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The Love of Jesus

April 2, 2009

Romans 8:31-39 The Message

So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If
God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our
condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is
there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who
would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who
would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was
raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment
sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a
wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not
trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not
bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in
Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that
nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow,
high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get
between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has
embraced us.

Didn't expect that!

So lately I've been getting really discouraged about our current church situation... In fact I was even planning on starting to go church hunting again. We would continue going to the Saturday eve services, and I would go to different churches by myself on Sunday mornings until I found something to try as a family.

There are multiple reasons for this which I will not get into, but the hardest thing for me in this decision was how clearly God led us to attend Heritage. I know that's where he led us! Yet... I'm having such a hard time...

I almost didn't go tonight. I had a headache and sore throat anyway (allergies! HATE 'em!), so figured I'd just go to bed early or something. Chris insisted I go, reminding me that the times that we least desire to go to church God is most likely going to do something amazing.

He was right!

It was a very good service. The worship band did songs that I know and love, the sermon was fantastic, and we did communion! In fact, of all the services we've been there, this was probably the most Spirit-led, in my opinion. However, I was still sulky.

Without going into everything, let's just say I am having a really hard time not being involved in each and every aspect of ministry, especially music... and I miss having friends and fellowship! I feel swallowed up in a big church. It's lonely!

Anyway, long story short, before we left we got to spend some time chatting with a very nice couple from the church. (We sit near them in the services and had already exchanged names. They have been the only people outside of a couple of the elders who recognize us and say hi on a weekly basis.) I left tonight feeling much better about going there. I really didn't expect to find a reason to stay tonight, but I did! lol

Friends will come! It takes time! :)

God knew what he was doing in leading us there, so I need to just get over all my issues and see what he wants to do.

Plan #1: start going to adult volleyball night on Friday's (just me... Chris isn't into sports, and I need peeps more than he does!)
Plan #2: find a kid friendly small group

We'll see where it leads...

(This wasn't up to my usual blogging standards, but I'm exhausted, Meagan is screeching for attention and I feel rushed! That's life! lol)

Being in a dry place

Passion! Fire! Excitement! Joy! Oh, what splendors at the master's feet! How thrilling to be soaking up new and wondrous things every time you turn around! Abandoned in worship, fulfilled in love, steeped in desire for your Saviour, every day is a brand new chance to fall in love deeper and know him more fully. There are constantly chances to pour out on others around you, to minister Christ!

Let it never end!

Sigh.

Then it does.

Does it have to? Should it? Is there something wrong with me? What's going on? Why did this happen? When did it change? When will it be like it was again? Is there sin in my life? Did Jesus leave me? Did I leave him? On and on the questions come to mind, the frustration, the hurt, the longing to go back...

So here I am once again in this dry desert place...

And I'm asking these questions once again...

And the answer comes to me! I have new things to learn that I've never learned before. Things I've never needed to know before. I have learned of the marvelous grace of Jesus, I have learned to bask in his precious love. I have learned to minister to others in worship in such a way that they are drawn to have what I have. I have learned to walk in such joy that even in sorrow and depression there is a song in my heart... a melody of praise to Jesus! I have been in a place where these truths were easy to obtain, where others were there to help spark my excitement. I have had little need of getting alone with God and searching for his face as he was so quickly revealed to me at any moment; so accessible like the very fingers on my hands.

Now we have moved away from my wonderful church family... away from that atmosphere where the Spirit so easily spoke with me. Away from the people I loved so dearly that I begged to know God better in order to lead them closer to Him...

Here I am just another person in the pew. Here I sit alone, no ministry of my own, and insignificant number among thousands. Here I look around at the faces of people who do not know how to worship, who do not know God... and I am saddened. Saddened because they cannot help lead me into that place of abandon to Jesus, and saddened because I cannot help them either. I'm hearing the same old same old stuff that I already know, no new tidbits to ponder, no deep truths to excite me. (ok, not entirely true... there have been some cool things, just not weekly like it used to be) I seem to have forgotten some of the things that were so real to me just months ago... something is lost, missing... but what?

And God whispers to me... 'learn to walk in the Spirit on your own... you won't always have others around you to encourage you in the Lord. You won't always have a ministry to plug into that causes you to desire me more. Sometimes you must bury yourself in my word, search for me with all your heart, yield yourself to a new chapter in our relationship... there is more to be had than you realize!'

Alone. Me and Jesus. Jesus and me. Alone together. No one else. A love that gets better with time, grows deeper the more that I know him. So it feels dry and dusty right now... doesn't mean I can't go into my own worship session at home. Doesn't mean I can't dig deeper into the word to learn something new. The truths of my Saviour can never be exhausted!! I was in a wonderful, passionate and intimate love relationship with him, and now I have entered a time of deepening friendship, of greater knowing of who he is. And from personal experience with my marriage, that can only lead to deeper passion and desire! If deeper friendship with my earthly husband leads to better romance, how much more getting to know my heavenly betrothed!! He is nothing but perfection!

So, this is not a cruel punishment from God, he's still with me like always! In fact in many ways it's the best thing to happen for me! What an opportunity to get to know Jesus better! It's time for me to realize that everything I need is right here inside of me right now in the form of the Spirit of God and that even if church gets utterly boring there is no boredom in Him! Even if I have no friends or family near by to talk about what Jesus is doing, I can talk to Him at any moment. He will never leave me or forsake me! Never never!! And even if there is no church ministry outlet for my overflowing cup, there is still the whole world!

We are all just people

Doesn't matter who we are, we all have the same struggles, the same obstacles to overcome and the same God who gives the grace to survive in this world! We are all born with dreams to dream, goals to achieve and stars to reach.
Why is it that some of us get there and others of us just sit around and suppress our dreams? Have we gotten to the point where we truly believe only the lucky few will live to their full potential? Do we think that those people who have soared to great heights did it without being short of breath? That they are somehow better than us, or that God looks upon them with more favor?
God is no respecter of persons; in Christ we all have the same strength to fly as eagles! We should stop elevating our heroes to the point where they are super-human, and remember that they too walk this same journey with Jesus that we do.... they are just a tad bit further down the road! They are a tiny bit more surrendered so that Christ can use them fully. They also go through times where they question their ability to go on; where they have to stop and remember who it is that got them there! When we see someone who is living the dream that God gave them instead of looking at them in awe we should remember who it is that lives within us!!! Through Christ we can do all things! Through Christ that dream that we've dreamed can become reality. As we delight in him and surrender ourselves to him, the desires of our heart (YES! The very ones he placed within us!!!) will come to pass. Run full speed ahead!!

(and if for any reason this doesn't make a whole lot of sense, it's cuz it's 4:30 in the morning and my eyes are blurring a bit! I should be sleeping instead of blogging!)

Celine Dion

Part of my one year plan is to read one musician/songwriter biography a week. I more fiction in a week than that, so it shouldn't be difficult to accomplish. I am looking for 'why' they pursued their dream, what it was that gave them their lucky break, mistakes they made along the way, and any little tidbits that really speak to me.

The first book I'm reading is Celine Dion's My Story, My Dream. I've only read the prologue at this point, but have already picked up on a few amazing truths.

1. Don't forget your little dreams on your way to pursuing your big dream.
From the time she was a child Celine always said she would buy a horse with her first paycheck as a singer. She bought high heels instead. Years later she looked back on that with sadness. So many of her small dreams had been lost along the way due to schedules, parties, and new dreams.

2. There will always be new dreams along the way to your big dream.
We will always be growing up along the way... discovering new things about ourselves... things that may have been there all along, but we never realized it.

3. When you accomplish your big dream, what then?
There will always be a dream bigger than your big dream that you haven't dreamed yet. Life does not end when we have accomplished all that we set out to do! Life is more than just a feather in your cap for a job well done. There will be greater and greater visions as we grow into who we were meant to be. Don't be afraid to dream big and even bigger!

4. Your big dream is not what defines you.
If you have done everything in your life to reach that fantastic place that you've always envisioned and then reached it, don't be afraid to take a break. I will still be me if I don't sing or write music. Even your favorite things can become just another job. Realize that it's okay to relax even from your dreams, goals and purpose.

If you are trying to find all those exact statements in the prologue, you wont! They are just little things I figured out while reading! ;)

Back to the book now.

Doing something about it....

So, I have established that I have a dream. I've figured out what my purpose is in life, what my vision is... etc. I've even set a few goals for myself... But I'm still sitting here stagnating.

Where's the fire under my butt?!?!

Okay, technically I'm not stagnating... I'm fulfilling the most important obligation I've been given. I used to hate being a mother. I used to hate that I was 'stuck' at home wiping noses and changing diapers, doing laundry and washing dishes. Oh, the mundane and boring daily routines! Oh, the thankless, endless chores! Was this really all I was? Was dowdy housewife all that defined me?

How I fought it. How I despised it. How I BEGGED God to change my life. I wished that Chris and I could trade places. He's much more nurturing and would make a great stay-at-home dad, and I'm more goal oriented and would make a great office manager.

I was completely unwilling to be thankful for my situation. Don't get me wrong. I loved my kids to pieces, I was just completely overwhelmed by the job. I felt that I'd made a terrible mistake for having children before I had made a life for myself; before I'd experienced anything. Why, oh why did I have kids so young? I beat myself up for it. I took care of the kids out of duty. I was depressed. Suicidal even. I had soo many dreams, and now they were all lost forever buried in a pile of dirty laundry. Sigh

Then one day something changed. I'm not sure exactly at what moment, but my heart was filled with love and happiness and thankfulness that couldn't be described. I found out I was expecting Meagan (I knew it was a girl from conception! They just confirmed what I already knew at the ultrasound) and I was ecstatic! To this day I feel like weeping when I think about her. She changed me. She changed everything I thought about parenthood. I realized a profound truth: my children were a gift from God to cherish and love, not a duty to perform and take care of.

WOW! What a difference that made in me! What renewed love for my boys! With this came a desire to get to know them, to spend time with them, to do for them. I didn't experience a moment of depression with Megs, because I didn't resent her in any way as I did the boys. In fact, I no longer resent the boys! They are my precious gifts to lavish the love of Jesus on. They are my little blank slates to begin writing futures on! They are my life, if not my dreams. I'm full to bursting when I think of them! For the first time I understand what people mean when they say that children compete with their spouses for a place in their hearts... although Chris will always take first after my Saviour!!

The second thing I learned is that motherhood does not define me, it is simply a part of what I do. I am more than just a mom! I am a child of God with purpose beyond 20+ years of child raising. There will still be life after they are gone...

And so, I realize that I must make small steps to reach my dreams even while mothering my kids. I can make little steps here and there that will prepare me for life after kids. No empty nest syndrome here, there's a whole lifetime ahead!!

This said, I embark on my new one year plan to draw me closer to the career of my choice... MUSIC!