I've been looking at the waves for too long...

It's funny just how quickly I can spiral to the lowest of lows in mood. God can be so good to me one day, and I can be so thankful... then I feel kinda lost and alone again wondering just where God is. Why is it that some days he just seems more real, more good, more present, more ALIVE... and then other days he seems distant and uncaring, almost as if he's playing a game of hide and seek with me. Is he playing games?

Obviously God is still here, as he promised to never leave, certainly Jesus is still abiding in me, and of course I still have the Holy Spirit just as always. So what is different from one day to the next?

I am reminded of Peter as he bravely, trustingly stepped out of the boat into the raging stormy sea, eyes only on Jesus. Wow. What a peak in this man's walk with Christ! He was not only witnessing a miracle, but actually taking part in it! But something happened. Peter began to sink. What was going on? Had Jesus disappeared? Had Jesus lost his power? Had Jesus decided to let him step out, only to let him die? I'm sure many things went through Peter's mind at the time. I'd have been wondering what in the world I was doing stepping out of the boat in the first place! How foolish! But Jesus hadn't changed. Peter had changed. He went from being full of faith to full of fear. He looked about him and began to focus on the 'real' situation: he had stepped out of the safety of the boat and was in the middle of the giant waves of a storm! Of course, we know that he cried out to Jesus and Jesus rescued him, but what really happened here? Peter focused on the wrong reality. The big 'R' reality for Peter was that Jesus told him he could step out. Jesus was all that was keeping him up, and all that mattered was faith.

This is me all over! God has this absolutely amazing Reality for me. It's beyond my wildest dreams. All I have to do to obtain that Reality is focus on him. Keep my eyes on the Master of the storm. But what do I do? I look all around me. I worry. I panic. I get frustrated. I get angry. I become afraid. I pretty much freak out! It would be so easy for me to just live there all the time. It's like second nature for me. Then starts the nasty spiral of depression and anxiety. Of course, I excuse it away because I'm just being realistic. There's a bunch of bad stuff going on in my life, and nobody is going to fix it but me. I have to deal with it. I have to figure it out.

This is a vicious cycle! I can't fix it. I can't figure it out. These are circumstances that God has allowed to surround me as I walk toward him. Who has the power to stop the storm? Me? Or Christ? It's kinda like he's testing me to see where I'm going to look at. I think I fail more than I succeed. But then Christ reaches out for me. He never lets me drown. I sure think I'm going to, but he doesn't let it happen. He calms the storm, even if only for a few moments, and reminds me who is in control. He tells me that it's going to be alright. He catches me in his sweet gaze and says that I am blessed, loved, protected, everything that I need to hear. In those moments I feel as if my heart would burst into a thousand pieces. How can I ever look away from him again? This one who loves me like that deserves far better than what I give him.