'till I die"

And that man is Jesus. I man I can rely on and trust. A man who will never let me down. He will show me what I need to know in his time. I know he will, because I asked him too! I just need to focus on him, listen to him, wait on him... and can't help lovin' that man of mine!

I'm so glad I got up this morning!!

I'm weeping as I write this. I was complaining last night about having no time to read the Bible... and that Jesus doesn't wake me up to read anymore... and that I could never get up regularly to an alarm clock... and now here I am wide awake. I woke up around 6:00? I was awake a few times before that but went back to sleep. I lay there for a while, but all I could think about was getting up to read my Bible. "Nah, I'm to tired," I thought. Then when I had myself about convinced that it really was Jesus that wanted me to get up and read and that I should probably listen, my next excuse was that I wouldn't know where to read at. Suddenly Colossians was strongly impressed upon me, but that could have been me, right? So I shrugged it off and tried to get back to sleep. The thought was insistent, so I was like ok then, but I'm having a real hard time reading lately, and my Pastor said that maybe I'd enjoy reading a paraphrase like the Message sometimes and I don't have on yet. I don't want to read this morning, I would maybe read that, but I can't so I have to go back to sleep. Then I have this strong thought that I could of course read the Message on the internet because everything is on the internet. I could even read Colossians in the Message on the internet. Excuse me? Is that you Jesus? It must be, because all I want to do is sleep, and it seems to me like you are explaining away all of my excuses and giving me direction all at the same time. So about 6:30 I dragged myself out of bed. I pulled up BibleGateway.com, finally figured out how to open up the Message, which I have never really read before other than brief passages in books or someone else reading me a quick example, and I began to read. I don't know if it was hearing something that I've heard over and over a different way (I've become almost deaf to it in the past?), I don't know if it was that it sounded as if Paul and Jesus were standing right here talking to me in 2008, I don't know if it was because it was the exact passage in the exact version (paraphrase ;0) ) that Jesus wanted me to read, but I began to weep. And it spoke to me about things that I've been dealing with. And it answered questions that I've had. And it was so beautiful.
I really felt that He was thankful for me! Somebody is singing praises of thanksgiving for me! I felt that when Paul wrote that, he was thinking of me, and beyond that Jesus was thinking of me. I feel so many times as if I don't matter. As if I could disappear from the world and no one would even notice. But someone is thankful to the point of spilling over for me!
Here's verse 9-12: "

Be assured that from the first day we heard of you, we haven't stopped praying for you, asking God to give you wise minds and spirits attuned to his will, and so acquire a thorough understanding of the ways in which God works. We pray that you'll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard. As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us."

To make the Master proud of me? That's what I long for! To not give up and quit? To have strength that endures? To not have that mindset of I'm just going to make it one more day, but I might not make it tomorrow? To actually have real Jesus joy and Jesus thankfulness and Jesus strength? To enjoy life? This would be to experience that life more abundant that Jesus talked about. This is what Paul wants for ME! This is what Jesus wants for ME! And he prays for me to have it! It is attainable... somehow. I want this.
Vs. 13-14:

God rescued us from dead-end alleys and dark dungeons. He's set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much, the Son who got us out of the pit we were in, got rid of the sins we were doomed to keep repeating.

With this depression, I feel like I am in a dead-end alley and a dark dungeon... but that's not where I am in Christ. This is a good reminder.

We look at this Son and see God's original purpose in everything created. For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels—everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him.

I may not know what it is now, but I have a purpose! He says I do! I feel purposeless, just as I feel I don't matter to people (worthless, I suppose). But Jesus says everything finds it's purpose in Him. Perhaps I have not searched in the correct places for my purpose?

So spacious is he, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross.

Here it is again... everything finds it's place in God, but even more so, everything that is broken gets fixed and put back together! Wow! That's me, alright! And even better than it was before...we get put back together into a beautiful song. If I look to him as the source of my purpose and my place He will fix my brokenness. He will rescue me from my darkness. He will place the strength and joy in my heart to serve him with out tiring... because it is he who gives me the song to sing for him! It is that song that gives him pride in me! I can't make him proud in and of myself, can I? wow... He does it all. He gives it all. It's almost more than I can comprehend in one morning.

And finally... Jesus says to me, "Don't give up!"
21-22

You yourselves are a case study of what he does. At one time you all had your backs turned to God, thinking rebellious thoughts of him, giving him trouble every chance you got. But now, by giving himself completely at the Cross, actually dying for you, Christ brought you over to God's side and put your lives together, whole and holy in his presence. You don't walk away from a gift like that! You stay grounded and steady in that bond of trust, constantly tuned in to the Message, careful not to be distracted or diverted.

So.... I'm glad that I got up this morning!